Sunday, September 13, 2015

My Suitcases Simply too Full for the Closing

Yahoo News informs me that this is the fifth consecutive week that a film headlined by a black actor was at #1... but wait!  A self-made millionaire says that there's a certain habit that's keeping me from joining the ranks of the millionaires; I'm guessing it's chocolate... oh, well.  Google Chrome's asking me once again if I would like to kill the six tabs I've got open.  Oh, Google Chrome.  You and your PPAPIs.
Okay, back to business.  This self-made millionaire article's going to solve all my problems.  There's apparently a certain habit that's keeping me from being rich, and it ain't sports-themed umbrellas.  No, apparently it's ... seriously?  Complaining?  The article says the rich "refuse" to engage in this "seemingly harmless daily habit."  Well, the first thing that comes to mind is Donald Trump.  And what did he say?  Mexico is "bringing their rapers, their drugs..."  Racism aside, that sounds like a complaint to me.  Apparently this guy doesn't watch any reality TV.  I don't either, but are you trying to tell me that a Kardashian never complains?  NONE of them?  The less fun example I thought of was some documentary about our political system, and there were some well-fed looking fat guys talking to a senator or a congressman.  They were in some business like carpets or linoleum or something, and they were saying "Our customers, they can go to Canada and get it for four cents a square foot!  FOUR!  How do you compete with that?"  COMPLAINER.  Go back to the bread lines where you belong, Whiney McWhine Maker.
Okay, enough of that.  On to the films.  At #1 this weekend is something called The Perfect Guy.  It's kind of a Single Black Female kind of deal, apparently, but with a twist.  And what a twist.  And I think I know what that twist is.  One of the guys is supposed to be a psycho, but check out this poster... HELL-LOOOOO!!!!!!!  The tag line is "Trust one; fear the other..." ...oh, right.  They mean the two guys.  I mean, who does this Sanaa Lathan think she is?  Beyonc√©?  I mean, she was good on LateLine and all, but... I hate to use the phrase "cougar attack," so I won't.  As for the two guys, well... give the ladies something they can work with!  Was Taye Diggs so busy?  I'll confess; I'm not up on the handsome black guys these days... oh, I guess he was pretty busy, and still is.  As for Morris Chestnut, well, he was fun as the wacky sidekick in Under Siege 2 and all, and as the stern stepfather in Kick-Ass 2.  So Michael Ealy's the youngest one of this love triangle at 42 years old.  Sanaa will be 44 next week, and Morris is 46.  I can't help but wonder what Allen Habel would think about all of this... oh, they don't have any of his age-related quotes.  But surely someone's got a copy of the whole script online someplace!
At #2 is M. Night's latest ripoff of a "Twilight Zone" episode... sheesh.  Well, he must be doing something right!  He'd really rather be doing this than the next installment of The Last Airbender or After Earth 2... save that for Brian Levant.  The last debut this week is something called 90 Minutes in Heaven.  And no, it's not that old psychological test that kids do on each other, where they go "Would you rather spend 5 minutes with ___ or would you rather be happily married to ____ for eternity forever?"  I believe Forces of Nature dealt with this as well.  Apparently the key to a successful marriage is no social life.  No, this one is based on a New York Times best seller, but it's a plot that sounds a bit like a pseudo-documentary on cable.  It's about a family man that survives a horrific car crash and has a near-death experience in which he visits Heaven.
...no, really!  The actual Heaven!
Look, this isn't some fictionalized account of Heaven we're talking about here.
This is THE REAL DEAL.  THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD.
And yet, it debuts at #9.  Which I think speaks volumes about the American movie-going public.  Apparently they think 90 Minutes in Heaven is a big heaping spoonful of castor oil, as opposed to the sugary treats of The Perfect Guy and The Visit.  Incidentally, aren't the three rules of The Visit similar to the three rules of the gremlins?  Don't people want to know what Heaven is like?  I mean, really like?  What it's actually like?  Or are they just cynical like me, going "Yeah, yeah, be a nice person, give money to the homeless guy on the corner.  Well, there's plenty of things I did in my youth that'll keep me out of there anyway, so what's the point now?"  Or maybe I'm still just eating sour grapes because Kate Bosworth wouldn't accept me as her Facebook friend.  Guess I should of... have waited for her Instagram account.  I heard she's hiring Bruce Vilanch to caption all her photos!  Epic combo.

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