Sunday, September 06, 2015

The price of chicken higher than ever

Welp, I have to give the Christian Coen brothers their due, because Hollywood's apparently decided to take this Labor Day weekend off, and go fishing or something.  Tis a distressing weekend indeed.  I guess there were too many secular movie stars in The Identical, otherwise it would of done b... have done better.  At the box office... I gotta talk to someone about my Google Chrome.  Why do I keep having to reload web pages five or six times to look at them?  But just like we're apparently going to be sorry for making fun of Sarah Palin, mark their words... we will rue the day we didn't get on board the Blake Rayne Express and hitch our collective wagons to this star.
But that's just how weak the box office was this weekend.  And to think... all that the producers of Straight Outta Compton had to do was buy about half a million dollars in tickets to be #1 for an unprecedented fourth weekend in a row.  Too bad they couldn't afford it.  But I guess director F. Gary Gray's agent is good enough to point that out at the next meeting.  Anyway, the biggest debut this weekend was A Walk in the Woods at #3 with 8 1/2 million dollars at the box office.  Based on the book by Bill Bryson, the Onion A.V. Club gave it a D.  Now, in some circles, this may be the proper street cred, but only in elitist circles, I'm guessing.  Maybe it's doing well enough, who knows.  All I know is that somewhere Paul Robbins is very unhappy.  The command and control environmentalism of yesteryear is dead!  Golf courses and Better Homes and Gardens-worthy lawns are okay now!  Because people are part of the environmental paradigm now, if not the most important part of it.  The Malthusianism of this movie will not stand, man!
Meanwhile, back at Luc Besson's lab, the rebooting of The Transporter series debuts disappointingly at #5.  Besson took a page from Marvel's Spider-Man playbook and decided that, yes, thirteen years is long enough.  Time to remake that masterpiece that gave Jason Statham an extra paycheck or two.  But Statham must've done something right, because the Onion A.V. Club asked the following: does the Transporter series crash and burn without Jason Statham?  Well, if you're talking about the short-lived TV series, then definitely YES.

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