Sunday, January 17, 2016

An Open Letter to Ted Cruz

Hey everybody!  I spent the night with @amyschumer.  Not the first guy to... damn it.  Got beaten to the punch again.  And by Lawrence Orbach, no less.  Figures.  Well, stars tend to stick together.  Look at the Pleiades!
Anyway, I've been thinking about it a lot, and until Rachel Maddow does one of her deep, historical dives into the videotapes, I guess it's up to me to do all the heavy lifting.  Well, it started with a little feller called Richard Nixon and his talk of the "silent majority."  But really, there's been a long, rich historical record of Republicans' antagonism towards New York City, culminating in Sarah Palin recently talking about "The Real America."  Now here's Ted Cruz, America's buddy, giving a loud, obnoxious shout-out to all his peeps.  "THEY know what I'm talking about!"
And yet, there's a little bit of pushback.  It started with Megyn Kelly of Fox News fame.  Sure, she grows weary of the association, and she hungers for more.  That recent magazine cover she got is a great start.  But she's still got the belly fire to perpetuate the lie that Fox News is a legitimate news organization, and that she's Ed Murrow's peer.  Oh, she can go toe to toe with the muckrakers in prison in North Korea any day of the week.  And yet, she can't tolerate Ted Cruz's crap any longer.  "What do you mean by that, sir?" she asked Cruz as he pushed his new catch phrase on the air with her.  Apparently, she's a native New Yorker, and she took a little bit of an offense at that.  To that, even.
Then he tried the line again at the latest debate.  And even though I still believe Trump's not a serious candidate, he responded well to Cruz's devastating slam against New Yorkers and their values.  See, that's the problem right there.  One way this election's not the usual is that there is AN ACTUAL NEW YORKER running for President.  Sure, Hillary was a New York senator and all that, but Trump's the one being attacked.  Anyway, so Trump talked about being there for the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks, and the audience applauded... INCLUDING CRUZ HIMSELF.  Now, there was a very wise kid that I was friends with in high school for a while, and during that fun period when the relationship was turning as sour as a carton of milk left behind the fridge for a couple years, he taught me that there's certain things you don't applaud.  And even HE would want to bitch-slap Cruz for applauding.  (Ah, isn't this what blogs are all about?)  Anyway, Trump sort of did that, noting that Cruz's statements were... whatever, totally un-classy.  Cruz stopped applauding for some reason!  He even looked a little sad... even more so than he normally looks.  Well, we all can't get Brad Pitt to play them in the bio-pic, but why do we have to settle for Will Forté?
And to make it worse, the media's launching a new campaign against Cruz.  Heidi Cruz, that is.  Cruz's wife.  Apparently she had a bit of a meltdown on the side of the highway in 2005 when she quit a high-powered job.  And where was this high-powered job?  DUBYA'S WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!!!  OH-OH-OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!  See what I mean?  What a scurrilous attack from the left-wing liberal media, reminding people that Cruz is a by-product of Dubya.  Why are they giving Chris Christie such a free pass?  I tell you darlings, it's hard work making your family look bland!  Presidential-level bland... okay, I wasn't going to spill the beans, but here's Cruz's final strateg, and it's apparently the belief of his most fervent of followers: Cruz will explicitly compare himself to Obama at some point, he being a one-term senator with a cloud of controversy surrounding his birth certificate.  Cruz, at some point, is going to say "What's the big deal?  My place of birth is not an issue... LOOK AT OBAMA!!!"  After all, Hawaii arguably is much further away than Canada, and Cruz will probably argue that, too.  Me myself, I'm kinda burned out on all the coverage.  But I guess it slows time down a little, kinda like being in churtch.
Anyway, we've got some debuts this week.  Kevin Hart's reign of terror at the box office continues... I'm sorry, I mean a reign of awesomeness.  I guess I just connect on a personal level more with the Dave Chappelles of the world.  You'll have that career reboot you deserve someday!  But let's focus on the current once again.  Ride Along 2 debuts at #1.  Meanwhile, the latest Star Wars is close to crossing the one billion barrier.  J. J. Abrams is enjoying a level of success that most of us don't even dream of: apologizing for the flaws in the film.  I don't know what they are, but what's the deal with the new light sabre?  Those two side-flames near the handle might seem a good idea, but I'd probably end up cutting off my own hand with them, personally.
At #4, it's Michael Bay's latest non-Transformer pic about Benghazi called 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi.  It's nice for the right-wingers because it gives them a chance to get their names out in the general public.  Hugh Hewitt raved "Gripping filmmaking... but I wish it went after Hillary a little more."  Something called "The Weekly Standard" says "Heart-pounding entertainment... but it'll probably get screwed come Oscar time, just like American Sniper did."  I and one of my longtime viewing companions watched a clip of it on "The Daily Show" and right away they complained about the dialogue.  Krasinski gave his... or maybe it was "Colbert."  That's right, it was Colbert.  And so, the guy from the American "The Office" says "What are we doing here?"  And my viewing companion said, "They were private contractors!  They were there for the money!"  A nuance that Michael Bay probably didn't want to risk.  Like any filmmaker of his type says, first the Victoria's Secret models, then the heavy combat, bullets-flying-type stuff.
And finally, once again a member of the Adam Sandler clan tries to fool us by hiding behind a Pixar-ish veil.  Rob Schneider stars as Norm in something called Norm of the North.  It's about a polar bear who goes to New York City to become a big star... something like that.  Personally, I'd rather see Norm MacDonald in Rob of the North, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
So, in closing, I know being president is pretty great for those who get to do it.  And, from a very basic reading of his body language, I know that Cruz wants to be president really really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY badly... but if enthusiasm for yourself alone was enough to make you president, Tom Arnold would've been president a long time ago.  Meantime, I'm going to ride this crazy train to its end, hoping that Cruz will end up being the senatorial equivalent of Glenn Beck: burn as bright as a supernova a couple years, then fizzle out and end up in a slightly smaller market on the internet.  At least Beck grew a beard!  That's ... that's slightly different!

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