The Onion, guhlfriend. Boy, everyone's a critic. "It was nice to see her again... or was it?" Are they a critic, or just playing tennis? Wotta backhand!
Anyway, while we eagerly await the ejection of obnoxious Canadians from our electoral process, we've got a robust weekend box office to look at. While The Revenant and Star Wars duke it out for first place... and Star Wars inches ever closer to 1 billion in the U.S.; why, The Dark Knight only got to about 600 million! And it was #1 for, like, 8 weeks in a row... we've got three debuts this week. First, it's Johnny Knoxville in Bad Grandpa... I'm sorry, it's actually Robert De Niro in Dirty Grandpa. Well, this cinephile will confess: I and my usual lot of idiots started to watch Analyze This way back when, and I, personally, couldn't get past De Niro's big crying scene. I don't know why. I also found Cinderfella a bit irritating, where the wicked stepmother kept saying "FELLA! FELLA! FELLA!!!" Maybe I should give it a second go-round, who knows. The point being, multiple Oscar winner De Niro just wants to have some fun, but why do the rest of us have to suffer?
Our second debut is the latest PG-13 horror movie called The Boy. Well, it's as close as we'll get to Lewis Black's famous joke during the Dubya years about electing dead Reagan as president. Because let's face it: a dead Reagan is preferable to a living Bush. The other debut this week is something called The 5th Wave, the sequel to Milla Jovovich's The Fourth Kind... I think. It's the latest film starring Hit Girl herself, Chloë Grace Moritz. Boy, but they grow up so fast. She's the new Carrie, and soon she'll be the new Little Mermaid! Well, I tell you one thing: they'll have a hard time making a CGI live-action version of The Lion King! That'll take a few extra weeks waiting for Renderman to finish... rendering. Hang on, folks, I just want to see that pic of Natalie Portman again... I mean, Gal Gadot. Dayamn... wotta gal!