Monday, April 25, 2016

Making Flippy Floppy

I'm not usually surprised when Yahoo! News does Variety's work for it and calls a certain movie a flop.  It's an economic model most of us can't understand.  If I, for example, made 20 million dollars, well... I'd call that a rousing success, dontcha think?  And yet, the latest sequel to... whatever... makes only 20 million, and everyone jumps on the bandwagon to call it a flop.  It's called The Huntsman: Winter's War... my God!  There really is a war on Christmas!  And boy, these hyperlinks to these movies are getting unnecessarily long these days.  Well, first of all, it's a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, so perhaps part of the disappointing performance at the box office is due to the rather noticable lack of Kristen Stewart in the sequel.  You know... Bella Swan?  Hel-LOOOOO???!!!  I like her.  She's the new Mary Stuart Masterson.  Frankly, she doesn't understand all the hoopla either, even though she's way way more than knee-deep in it.  But maybe her thinking was informed much like Jennifer Jason Leigh's was in her ill-spent youth: I'm in L.A., I have offbeat good looks, so yeah, of course I'm going to be an international sensation when I grow up.  Derr!!
So there's that to consider.  And incidentally, how did Craig Mazin get involved with this? ...oh, wait, that's Nick Frost.  Love that guy.  The new Hagrid, should they ever reboot Harry Potter.  I guess the producers figured they needed to make the sequel a little darker... and throw in some fart/vomit jokes for the tiddlywinkies?  Surely Mazin's former roommate and most irritating presidential candidate ever Theodore Cruz put the proverbial kibosh on the weekend performance of this film?  Surely, there's bad cellphone phootage... footage of him somewhere, telling an Evangelical crowd about the sins of Hollywood, citing Winter's War as the latest and greatest example of how the people living on the coasts are out of touch with the good, wholesome people who don't even know that oceans exist?
Well, the thing to remember, ultimately, is that all these films are merely long-term investments.  I mean, Queen of the Damned flopped big and hard at the time of its initial release, but it's still worth it, because it's playing forever and ever amen on Black Starz! on every Halloween, right?  I mean, it's Aaliyah, for God's sake!  Aaliyah.  We'll never forget you, grrl.  Lousy airplane crashes.  The powers that be must've confused that plane with the plane of a Democratic lawmaker or something.
Meanwhile, at the bottom end of the Top 10, Compadres debuts at #9.  It's an action comedy about a former cop teaming up with a computer hacker.  Just in time for the premiere of Season 3 of "Silicon Valley"!  Must be one of those hundreds of movies that Eric Roberts is now making.  He's finally embraced his character actor self, like Dustin Hoffman tries to do from time to time.

1 comment:

Blogger said...

Order a Sparkling White Smiles Custom Teeth Whitening System online and get BIG SAVINGS!
* Up to 10 shades whiter in days!
* Professional Results Guaranteed.
* Better than your dentist.
* Same as dentists use.