Friday, April 01, 2016

Short Reviews - April 2016

Anonymous - This movie, from the director of Independence Day and the 1998 version of Godzilla, tries to advance the theory that Shakespeare... that's right, the Vilhelm Shakespeare, the Bard, the greatest living writer of all time... was actually a phony and a fraud, and a glue-huffing glovemaker, of all things.  The very idea!  A glovemaker, for God's sake.  I know, right?  How low can you get?  Well, I can tell you one thing... I mean, two things.  First of all, this will never happen to Stephen King, for if the world's even around in 500 years, scholars will look at his body of work and go, "Yup.  It's all the same, kinda lame prose, but slightly different variations on the same theme.  He probably had a big team of personal assistants, though, like David E. Kelley."  And second, pooh pooh the profession of glovemaker all you want, but this much I know... no glovemaker, no lovemaker!

Avatar 4 - Apparently, four Avatar sequels have just been announced, according to all the news that is Yahoo!  It might have been on Lycos as well, but I'm sorry, I don't live in 2002 anymore.  Will Sam Worthington be able to maintain that high standard of living he enjoyed after the first Avatar was released?  Well, he seems to be working steadily, but I didn't even know he was in Everest, for example.  Oh well.  They'll figure it all out later on.  They seem to be a bit behind schedule, but I guess the four new Avatar movies will be worth waiting for.  I guess James Cameron's too proud to try releasing them as a Netflix series, or on FX or AMC or something like that, and frankly, I can't blame him.  The Ridiculous 6, on the other hand... that got the non-theatrical release it probably deserved.

The Cardinal - I dunno... this is the kind of thing that makes me think we should ride Otto Preminger out of the Auteur Club on a rail.  Hold on... love that musical number!  Where can I get a DVD copy?

Criminal - With Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon?

Déjà Vu - I hate to be so critical, and I know the MPAA is the real bad guy here, but I think that showing a hand with fingers cut off at the knuckles steps over the line into 'R' territory, and not under into 'PG-13' territory that it was actually adjudicated.

"Designing Women" - The prequel to "The Golden Girls"

Die Hard - There's probably already one on the Internets, but I want to start it and or keep it going: a theory that Alan Rickman is actually the good guy.  Hey, he was just trying to stop corporate greed!  That's... that's good, right?  Anyway, it has a better chance of success than my other theory, that Alan Rickman was actually Tom Green in disguise.  EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

The Godfather: Part III - I've heard that it's Ted Cruz's favourite installment of the much-beloved Godfather franchise... and I think I can see why.  The dialogue in the third one's a little clunky, and Michael Corleone is about this close to achieving the legitimacy that he craves...  As for the rest of us, well, Cruz just keeps right on finding new ways to make us suffer, doesn't he?

Gog - ...and why am I just finding about this movie NOW??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Graffiti Bridge - Even Prince himself never saw this one!!

How I Won the War - Now, call me an unenlightened, biased old codger, but this headline came up on the Yahoo or something or other... probably not Lycos... and it said "10 Disappointing Facts about John Lennon."  And I couldn't help but think to myself, you know what?  I'm not even going to read that!  It's already disappointing enough that I seem to be the only one I know who even remembers the Beatles anymore; why make it worse?

Keanu - My horoscope tells me there's bad acting in my future... oh, wait!  Keanu's not actually in Keanu?  Dude....

The Lost Weekend - Doris Dowling's my new favourite

Me, Myself & Irene - There was a recent article that said, in that cute way of articles these days, "A woman poses for photos while breastfeeding her two daughters, and It Is Beautiful."  ...something close to that.  I got to the bottom of the article, where it said ", okay.  Now you've been looking at the photos too long.  What are you, some kind of perv?"  They know me so well!

Miller's Crossing - The hot trend in major motion picture editing is still this annoying tic where there's an extremely loud scene, and it cuts to a scene of quiet.  This is used rather annoyingly so in The Hateful Eight, for one.  The only time it was done well IMHO is in Miller's Crossing when a certain pivotal character gets shot.  That's the only time it was done well.  Every other instance, I think it's safe to say, was mere stylistics and almost totally unnecessary.

The Mummy (2017) - I guess The Mummy is just one of those films that's going to be remade forever and ever, as long as there are improvements in CGI to be made.  I just hope they keep the domino line of bookcases from the 1999 remake... is that asking so bloody much?

The Object of My Affection - I saw a magazine yesterday that said "Jennifer Aniston voted Most Beautiful Woman 2016."  I thought it was the AARP Monthly Newsletter, but no!  It was actually 'People' magazine.  I couldn't help but think to myself, wow!  How much did she pay to get that?  Others are complaining that her choice excludes women of color, to put it politically incorrectly.  To which Jen would probably say "Hey, I'm part Greek, for Zeus' sake!  That's, like, the oldest color there is!"  To which her Greek father would reply, "Well, this is the first time she's taken pride in her Greek heritage."  This could go on forever!

Purple Rain - Your Republican friends right now are going "Oh yeah, I love that Prince song.  'Purple rain is in my brain, lately things just don't seem the same.'", should we tell them?

Self/Less - So this is the 2nd movie in so many months where an older man looks in the mirror and sees Ryan Reynolds.  Okay, for Ben Kingsley, sure, it's an upgrade, but I think Criminal might be unfair to Kevin Costner... does that make me a bad person?  Thought so.

Silver Linings Playbook - According to my Facebook feed up there in the upper right hand corner, Jennifer Lawrence talked about "embracing a new normal-body type."  Alas, as usual, it's probably not going to be mine.  Drumroll pleeze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Under the Cherry Moon - ...Michael Ballhaus?  Really?  Guess working for Scorsese just isn't enough for career satisfaction sometimes.

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