Sunday, January 01, 2017

Short Reviews - January 2017

The Man with Two Brains - Is NO ONE going to stand up for Steve Martin?  Paul Simon?  Martin Short?  David Letterman?  Anyone?  Clearly it's up to me AGAIN.  Big surprise.  Well, I will say that Steve clearly wussed out by deleting his Twitter post.  He obviously needs to take a page from our next, and possibly last, Commander in Chief, who got five Vietnam deferments AND a Purple Heart.  Never give anything back.  Ever.  First and second rule in Business Club.  In fact, so inspired was I by the Ruthless Orange one, I was inspired to start acting a little presidential myself!  I started by trying to walk into a few ladies' dressing rooms and saying "Oh, excuse me!  I thought this was the broom closet."  Priceless.  Oldest play in the book.  Anyway, see you all in about six to eight months when I get out.


Batman Forever - Will NO ONE stand up for Batman 3?  Michael Keaton had a gut feeling that it wouldn't be good, as we all recently found out... and on top of that, he impugns Joel Schumacher's directing abilities... boy, that's a tough one.  On the one hand, Falling Down and 8MM are probably Shoe's best works, even though 8MM is about as gritty as it gets.  On the other, he did discover Colin Farrell.  How to defend Joel Schumacher?  I mean, Batman Forever has a few good moments.  The ending's pretty good, and one of my viewing companions liked the part where Robin's circus family members experience the tragedy that sends Robin under Batman's wing, so to speak... but sure, I'll admit it, the film doesn't live up to the title.  Batman Forever?  Really?  More like Batman 1995...

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - Rob Schneider is a Twitter anti-star again!  This time he's lecturing John Lewis about Martin Luther King, and... well, rather than suggest that Mr. Schneider might consider moving to Europe, at least 'til all this blows over (he likes Paris better anyway and all, but what's the deal with girls and their hairy armpits over there?  Ick!), let's just say Mr. Schneider should at least talk to his career guidance counselor some more.

The Founder - Something depressing about this movie.  Maybe a nice Happy Meal with The Founder action figures will make me feel better about life in general, and this movie in particular.

Just One of the Guys - With Lisa Gottlieb as director

"L.A. Law" - with the star of Just One of the Guys as Alison Gottlieb

The Lord of the Rings - Now, I love the series as much as the next guy, and maybe girl, but... fifteen discs?  They had an expensive package down at my local Best Buy that contained FIFTEEN DISCS dedicated to the uncut versions of the film on Blu-Ray.  I don't remember it being that long!

"Mercy Street" - Swear they moved that sign

Ready Player One - Wait a second... there's a character in this named James Donovan Halliday, and in Bridge of Spies there's a character named James Donovan!!!!!  What an incestuous little community of fictional / factual characters

Rings - A reboot of that late 90s Japanese horror movie, though they're apparently loathe to admit it.  I notice that "The Big Bang Theory"'s Johnny Galecki is in it.  Incidentally, that's how "The Big Bang Theory" similarly operates.  First you watch it, then seven days later your soul dies, and you become a brain-eating zombie, doomed to wander the earth, alone and friendless.  By then, you'd only wish for a quick death like the rings apparently offers.

Suburbicon - As Daffy Duck said in The Great Piggy Bank Robbery... sufferin' succotash.  WHY DON'T IT GET HERE?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????/1!!!!!!!!!!

"Z: The Beginning of Everything" - First of all, this Jeff Bezos is making a nuisance of himself.  Seems like only yesterday when Spielberg was lambasted in the press in 1990 for having four films he was producing that year... how many Amazon Original Series do I have to watch?  I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME!  But I promise to leave producer's feedback, I really do... and second, 'z' is NOT the beginning of everything, because it comes at the end of the alphabet!  Check and mate!

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