Sunday, February 22, 2009

Brought to you by... YECCH!

Is anyone else getting just SICK of that ad that keeps popping up? Good Lord! First of all, get some better lighting, or get those people a tan. Learn from the Hydroxycut people. Second, it's just the same guy, right? But with a different t-shirt, and he sucks in his stomach in the bottom picture. No, there's no easy way around it. Be like Joe Piscopo and go to the gym. Or is it, be like Joe Pesci and make a gangsta rap album? Either way.
Meanwhile, Ah-nold is apparently saying to all those Republican governors who are refusing the bailout money that he'll gladly take it. You go, guhl-friend! And John McCain thought he was a maverick. Phat chance.
Well, the Oscar preshows have already started so I better make this box office assessment quick. And it's a landslide! No need for a photo finish here. Say what you will, but Madea can still knock 'em out of the park. Yes, it's Madea Goes to Jail at #1 with over 40 million in the bank. Chump change for Tyler Perry these days, of course, but still impressive. And almost equally as impressive, Liam Neeson's Taken is hanging in there at #2! Both movies an equally great place to dump off the teenagers for a quiet afternoon.
Coraline hangs on at #3. I don't get it! The Onion gave it an A! Doesn't it have obvious metaphors to the Bush administration? Isn't it a heartless CGI-esque yawner? Trite and obvious? Everything else is these days, that's for sure. Meanwhile, the bored moviegoing public just isn't that into He's Just Not That Into You anymore. Oh, you can't fool me, Aniston. Just because your name is somewhere in the middle on the IMDb doesn't mean you don't get top billing in real life. But people couldn't be more into Slumdog Millionaire. It's almost made as much as Benjamin Button! Time to scratch off the engraving on that Best Picture Oscar...
As for the rest of you dregs, Friday the 13th is already a distant memory at #6. It's already the 22nd! Where does the time go? At #7, Confessions of a Shopaholic. Spoiler alert: women like to shop, men like to hog the remote. Or the TiVo, to update it slightly. Paul Blart slips to #8 but it's still not totally gone yet. Something called Fired Up! debuts at #9. Now, c'mon. The movie's probably crap... sorry, Fouch, it's true. But I have a feeling you're going to be all right, partly because you look like Trey Parker. Hang out with Alessandro Nivola for a while. He'll mentor your career just fine. Also, the poster, with its giant F.U. letters. Even the Onion has to admit they're thumbing their noses at somebody. But the poster's tagline is a little strange: "2 guys. 300 girls. Do the math." Well, it's obvious, isn't it? One of the guys must kill the other so he can have the 300 girls all to himself. On the other hand, is 300 really enough? I mean, in this day and age? Probably not enough for the likes of the young Lloyd Christmas.
And finally, The International. Run Clive Run... damn near off the top 10! Ah, who cares. I'm going to wait to see Duplicity instead.

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