Cool! The cat came in, stepped on the keyboard, and now I have to start all over! I didn't know that could happen. Well, like Alanis Morrisette says, you live, you learn. And if someone as jaded and worldly as her says that it's GOT to be true.Oh well, I wasn't too far into it anyway. But let's dive right back in.
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Once again the Luc Besson juggernaut swoops down like the proverbial bull in a china shop and hijacks the American market. Honestly, I don't know how we can keep up. Can you believe they're already up to Taxi 4 on their side of the pond? Oh, it makes us look like a bunch of rubes. Well, we mustn't overwork Jimmy Fallon, right? But like any great producer / director, and there's a bit of a list, believe me, they direct the Alpha projects themselves, but seriously. Arthur et les Minimoys? THAT's the Alpha project, Luke? I guess Angel-A didn't need a sequel, huh? Even he has his limits. Anyway, back to the here and now. Taken is all the rage at the Box Office. Well, you gotta give the people something, and this time, Lincoln thrusting nails into a bad guy's legs is that something. Why do I keep thinking of Darkman? Must just be me.
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And now, back to American products. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. And Paul Blart ... uh-oh, here comes the cat again! I took precautions this time... Damn! Just spilled my coffee. Pardon me a minute.
Anyway, Paul Blart siphons off the 2nd biggest helping of American box office methane, to the tune of 10 million less than Taken. Oh, I just don't like the look of those numbers. But that's the risks of the high stakes game known as the Top 10. See, if his name was Paul Klart, people would say, well, it still rhymes with Fart, but it sounds too European. Also, K-Mart would sue. Flart's too easy, Plart's too unbelievable, same with Slart, Ulart sounds Dutch, Glart too German... This further seems like the kind of film produced at Cal-Arts by a hot young twenty something who then turns it into a feature film, which promptly fizzles out, forcing them to return home to Montana because they didn't really want to be a filmmaker anyway. Too Hollywood.
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At #3, it's The Unborn. Oh wait, that was a couple weeks ago. This week, it's The Uninvited. Yes, that Liz Banks is the new Liz Shue, but where's her Back to the Future 2 and 3? ...Oh right. Close enough. And this new brother-sister directing team, whatever they are, the Guards, I think we'll be hearing a lot more about them. From someone else, not me.
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At #4, people are still checking in to the Hotel for Dogs. And look at these numbers! Look at them! It debuts two weeks ago at #5, rises to #4, and STAYS at #4! Good numbers. I think Cheadle's last, Traitor, had similar staying power, but ... but that's the past, and this is now. Never look back. Is there seriously not going to be an Ocean's 14? That's so sad.
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Meanwhile at #5, it's Quizno's Gran Torino. Too greasy for my taste. As for the rest, well, the only new one is the next Fargo homage. Yes, it's Renee Zellweger's New in Town. Shouldn't she be directing these turkeys herself by now? No no, she's still far too pretty for that, but she could if she wanted to, believe me. Yeah, everyone wants to remake Fargo, but people forget. It was a cult hit, and cult hits don't make the big bucks or even get the big ad campaigns or good distribution deals. And MGM gets the video distribution rights, which these days is almost like the film was never made at all. I gotta go. Any questions? Did I forget something? Let me know...
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