Clearly, this is a month of premonition. There was an ad for a movie coming out in June? April? I Love You, Man is still a month away? Boy, this month's movies must really suck. Except of course for Madea Goes to Jail. But the big story that the Puritan media couldn't keep out of the news cycle is that some well-heeled pornographers are offering that controversial Octuplet mom a million dollars to star in an adult video. The way this economy is going, I say take it. Any good economist worth his weight in salt will tell you that soon, porno asking prices will plummet as the Internet continues its forward march. Better yet, start a bidding war if you can. What, Larry Flynt's going broke? Have him up the ante to two million dollars! She's got 14 kids to feed!
The Reader - Here's another question I have. Now that Kate Winslet's finally won her Oscar, can she just go away now like Renee Zellweger did? Or Susan Lucci? Do we REALLY need another spin on World War II? Hasn't it literally been done to death yet? How many times can we plow that field? Oh, not all the Germans were bad. Oh, not all the Jews were good. Enough! Enough, I say!
Semi-Pro - But you know what we need more of? 70s movies! Afro hair and bell bottom jeans! And disco music! You haven't seen your favorite actor yet unless you've seen them in an Afro wig doing Saturday Night Fever. Gimme more! Gimme more period cars and yellow filters and obscure disco music. More, more, more! I'm not saturated enough with it yet!!
Fired Up! - Flown in from the 80s
The Haunting in Connecticut - Finally! Some excitement. Nothing ever happens round these parts.
Push - X-Men 3 meets Scanners meets Ronin? With a Passion of the Christ twist of lemon? Seeing as how it did at the box office, I guess Push just didn't come to shove after all. Ohhhhhh, snap! Ohhhhhhhhh, no he di'int!
Confessions of a Shopaholic - Lemme guess... she has regrets after she goes shopping? It's a Jerry Bruckheimer production, so she better buy some explosions, Hummers crashing into trolleys and terrorists trying to kidnap the President!
Eastbound & Down - The best new drama on HBO.
The Seven Year Itch - Contains the immortal line: "Take your potato chips and go."
Batman Forever - Now Tommy Lee's the Chigurh!
The Proposal (2009) - Well, I'm sure Sandra's got all the money she'll ever need, so all she really cares about is that this does better than New in Town did.
Lars and the Real Girl - How is it that no one's recommended this film to me yet? Isn't it a sleeper? Or is it in more of a video store coma than I thought?
Echelon Conspiracy - Tell me more... This isn't a Christian film, is it?
Murder by Numbers - Good double bill with: Fracture
Watchmen - Trust me, it's gonna suck.
No Country for Old Men - You know, for a violent movie, it's pretty damn folks-y on the other hand!
...Well, it was a short month, and I still don't have my candidacy paper done! I'll make up for it in March, I promise.
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