Short Reviews - April '09

Oh, Ridge! How could you? Oh wait... this makes him look good. Incidentally, have they outed Henry Coleman on As the World Turns yet? I can't wait forever! That's what I get for going to the gym. Now I know I'm forgetting something... MY TAXES! 'Scuse me a minute or two ...phew, that was close.
Winnie Cooper got married not long ago, and there was a big deal about it. Just on the web, I guess. But will Maxim, FHM and company show her the respect? Or better yet, just leave her alone? Probably not. Who was she again? Oh, right. The girl from The Wonder Years. Boy, some people look the same at any age. She turned out okay; what the ... happened to Lou Dobbs?


American High School - I haven't seen this much fanfare over a direct-to-video release since College (2008) ... close enough.

Obsessed (2009) - Remake of The Temp (1992). Careful, Beyonce, don't let this be for you what Crossroads was for Britney... Really? Christine Lahti? How did Schlamme not direct this? This is going to generate the same hoopla as Helen Hunt did in that one thing, where she was the lusty sexpot and ScarJo was the drab plain one!...

State of Play - Okay... so who got to be in both the movie and the TV show?...

Harsh Times - I know what the opening title credit was an homage to! Ultima III, right, gaming nerds?

Heckler - Son of the Mask is forgiven, Kennedy! Fox Searchlight has got a $200 million project you can screw up now!

Parks and Recreation - Don't care. Does that make me a bad person?

Rocky IV - As in, this series needs an IV! Heh heh heh... about 24 years too late, but what the hell.

Blonde Ambition(2007) - Kinda doesn't make Glitter(2001) look so bad!

Fighting - Sequel to Waiting?

17 Again - Prequel to 18 Again?

Next Day Air - It better be better than Soul Plane.

P-Star Rising - Oh, great. Just what we need: another Miley Cyrus.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - Can't relate to it. All my girlfriends past are still alive and on facebook. Oh God, I love facebook. If there isn't a facebook in Heaven, it ain't Heaven. As for the film itself, it was written by dudes, of course. Doesn't sound like something that Jenniphr Goodman or Dana Fox or Nora Ephron or Elizabeth Chandler would tackle. But maybe Diablo Cody would!

James Toback's Tyson - For my money, there's only ONE Tyson, and THIS is it!!!!!

D.L. Hughley Breaks the News - PLEASE don't cancel this show, CNN!

Chocolate News - ...probably for the best. DAG doesn't like to be tied down to a successful show, anyway. He's too big for that. But did Damon Wayans show up as Silky Smoove?

Delta Farce - Oh, David... Your black friends will never let you live this down... On the other hand, all your new hick friends hail you as a GOD!

Street Kings - I meant to watch it, and I had it TiVo'd and everything, but it got lost in the shuffle somewhere. I did catch the homage to Point Break, though, with all that damn running. Oh yeah, all you Bodhi devotees know EGGS-actly what I'm talkin' 'bout, too! Shazayamn!

The Ugly Truth - Good double bill with Someone Like You.....

Death at a Funeral (2010) - Remake of Death at a Funeral (2007). This has got to be the quickest remake of a film ever. Know what I mean? I mean, it took 5 years to remake the Hulk, 20 to reboot Tim Burton's Batman, 6 to remake State of Play from a British TV series into a movie... I guess this means that Frank Oz is now an obscure British director! How does it feel, Bert?

Jack the Giant Killer - The way action comedies are going these days, this won't be about a Jack who goes around killing rogue giants, but about an actual giant killer, like another Ted Bundy with a sardonic wit and a glandular issue. Just what we need.

Fighting - The Rise of Channing Tatum... What can I say? I think I'm...

Obsessed - Makes Trois look like a classic. But Obsessed does look like it has camp value.

Krod Mandoon - Let me just say this about Krod Mandoon: I do like the voice of the chief bad guy's second in command. What we were trying to figure out is which flamboyant rich famous producer is behind this? Andy Serkis? Arnon Milchan? Mark Cuban? No!!! Just a buncha hasbeens! Damn, filthy hasbeens!

The Nail Gun Massacre - Sometimes it's fun to just look at the actors in a film to see how far off the beaten path they are in the biz. Yes, every once in a while, you come across a film that's a virtual backwater of talent, a lone swamp in the land of 10,000 lakes and ... Jerry Nelson? Of Muppets fame? No, no. Not Statler. Not Count Von Count. Not Dr. Bunsen. Not Dr. Julius Strangepork. Can't be. Gotta be a different guy.

Willie Dynamite - Then again, .........

And finally,

The Last Word - Indeed...