Sunday, July 03, 2011

A perfect end to a perfect trilogy

...or is it? I'm taking a big risk by not including the ellipsis in the banner headline, of course, especially these days. I heard this story about an anti-Sarah Palin comment that had a favorable first paragraph, so the righties ignored it. But I always knew there was something kinda gay about that whole moon landing in '69! Thank God Michael Bay finally shed his camera lens on the topic. I mean, did you SEE those astronauts back then? They got no abs! They're totally uglers... is that a sick new slang word yet? Let me check, my go-to resource for... DAMN IT! Sisty Uglers! I'll never stake a claim in this life. On the other hand, thank GOD for! "Ugleh" is far worse than "ugly." Somehow I always knew subconsciously that that was the case. I also would've accepted "uggers" but somehow it doesn't sound as good... and as I search for it on, I realize now it's a gateway slang word I've heard I should try to steer clear from, so let us leave the world of the teen Valley gurl behind for now.
But seeing as how they're already working on Toy Story 4, the only question is who gets credit for the big Transformers 4 plot. Why not go the Super 8 route? A group of five young kids are trying to make a movie, when suddenly... the big shoot's interrupted by a... a big plane crash! Train's been done to death already. The robots escape. They have to be the good robots, otherwise the kids'd all be dead meat. There's plenty of time for surrogate parenting later. The big escape is on. Flash back to 1066, and we see a Transformer shoot the arrow that won the decisive victory in ye olde Britain. We then see Transformers rowing Viking boats, kidnapping all the pretty women and fleeing to Sweden. We see Transformers vanquish the first Mayflower ship, but ultimately powerless to stop the invading horde of greedy white people. We see a Transformer making the first cave paintings in France. We see a Decepticon cause the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. It's kind of funny, actually. The big takeaway: NEVER leave a Transformer alone with a can of beans! We see Transformers engaging in some sort of a ritual battle at a big national museum... perhaps at night, if you will. We see a Transformer interrupt the joining of the Trans-Continental Railroad... oh, right. We watch in wonder as Transformers co-author the Magna Carta, drop an apple on Isaac Newton's head, and help Martin Luther nail his parchment on that door way back when. We boo and hiss as Decepticons crash our U2 spy plane, put sawdust scrapings into our tins of meat, and rig the 2000 election. We watch further in horror as Decepticons write the script for Transformers 2... that's the only logical explanation, right? We see an Autobot, wounded in battle, stick its arm into a rock, and leave behind a big, glowing, sword-shaped shard, thereby creating the Arthur legend. And, of course, we can't help but laugh when the small, nerdy Autobot with scotch-taped glasses (voiced by Eddie Deezen) gets refused by National Guard recruiters! A little something for everybody.
And then, in a Mt. Doom-ish setting, the iconic, epic, iconic final battle. An army of '57 Chevys on one side (Autobots), and '58 Edsels on the other (Decepticons) drive out as fast as possible to the middle of the battlefield, transform, and start beating the sh... stuffing out of one another! A giant tunneling Transformer emerges from under the ground, shooting fire out of its ass. Robot parts flying everywhere, getting buried in the sides of cliffs, melting the rock from the temperatures hotter than the sun's surface. I've heard it's only 5000 Kelvin or so on the surface, but millions underneath. And finally, by the end of Transformers 4, when the last photogenic reel has been run through the damn projector, the profession of moviemaking itself finally decides to retire. From now on, it's just knitting sweaters for the grandkids and the occasional film preservation job. Pro bono, of course, because filmmaking is very white glove, and washes its hands of the dirty, untidy business of coin. How the people in Ayn Rand novels don't mind being defined by how much money they have, well, it's just beyond me AND the profession of filmmaking. Didn't they watch Fight Club? You are not your bank account! You're just an a-hole!
Something like that. What else? Wow! Two other debuts? Well, you gotta hand it to X-Men: First Class a mere four weeks ago. No other debuts were able to squeeze in when it made the box office its b'eatch. Not Transformers 3! We also got Lawrence Crowne and Monte Carlo to contend with! I hate to cast aspersions... I think that's how you spell aspersions. It's spelled how it looks, right? Anyway, someone sent me a link of George Carlin on The Daily Show twelve years ago. They mentioned that Disney has taken over Times Square, and George pointed out that it was merely a change of hustlers. Well, while Monte Carlo isn't a Disney film per se, they did loan out Selena Gomez to Fox... and for good reason! Oh, right, I missed the cowboy boots. Oh dear, I guess I'm just turning into a dirty old man. Or maybe there's no maybe about it. As for Larry Crowne, well, if Adam Sandler can make a turd like Grown Ups, why not someone else for a change? But Tom has to up the ante a little bit, and buy all his co-stars a new eco-friendly house, with the whole nine yards: solar panels, composting toilet, rainwater encroachment. In yo face, Ed Begley Jr.!

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