Short Reviews - June 2011

Every once in a while, a trial comes along that grips the attention of a nation. The only question in my mind is: is Jennifer Love Hewitt too old to play young Casey Anthony? Not to me. I think she can do it.

Royal Flash - Pomp and Circumstance... just like Clockwork Orange.

Stigmata - It's a Catholic thing. You wouldn't understand... frankly, most Catholics don't either!

Nuns on the Run - ...but this will help explain it.

In the Line of Fire - ...Banya?

Blue Denim - Ah, the dark ages before Bristol Palin's Abstinence Only programs.

Horrible Bosses - With this and Fred Claus... is Kevin Spacey on a slippery slope? Or is it just a Swimming With Sharks remake?

Puss in Boots - The one with Christopher Walken's the only one for me

Zookeeper - Best ad for T.G.I. Friday's ever

Last Holiday - The scene where Timothy Hutton climbs out onto the ledge and threatens to jump... that wasn't in the script. He actually just realized he made a huge mistake and wanted to end it all. The director decided to just go with it, and the cameras sprung into action, as did the cast and crew. Strange, because no one seems to be taking it very seriously!

Remember Me - Now, check this out... He's recovering from his brother's suicide, and she's recovering from her mother's murder. He's played by Robert Pattinson, and she by... whoever. Did I mention it's Robert Pattinson? The hunk of the year... even though Johnny Depp's the sexiest man alive. And frankly, between Jack Sparrow and Alice in Wonderland, Depp's in danger of losing his street cred. But the main thing is, you've got a grieving Edward Cullen ready to lose himself in some serious grief sex, and Remember Me is only rated PG-13? What kind of a ripoff is that? This should be NC-17 at least. All those photogenic young people, all the pent-up sexual frustration front-loaded into the plot... what a ripoff of a lifetime.

Return to Me - A classic. I think they have an ad for it in Cars 2. As they should, of course.

Fired Up - Actually, shouldn't it be spelled F.Y. to be grammatically correct? Or abbreviationally correct?... forget it, Vic. It's F.U. Town.

Larry Crowne - Last Chance Hanksy?

In the Line of Fire - If there's an actor more annoying than Fred Dalton Thompson, I don't wanna see it.

Falling Down - This is why standup comedians shouldn't have guns.

Mars Needs Moms - Earth doesn't need Mars Needs Moms... should've stuck with the Bloom County movie idea, guys.

Your Highness - Your box office lowness

Arthur - To get the proper demographic these days, you should've made Arthur a tweeker

Prom - A bomb? According to Jam Showbiz it cost only $8 million to produce. A lotta photogenic kids out there willing to work for not a lotta money. God bless Capitalism with a capital C!

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer - The film's producers must be having a bummer summer, though. But they produced "Precious" so they should be used to that.

Green Lantern - They left off the "The" at their own peril

The Beaver - Between Mel's divorce, The Beaver bombing and, well, being Mel Gibson... Mel's having a rough life these days!