Friday, June 17, 2011

A Movie Hooligan Exclusive

Welp, I don't often get shipments of free swag from my Hollywood contacts anymore, but finally! The brown van pulled up to the apartment and dropped off a load. Mostly PR stuff, but I did manage to get my busy little hands on a copy of Adam Sandler's 2014 project! He's of course busy right now filming I Hate You, Dad. Guess he's not going for the Oscar... at least, not until 2014. Why, you might ask? Well, he's going to do a remake of Sunset Boulevard, the Billy Wilder classic! The Remake Gods smiled down upon the right copyright lawyers and made it happen. I'll try not to divulge too many plot secrets, but here's the cast as it stands so far. Rob Schneider will play "Little Pete", the bookie who's threatening to take Adam Sandler's car away... I mean, Joe Gillis. You can probably guess why he's called Little Pete. Think William H. Macy in Boogie Nights. Sandler decides he needs to get outta town for a while, and so off he drives. Meanwhile, Officer O'Doyle, played by Donald Gibb, spies Sandler driving out of town. Realizing that Sandler still hasn't given him back his collection of vintage comic books, he begins the chase. O'Doyle's partner will probably be Steve Buscemi. And so, a thrilling-ass car chase ensues, and Sandler pulls into a vacant mansion just off Sunset Boulevard.
He goes up to the house, but probably takes a leak behind a hedge along the way. He's ushered in to the house to find that it's occupied by one of those crazy-ass movie stars he often writes scripts about and for. And here's the twist: it's Bruce Willis! (rumored) And even though Bruce was a big 80s star, there's lots of disco memorabilia laying around the drafty old mansion once owned by John Bunny. Perhaps he'll appear in drug-induced visions in a horse outfit! You know, just to throw people off. Script details are sketchy at this point, but there's a lot of studio notes about a certain obligatory scene: Bruce is lying face down on top of a table nude, and insists that Sandler give him a body massage. It's tastefully done, of course, and it's ripe with the trademark Sandler awkwardness. True, Sunset Boulevard was a unique product of its time, but I'm sure Tim Herlihy can make it work, bringing in all the modern-day equivalents of the bygone Silent Era. Maybe they can get that "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy or something, or the old E*Trade guy before they got the creepy talking babies. It writes itself, and I can see the Oscar voting bloc mistakenly giving it awards for Best Art Direction and Costume/Makeup, not realizing it's a Sandler remake. I'll give you more plot details as principal photography gets closer.

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