Monday, October 03, 2011

Short Reviews - September 2011

Better get this over with now. Having it out of order will seem fresh and new! Right?

Fire Down Below - Best movie ever about irritable bowel syndrome... second best ever

The Ladykillers - Am I the only one who thinks John Boehner resembles Garth Pancake?

Thank You for Smoking - Did Garth Pancake just go right from the Ladykillers set to this one? I think he did

Airplane II: The Sequel - Welp, it's still maintained a certain sense of dignity ... by not being available for free on Hulu... or is that actually worse?

Men in Black III - How did I get from Airplane 2 to M3B? Two words: Rip Torn.

The Debt - Aw, can't a girl pretend to be young? Incidentally, good double bill with Hanna

The Gospel According to Vic - The cinema's never been quite the same since the word "According" has been banned from the marquee

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - What does it say about our culture that the bad and the ugly get two separate categories? Well, I guess I should be thankful, actually... When they remake it, it'll be either "The Good and The Fugly" or "The Good and The Bugly."

The Hottie and The Nottie - Sounds about right, but what about the hottie and the naughty?

Eddie - No Homer?

Homer and Eddie - Whew! Thank the heavens...

The Driver - No character names, just the role they play

Two-Lane Blacktop - No character names, just the role they play

Drive - Ryan Gosling's the new Transporter!

Up the Creek - Deservedly obscure "sequel" to Animal House

Evolution - This movie doesn't exist

Freddy Got Fingered - Tom Green reportedly wanted to make the grossest, most obnoxious movie ever made. This cinematic goal wasn't hard to achieve, as Tom Green himself is arguably the grossest, most obnoxious thing in it.

Atlas Shrugged - Charlize Theron mingled with deceased actresses in Dior ad, but appearing in Atlas Shrugged, written by a deceased novelist, might've been much worse!

Real Steel - The Transformer Kid

"Up All Night" - Arnett's and Poehler's marriage is in trouble...

The Human Centipede Part Two - Ladies and gentlemen, behold the new Saw series!

Hook - Glenn Close is going to play a 19th Century cross-dressing waiter in an upcoming film. Will this win her an Oscar, some are asking? Well, her role in Hook certainly helped her prepare... for both, frankly.

City of Joy - Nobody puts Bethel in a corner.

Creature - It still made more money than Zzyzyx Road!

Anonymous - From the director who brought you Universal Soldier, The Patriot, Independence Day... now he's blowing up Shakespeare!

Lincoln - Now that Liam Neeson's not playing the iconic 16th president, I've got a great role idea for him, should he choose to come back out of retirement... Liam Neeson IS Fidel Castro!!!!

"Whitney" - Seems familiar... "Flying Blind" with Tea Leoni...

The Ides of March - Clooney's The Ghost Writer?

Another Bull$#!t Night in Suck City - That's how they'll have to put it on the marquee, anyway... Why can't they just call it something not as harsh, like Another Lame Night in Lametown?

"Revenge" -
Careful, Madeleine... you're gonna get typecast!

Radioland Murders - Good double bill w/Hudsucker?

Cujo - Good, but still not as scary as the Beethoven movies

"Persons of Interest" - Is that Arye Gross and the Jesus guy, James Caviezel?... damn! One of two. The Arye Gross guy is... Michael Emerson... FINCH!!!!!!

Big Trouble - We will never forget... that the original release date of this movie was moved up because of September 11th.

"2 Broke Girls" - Must be another reality show, the opposite of The Simple Life

Real Steel 2 - They're going to make a sequel already? How's that? What if Real Steel 1 totally bombs?

John Dies at the End - Great title! that Woody Harrelson as a zombie? Is that Paul Giamatti? The stars go slumming; must've been a fun shoot...

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