Short Reviews - July 2014

Runner Runner - Stinker stinker!

Creed - I guess Carl Weathers wanted too much money.

Bullet to the Head - Well, what do you expect from the same director of the first 48 Hrs.? (movie, not CBS news show)

Eureka - with Gene Hackman as Josef Sommer

Broken City - It's like L.A. Confidential, but with more alpha-male paranoia... I mean, it's Marky Mark's mostest awesomest role yet! ... Hey, look!  He's in the new Transformers movie!  More awesome yet!

Lady Gangster - Oh, I love her!  Can't read my, can't read my, poker face...

Wish I Was Here - Well, that's one way to put asses in seats.  The power of suggestion.  And a couple of movie stars... well, one movie star, anywho.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - Oh, wouldn't it be Wibberley

I.Q. - I only saw a few highlights, and more specifically the scene where Einsten's old genius pals help Tim Robbins spell out that equation using props and hand gestures.  When Richard Curtis saw this scene, he said to himself "Damn!  Wish I thought of that... wait, I think I did!  I've got an Einstein-based comedy in the pile somewhere.  Rowan would be perfect for the part."

Lust For Life - With Anthony Quinn as Lust

"Sam & Cat" - Like you, I don't know anything about this show... just that it was cancelled.  Two broke girls, indeed!

And once again, we have another list.  This list is eight movies that shouldn't be rated PG.  Boy, there's just no pleasing some people.  Either the 'R' rating is too restrictive, or 'PG' is not restrictive enough.  You know, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World was rated 'G' once upon a time.  It's hardly The Sound of Music, and that has gratuitous shots of Nazis in it!  Of course, this list is mostly Spielberg's fault, as Poltergeist, Jaws, Gremlins, and no less a film than Raiders of the Lost Ark is on it.  Well, what about Temple of Doom?  A guy gets his heart pulled out of his God damn chest, for God's sake!  And it's PG!  Even the Hollywood phonies on the DVD commentary of Dreamscape knows something's amiss... and I believe they got to use the dreaded 'F' word three times in that one!  Anyway, on to the rest of the list.

Watership Down - Hardly Disney fare, sure, but I think it's successful because it's in the 'A' section of your children's school library, personally.  That's why I read it!

Wizards - ... I think this is a Ralph Bakshi film.  Better use his name as the search criterion on IMDb.  Something as general as 'Wizards' and you won't be able to find it.  Well, first of all, this is payola in reverse.  The whole list is a blatant '70s and '80s flashback.  I thought for sure that Adam Sandler would complain about Jack and Jill.  We should all be thanking him in the first place for attempting PG fare to begin with, of course; as Letterman might say, we all owe him "a million damn dollars."  But I guess he was going for a 'G'.  After all, Rob Schneider wasn't in it!  Let's hope and pray that those two crazy kids kiss and make up.  And second... why are you watching any Ralph Bakshi film with your kids to begin with?  If you're doing that, the MPAA rating system is probably the last thing on your mind.  Personally, I don't think Cool World deserves that PG-13 rating it has.  As much of a fan as I am of the cinema, there's one rule I try never to violate: never ever pass your audience through the alimentary canal of an animated gorilla.  It's just rude.

Mommie Dearest - Yeah, we know, we know, the "no wire hangers" scene.  Isn't it time our culture move on to a different scene from that movie as the go-to scene?  Well, if you want to expose your kids to that, I say live and let live.  Frankly, why are you showing your kids movies in the first place?  Long and boring!  Derr!  Let them get on the Blackberry superhighway with the rest of their douchey friends they'll never stay in touch with after graduating from school.  But if you insist on proving to them that, hey, you're damn decent parents compared to Joan Crawford, why not.

Beetlejuice - That's PG?  Well, Jon Peters and his goober friend were very persuasive.  Well, you gotta hand it to them.  One 'f' bomb, crotch grabbing, a blue woman exposing her slit wrists, and some of the liveliest rotting flesh you'll ever see in a comedy about the afterlife... Tim Burton, baby!  He's doing something right!  Frankly, it's just an honor to be added to one of these B.S. lists in the first place.

Lucy - Good double bill with Under the Skin

The Fluffy Movie - I saw an ad for this at the gym, on their special channel.  Is that ironic?  Maybe just lightly so?