Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Fight Club

Ooh!  I almost forgot.  I was at the gym recently, and every once in a while they risk trying a new channel on one of the giant TVs suspended from the ceiling.  One of them unfortunately caught my eye.  I thought to myself, hey, is that Newt Gingrich in an infomercial?  No, it was a quasi-documentary on a channel called Newsmax TV.  I guess that's how you know a website has made it, when it becomes a TV channel... normally.  Well, you gotta hand it to those Koch brothers.  They're finally putting up a little cash to compete in the big media game.  Still, I can't help but think of what the evil studio head said in The Big Picture: "If kids want to see 40 year olds they go home and look at their parents!"  Well, in Newt's case, if they want to see 70 year olds they'll go visit their grandparents.  Of course, Newt's house might be a-rockin', so don't go knockin'.  But I digress.  Does Fury come out this weekend?  Is Rusty Ryan really going to duke it out with Virgil Malloy's older brother?  Really?  Seriously?  This is going to happen?  Is that combination of "Really?" and "Seriously?" being overused by your hipster boss yet?
Anyway... oh, I almost forgot again!  I'm up to eleven followers now!  Very nice.  I should probably try following a blog at some point, see what it gets me.  Anyway, on to the box office totals.  IMDb's on top of their game this week!  Well, Gone Girl does it again!  Three weeks at... oh, wait, it's the Brad Pitt WWII pic at #1, and it's called Fury.  Alas, it's not the long-awaited imaginary sequel to Inglorious Basterds, but rather the latest David Ayer pic.  Not David S. Goyer, he's the superhero guy.  I wanted to post a link to Taran Killam doing Brad Pitt on SNL, but I'd have to go to Hulu for that, apparently.  Oh well.
Yes, even David Ayer grows weary of the grimy modern age of douchebaggery.  He got into Oscar territory with Training Day, but if he wants to get a gold statue of his own, only a period piece will do.  And why not World War II?  And sure, you're asking yourself, hasn't that been done to death already?  And not just by Steven Spielberg?  I mean, between Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, the Indiana Jones movies, Band of Brothers and The Pacific, surely there's some missing angle that hasn't been covered?  Well, that's where Ayer's movie comes in.  However, the A.V. Club didn't give it a good grade, and that's all I need to know.  Then there's Shia LaBeouf... yeesh.  On to the other debuts of the week!
There's Nicholas Sparks' latest called... well, who cares about the title, really?  It's Nicholas Sparks!  He's the new Stephen King, only his stories are like way scarier.  Now I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, but The Movie Hooligan!  It's a long time between Tyler Perry joints.  Can we get some bruthas up in this bitch?  Well, Sparks has heard your slightly racist cries, and he has obliged.  How about Clarke Peters as Morgan Freeman? ... I mean, Morgan Dupree?  Is that black enough for you, muthaf... ?  Okay, we'll throw in one chick as well: Donna Duplantier as Dr. Charbonneau.  Ooh!  She was in Benjamin Button, no less!
And our last debut is another Pixar wannabe called The Book of Life.  How pretentious can you get?... I mean, oh!  Guillermo del Toro's involved!  Okay, maybe it's better than Hoodwinked.  I mean, I know it is.  Probably better than Pixar!  Please forgive me!!!!!!!!!!!!

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