Short Reviews - December 2014

"Homeland" - The next new series to get addicted to.  Why, we ordered Showtime just for that!  And of course to catch up on all those great Paramount movies we've been missing out on, like A Night at the Roxbury.  Sheeeeesh... Anyway, I saw cinematographer David Klein's name in the credits.  A fitting choice, I thought to myself, because after working with Kevin Smith for the last sixteen years, if there's one thing Klein knows about... it's torture.

Block Party - A little unsolicited career advice for Dave Chappelle.  I just saw him on Dave Letterman and, even though Letterman's retiring soon, I have a feeling the question will persist, those nagging questions... why?  Why did you walk away from $50 million?  Perhaps the best thing to do... well, I don't know exactly.  All I know is it's gotta be big, and it's gotta be profitable.  And once that happens... poof!  Questions gone.  Dave Chappelle is back and better than ever, enjoying the Second Act of his career.  Can you do a good Samuel L. Jackson impersonation?  Or maybe do Blue Streak 2 and do that scene in drag!  Just kidding... now, first of all, if you watch the mash-up at the end, some of those scenes aren't even women characters!  One is Chris Tucker from The Fifth Element and he was just flamboyant... anyone remember what he does to the one stewardess?  PG-13, my ass!  And the two gay characters from In Living Color ARE GAY MEN!!!  I say Dave Chappelle wasn't crazy at all!  That $50 mill comes with a price.

Bewitched (2005) - Directed by Nora Ephron, the Nicole Kidman character at one point is talking on the phone and, confused by what the person on the other line meant, says "You're right.  He is a great big male reproductive organ!"

Heartburn - Based on the best-selling novel by Nora Ephron about how she was married to a great big male reproductive organ

Chappie - Available through Hammacher Schlemmer

So I Married an Axe Murderer - I said Hammacher Schlemmer!!!

The Producers (2005) - Started watching it and... I dunno.  I mean, I love Nathan Lane and Ferris Bueller and all, and I'm happy for Mel Brooks that it swept the Tonys and what not, but it's still the 1968 original version or nothin' for me.

Inherent Vice - Paul Thomas Anderson decides to leave the writing aspect of writing/directing aside for a while.  Probably for the best.  I guess The Master did better than I thought!

Saving Christmas - Christmas is f... screwed.

Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights - Hollywood to the Heartland - Oh my God... this is Vince Vaughn's Madonna: Truth or Dare!

"The Affair" - I hate to say it, but I think Maura Tierney's getting typecast again as the long-suffering wife who just can't believe what's going on around her!  Well, some people were just bourne to play certain types of roles.  That's her specialty.

Jobs - The truth shall set you free, Sony!  Frankly, I think your employees are kinder to Adam Sandler's movies than, say, I am.  As for David Fincher, well, I think he can take some comfort in knowing that people want him to do stuff... but the Steve Jobs bio-pic?  Seriously?  Well, it's like Donald Rumsfeld's war, I suppose.  You go into principal photography with the director you have, not necessarily the director you'd like to have, what have you.  And how far down the food chain did they have to go from Fincher?  Well, as great as Swing Vote must have been...

The Longshot - Tim Conway's The Big Lebowski.  But even I have to admit... I once heard that Tim wrote the script for this over a weekend, or something like that.  Aspiring screenwriters... take that extra thirty minutes or so to polish up your screenplay.  You'd be surprised what you find!

The Woman in Black 2: Angle of Death - They left off the best part of the title in the TV spots!  Obviously it's yet another adaptation of Flatland, where all women are, of course, death in one form or another. What a timeless and spaceless classic.

"Seasons of Love" - Richard Portnow is the coolest patriarch ever!!!  Take that, Big Daddy!

The Big Country - Incidentally... Burl Ives won the Oscar for this, but really, it was actually for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn - I'm just listening to it here in the next room, but it seems to be living up to its title!

Grandma's Boy - A timeless classic... I mean, the 1922 Harold Lloyd short, not the 2006 Adam Sandler abomination.  Frankly, I think the Estate of Harold Lloyd should sue.

The Code Conspiracy - The only conspiracy here is the one that made Mr. Whetstone decide to leave showbiz on a high note, and never direct another movie ever again.  Get thee back to the church, you male crone!

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - They paired Marilyn up with a nerd to give us mere mortals a self-confidence boost.  Poor Marilyn!

My Week with Marilyn - More salt in the wound

The Wolf of Wall Street - I dunno... didn't there used to be an NC-17 rating?  Oh well.  They'll really have to cut this down to show it on TBS, etc.

Cage - Starring Nicolas Rage.  I mean...

Rage - Starring Nicolas Cage

Farewell, My Queen - Starring half the cast of Inglourious Basterds.  I'm telling you, this Léa Seydoux is going places!  She's the French Ellen Page!

Please Don't Eat The Daisies - GONNA GIT THEM KERR BOYS AND THEIR PAPER BAGS FULL OF WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Unsinkable Molly Brown - Well, I tell you one thing: they sure couldn't get away today with filming an infant crawling out of a river!  And second, well... Molly's a raging aphorist, and for me personally, not terribly likable.  I'm glad it worked out well for Debbie Reynolds and all, of course.

Ticket to the Circus - ...oh my God.  Catherine Keener HAS A SISTER????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the Future, Part II - Welp, there it is.  If you were on Facebook today, you may have seen the "headline" about this movie, and all the predictions for 2015 that it got wrong.  Okay, sure, we don't have self-tying shoes or flying cars, thank God, or even Hoverboards, engine-powered and non.  Besides, they don't work on water anyway!  Wouldn't that be half of the point?  And sure, we're not going to the movies to see Jaws 19, and the alleys aren't lined with old laserdiscs; people are loathe to throw them out for some reason.  But I'll tell you one thing the film definitely got right... seems like every time we elect Republicans to the White House, we end up living in that alternate 1985, where Biff Tannen is lording over an American barter economy with his giant theme hotel, where tanks are rolling through downtown Hill Valley, where libraries and schools are boarded up, what have you.  But I'm nothing if not an optimist, and I'm going to wait until January 2016 for the flying cars.

Gimme Shelter - ....WHY ARE WE FIGHTING?  WHY ARE WE FIGHTING?  ALL I CAN DO IS ASK YOU NICELY YET AGAIN..........