Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Stephen Colbert's Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown

In Crocodile Tears news, California Representative Randy "Duke-Stir" (sic) Cunningham (R) was caught taking bribes, at least $2.4 million worth! It does beg the question, when is enough enough? Is it enough to get into the Guinness Book of World Records? Did he save enough for the children's college fund? Why wasn't he more careful? Why didn't he just take gratuities from fitness magazines like everybody else? And Ah-nold?
Well, looks like ol' Jessica and ol' Nick finally split up. Too bad, they toughed it out pretty good through some turbulent waters. Perhaps this is all part of Ashlee's master plan. Maybe after a suitable period of alone time, Nick and Ashlee will hook up! In the meantime, Jessica will still appear on the covers of God knows how many Star magazine knock-offs, cataloguing her Tectonic cellulite with the finest university instruments available. Maybe we can learn something from our White Trash First Lady, and add to the Body Science just as she has added her body to ... ah, skip it. Too tired to complete the metaphor. Incidentally, I think I know why Jessica and Nick split up. I mean, who's that girl in this here photograph here? Oh, Nick, you dog!

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