Short Reviews - January 2007

One thing about Stephen Colbert - after surviving a brush with the President, and a Democratic majority, even braving the Hellfires of Guitarmageddon, he sure is unflappable. And quite bounce-back-able. Hey, why should he have all the fun reinventing English? Freem?! I submit 'iconoclasticity' for his approval. Maybe just iconoclast-y. Anywho, I had to venture into O'Reilly territory. Man, is it like a whole other country. The Factor TV show somehow seems like he's doing his radio show, especially when he goes to commercial. Plus he has way more gimmicky structure to his show than The Colbert Report does. "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"... I love it. See, people don't realize it takes an awful lot of energy to argue as fast as O'Reilly does. Must be some combination of gingko biloba, spirulina, and giant yogurt enemas that keeps the bastid going. Sadly, he may never figure out why he's not popular with liberals. Kinda reminds me of me in middle school. But like most Repube-licanuses who consistently lose debates in public arenas, who cares anyway? They've got money to go home to!

And onward to the reviews...

Arthur and the Invisibles - The latest directorial effort from Luc Besson, apparently based on a kid's book he wrote. I wonder if he's happy with the adaptation?

Black Christmas - I guess I can appreciate the idea of the movie a little better than the movie itself. Is it out yet?

We Are Marshall - Aah yes! McG's oscar pic. Even he gets tired of the non-oscar pablem.

Fearless on DVD - Why do they insist on calling it Jet Li's last martial arts epic?

Narnia 4-disc edition - 4 Discs! Unheard of. Even more than the 10-disc edition of the Matrix trilogy: that's 3.3333 discs per movie. Outdone! And well done...

Courteney Cox's "Dirt" on FX - This time, they may have gone too far! Now I can't even remember why...

The Hitcher (2007) - a remake of a film that George W. Bush had a hand in producing! They girl'd up this remake, though - this time a guy gets drawn and quartered by two monster trucks! Wicked pissah...

What the fu-----(---(--+-=-k do I know? I'm sending all my money to Ramtha! Now, time for a little arbitrage...

Primeval - not primeval enough...

Shooter - Just change the president's schedule!!! He goes on vacation a lot these days, right?

Breach - you've done it again, Billy Ray!

The Kingdom - If it's not good enough for Michael Mann to direct, I don't want to see it.

Code Name: The Cleaner - Martin Lawrence is using up his every last favor in the biz to make sure this bombs. He's also got a Cedric the Entertainer voodoo doll just for good measure.

Freedom Writers - Blatant Oscar Bait... so why are they releasing it January 5th? It can't be considered until next year!

"Scrubs" - Way too cute. But maybe it'll resurrect Tara Reid's soiled reputation... that's a good thing, right?

Little Miss Sunshine - I approach it with trepidation. It's got everything a hot movie needs these days - good buzz, a decent cast, a clear color / design motif (yellow), and on top of it all a co-worker of mine can claim about 4 degrees of separation from one of the co-directors. You just can't buy that kind of publicity!

Epic Movie - If ZAZ isn't involved, I don't wanna know about it...

Stomp the Yard - My Gaydar just went off... And I've seem 'em all: You Got Served, Honey, even Only the Strong didn't set it off.

No Country for Old Men - Seriously, the only movie I'm waiting for. Oh sure I might go to the theaters a couple times this year, but this is all I'm waiting for. And I hope it's not like Pan's Labyrinth and playing at the selectest of the select cities. This is Seattle we're talking about, for Christ's sake! I await any updates... so far, my best shot is going to Australia on or after June 7, 2007 to see this puppy. Real bonzer, mate!

Well, that and The Simpsons Movie. The only two I'm waiting for this year.

Letters from Iwo Jima - It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Breaking and Entering - I know how this casting deal was brokered! This is from when Sean Penn called Jude Law "one of our finest actors"! Right?

Army of One / Joshua Tree - Beat the army by 13 years... I don't know what coven of hippie liberals made you change your name to Joshua Tree, but you'll always be Army of One to me.

Hannibal Rising - That gives Conan O'Brien an idea! Something like... Baby Hannibal... and Robert Smigel will do Fetal Hannibal, of course...

Venice / Venice - You mean you're going to go to all the trouble to seek out this movie, and you're going to skip over the special director's introduction? You philistines! As narcissistic as Jaglom is, even he had to be a little starstruck with Duchovny...

Babyfever - This is truly the most terrifying horror pic I've ever seen: Eric Roberts saying he wants to have a baby!

Sitting Ducks - I can't believe it! Jaglom and plot actually together for once in the same movie!

Johnny Guitar - The IMDb doesn't have it yet, but Johnny Guitar shoots a gun the way Sundance did at the beginning of his movie. Kewl! On the down side, Joan Crawford always has that same look on her face...

Norbit - Charlie Murphy gets a second screenplay chance...

Soup to Nuts - I don't know if I'd call it Rube Goldberg's Masterpiece, more like his Manifesto One can't help but think, yeah, that sounds like something he'd come up with...

Isn't that enough for you people?! :)