Friday, April 06, 2007

Glory Overload, or Katgcolw Katgcolw says Hi

I probably shouldn't say it, but I got a thing for Taco Bell. It comes in a distant second behind Subway in terms of healthy fast food. Let me see if I can blog, eat and not spill anything on the keyboard at the same time. Meanwhile, they've announced at Blogger that I can now incorporate YouTube into my blog! Sounds like a good idea, but it'd probably be a step down, even for YouTube. In addition, it sounds like a slippery slope, appealing even further to the inherent laziness of mouse potatoes. What next, will my computer automatically do my taxes for me? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I still have to get to my taxes, but I personally believe the remaining Box Office analysis is far more important. So let's dive right in and pick up where we left off. Looks like the numbers haven't changed at all since Sunday. The ballot counts are final and binding. Rounding off the Top 4 it's Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Clearly, they're not as hot as they once were. Why, the Muppet turtles made more than that! Spawning two sequels, no less. OTOH, did they have Sarah Michelle Gellar? I don't think so, guhl-friend. Seriously, she must've been working on "A Woman Named Jackie" or "Swan's Crossing" at the time of principal photography on TMNT. Or maybe wrapping up on High Stakes. Clearly, she already had her busy hands full.

At #3, it's still only 60% of the way there, people! Let's not let it fall through the cracks. I'm talkin' 'bout 300 here. Oh well, whatever happens, it's still just another day in the life of Frank Miller. He's still got Sin City 2 to worry about. Speaknig of which, isn't Grindhouse gonna step on 300's toes just a little bit? I know you're all together on Sin City, but still, not cool, Quentin and Rodriquez! You're On Notice.

At #2 it's Meet the (Non-Swiss Family) Robinsons! And with about half of a Pixar flick's opening take. Remember Cars, anybody? That made, like, 200 million on opening weekend. And not a moment too soon, because John Lasseter almost didn't make his mortgage payment that week. But back to MTR. They say it'sbased on a popular series of kids' books, but c'mon. You and I know the author of that book played too much of The Sims at some point in his/her/their life/lives/career (s). Frankly, adaptations in general just aren't what they used to be.

And finally, the glory that is Will Ferrell, as he reigns triumphant over the box office all over again! Need we mention the title of the movie? Who cares? It's Will frickin' Ferrell, right? Dude, are you gay? What more do you need?!

But the movie is Blades of Glory, and it wasn't a Ferrell / McKay co-production, but should've been. As it is, they're busy doing the whole going-against-the-typecast phase of their conjoined careers with Step Brothers. But back to the triumph at hand. Nancy Kerrigan? Seriously? Where has she been? Not that she's not grateful or anything, but she said this movie was the 2nd "most dumbest thing" she's ever done. So boring, so dull, something like that. ...I'm sorry, that's "So corny. So dumb." That's what it was. Not that she's not grateful, mind you. And Mr. Ferrell's already hard at work on his next movie about an intrepid reporter who defies the giant media conglomerates by winding his way into Bosnia and uncovers a ring of... just kidding, it's a basketball movie. Probably a comedy, right? Those basketball dramas don't do squat. Maybe he'll try a come-drama-dy this time around. You know, just a slight stretch for an Oscar instead of a blatant reach. DQ something different, ya know?

Where was I? Oh yeah. In summation, Will Ferrell is here to stay. He's got a piss jar and the restraining order against Chris Kattan has just been renewed until the year 2073. 2005 was a bit rough for Will; none of his four films that year opened at #1, but he's back now and inside all our faces, baby! Now, I know you're all excited about Grindhouse coming out this week; I just heard that ABC is starting a new cable channel that will just show trailers for Grindhouse 24 hours a day. Call your cable company and order it today for the low, low price of just $79.95! How can you lose? I'd even say Grindhouse will be #1 this weekend, but I did the math and I think it's coming in a distant second, and here's why. Oh, my dang blasted new computer's got the hiccups now that Norton Internet Security's running. Anyway, anyone besides me remember the contentious Box Office of November 2003? I know someone who does! Russell Crowe, who had that Master & Baiter movie coming out (sorry, I should've said spoiler alert, or Tasteless joke alert, one of those. You know, from director Peter Weir. Sorry, had to do the follow-up. Anyway, so M&C was all set to be the #1 movie its opening weekend, but guess what? #2!! Why? Because a 2 1/2 hour long non-Will Ferrell movie was going up against a 90-minute Will Ferrell movie. Elf, to be in fact. And so, the small English boats defeat the Spanish armadas yet again as history is set to repeat itself. The ghosts of Stallones past are on the warpath, QT 'n RR; girlfriends, you know it's true.

Welp, that's just about all the Box Office damage I can do this week. Whew! I'm beat. But who knows, I might get my second wind yet. Summer is upon us in a single day, how cool is that? Anyone recall the story about the guy who threw ten puns against the wall?...

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