Sunday, April 29, 2007

More Sunday quarterbacking

Oh dear, almost missed another deadline. There's just too much to do, you see. For instance, right now I'm reading about Al Gore and his tearing Canada a new one over their CO2 emissions. The Canadian environmental minister, John Baird, fired back at Gore, calling him a hoser and a knob. Boy! They really are getting more conservative over there in Canada, but at least the guy didn't call Gore a hypocrite over the whole fake house heating thing. I really hope I'm the only one left fighting in that ancient World War I trench.

Anyway, this isn't the place you come to for real news! Let's get onto the only news in the galaxy that matters: the weekly box office totals! And at #10 it's Wild Hogs, and it's coming dangerously close to finally being broken. Oh, Gabrielle Amway, will you be mine? Sigh; guess not.

Anywho, let's hear it for director Walt Becker. Maybe you'll finally make it out of that Second Tier of Hollywood directors into the First Tier, Hollywood Auteur, and you'll no longer be simply known as Harold's unsuccessful kid! Oh, snap!

At #9 it's Perfect Stranger, still performing not so perfectly at the box office. But don't worry, that won't slow Bruce Willis down. Everyone's still waiting for Die Hard 4; I think I'll wait for it on cable, maybe.
You know, there's an old saying in Hollywood that even the most country-fried hermit probably knows by now in this day and age. Something about satire closing on Saturday night. Welp, IMHO it's about time to say the same of romantic comedies or dramas or whatever the hell they are these days, like the instant case, In the Land of Women, clocking in at #8 with a paltry $4.71 million, or as Bill Gates calls it, walking-around money. Oops! Just found out that Larry Kasdan's other kid, Jon, is responsible. Sorry, guys, I'm sure it'll be regarded as a classic soon. And I must say that film school paid off big time. Why, note how one of the characters is named Buñuel! Very clever.
Unfortunately, we're far from done yet, as is Ice Cube's sequel Are We Done Yet? It's almost at the 40 million dollar mark. That's a lot of bling!

Meanwhile at #6 it's Hot Fuzz, or as I prefer to think of't, Shaun of the Dead part 2. Only #6? I'm disappointed in my fellow countrymen. Surely a big budget ad campaign will get you off your asses and into theaters! WTF is it gonna take? Guess we just better wait for the American remake of it.

Finally made it to the other half, starting with Meet the Robinsons at #5, or as I prefer to think of it, Untitled Breakdancing T-Rex Project. Hey, blockbusters these days have been made of less. Take the Rapping Granny of The Wedding Singer.

At #4 it's Vacancy, and it's managed to distinguish itself sort of from the wild pack of horror pics in the pipeline. Trust me, I went to the movies recenty, and there's an ass-bag full of 'em on the way. It's the masks, isn't it?

Finally, BOG crossed the 100 million mark, but they're too proud to run ads boasting of that fact. Well, maybe just in Variety, but definitely not on TV. It's not about the money, right, guys?

At #2 it's Fracture, or as Sir Anthony Hopkins thinks of it, Human Stain part 2. Seriously, though, shouldn't there be a law against doing so many movies? I mean, how long can you coast on your most celebrated role: Instinct's Ethan Powell?

And finally, it's still the hot kid on the block, Disturbia. I already used my good joke last week, so perhaps it's time to consider the actual plot of the movie: Rear Window meets House Arrest. After all, what better way to add a little spice to your marriage and or relationship than with a little house arrest? Is this not our national occupation now? Finding new ways to add spice to your relationships? Even Maxim Magazine would have to agree with that assessment, or maybe one of its many hotter sister magazines. We've got to rebuild our image somehow in the national community. So, watch your ass, Spain, because America is for lovers!

p.s. Dang! They really are gonna make me wait til 2 pm for the new list. Guess my deadline wasn't as urgent as I originally thought.

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