Sunday, April 22, 2007

I have no response to that!

Which brings us to another last minute box office report, and maybe I can catch it this time before it changes over. Maybe not; I already forget how soon it changed over last time. But leave us pay tribute to those films that have since passed into Box Office oblivion since last week...

And now that we've brushed off the crumbs of failure from this meal, let's get on to the living! Hello!

Oh but before we get to that, time for another Maxim Magazine exclusive. It's their review of Burke & Wills.

Maxim Magazine presents our review of Burke & Wills. So let me get this straight... the more manly of the two would rather travel across Australia right into the hands of certain death, than stay in bed with Greta Scacchi? And they teach about these guys in public school? Is the whole country P.T.Gay? If we knew how, we'd get the U.N. to make Australia even farther away. As close to an American antipode as possible. Look it up.

Okay, got through that. And now! Without further ado at #10 this week it is Grindhouse. I wonder if that means it's too late for me to get my Rapist #1 doll.

And we're dangerously close to losing our most profitable film on the box office, 300, which has only so far made it 2/3rds of the way to 300 million dollars. Maybe 300 part 2 will be luckier, who knows.

At #8 it's the latest Christploitation entry, The Reaping. Sorry, Swank, not swank enough. Guess you caught the trend on the tail end of the scythe. Somewhere Chad is smiling... oh, snap!

Wild Hogs hangs tough at #7. Still speechless, but Disney's cryogenically frzoen head must be smiling.

Pathfinder - why, I've never seen a swashbuckler perform so poorly! I bet I know what Maxim Magazine thinks of that. #6 with only 5 million? Boy, they just don't rape and pillage the countryside like they used to, I tell ya.

And at the halfway point, it's Are We There Yet, pt. 2 with 32.8 million in the bank, baby! It's all about the Benjamins, grrrrl you know it's true. Could part 3 be in the wings? I'll leave it at that.

At #4 it's Perfect Stranger. James Foley's back, but I think he's coasting on brother Jerry's day job, am I right guys?

Meet the Robinsons at #3. It's not fair! Pixar can't make the B-list Pixar productions in between the A-List productions, can they? That must mean that Big Idea's been bumped down to C-List productions. That's probably for the best. 1-2-3 penguins, my ass.

Blades of Glory at #2. There's gotta be a way Ferrell can crank these out faster. Just gotta! One a week, please.

And finally at #1 it's Disturbia. Good title, and the world is in the throes of Shia LaBeouf Fever. Well, that and the avian flu. ...dang! Wanted to try and capture this really annoying Flash ad that's been popping up for the last 5 minutes every time I use the IMDb. Oh well, probably for the best. Something about a Rock Paper Scissors dojo. What'll they think of next? And how much time will they give us to enjoy it?

Anyway, back to the biz at hand. This is your moment, Mr. LaBeouf. Shaker Heights wasn't it. Holes was, sort of. And I, Robot, I guess. But now, you're the star, baby! No more supporting I, Robot-esque roles where you're playing neo-nerd support to the big star. You're the star now. Deal with it. Now you get to have a second-tier Best Friend prop you up with the film's plot points, and ask you what you're going to do. How about Trevor Morgan? And trust me, he won't pull any of that Sixth Sense crap. You get to push him round, baby, because you've got Indiana Jones 4 sewn up, and as we speak they're frantically adding Disturbicons to the Transformers movie all for you, Shia, this week's #1 Box Office STAR IN THE WORLD!!!!

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