Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Gimme 4 Xmases, gimme 4 Xmases, Mister, and you'll see me forever more!

I KNEW those numbers were too good to be true! Why, I don't think I've ever seen the top 7 movies rake in so much money. Maybe the economy's not doing so bad after all. Well, we got one, two, three, count 'em four newbies on the charts, so guess we'd better get started!
At #1 it's the latest Vince Vaughn vehicle. It doesn't really matter what it's about, does it? Man, we just watched the Larry Sanders episode with him. Oh, he was so young and thin! And he's come a long way from the blurry, independent pictures that Hank Kingsley so derided. It's kinduva scary job, but Vince is up for it. "No! No 'up', for whatever 'it' that there may be 'is'-ing..." Sound familiar?
Back at #2 where it belongs, thanks to the recount, it's Bolt. Of course, #1 is always better, but they can always run the ads that say #1 Comedy in America... #1 Animated Comedy in America, that is. #1 Animated Comedy without Vince Vaughn. Oscar, please?
At #3, Twilight. Oh, never mind the critics, girls! It's the new Titanic, but without all that boring cliché obligatory period piece crap. Although dresses back then were much nicer, don'tcha think?
At #4, Quantum of Solace. Okay, maybe it's not the best Bond ever, but it's gotta be one of the priciest. Why, some internet genius did the complex math, crunched the numbers, and figured out that this latest Bond outing cost almost as much as all the Roger Moore Bond movies combined! That is, if you don't count all that little stuff like wig adhesive and denture polish.
And finally, at #5. Oh, way down there, Baz. Way down. Well, this isn't 1996 with Romeo + Juliet, nor is it 2001 with Moulin Rouge! I haven't actually seen that one, so I won't bash it like all the ingrates who've actually seen it have. Face it! Sometimes you gotta be the hero. You paved the way for Chicago to win Best Picture 2002! Single-picturedly, or something.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, 6 to 10. Ugh. Always a bad area to debut in. Especially T3: The Transporter-bot. I mean, Luc Besson's Transporter 3. Well, at least we haven't seen rampant Taxi sequels yet. But that's coming, I'm sure. Am I the only one who likes Jimmy Fallon? Hey, maybe he can do a movie about that stoner character he does, you know, the guy with dreadlocks and his fat friend Gobi? Too much like Wayne's World? Or too little? So many questions, so few answers. Besides the fact that it hasn't happened yet.
What else? Well, we got the prestige pic Milk. Oh, doesn't Sean Penn have enough accolades? Or Gus Van? Well, maybe this is Gus's big year. It wasn't with Elephant, lamentably. Or Gerry, or... well, we could go on and on, but we do wish him well. It'll either be this, or W. maybe that gets Oscar'd to death. Either way, Brolin wins. That's the main thing. And that's about all I got energy for right now! 'night.

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