Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I Talked Your Folks Out of Making You See "Expendables 3"

Let me reiterate: ...WHAT ABOUT BOYHOOD?!!!!!!!!  Meanwhile, Yahoo Screen keeps sending me emails with the headline "The 9 videos you have to see this week."  Really?  Seriously?  If I fall behind on the nine videos, will I really be that far behind?  Will my best friends ditch me?  Will they say to me "Welp, sorry, I can't be your friend anymore.  You didn't see the nine videos this week.  You're just a loser now."  Well, I'm just going to stick with my mom's advice, because many moons ago she said to me, "Well, if your friends don't like you for who you are, then they don't deserve your friendship... seriously, though, how hard is nine videos a week?"  Ba-BOOM!  See how I did that?  Too obvious?  Ah, nothing's funny anymore.  Everyone's got a straight face like the aggressively mood-neutral bumpers in Papa Pear Saga.
---[Sunday proper] FINALLY!  JEEZUS, TOM!!!  It's God Damned Boyhood at #10.  Apparently the 12 year epic cost only $2.4 million to make, so it should be well on its way to profitability.  But old Hollywood's got much bigger fish to fry.  Rather than documenting its target audience for such a long time, bore-ring, their main preoccupation in life is appealing to said target audience, and said target audience said this weekend that they wanted to see those damn Turtles again.  So much for feeling the Oogielove.  Yes, the 90s are making a comeback, no question about it: violence in Israel, ebola outbreaks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But it wasn't all happy days, so to speak.  There was the creation and just as prompt destruction of Deee-Lite... I think I'm misspelling that properly.  Not to mention that Stallone was on the decline in the 90s.  Bomb after bomb until the dark times, the 2000s, when he for a brief time was in Steven Seagal territory, only able to get a film put out on video.  You know, to reach his audience more directly.  Namely, people who've never gotten dressed up to go out publicly, let alone to a place where they show large images on some wall.  What are they?  Animals?
But Stallone's time has not passed yet, and even though it was beat by what looks like a rather forgettable comedy called Let's Be Cops, The Expendables 3 limps its way to theaters.  Sure, #4 sounds bad, as does its take of about $17 million dollars, but it's still $17 million more dollars than I've got!  Sure, Mel Gibson personally bought all those tickets just to juice the numbers, but still!  At least someone's keeping this economy going!
Oh, and our last debut this week is something called The Giver.  Must be the latest horror flick.  Or the latest production of a Christian megachurch.  Either way..................................

No comments: