Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Should They Stay or Should They Go?

Well, so far, they're staying!  Guardians of the Galaxy is staying at #1, which I think James Gunn should be happy about.  Now he could probably get Slither 2 greenlit... but he'll still have to wait til about 2019 to do that.  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot stays at #2, and If I Stay stays at #3.  Hit Girl's photo shoot paid off big time!  I forget what magazine it was for.  For my money, if it's not done by Annie Liebowitz for Vanity Fair, it doesn't exist... but maybe this time I can make an exception.
As for everything else, nothing but suffering.  Sin City 2?  Gone!  When the Game Stands Tall?  Going!  Expendables 3 is at #10, and its rocket-propelled journey to 11 and beyond shows no signs of slowing.  The Giver is hanging in there, but still, I can't help but think that the Colbert Bump has seen better days.  Let's Be Cops, well... I guess Damon Wayans' kid has a future in this business.  Just to make sure it's plentiful, do that buddy picture with Will Smith's kid.  Do what you have to do: a Chris Tucker impression, dress up in drag, whatever it is, no matter how degrading or cliché, do it.  Make the gods happy.
But two debuts managed to make it through the forest this week.  We got The November Man at #6.  I guess Pierce Brosnan's not quite ready yet to join the cast of Expendables 4 or 5, and frankly I don't blame him.  But they do need a Token Brit at some point.  You'd be perfect, Pierce!  And the other debut is another left-wing liberal screed posing as a horror movie called As Above, So Below.  Sure, it's based on a little known Stephen King short story, but still.  The names have been changed to offend the poor ol' GOP.  So get this.  The main character is a right-wing talk show host named Preston Chatmore III.  An obvious stab at Rush Limbaugh.  But at least they didn't go for Ranch DuBlaugh.  Implying that he's the least bit French.  Much worse.  So the setup is that this Chatmore guy runs over an old Gypsy, and he gets a curse placed on him... um, does Thinner ring a bell?  Anyone???  But instead of losing weight, every time Chatmore goes on the radio and says something bad about liberals, he has to take a dump.  And not just any dump, of course.  Why, the Souls of the Damned seem to be hanging around in there, along with the usual undigested peas and pieces of corn.  But people forget!  Rush is a comedian, not the de facto head of the Republican Party!  Why, to do that job, you have to leave the house occasionally and meet people!  I heard Rush doesn't do that anymore.  And he's careful about what he says, not like this Chatmore guy.  He didn't actually call Sandra Fluke a slut, don't forget.  He just carefully said that anyone that has a bunch of sex makes them a slut, and that perhaps that that was the case with Fluke.  No one knows, of course, and we do respect people's privacy...

...oops, I actually read the plot synopsis of As Above, So Below.  A bunch of catacomb explorers in Paris uncover a dark secret.  My bad... actually, my movie idea sounds better, dontcha think?

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