Friday, May 29, 2015

Aloha, San Andreas

The glut continues at the box office, but I wanted to make a note here about a dream I had, because I dreamed the next trend in labeling people in binary ways.  As in, givers and takers, freaks and norms, foxes and hedgehogs, what have you.  Soon we shall either be just a Mouth or an Ear.  And you can probably guess which is which, because the insult that the Mouths will hurl is "This guy's a total Ear!"  It was a terribly cinematic dream; I dreamed I was watching The Running Man, and that Johnny Depp was in it instead of Ah-nold.  What can me say?  Me very gullible.  My dreams lie to me all the time.  If my dreams tell me that the full moon in the sky is three times as big, and appears to float around like an amoeba in a petri dish, well... who am I to argue?  I'm just trying to get by in this crazy-ass world like everyone else.
Speaking of which, we've got two debuts this week... terrible segue, I know.  That's why I'll never make it on the local news.  At #1, it's the Roland Emmer-ish San Andreas.  I believe the term they throw around now is "destructo-porn."  I think even Stephen Colbert used that word once to describe Roland's 2012.  What does it say about our culture... um, that it's awesome!  Derrrr!!!  Of course, for "The Rock," it's the role he was born to play and all that, but how about that Carla Gugino?  There's something about her; I just can't put my finger on it... that's how I lost my last job.  Seriously, though, she's got some kind of beauty secret.  What could it be?  Yoga?  Pilates?  Oh my god... is she the Highlander?  That must be it.
The only other debut this week in America's Top 10 is Cameron Crowe's epic fail called Aloha, the Hawaiian word for hello and goodbye.  I wonder what the Hawaiian word for "meh" is?  I mean, number six?  Bad place to debut.  And when did Sack Lodge's fan base get so damn picky, anyway?  "Oh, this ain't exactly The A-Team sequel, so we'll just skip this one," they said.  Primadonnas!  To make matters worse, now Cameron Crowe is facing a virtual firing squad over casting Emma Stone as the wrong ethnic type for his little movie... oh, dude!  This was filmed five years ago?  Five to seven?  No wonder everyone looks so much younger!  I guess... well, unless it's a Boyhood spin-off, inexcusable.  No wonder everyone's staying away!  They want the older, rougher-looking Bradley Cooper, not the Boy Next Door with all his baby fat and those dreamy blue eyes... where was I?  Oh, right, the ethnic stereotyping kerfuffle.  Well, Cameron Crowe is taking the high road, but I say it's an ancient Hollywood tradition!  Starting with all those Charlie Chan movies, then moving on to Burt Lancaster playing a Gypsy, and ending with... Aloha?  And not just movies, of course.  Where was that thing I saw about "I Shot the Sheriff"?  Radio management has decreed that Eric Clapton's version of Bob Marley's song is the one people actually want to hear, and yes, because if a sheriff had to be shot, they'd rather get shot by Clapton instead of Marley... something like that.  Now, if Quentin Tarantino or Jody Hill ever found themselves backed into a corner like this, well... they're no Cameron Crowe, that's all I'm saying.  What is Jody Hill up to these days anyway?... oh well.  So much for those ten things he had in development before.  Probably for the best.

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