Sunday, January 31, 2010

Short Reviews - January 2010

As you probably know, deep down all movie critics are frustrated filmmakers, like Rod Lurie and that Attanasio bastid. And yes, Roger Ebert, if that IS your real name... Reinhold Timme! But I've got an idea that tops 'em all, I tells ya: The Tom Green Movie. It'll be a 90-minute movie of sketches! So far I've got the opening sketch all planned out in my mind. We open on a 10-story building, kinda like in the first Lethal Weapon, and a guy's getting ready to jump. Tom Green shows up and takes the bullhorn from the police, and starts telling the guy to jump. "Yeah! Jump! You should jump, bro. Jump." Tom of course eventually wins the whole crowd over. "Yeah! You should jump! We're science students. When you land, we can sift through your guts and see what you ate. Oh, which reminds me: you should take your clothes off first so we won't have to sift through your clothes. Don't get your clothes all dirty!" That's just your basic rough outline. I'm sure Tom can improve vastly upon it. And so, after about three minutes, the guy jumps, splat, and then Tom turns to the camera and yells "Welcome to the Tom Green (Show) movie!!" Title credits pop up, theme song plays, which should be Morphine's "Honey White." And it goes from there. Basically it could just be Jackass but with Tom Green's vignettes instead, either filmed anew or they could just show the old tapes to save money.

Dang! Not a lot of movies this month. Hence the long intro. Oh well.

Paranormal Activity 2 - I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. But if Hollywood success stories have taught me anything, the director will become a dictator, the budget will skyrocket past its original 30 million dollar ceiling, stars will get married, quit the production, etc. etc.

Volcano - Just checking out the trivia section... oh, what a sad state of affairs, but Mick Jackson probably WASN'T replaced as director. He may yet wish he was.

Go Straight to Hell - Drag Me to Hell 2?

Straight to Hell - Slightly ahead of the curve, for what that was worth.

Bagdad Cafe - Damn! We missed the 20th Anniversary!

Kick-Ass - It better!

Repo Chick - Everybody's got to bring their career full circle: even Alex Cox. Well, as long as it's better than The Next Karate Kid.

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond - Who plays Big Daddy?

Wonderful World - Sequel to The Visitor?

The Russians Are Coming x 2 - One of the Top 10 films of 1966!

The Borrowers - An obscure John Goodman pic? I mean, besides this...

Homegrown - An obscure Billy Bob pic?

Irma La Douce - I think the rule still is: the more fun the filmmakers have making the film, the less good a film is...

Buried - Van Wilder buried alive? Sign me up!!! Also, I'd have a little more respect for it if they spelled it with more numbers, like 8u7136... I guess you'd have to twist the numbers a little. Can't do it in Notepad, you know. Maybe for the 'ur' you could turn a 5 on its side, mash 'em together... never mind.

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