In Memoriam: The One Week Hits of 2009

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting to do this. Well, there's two things I gotta do. First, I gotta appeal to my hardcore fan base and say... ALBERT PYUN! NAOMI WATTS!!! Okay, done and done. Second, I gotta make all my hard work pay off, and pay one last tribute to all those films that made 2009 a little more special than most years: specifically, all those films that made it into the Top 10 for one week, then slipped off the radar on their way to an increasingly uneager video store shelf. Sheesh. Fortunately, we're not at that stage yet where films will have to be sacrificed in order to save the planet and an increasingly obese human population eager for more salty, sugary, fatty treats than ever. Anyway, here's the list... aw, man! I gotta do the hyperlinks, too?

not easily broken, defiance, new in town, street fighter: the legend of chun-li, miss march, sunshine cleaning, dragonball evolution, my life in ruins, away we go,
a perfect getaway, ponyo, taking woodstock, extract, whiteout, pandorum, amelia, fantastic mr. fox, the road, everybody's fine

Oh, crap. And I gotta capitalize the damn thing. Oh, and I want to give a brief shout out to the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert film that debuted at #2, dropped to #9 the second week, the dropped to #11 and higher the third. A spectacular bottoming out, boys! Ooh, Taylor Swift's in it! Guess she didn't say Amen vigorously enough.

Not Easily Broken - And yet, Rick Warren's novel will make a billion dollars at the box office, huh?

Defiance - I guess people got confused and thought it was one of these two: 1980, 2002... or these three: 1932, 1952, 1917.

New In Town - Sorry you can't stay!

Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li - Yeah, the Legend of one week at the box office legend!

Miss March - Oh, Whitest Kids U Know, maybe you'll get a second chance, maybe not. You should be more like Broken Lizard, and less like Kids in the Hall on Crack. But look at it this way! Sex Drive didn't even make the Top 10! ...oh, wait. It did. No, I was thinking of College (2008).

Sunshine Cleaning - Got its clock cleaned at the box office!

Dragonball(:) Evolution - Man, even the anti-Darwinists gave this the cold shoulder.

My Life In Ruins - So where's the surprise?

Away We Go - And away it went!

A Perfect Getaway - This is way too easy!

Ponyo - Actually, that's supposed to be pretty good.

Taking Woodstock - Make no mistake about it, even one bomb like this will not stop Demetri Martin from making all of us his slaves, forced to stare at that haircut, thinking to ourselves, yes. He truly is the true Fifth Beatle. We lavish all our royalties upon you, Master... I mean, buy the soundtrack! No Stairway to Heaven!

Extract - Oh dear, was Office Space the biggest cult hit, leading to ever diminishing returns?

Whiteout - Well, we'll remember you here, Whiteout, even if no one else will!

Pandorum - Wait a minute... is this the prequel to Avatar?

Amelia - Oh... what an ironic way to honor her memory.

Fantastic Mr. Fox - not quite fantastic enough, I guess.

The Road - Not specific enough.

Everybody's Fine - You know, I think I see how it is. Robert DeNiro's just like anyone else: he wants to be able to sleep at night, and be proud of what he's done over the breadth and length of his long illustrious and intensely profitable career. I think the best example I've ever heard, partially because I'm a freak that picked up on that minute detail myself, but a rabid fan went up to John Flansburgh of the band They Might Be Giants and said, hey! On that Dial-A-Song Getaway, the lyric used to be "The fare collector's drinking lighter fluid and claimed she killed our parents" but on the latest album you changed "killed" to "told"... or rather, "Claimed she'll tell our parents." Why'd you do that? And Flansburgh's answer was, well, I think we've already got enough songs about kids' parents getting killed. Same thing with DeNiro. I mean, who wants to meet a fan who says, oh, Mr. DeNiro. I've been watching Taxi Driver over and over and over and over again for the last few months; specifically the part where you're holding your fist over that stove! Dude, that was intense, man. I mean, that was an old school New York City GAS STOVE blue flame, for God's sake! Not one of those pussy stoves with the red element we have today. Oh, by the way, could you do me a quick favor? Could you sign my suspicious looking suitcase for me? I have to leave it at the bus station in a locker... On the other hand, I guess in the biz we call showbiz, you don't want to end up going the other way to the extreme... say, like, Jon Turteltaub. I mean, sure, his stuff is forgettable tripe that goes in one eye and out the other, but he goes to work every day from 9 to 5 and tells everyone he meets: "You see that placard on my desk with my name and job title on it? That says I'm a film director. Film directoring is what I do. And I do it well. Damn well. I go to work at 9 a.m. every morning and I've got five hundred people asking me what to do, and I give them the guidance and the wide smile they need, and they go and do for me, and I punch out at 5 p.m. every night and go home to get ready for the next day. It's a good life. And once I put in my 30 years at the office, I get a handsome severance package, a full retirement, I get to cash out that 401K, and all my doctor's visits are on Uncle Sam's dime. So I would have to say, yes, I'm very happy to be a film director. And everyone else agrees with me." Um... should I tell him?