Short Reviews - May 2010

Welp, another long and turbulent month comes to an end. For some reason I keep getting Bokeem Woodbine and Boaz Yakin confused. Maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, maybe I'm just a latent racist, mabye I'm a little scatterbrained... what was I talking about? Oh, right. I'm just so glad they finally got rid of the riffraff on the Rotten Tomatoes show. What a hassle. But my question is: why is Alfonso Duralde still on the show? In other news, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but in the season finale of Breaking Bad, Hank makes a full recovery and opens a pawn shop in Las Vegas with his father, and his son Big Hoss.

Oceans - Why does this feel like that film they show you at the end of Soylent Green?

Soylent Green - Yup. Reboot time. I'm guessing Sam Worthington will reprise the Charlton Heston role.

A Day in the Life - With Bokeem Woodbine as BamBam

Curb Your Enthusiasm: Funkhauser's Crazy Sister - With Catherine O'Hara as Bam-Bam

The Flintstones - with Hlynur Sigurosson as Bamm-Bamm (Hlynur Sigurðsson)

Bam Bam and Celeste - With Margaret Cho as Celeste

The Back-Up Plan - If J. Lo wants an Oscar for the likes of this, well... she's going to have to do like Mr. Burns and spread some serious fat stacks to each Academy member individual-like.

Dirty Girl (2011) - Forrest Gump meets ... Natty Gann? What's the classic runaway movie?

Trouble Along The Way - Was this originally for Jimmy Stewart?

Wall street 2: Money Never Sleeps - Well, at least it's not going direct to video!

City That Never Sleeps (1953) - More timely than ever!

Rust Never Sleeps - Classic prequel to Year of the Horse

Satan Never Sleeps (1962) - Oh, I'll bet he sleeps more soundly than people might think...

Never sleeps (2007) - too general!

Fish Never Sleep (2002) - must be a mob comedy with no laughs or something

Money Never Sleeps (2000) - We know.

Salt - Needs more pepper.

Salt and Pepper - Needs less ham

Sleepless in Seattle - As timely a message as ever: people with allergies shouldn't breed.

Kites - Brett Ratner presents... crap? Any reason to think otherwise?

Second Best - This movie's a loser.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I kinda hope the world wins.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger - Ah, is there any more beloved cliché than a guy in school getting pantsed in front of gawking students and faculty? It sorta happened to the geek in American Graffiti. It definitely happened to the protagonists of Weird Science. A cinematic rite of passage, if you will. Why wasn't my school experience like this? And are there ever repercussions? Do the pants-ers get called into the principal's office? Do any of them come out of the closet? I just hope the fat kid that's Berger's best friend isn't actually just a ghost that only Berger can see. So cliché.

Inception - With a $200 million price tag, the Warner Bros. execs are hoping it doesn't suck.

Two Girls and a Guy - Nice try, Toback, but Jerry Bruckheimer's still not going to give you a job. Turteltaub's got National Treasure 3, Pirates 4's taken... G-Force 2 might be open, though!


Someone else do the hyperlinks, okay?