Batman, Indiana Jones 3 - I think it's the same guy. But for the life of me, he gets credit in neither. ¶ Welp, this has got to be my worst month yet. But on the bright side, I got a bunch of other stuff done! And you know summer's on its way when the neighbors start burning in their backyards, filling your house with their smoke. Keep up the good work, guys! ¶ Oh, but enough about them. Lately it seems that the swear words, traditionally kept out of the movie's titles, have crept their way in. Now the flood gate's open, probably because of Inglourious Bastards. You got Kick-Ass, Knights of Badassdom... I guess that's it. Bastard Out of Carolina was a groundbreaker for its time. But seeing as how this is happening so close to 2012, isn't it time for a conspiracy theory? I'll leave that to someone else, but I'm a positive guy, and in all matters distressing there's one source of moral and societal comfort I turn to... That's right, The Smurfs. Now, the whiz-kid wise-ass geniuses over at The Onion have the manpower and the sheer resources to develop this further, but as 2012 approaches and America finds itself unprepared, we need to look to the Smurfs for guidance. Why, it seems like only yesterday every Saturday morning I found myself plopped down in front of the telly watching those little damn blue thingies, interacting, laughing, playing, hating, loving... in short, LIVING, damn it! Living. But then, the show slowly got deeper and deeper into the occult, and it seemed like every week there was some new curse they'd have to make a potion for, some new conjunction that occurs every X number of centuries. Why, I dare say they even had a giant chess board like in that one Harry Potter movie! And the Smurfs themselves were the pieces, trapped in some horrible suspended animation state. Alas, it appears the web doesn't have everything after all, and after spending about 5-10 minutes looking for plot synopses of all those old shows (two mini-episodes per 30 minute chunk! Man, that Hanna Barbera can do anything) I could only find their titles. Normally that might be enough to go on to recall a whole show... it seems to work so well for Seinfeld episodes... but alas, it was too long ago, and I'm too broke and disinterested to get whatever multi-DVD collector's edition is out there. That's where the Onion comes in. This could be their next big "Way of the Swayze", God rest his soul. Okay, on to the movies.
Anvil - A triumph for VH1 films... and no one else.
Robin Hood - Finally Costner free!
MacGruber - Rated R? Wow! SNL's going out on a limb on this one! The last time they did that was on... The Ladies Man?
Furry Vengeance - Participant Productions has officially gone Hollywood!
The Road - Some consider it an apocalyptic vision of things to come; I consider it a training manual.