Friday, March 28, 2014

Noah Almighty

What happened to you, Christians?  You used to be cool... well, not really.  But you used to have power.  Hanging people for practicing witchcraft... now that's power!  Now all you got is calling for Bill Maher to be flogged in the town square?  I guess you wouldn't be taken seriously for calling / branding him a warlock these days.  The devil's magic is far too profligate these days: television, the internet, crystal meth.  Why, Todd Tiahrt's head explodes anew each day; the world truly has no soul anymore.  It may have had in Noah's day, but... damn, I'm good.  And so, with the days of Catholics putting a dent in the box office of films like The Last Temptation of Christ far behind it, Noah is #1 at the box office despite all the complaining.  But, let's face facts: as good as Temptation is ... I don't know, I haven't seen the whole thing... it wasn't in IMAX, and it wasn't terribly epic in scope.  I mean, what do we get?  One shot of a bunch of coins flying up into the air.  Give us something to work with, Scorsese!  For the love of Jeebus!  No, the fact is, Christians want to be the filmmakers now, too!  Take those awful talking vegetables, for example!  Bob the Tomato... It's TOM the Tomato, for God's sake!  The first rule of cartoon characters: alliteration!  Bugs Bunny!  Daffy Duck!  Porky Pig!  BB, DD, PP.
Speaking of cartoon characters, Arnold Schwarzenegger gets into Training Day mode with David Ayer's latest variation on his usual theme.  This time it's Sabotage, about... well, I'll let the IMDb plot synopsis speak for itself: "Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house."  That's right, folks... even drug cartels have a certain sense of justice.  I learned that from Clear and Present Danger.  You can't just go firing American missiles at illegal drug factories!  It's bad for business!  It hurts certain banks' profit margins!
Anyway, on the bright side, Christians, God's Not Dead holds steady at #5.  Take that, Atheist professors in your ivory towers!  Not all is forgiven and forgotten!

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