Ridley Scott's Godfather GoodFellas Blow

Academy Award nominee for art decoration and Ruby Dee. Sorry, dear, it was the foreigners' year to win. To start on an intensely personal note, I think I'm getting used to all those hypodermic needles when I go to the doctor. I never thought I would, and I still don't totally like it, or hate looking over and seeing the blood going into it, but that painful puncture of the skin gets easier and easier with each inoculation or blood draw. Except when they miss the damn artery and just jab random muscle. That's not so good. Or when they leave one tiny air bubble in the solution, just to give you a good scare, but I digress. The main thing here is about how we've become a culture of lists. David Letterman paved the way in the beginning of course, with his nightly Top Ten list, but the internet has exploded the need for lists quite ... exponentially? You knew that word was coming, right? Had to.

Not just top 10 lists, of course. Twenty-five is also a popular list number. Cosmopolitan magazine will invariably have the top 25 signs your guy's cheating on you, or the top 100 new positions to try tonight. Why, I remember in the old days when MTV had the Top 300 videos of all time! Really? Only 300? Or the top 1000 places to visit or foods to try before you die, just to add the spice of urgency to your otherwise sedentary, drab, uneventful schedules. Yes, lists ranging in numbers, category and degree of urgency all over the place, because there's a wealth of information out there on the web, but the real money is in collating all this information into easily digested, infotainment form!

Of late, movies have especially fallen victim to this craze of list-ification, for lack of a better (or the proper) word. And in viewing something recently like American Gangster, and being unable to put on the tin foil hat in time to block the giant media conglomerate's auxiliary signal, one can't help but think: where would a movie like American Gangster be in, say, a list of the great gangster pictures of all time? A list to be featured prominently, say, in a magazine such as Film Comment or Details Magazine? Well, of course Godfather would be #1, followed by Godfather 2 at #2. Out of respect, Godfather 3 would have to round out the Top 25, let's call it. That contentious area near the top of the list, of course, is subject to payola. Always has been. It usually depends on what's coming out soon: say, for example, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly remastered Bugsy Malone on Blu-Ray and Hi-Def. And because it's Bugsy Malone, or something like Mobsters or even, God forbid, Deuces Wild (couldn't even remember the title!) the writer or editor of the list will have to write "What? It's a good movie! Or a childhood favorite, anyway." No, there's no shame or irony, or even science about these things anymore. They're called guilty pleasures now.

But back to the central question here: where does American Gangster belong on this list? Well, short answer, somewhere in the middle. Yes, that obscure middle between Godfather and Bugsy Malone where all good films go to die. But not right away for American Gangster, because it did open at #1, and went on to make more than 100 million dollars at the U.S. box office. Let's see GoodFellas do that today, huh? Was Denzel or Russell Crowe in GoodFellas? I think not. Case closed. These kinds of films are doing better lately, like The Departed, and of course let's not leave out the influence that was HBO's The Sopranos. The movie appetite was primed, the stage was set for an honest-to-God true to life story like American Gangster to come along and, like Donnie Brasco before it, the people in the movie just couldn't believe Brasco was the Blue Magic CEO of ... oh, wait, mixing my movies again.

More importantly, does it eke out a unique place for itself in the gangster genre? Sort of, but doing that is much harder these days. There are nods to Serpico and Blow, and countless others I'm not aware of, I'm sure. Calling it Black Godfather seems unfair somehow. And it's not really like GoodFellas because GoodFellas is more like a documentary in comparison. American Gangster seems to lean more on script conventions. After all, we do start with two seemingly separate plot threads that eventually intertwine: the story of Denzel's rags-to-riches fable of Bumpy Johnson's driver's rise to power, and Russell Crowe's Serpico-esque cop becoming head of a special drug task force. So really, this is Ridley Scott's Amos & Andrew, when you get right down to it!

Now normally I'm still in the throes of '70s fatigue, in the movies and TV shows anyhow. (Hey! Remember that afro you had back in the 70s? Every great TV character goes through this rite of passage now, either as an actual flashback or as a reluctant but well-costumed attendee at a theme party.) Ridley has kidnapped Gus Van Sant's cameraman to provide that washed out 70s look to the film, and you can see where the money went: to meticulous use of period vehicles. CGI or not, it's pretty neat. (Especially in HD!) There are of course the usual discos and bell-bottom fashion here, but we also do get a Vietnam war backdrop, and boldly go where no drug film has gone before: into Apocalypse Now territory! Not to give anything away, but finally, a reason to keep the Vietnam War going! As in The Good Shepherd, a period piece about the CIA's formation in the early 60s, there is a nod to our modern woes in a post 9-11 world, only not as blatant as The Good Shepherd. When Crowe's police work goes so far as to open coffins returning from vietnam, well ... Again, not as obvious as the rendition or waterboarding of The Good Shepherd. That's what I got from it, anyway. Sorry if I ruined the surprise.

The acting is top notch as usual. Kudos to RZA as one of Russell Crowe's Untouchables. However, as my good friend pointed out, Denzel's Frank Lucas seems to have been painted in a better light than the actual man probably was in real life. That's leaving aside the occasional fits of ultra-violence, of course, when he has to kill someone to make a point. And even though Crowe's cop is trying to better himself by becoming a lawyer, it seemed more than a little implausible that they would leave the prosecution of Frank Lucas up to him. But, I'm too tired to read up on that myself. Maybe he really did, I don't know! It just seemed implausible! ...oh yeah. I was expecting something different from Josh Brolin's performance, but I guess he hit the right note. See, this was all before his sudden rise in stardom, so I guess it was just a case of holding his own amongst the Oscar winners. The scene where he pulls over Frank Lucas after his wedding was a good scene. You'll just have to see that one for yourself. Also, there's the dude that plays Russell Crowe's childhood buddy who's now a gangster, and I swear he could be the next earthly reincarnation of Robert De Niro, if that job wasn't already taken.

As I said before, it feels less like a documentary like GoodFellas and more of a Hollywood script, but a good one. Steven Zaillian, who took a critical and audience beating over All the King's Men, is still one of the smartest screenwriters in Hollywood today. One of my favorite lines is given by Russell Crowe's character, that locking up Frank Lucas would be a blow to the law enforcement community, because it would put too many cops out of work! Oh, and Crowe's ex-wife's impassioned 'speech' to him in court: one man's virtue is another man's stubbornness, something to that effect. She did it better.

So where does it go in the list? Well, in the same column as Blow, but above, and the same row as Serpico. Something like that. That's for a more enterprising mind than mine to figure out. ;)

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Bob Shaye

Don't worry, Bob. I'll go easier on you than The Village Voice did.
Seriously, though, you'd think a bigshot like the head of New Line Cinema Robert Shaye would take a bigger directorial risk than this. It's like he's Roger Corman, but with more money. Lord of the Rings-style money. His previous directorial effort was the not-too-outstanding coming of age period piece, 1990's Book of Love. I remember the TV spot for that one, 'cuz a dude's shirt gets ripped off by his truck engine. Man, that dude was ripped! But that's how the brain works sometimes, you know. You forget all the foreign language and computer science courses you ever took in your life, but that TV trailer for Book of Love is in there forever.
But, life goes on, and it's been 17 years, and this directorial cicada is feeling the magic. If I remember correctly, this time it's a film from one of the original producers of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so naturally... another classic, right? ...no. I want to spare you my misery. I can't let you go through with it! Turn back now! Save yourselves!

Seriously, though, I'm really the wrong person to be reviewing this movie. It's really more of a kids movie. I could waste your time going over the holes in the plot, or the routine nature of the script (at about the two thirds mark we kept telling each other, "Just go with it.") At this point in my life though, I tend to focus on the scenery and locations. Ah, Seattle. I love Seattle movies. And having lived in Seattle apartments for the last ten years or so, I look at this middle class couple in their modest Queen Anne rambler and I say to myself, Damn! Am I looking in a mirror?

Oh but there I go again. I must of really hated this movie. I didn't even mention the plot yet! Now, I'm a Democrat, but seriously, this was left-wing claptrap. No wonder we can't get a majority in the House and Senate. Where's the school bully taunting the kid at the golf course? I mean, at the REI putting range? Now, to re-establish my Democrat left-wing bonafides, I did like An Inconvenient Truth, and I'm doing my part to get the CO2 ppm back below 350, but the film is an uneasy mix of politically correct meditation and plot holes. I was reminded of the parents in Little Buddha, who also lived in Seattle, but more importantly who also didn't believe their kids were so special that they were going to convert to Buddhism... close enough. Oh yeah, and there's a Jumanji-esque sci-fi toy package (the MacGuffin) that washed up on the Whidbey Island beachfront property right next door to mine! Damn, if I only did more beachcombing. The kids were cute, but honestly, not as cute as the kids in Click. I wasn't too impressed with the acting; on the other hand, the script didn't give the kids much to work with. But by God, they read their lines as convincingly as they could, and that's the sure hand of a stalwart director at work right there, that's what that is.

I know I'm forgetting something, but let me just mention one more thing, and I better put SPOILER ALERT for all those of you who are running off to rent this right now, but have decided to stick with me nonetheless. I did love the part where the kids take a van from the secret "Seattle Research Facility" where their family is being, uh, detained? The teacher (Rainn Wilson - awright! A local boy!) awakens from a fitful sleep and tells his wife that something in his dream is telling him to go to ... the Crab Shack on Highway 20? Something like that. But he doesn't know why. Now for a jaded sophisticate like me, I'm thinking, okay. In a script as taut as this one, how's the wife going to convince her hubby that they need to drive there right now? I did get a laugh out of the teacher saying he's going back to sleep. Again, we said aloud, "Just go with it." But that's the brilliant work of Alpha script dog and one-time director in his own right, one of them fancy three-name boys, Bruce Joel Rubin. I'll bet he was trying to usurp the director throne all through principal photography, right, Shaye? Email me the story later on.

Now, let's get down to ratings. As for the old, reliable star system that everyone hates, how to rate The Last Mimzy? Surely a letter grade would be more appropriate? Seeing as how school plays an integral part in the story? Maybe, but not from me. Here's how it works: three stars is for a passable studio film like The Client or Just Cause, entertaining enough the first time, but nothing particularly remarkable to warrant a second viewing. (On the other hand... oh, Scarlett. Were you ever that young?) Anything below three stars, and you're venturing into dark territory, where you don't know if you can make it all the way through one viewing. But like a couple other critics before me, I'm gonna go with two and a half stars. You know, not sorry I watched it, and it did look pretty great in HD, but please. Highway 20? No one in Seattle knows where the f.. where that is.

As for you, Bob Shaye, you look like you're getting on in years, so let's crank out another film before the next 17 year mark, huh? Maybe 2001 Maniacs part 3! Why not direct that?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Good double bill with: D.A.R.Y.L.

Samuel L. 22:15

I knew this would happen. I should of seen it coming. But then again, American audiences are being a little more receptive to the auteurs at the box office lately. The ship is slowly turning: with The Departed at #1 two years ago and making over 100 million dollars, Scorsese's finally a hit. Now the Coens, and of course Spike Lee's WWII pic hoping to clean up both at the Oscars and at the box office. In the meantime, the fourteenth incarnation of David Mamet, Neil LaBute, kicks la-butt at the box office yet again, just like he did with The Wicker Man two years ago... didn't he? Oh dear, I lapsed in my accounting. I think it was, though. But he's so successful now, he doesn't even need to do his own screenwriting anymore! What a relief. As for Samuel L., well, he already remade Tin Men, so this must be his remake of ... Unlawful Entry? There Goes The Neighborhood? What gives, SLJ?

Sliding to #2, or I guess I should say, simmering down to #2 it's Burn After Reading. Time to run the ads that say it's the #1 comedy in America. Of course, the way comedy in film's going these days, Lakeview Terrace might claim that one, too.

And just like last week, we got four newbies on the list! Kewl! LT at #1, of course. At #3, it's My Best Friend's Girl with everyone's favorite frat-boy white boy funny man, Dane Cook as Tank. Really? Tank? It's not a nickname anymore? Ethan Suplee five years ago. Maybe he'd be a Tank. You still got it, Deutch!

Another newbie at #4, it's Igor. Oh dear, these Pixar-esque fests just aren't surefire hits anymore. What does everyone else do so wrong, but Pixar do so right? I'm thinkin' the merchandising. Where's the Igor lunchboxes and plush toys, cheapskates?

At #5, Righteous Kill, yeah yeah yeah. #6, Tyler Perry, yeah yeah yeah. #7, The Women, yeah yeah yeah. But DEBUTING at #8, it's Ghost Town! The fourth newbie this week. What gives? I thought America was in love with Ricky Gervais! Guess it's back to HBO for you, buddy! You're so big (in the industry), they'll just build another show around you. Maybe you could play a wacky janitor somewhere, your version of Good Will Hunting, something like that. Work on it. Or maybe you could play a mob informant who says a little too much, doesn't know when to stop talking, many scenes of awkwardness, that kind of thing.

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And at 9 and 10, as we usually do, we've got the tragic end of a life well lived. The Dark Knight didn't quite make it to 600 million in the U.S., but there's always the overseas market. They're a little more solvent over there these days, anyway. At #10, The House Bunny. Put 'em both together, you got Donnie Darko! I gotta go...

The Confession vs. Half Baked: Which Kicks More Ass?

Nope, I won't be able to dig myself out of this hole, but it's almost 1 in the morning, and I think the best thing for all involved is to just get it over with. I think the title should be, rather, "The Double Bill from Hell". No offense to either the filmmakers or the programmers who put the double bill together. In a sense, they are kinda similar: one being an obscure actor's showcase, the other a cult comedy about weed. Both about protagonists on the verge of great career success, but who throw it all away in order to do the right thing. Ain't that the whole story of life right there?
Up first, The Confession, and I will say it looked pretty great in HD, no less! I don't know. It's not particularly remarkable, kind of a hybrid of The Verdict and A Civil Action, not to give too much away. Maybe a little Fracture thrown into the mix, but without Hannibal to make it a kitsch klassic. And no David Mamet screenplay where he gets to throw in (just one of) his trademark line(s), "Things change". It starts with two seemingly separate story threads, one of a lawyer on his way to the top, played by an extra-pouty Alec Baldwin... I was able to suspend my disbelief eventually, but I couldn't help but think of the gazillions of times he was on SNL. Schwety balls!!! The other (plot thread) is about a family about to be visited by an awful family tragedy. Hard to believe this was filmed in the Clinton administration! Anyway, the two seemingly disparate story threads eventually intertwine, taking up the rest of the damn movie, but not before alpha dog Jay O. Sanders struts his rich businessman stuff all over the place. Surely Maxim magazine took note of this guy! Or GQ or Details or any number of the other men's magazines out there. Thoreau's lost essay, my ass! That's another thing one of these movies usually has. In American Beauty it was the Nazi dinnerware, ... there's other examples, I'm sure. Oh yeah, Safe Men had the Stanley cup. Priceless. Anyway, things unfold in a typical way eventually, but they throw enough dust into your eyes to keep it interesting. Incidentally, how does a rising star defense attorney get to be D.A.? Would they let Johnny Cochran be D.A. in Los Angeles? I think not. And how many judges do you know who are dating a defense attorney? Just Janice Rogers Brown, huh? I thought so. And how unlikely is it that said defense attorney would get involved with his client's wife? Well, I guess I gave just about all of it away. The actors are in fine form, of course. Ben Kingsley does his usual solid work, although I just couldn't get into his quest against the modern justice system, or his proselytizing on the subject of God. Time to refresh yourself on the story of Job. Six Feet Under's Richard Jenkins is also on hand, although I hear it's not his best work since The Visitor, or The Witches of Eastwick, for that matter. I don't know who the prosecuting attorney was, but if he worked on it I think he's got a great Tom Brokaw impression in his future!...
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To cleanse a jaded melodrama palate, Half Baked was next on the docket. Don't ask me why. Okay, it was on sale at the pawn shop. And the picture quality was great! Watching it in HD, though, you can tell it was made the old fashioned way, on good ol' 35mm celluloid. Just like Problem Child. Brought to you by the same producer-director team behind Billy Madison, and made one year before The Confession (ANOTHER similarity!), it also follows many standard comedy formulas even though it's about weed. It's purportedly a cult classic. I think someone might have recommended it to me, can't remember. I do know it's got the same John Landis font that Animal House had, also a Universal picture. Apparently Chappelle was disappointed with the end result, calling it a "stoner comedy for kids." Guess Up In Smoke was already made or something. No one goes home happy.
So, not to give too much away, the plot is as follows. Dave Chappelle and his three friends like to smoke weed. Life is good until one day, one of his friends gets thrown in jail. That part is too good to reveal. They need to raise $100,000 bail, even though they set it at a million. But how are they going to raise a hundred thousand dollars? They got it: sell weed. But how? Then, the answer presents itself: the pharmaceutical company has their own source of weed to be tested on behalf of the FDA. Uh huh. Chappelle... I mean, Thurgood Jenkins, fortunately gets involved and the final piece of the puzzle is in place. The Doofer's still locked up, gives the trio on the outside his blessing (another good scene) and the grand scheme of schemes is bourne. Meanwhile, Chappelle... Thurgood meets the love of his life, a gal named Mary Jane who was visiting her father in prison. She's virulently anti-weed, isn't sorry her dad's locked up for selling weed, and scrumptious as hell. Oh, was I ever that young? And of course, the big drug dealer in the area gets wind of all this and puts the screws to Thurgood's operation. I swear, that dude could be D.L. Hughley's father.

Cameos and homages abound. If I remember correctly, there's even one for the shower scene in American History X, or is it just prison movies in general? Love that one blatant shower shot. Oh yeah. Breuer gets fired from his job at the record store, and with briefcase in hand, does the homage to Jerry Maguire. Guillermo Diaz at one point, does the homage to Dead Presidents... am I the only one who remembers? Jon Stewart has a bit as a weed buyer who's constantly amazed at how weed makes normal things interesting. I'm thinking, too late for an Oscar nomination? Why, even Snoop has a cameo and works over a roach like a 7th degree Black Belt... in weed smoking. Okay, YOU phrase that better!...

Well, I don't know what else can be said. An amicable way to spend 82 minutes all around. And a fine springboard for Dave Chappelle's talent: at one point there are two of him in the same shot: Thurgood and Sir Smoke-a-lot. And even though it's not a romantic comedy, for the life of me I can't think of a more romantic line than the film's last... about how, um... ladies trump weed, for lack of better terminology. And was that Jada Pinkett Smith as the talking joint? Let me check... nope, guess not.

*** for both
-so sayeth the Movie (Review) Hooligan.

The "I can die a happy man" Box Office

I don't know why that should be, but anyone who's read this blog will know why I'm happy this weekend. Last weekend. This last weekend. But before we get to that, we still gotta do #3 and #4. Number 4, chick flick, nothing new. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, and I probably am, but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it. It's part of this whole new generation of light, fluffy adaptations... The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, The Object of My Affection, Someone Like You... might as well throw Running With Scissors into the mix, what the hell. At #3 it's Righteous Kill. If this does well, we might have Grumpy Old Men: The Next Generation on our hands. And all of that that followed...
And of course at #2, it's Tyler Perry's latest. As most in Hollywood know, it doesn't really matter what the title is. Just that it's got Tyler's name on it, and six months from now there'll be another one. Tyler's a busy man! But I figure by the time he catches up to, and surpasses Bill Cosby in terms of riches, he'll get tired of working so damn hard and he'll rest on his laurels, living off the dividends of that Costco 20-DVD box set til the end of his days. You're right, it's just the jealousy talking.
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Finally! This is what it's all about right here. Am I the only one who knows it? With the No Country lawsuit behind them, James Schamus gives the Coens a big boost with viral web-vertising, wall-to-wall TV ads, and I'm assuming some trailer spots. They're back into Lebowski territory with their latest, Burn After Reading, baby! I swore I was going to post the review first, but what the hell. That's always the hard part for me. Especially a movie I like. I will admit I thought to myself, this can't be a hit. Several reasons which I won't go into here, but the star power has trumped all that for now. We've got some big contenders on the horizon, but you did it, boys! Ladykillers came close, Hudsucker not, I. Cru almost, but that's all behind you now. With a #1 under both your belts, J 'n E, maybe some good things will finally start happening in your careers!

Auteur Watch - Fred Jonathan R. Beutel

We'll get back to the other half of the greatest box office story in history, but first... You like scary stories, kids? Well, there's nothing scarier than a film director! They have to be a jack of all trades, a storyteller, a shaman, a technophile, a technophobe, a drill sargent, a mother, a father, and a shoulder to cry on firing a starter's pistol at your crew to make them walk a little faster, all in one little carbon-based human frame, ranging in weight from anywhere to Ida Lupino at 80 lbs., or ... Dom DeLuise directed once, right? Anyway, you get the idea. Now of course, everyone knows your Spielbergs and your Fred Ashmans, even the most isolationist farmers in Montana know all about them. And when your kids want to grow up and be a filmmaker, they sit there with their DV8 cameras uploading your most private memories to YouTube with dreams of Antoine Fuqua and Fred Ashman running through their heads. Ooh, someday I'm going to work for Jerry Bruckheimer! That's the American dream.
But, and this is a big but, American dreams often don't come true, except if you've got a defunkt bank these days. Then you're getting all kinds of government cheese, you rat!
As I was saying, American dreams often don't come true, and not all kids grow up to be Spielbergs or Friedkins or Zemecki or Fred Ashmans, no. Some grow up and start as screenwriters, hoping to get into directing. And inevitably, when a screenwriter's first starting out, they're hungry, and they write the best thing they'll ever write in their entire lives. And it gets made. Maybe even remade a whole generation later, 'cuz the CGI back then was kinda crappy. Which was part of its charm, because even good CGI today looks a little crappy and doesn't even have sufficient kitsch value by most standards, but I digress again. So your first project gets made, and it's a big hit, and you've finally got that brass ring, so you become a bit of a tyrant and you say, it is time. I've paid my dues and I'm ready to move into that big director's chair on the Chapman crane. Unfortunately, it's a hasty followup like My Science Project... Okay, so you wrote it while in High School so it needs a little tweaking, and you were really hoping to get Victor Mature to play the disgruntled teacher, but still, you've got the green light, the pressure's on, and you just gotta make do with what you got.
And so, it doesn't do as well as the studio hoped, but you still want to direct so you decide to do some TV. But you don't have the chops or the cojones of someone like Rod Daniel or Tony Bill or Joel Zwick, so you don't stay in TV forever and you do only two shows, CBS Playhouse and an animated show for kids based on the cute, cuddly antics of Freddy Krueger. But an opportunity comes up to cash in on the Jurassic Park craze, and like some desperate fool you jump at it.

Some like JONATHAN R. "Chet" BEUTEL!
I'm just saying it might work out that way, that's all. We all gots the Hoop Dreams, Coach!

Hello, Madea? You just got SERVED! heh heh...

Now now, bitter grapes. I mean, this is only the best box office weekend in history! And I'm just letting it all slip away, so time to get on the case. But I'm going to savor it this time. Break it into two installments. Now, normally when I do that I'll split the top 10 into 1-5 and 6-10, but since 1 thru 4 is all newbies, why not just do 5 to 10 for starters. At #5 it's Tropic Thunder, and if I were Judd Apatow I'd be furiously taking notes. "Note to self: TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!" No please, we want to see another Superbad clone or Seth Rogen naked again. The market's insatiable!
See, they worked together on Cable Guy and, ... ah, fu... skip it. At #6 we got... whadda we got? Oh yeah, The House Bunny. Now, normally with a film like this we'd be saying, oh, it's closing in on the 100 million dollar mark. This time, 50 million will just have to do. I guess people just don't want to contemplate their own mortality, in this case it has to do with a Playboy bunny getting kicked out of Hef's little Garden of Eden there in Beverly Hills, or wherever the Playboy mansion is. Say it isn't so, Hef!
Next, The Dark Knight at #7. Looks like it's not going to post Titanic numbers (600 million). Maybe if they make the next one even darker, if I can use that phrase in mixed company. Get Hershey's to sell dark chocolate bars in the shape of the new Batman shape as a tie-in.
At #8, Bangkok Dangerous. Or as they call it in the South, Baghdad Dangerous. Seriously, Nic, what were you thinking? Are you making up for not getting cast as Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK?
Traitor slips to #9 after holding at #5 for two weeks in a row. I don't know what to say except that it's another crushing defeat for the Soderbergh Rat Pack... I know! I'll get on it, I'll get on it, quit asking me what it means.
At #10, the reboot of Death Race. Would it have killed the budget to get the original Frankenstein? ... they DID? I'm getting a wire from the AP. It's as of yet unconfirmed. Oh, they probably Gump'd in some footage of him from the original. Give 'em hell, Kwai Chang!

PATHETIC!!!!!

There's just no other single word for it. I'm just so disgusted. I even heard about it second hand. I guess that a movie with Nicolas Cage opens at 20 million, when in actuality it's 7.78! What, are we counting pennies now? On the bright side, it's the only newbie this week. Sorry, College, you're still expelled.
So we got, what? We got a tight group here. No more Step Brothers in the mix, but Judd Apatow's not totally un-represented with Mango Chutney Express rounding out the top 10 at #10. On the plus side, I think it turned a profit. AND! Rumor has it that Apatow's going to be a part of the up-and-coming Ghostbusters 3. Somehow I always knew all that ectoplasmic residue had sexual undertones to it. Thank God Apatow's finally going to reveal the truth to us.
So I guess we're going backwards, is it? At #9 it's the Sarah Palin story, Mamma Mia! Yes, apparently they're already turning her into a female Dick Cheney and keeping her from the press. Good luck, Elaine!
At #8, Disaster Movie. Living up to its name in terms of box office. I think I said that already, snarkmeister that I am, but at least this time the film's turned a profit. I'm just a-feared they're going to run out of genres! And besides, aren't we a little overdue for Date Movie 2? Or Not Another Teen Movie 2? Oh wait, different filmmakers.
#7? Death Race. Well, no one's recommended it yet, but the way this box office is going, I guess Jason Statham's the new Bruce Willis. Work up a Joisey accent, Jace.
At #6, it's Blade Runner. No, wait, it's Akira. What other movie is famous for its (shots of) tall buildings? Babylon A.D. maybe? Ah! That's it! I'm still waiting for Hannibal, Mark Antony! ...the elephant Hannibal, not the face-eater guy.
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Rounding out the top 5, it's still Traitor. I think it was that last week, too! Well, consistency's not a bad thing at all. Come to think of it, #4 and #3 are also the same from last week! Howzabout that? Man, Babylon A.D. must really be stinking up the place to get unceremoniously shoved past the threesome like that. I'm just saying. I mean, the explosion in front of the chick's face, Matrix-style and all, I mean it's cool, but not sick. Sometimes I wonder what our youth think about all this. See, they don't realize what a golden era of special effects they live in. Well, maybe they do. Kids are awfully hip these days. Are they as stricken with cinema ennui as I am when it comes to these mega-blockbusters?

So that leaves us with Ben Stiller at #2, slipping from three weeks in a row at #1. Well, these things don't last forever, you know. Except Home Alone 1. Twelve weeks at #1! I think that's still a record. Bought John Hughes that nose job, it did! As for #1, well, what can you say? Ol' Nicolas Coppola's still got it. Alas, it seems he won't have time to rest on his laurels. If you take a look at his IMDb entry, as I just did, you see he's got TEN films in the works! Someone should write a book about how a thing like that happens nowadays. I mean, even Michael Curtiz never made that many movies! ...did he?
And so, on that open-ended note, I must blog out. Or, sign out from the blog. Si-og? Man, that's sick. Well, wish me luck, for I have to move a sleeping cat from my bed. I was kinda missing the fleas there for a while. 'night, Mother.

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst Wolf

This is getting ridiculous! Are all of Ben Stiller's dreams finally coming true? Well, they are, unless it's that every year of his life will be like 2004. Now that might be too much for three celebrities to handle. In any event, even though Ben's been on top for three weeks in a row, I'm keeping my promise to my faithful reader and make this one about Fred Wolf, the hot director of The House Bunny. Your stock is rising, Freddy! Now you'll get the good couch at Happy Madison productions!
But we'll get back to him later. Again I dis Stiller because I just happen to have this image of Riddick, who comes in this week at #2 with Babylon A.D., whatever that is. I guess it's time to do Auteur Watch: Vin Diesel... I mean, Auteur Watch: Mathieu Kassovitz. You know him - he's that dude that gets Amelie all hot and bothered. No, not the special guy who takes his time doling out potatoes. I mean, he's great and all, but he's the nice guy that finishes last. Nope, only the best for Amelie. And by the way, when's the sequel to that coming out?
At #3 it's Batman Begins 2: The Dark Knight. Never hurts to say it longform. Some wonder if it's going to beat Titanic, which is #1 at 600 million (1998 dollars). Somehow, I don't think the Dark Knight appeals to the chicks as much. I mean, sure, who wouldn't want to be rescued by Batman if you're thrown out of a window, but this is not a long-term relationship. Look what happened to the couple in Speed! Have we learned nothing, people?
And rounding out the top 5 is Traitor. Wild and crazy screenwriter, indeed! Blatant oscar bait.
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At 6 to 10, well, I'm afraid I may have to cop out yet again, except to point out that, try as they might, spending double the budget on TV ads, College slips to #11. Wait! In a rare reversal, because Lucas made the phone call, Clone Wars beats Woody Allen's latest, dropping Woody to #11, and College to 12 and beyond. Oh, I've never seen anything like it... Wait, that's right. I have. Strange Wilderness and Clerks II. Both spent like crazy on TV spots, but didn't even crack the Top 10. Not viral enough.
Speaking of which! Let's now bounce back to #4, The House Bunny. Now, James Bernardinelli didn't seem to know who Fred Wolf is, but I'll be more than happy to fill in those blanks. And trust me, Mr. Wolf has credentials to spare, and then some! Believe me. Welp, it all started with an obscure comedy troupe called SNL for short, I forget what that stands for. Mr. Wolf was employed as a writer, but he did venture out into the wild wilderness of Weekend Update one night to do a special commentary. You may be able to find it on YouTube. ...no, I said Fred Wolf, not Amy Poehler! Maybe you'll have better luck than I. Anyway, so Fred does his thing on Update, and this is probably an apocryphal story, but it's still the stuff of showbiz legend. As Fred's walking off the stage, Lorne Michaels himself pulls Fred aside and says "Don't ever... don't ever do that again, Fred." But Lorne must not have been totally disappointed with Fred the screenwriter, as he helmed the political satire Black Sheep with Chris Farley and David Spade. Other scripts soon followed: Dirty Work, Joe Dirt, and other titles without the word Dirt in them, oddly enough. And so, it was toil and trouble in the sulphur mines of Happy Madison Enterprises long enough, until ol' Fred, like Rob Schneider, said to himself, "Hey! I can direct one of these crappy things my own damn self!" But Fred lucked out and landed himself two directing jobs simultaneously... That must be the case. I mean, how often does one director get two films the same year? Okay, besides Soderbergh in 2000. Well, we'll just have to wait til next February to see if Fred gets an Oscar nomination. I'm guessing The House Bunny for Best Makeup.

Short Reviews - Aug. '08

Well, it has been announced that, what was once the Siskel & Ebert show is no more. Robert Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times has officially left. Like most people say, I agree that, in his reviews, he kinda gets to the heart of the movie. Except when I disagree with him (O Brother ring a bell?). But they still have the show on something called ReelzChannel with these two other guys, and I finally had the following epiphany: I wonder if they ever get any complaints like "Dear Mr. Film Critic, I took your advice and instead of taking my kids to see the Hannah Montana movie, we drove the 80 miles to the big city where they were showing the film you recommended with the Oscar-winning performance of a lifetime about the Iraq war vet who comes back and becomes a drug mule for a group of albino Danish expatriates who are planning to blow up the Golden Gate bridge, and I gotta say that I should of just gone to the Hannah Montana movie instead. My kids still won't stop crying. And we got a parking ticket. Thanks a lot for nothing." Time for Short Reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 11 more days to go.......

Ghost Town - Oh, David Koepp... Did you need the money?

Insanitarium - Oh, Peter Stormare... Did you need the money?

Disaster Movie - I wonder if Carmen Electra ever gets tired of doing these sorts of things.

Still Waiting... - I'm sorry, but to me it's just not authentic without Van Wilder. Call me crazy, call me a purist.

I shouldn't be alive HD - Steve Ball, etc. - That's gotta be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Batman & Robin!

X-Files episode #Milagro - Geez, why didn't they just call it "The Turning"? John Hawkes was good as the heart-stealing creepy novelist; guess Vince Gallo was unavailable.

Sixty Six - Finally! Paul Weiland, director of such classics as Leonard Part 6 and City Slickers 2 directs the film he was meant to make: his autobiography! ...Right? Ah, who cares if I'm right or not.

The Incredible (Edible) Hulk - Thank God his pants stayed on!

Babylon A.D. - Vin Diesel's back! Oh, it's 2001 all over again, and Vin is a man on the go with a fast car and a bad attitude.

Death Race - 2000? Guantanamo? Can't be any worse than that Rollerball remake with Keanu. Right?

Dead Like Me (2009) - Welcome back, Peanut!

White Palace - I didn't know James Spader was Jewish!

VeggieTales - If this is the best Jesus has to offer us, I am not impressed.

College - Wow. Another Animal House clone. Or is that a Van Wilder clone? I know, I know ... it's original because it's about high schoolers who just get a sneak peek at college by being prospective freshmen. That, and there seems to be not one known movie star in it. I forget - does that make it better or worse than Van Wilder? Probably better, right?

College (1927) - A Classic.

2001 Maniacs Part 2: 2008 Maniacs - Oh, why do they make me wait?!!!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt - Ooooh! Who's gonna play Spota? (David Jensen!!! I KNEW IT!!)

The Art of War II: The IRS Files - Just kidding, Wesley. You know I love you.

A Jazz Man's Blues - For all you nay-sayers out there, this will be the film that proves to you that Tyler Perry's a writer.

Ghost Town - I don't know what it is, but why do I not like Ricky Gervais? What's wrong with me?

The Bridge - Shame on me. Heard about this from 20/20. Give me a break!!! I mean, seriously, it's good, but it would've been better in HD.

And speaking of auteurs...

I was going to go to bed, but something on the computer usually catches my eye before I do. Usually an article that asks a provocative question. This time it's an article that asks the provocative question, "Who is the most overrated director?" Something like that. A link to it on the IMDb, anyhow. Well, as most of you know who read this blog, I tend not to deal with such subjects, and the aforementioned article attempts to untangle the intricacies of the paradoxes inherent in the question itself, and probably does the best job of it that one can do, so in answering the question on my own I'll just stick to the directors they list. After all, it's an honor just to be mentioned. And let's face it, the era of the film director is clearly in decline anyway. No, the real star of the silver screen is The Latest Special Effect 1.1a. Whatever it may be. Might not even be visual! Might be a Sound Effect 1.1a! No-names direct Pixar pictures; case closed.

And frankly, I'm shocked. Why isn't Michael Bay on this list? Or Brett Ratner for that matter? Oh man, do people hate that guy. But you know what? They put asses in seats. That's what directors do these days. Keep that popcorn 'n Pepsi babysitter rolling. Keepin' the promise of Federalism alive. People say Brett Ratner ruined X-Men 3, I say how can you tell? What, did he put the camera in all the wrong places? And Michael Bay, complain all you want, he's still making 150 million dollar pictures. Is that an accident? SOMEONE'S going to see these things! And now he's got Spielberg's produce-orial blessing instead of Bruckheimer. Kevin Costner, overrated as a director AND an actor. Not on the list. For shame.

But already I defeat my porpoise here. Let's get back to the(ir) list of Ten Overrated Directors, heavily weighted in terms of Oscar winners. Five bonafide Oscar winners, three nominees... really? Brian De Palma's never been nominated? Weird! Well, neither has Sidney Lumet, but that's just Hollywood politics. Anyway, and the other nominee that's never gotten an Oscar nomination, and he's my #1 most overrated director, Kevin Smith. And shame on you, Academy, for like, totally ignoring Jersey Girl. Did you not see that picture quality? No nomination for DP? Oh, but Vilmos, he's already won. That would just be unfair! But, no, the reason Kev's my #1 is not because of all that, not because everyone I ask about Clerks swears it's f@¢*(n hilarious, but knows nothing about the rest of his vast library of work, no. ...I was going to add another "Not because", but life's too short. No, the reason he's my #1 is because of his upcoming Zack and Miri make a Porno, which was going to be rated NC-17 until Kev and his lawyer friend went before the MPAA and complained. Oh, boo hoo, why can't I have an R, teach? PATHETIC! And you call yourself a director. A real director takes his or her lumps! A real director LIVES with their MPAA rating. Just ask Philip Kaufman!

As for the rest of the list, well, it's just too painful to put together, and I'm not putting as much thought into it as I should, but I think Quentin probably belongs at #2. I mean, he makes a mean film and all, but I think I'm still smarting from his publicity blitz for Pulp Fiction. Or Grindhouse, either one. And Kill Bill's great and all, but somehow I don't think they're showing it at any La Moz classes, however you spell it. Like Dave Letterman said, he's kinda dorky. And Letterman knows about dorky, believe me.

At #3 I've put Oliver Stone, director of Tarantino's script for Natural Born Killers. Although, to be fair, I'd rather have Ollie's entire film collection than any mere volume by David McCulloch or David Halberstam, for that matter. Or even a Doris Kearns Goodwin. Does Ann Coulter do actual history? She seems like the bookish type. Also, he's not just ruining American history anymore. He beat Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo Di Caprio to the punch and did Alexander, so he's not just permanently stuck in the 1970s like Quentin seems to be. And frankly, I don't know what to expect from his upcoming Dubya. It's either going to be Path to 9/11 part 2, or it'll be the perfect sendoff to the worst president in American history. All of American history! No small feat. But that's what a director does. Surprise you like that.

At #4, Brian De Palma. So close to greatness. He's the kind of guy who does the thing where you put your hand down on a wooden table and stab the spaces in between the fingers with a sharp knife, except De Palma, God bless him, just keeps hitting his fingers. Some say Scarface is a classic, I say the original is a classic. And the more I see The Untouchables, the more I think to myself, what the f-- is up with the music? Bonfire of the Vanities, oh don't get me started. I can't even bring myself to read the book about it (The Devil's Candy). I blame Vilmos for that one.

At #5, M. Night. He'd be higher up on the list, but I think The Happening has brought him some (measure of) redemption. See any of the ads? It's his first R-rated feature! Now, THAT's a motherf--'n director! Learn from that, Kevin.
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At #6, I put Opie, Ron Howard. I don't know why, maybe it's because he didn't mention any of the other nominees the year he won. Maybe it's because his films kinda suck. Apollo 13 was good, though. What else? Grand Theft Auto? And don't complain that I'm just ranking these guys in terms of how much money their films have made! I do like what he did in Grinch with that one dog's butt. Subtle, but cute. Something else you can learn from, Kev.

#7 brings us George Lucas. I like what the article said, all he's really directed was Star Wars, so it's not an issue having him on this list. Now, now, let's not leave out American Graffiti. Interesting how that works, though: on the one hand he's got megahits like Star Wars and Indiana Jones that will be seen forever. On the other hand, Howard the Duck and Radioland Murders. How do you produce both of those? Ponder on that one, Lucas! Ah, who am I kidding, he'll never have to work again. Oh yeah, apparently Lucas thought he could have directed Apocalypse Now. I'll leave others to bicker over that one. Needles to say, I think not.

At #8 I'll put Martin Scorsese. He's a director's director, and GoodFellas, well, if any director had a film like GoodFellas on their resumé they'd be set for life. Unfortunately, you also get misfires like The Departed and (The) Gangs of New York. Yeah, that's right, I didn't care for The Departed. Police work just shouldn't be this fraught with levels of complexity, if I've learned anything about movie cops lo these many years.

At #9, Steven Spielberg. Well, why not give the guy who's already got everything he'll ever need one more accolade? Everything he'll ever need and his children and his children's children. Although I heard he needs a new kidney. Cough up, Parkes!

And finally, the Coen Brothers. Are they overrated? Oh, probably, but if they've read my blog at all they should know how I feel about that. I'm still not a millionaire yet so I can't be your movie benefactors for life yet, guys, so this blog will just have to do. Besides, I hear you're tight with Bevan / Fellner again. Easy Street City! Now, the (other) article was mentioning all the movies that the guy was eagerly waiting for, like Clint Eastwood's latest, and no offense to Clint, but I couldn't help but think to myself... what are you, nuts? Million Dollar Baby part 2? No thanks. No, I'm the wrong person to ask what I'm excited to see, 'cuz I'm just not that excited anymore. I'll see the latest from Spielberg, or if George Lucas hits on a new great franchise idea. Maybe Batman Begins 3, or Spider Man 4, or Fahrenheit 9/11 pt. 2, I don't know. But I do know this: I am waiting for Burn After Reading, and that's only about fifteen days away, and it just may represent the last hurdle for the Coens to jump. They've already got the Oscars, the admiration of fans, and cast and crew alike, ... they've got the French critics in their pockets, anyhow. But the one thing that all these other guys got already, and that's a film to open at #1 at the Box Office. Except Kevin Smith. I don't think any of Smith's films have opened at #1, and they really tried with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They really, really tried. Ad after ad after ad, and the media even got involved, but not the way ol' KS wanted. The media asked, "Jay and Silent Bob... they're gay, right?" No! No, they're not gay. What's wrong with you media types? Have you SEEN any of their movies? Are you gay? They're dead butch!
Oh, but I digress again. Looks like Obama's going to win, and the Coens will have their #1 hit with Burn After Reading. Although, that IS an awful lot of Oscar winners to have in a comedy, guys. I'm just saying. You forget who you're dealing with here in America. A bunch of rubes. On the other hand, Larry the Cable Guy's films aren't doing all that great, neither. Not a #1 hit yet. Maybe we're finally crawling out of the primordial slime as a nation. Who knows? Maybe it's just me.

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst

Otherwise, it's just another normal week at the box office. Yeah, more like weak! Combined total of the top 10 films? 82.1 million in ticket sales. PATHETIC!!! Let's assess the damage, and for reasons you'll find out about later I'm starting off with lucky number seven, and it's Mirrors. I swear, you take the trailers of all these so-called horror movies of the last five years and they all look the same. Only the titles are different, and some of those are remakes of 70s horror movies. Meanwhile Dubya's in the White House going "Aw, man! Where's The Hitcher 2? They swore it'd be out before I left office... guess I'd better stay!" Maybe the Supreme Court can pull some more strings. Here, I'll help you with the tie-breaking opinion: "While we respect the fact that the people voted for Obama / Biden, it is the opinion of the highest court in the land that a Republican administration will do the best job in office, and when we say Republican administration, we say the current Republican administration. I mean, why change horses in midstream? Especially when they've stopped to take a leak." But I digress. Number 6 is Pineapple Express. Welp, that's the trouble with making movies for stoners. They're never sure if they went to see it or not! Shoulda given 'em some chips or somethin', guys.
At #5 it's Clone Wars. Man, even George Lucas didn't see this one. All the critics are so cynical, saying it's just a primer for a new show on Cartoon Network. What? Do you not admire the effort they're putting into it? How many TV shows do that, huh? So cynical. At #4 it's The Dark Knight (TDK: NASDAQ) and it's almost over the 500 million dollar mark. Don't give up now! No, it's headed for free-fall. I hate to see distributors pull something out of theaters before people really get a chance to see it. I mean, REALLY see it, you know?
And so we go from dark knight to Death Race (2008) at #3. How come no one's calling this a reboot? Could it be that the original's better? Nah, that can't be. Not with all your modern editing techniques. For this one, the latest state-of-the-art technique is to show it to a test audience, and they measure the heart beat of everyone in the theater. Then, you take the average heart beat, and edit the movie accordingly. Oh, it's a snap with Avid!
Maybe next week I'll do Auteur Watch: Fred Wolf. Yeah, it's only fair. Follow a Fred with a Fred. Two two-legged Freds right in a row, right, Imey? It truly is a Cinderella story, only with more flamboyant dresses. So, three cheers to all the stockholders at Happy Madison productions. It's gonna be a great summah!
Meanwhile at #1, Tropic Thunder reigns supreme yet again! Pretty kewl. At least they were brave and posted the budget, not like all the newbies this week. Cowards! Well, with an eye-popping $92 million price tag, it's still less costly than the occupation of Iraq. All hail Blackwater, our new corporate overlords!
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And so, as if we're trapped in some kind of unholy torus, we wrap back around to #10, and it's that Mummy sequel. You got anything to add? Me neither. Let's move on, then. Mamma Mia hangs on with fingernails at #9. Well, we can only hope that some more movie musicals get the green light as a result. Any other Bob Fosse Broadway shows that can be celluloidicized? It'd get Best Picture, easy!

And finally, what it's all about right here, Alfie. Number 8. Oh, it doesn't really matter what the name of this film is, or who's in it, and how it's further eroding their street cred. All we really need to know is that 1) this is probably the only week it'll be in the Top 10, so watch out come Oscar time next year. And 2) it was directed by... drumroll please! Da, da-da daaaa! FRED DURST. Maybe you've heard of him! If not, save yourself the aggravation and stop reading this. Yeah, you know, some people in this life aren't happy enough being the front man for one of the most annoying bands this side of the Insane Clown Posse, spewing so-called pop music on our public airwaves. Look, ma! I'm swearing! Well, what can you say? That's the toxic pop culture sewer we live in, here in the greatest country on Earth. But hey! If it's good enough for Halle Berry, it's good enough for me. And behind every obnoxious white guy with the evil Devil goatee there beats the heart of a proud, card-carrying member of the DGA. Yes, you've crawled out of the primordial slime, developed arms and legs, and your body has cannibalized the salamander tail, and now you've evolved that strange mix of psychological traits that a director must possess: half army general, half stage manager, half editing deck dominatrix. You keep up these PG-rated movies, Durst, and you too will sit at the big table mingling with the likes of Michael Apted, Arthur Hiller, Spike Lee and many others. Or maybe they'll welcome you already, who knows.

Auteur Watch - Hugh Hudson

Not to be confused with Hugh Wilson, director of such hits as Police Academy (1) and Blast from the Past. Although, like Hugh Wilson, I'm sure Hudson would agree, looking back on his award-winning career, that the 80s was his favourite decade. You know, Chariots of Fire was a big hit with critics and audiences alike, and Vangelis still sends him flowers, things were looking up ... but then, Greystoke hit. And then Revolution hit and missed, the cocaine reserves started to dry up, and then Lost Angels hit, and the studio figured, well, Colors was a big hit, why not this? So Hudson's gestation period gradually grew longer and longer. Thank god Lumière et compagnie came along to ease the tension. Now, I know all you naysayers out there are going to just get all negative and try in vain to counterbalance that bit of good luck and say "Oh, please! That was like Director's Jury Duty. Any fresh-faced kid with a DGA card got a job on that. Directors were trying to AVOID it, it was such a mess! But then, the Millennial panic finally paid off for Mr. Hugh, and brought us My Life So Far. Unfortunately, everyone thought it was the highly anticipated My So-Called Life movie, and turned away in disgust, much as they did with I Dreamed of Africa, so needles to say Hugh's been taking another long break, that is until IDoA gets shown enough on HBO and enough people confuse it with Out of Africa and tune in while they're washing dishes and the Nielsen ratings pump it up and finally make it solvent. Just like HBO's still trying to do with Valkenvania. Wikipedia says he's been up to something, but to me, if it's not on IMDb, it might as well not exist at all. So, here's to you, Hugh Hudson, and here's hoping that that Kate Hudson pic that Donald Petrie turned down comes through for you. You know, that one that takes place in one room in long 90-minute take a la Lars Von Trier, the one that would be considered a classic if it weren't for Captivity. Maybe Elisha will exec-produce that one too!

Hugh Hudson's IMDb entry
Hugh Hudson's Wikipedia entry

Finally! Geez, that took long enough.

But wait a minute! What's this? Pineapple Express got cut down to #5? Oh, Apatow's not gonna be happy about this. You betrayed him, Stiller, for the last time... just checking. Nope! Apatow didn't produce it! Guess he's off doing his own thing. He'll have something by Christmas time, I'm sure. Meantime, there's a gloomy sheriff walking down Main Street in Apatown, population Loser.

Anyway, let's assess the fallout. Strangely enough, after the first couple weeks, Batman's had a rather linear drop-off in repeat business. Hmm! People are finally looking past the hype and studying the flaws? Oh, that's not good. That's never good. But I think it's doing all right in the long run, well enough that someone free-lancing for GQ magazine a couple decades from now won't have to write a guilty pleasure article for some Hollywood producer titled "Why I like The Dark Knight" and extolling its virtues as a guilty pleasure. No, it's above and beyond that; Patrick Swayze's not in it, after all. Or Steven Seagal. No, someday someone will have to write a similar article titled "Why I like Who's Your Caddy", or "Why I like From Justin to Kelly." But it (The Dark Knight) had to be bested by someone eventually, and Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller's latest, was finally able to do it. If my counting's correct, this is his fourth feature film in so many years, and I think we can all attribute its success to a youth bubble that grew up on Night at the Museum and is finally able to appreciate Ben's R-rated side. And of course, I'll do my part to differentiate screenwriter Etan Cohen from Ethan Coen. It won't be easy. I mean, their names are pretty similar. They even have the same number of letters! All you do is move an 'h' around, and the two are the same! They did the Matrix, right?

Moving briskly along to #3, it's an animated Star Wars feature. Of the voices, C3PO and Mace Windu came back. And Count Dooku. Something depressing about that. I'm far too depressed to see if the guy who does Jabba the Hutt's voice is the same as from Return of the Jedi. ...okay, just looked. So, who did the voice in Jedi? James Earl Jones, right? ... Nope, someone else.

What's next? Oh yeah, that horror movie at #4, called Mirrors. Not as setting-centric as 1408, but a little more substantial than that one with ... who's that guy who looks like David Duchovny but he's different? Or that one where some gal's making her bed and you see a pair of legs standing on the bed under the covers? So many provocative images, so little time. But in Mirrors, internationally renowned movie star Amy Smart has the rare distinction of opening her mouth wider than her skull can handle, in order to display the emotion of fear. And it's not even CGI! Oh, if only I still had my DVD burner I could capture an image of that. And I've never heard Kiefer so scared since he was buried alive in ... what was that movie? Da Vanishing, that's it. Let's move on now. Pineapple Express at #5, yada yada yada...
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As for the rest of you mugs, there's the most newbies we've seen in a while, but most of the old-bies are here in the 6 to 9 range. Except of course, for the best movie Woody Allen's made in twenty years, and it's Crimes and Misdemeanors 2! Hah! I bet he gets tired of hearing about that one. But what about Shadows and Fog, he might ask? And Bullets over Broadway, for Christ's sake! Dianne Wiest only won the fucking Oscar for that! And how about Mighty Aphrodite? Didn't Mira Sorvino win for that one? Better look it up again ... She very much did! So, what's that? Chopped liver? Guess so! And how about... nope, guess that's about it. Never mind.

Li'l Bit...

The Destructors a.k.a. The Marseille Contract.
Last seen on: ... TCM? (Turner Classic Movies). Yeah, that was it, because afterward they had ads for upcoming pics with Chaplin and Fatty Arbuckle. Oh, weren't they great together? On the other hand, they're not yet in HD. Get on that, guys! Ted, pay the extra 50 bucks. Make the conversion.
Anyway, let me wrap this up before I lose interest altogether. Michael Caine was in fine form as always, but it takes about a half hour before he even enters the damn picture! Somehow the stuff at the beginning wasn't terribly credible with two-time Oscar winner Anthony Quinn able to outrun and kick the sh... snot out of these younger tough guys with guns. What was he, sixty? Somehow those big barrels on the stairwell weren't an accident either. Oh, his running was more painful to watch than Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, I tells ya. So the whole setup was a bit half baked to me and my viewing companions. It seemed to be an uneasy amalgam of The Day of the Jackal and The French Connection. Guess they thought the title The Marseille Contract was a little too similar. An interesting idea, though. The two leads knowing each other was a nice twist. And as the picture awkwardly attempts to suggest, there were some things worth stealing... I mean, paying homage to, from this picture. In fact, somehow the plot reminded me of The Departed, even though it's clearly less complex, and therefore not as good. And where this gives you only one thrilling car chase, Ronin gives you... six? Seven? I lost count after about seven. There was a car chase in the skating rink with Katarina Witt, right? Someone thought it was like The Bourne Identity, but that's extremely unfair to my man Jason Bourne. Oh yeah, not to mention the car chase used as foreplay, something even the most sterile, asexual reader of Maxim magazine can appreciate. It's the kind of thing you just don't see in movies these days.
Near as I can tell, the only big name worth remembering in the crew was Douglas Slocombe, who most film geeks will know off the top as the cameraman of the three GOOD Indiana Jones pics... Sorry, Stevie, but you know it's true. But I'm sorry. Judd Parrish? Robert Bernard? Never heard of 'em. See? Let's see if anyone cares I got the names wrong. And speaking of names, Steve Ventura? I'm sorry. That violates the #1 rule of movie names. In a movie like this, the main guy, the Alpha Dog is named Jack, and his best friend is named Frank. End of story. I learned that from The Day After Tomorrow, and you can too. Steven Seagal as well: four movies he's named Jack, three John, the more formal Jack. One movie he's named Frank, but it was an Albert Pyun movie. Clearly a charity case.
Guess that's about all that can be said about it. And to all my wealthy readers, I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you this. Never EVER supervise your own drug deals! Just don't do it. Are you really that bored with the good life? Oh, good help is just so hard to find these days.

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so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Deb Hagan

Yeah, it's time for another installment of our regular feature here at The Movie Hooligan, and it's called Auteur Watch, where we profile in detail those film directors of note, look at their illustrious past and make note of what's rumored to be in their future(s). According to the IMDb, basically; that's my only rumour pipeline for now.

Now, normally when I do this segment I either tend to pick the well known auteurs of our time, or I'll pick the ones that I like. I know I did one on the Coen brothers and Steven Spielberg. Why, I even did one about Rob Zombie; well, he's paid some dues at this point in his career, so why not, I say. Welp, gotta keep on the move, so who to select next? I was having some trouble deciding at first, that is until I started seeing ads for this awful-looking movie with no big name actors in it, and it's called "College." Simply "College". You know, people say that the ads always make the movies look good. Now I'd be the first to admit that I'm just a jaded sophisticate, but not only do the ads for College NOT make it look good, it makes me wonder how things like this get put in theaters in the first place, whilst a classic like Bachelor Party 2 starring the Doofer is consigned to the shame of a direct-to-DVD release. Yeah, I know it's no longer a bad thing, but it's still a stigma in my eyes. And we are talking about the Doofer, after all. He wanted to put this in theaters, but he's doing it for the kids. And showing a lot of class by doing that, I might add.

Yeah, I must be out of touch. I was hoping to find more resumés like Andree Moss and Carolyn Moss, but Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell have fine careers already under their belt, but now it's time for them to shine. In College. And besides, like we learned in Econ class, they're spending a lot of money on advertising, so it MUST be a quality product. It's not just a 90-minute trailer, this will be embraced by public and critic alike. With much repeat business as the cherry on top. So the next question (for me) is: who was given the honor of directing the greatest movie ever made in history? Spike Lee? Wes Anderson? Coppola? Surely there was some sort of bidding war over it, names withdrawn then put back into contention... Well, we may never know the true story of how it went down in that smoke-filled room. At least, not until it comes out on DVD and PSP and Blu-Ray: the ultimate edition, unrated of course. Hard to say where they'll talk about that more, in the commentary or in the making-of documentary on Disc 2. I'm betting the commentary. Anyway, all we really know for now is that someone named Deb Hagan got the job, and did an excellent job, by the way. So what sorts of film credentials and life experience does it take to put something like College together? Well, all we know at this point is it's all based on Deb Hagan's previous and first film, a short film called Pee Shy. Well, we don't know much from the official Pee Shy movie web site, but take note, Jerry Bruckheimer. Even you have to admit the title is appropriate: what you see is what you get. So Deb's got that part of the biz down pretty good. And even though College is just about some high schoolers visiting a college for a couple days, you can't deny that the title gives you an idea of where the film takes place. Why, look! Pee Shy even has the same font as College! That classic College font! And the yellow streaks on the letters are a nice touch, even though I can't figure out what it's supposed to represent. And yet, why do I have the feeling her next project is going to be a scathing satire about the evil inner workings of Hollywood?

Oh but that's just sour grapes on my part, don'tcha think? A toast to you, Deb Hagan. Looks like this is the beginning of a long, beautiful directing career, kid.

College official web site
Pee Shy official web site

p.s. In a recent documentary about Animal House, College was included in a long list of Animal House clones. Between that and the ad campaign, you can't BUY that kind of publicity... can you?

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That kinda sh ... stuff. Gotta keep up on the cutting edge of Spam. And this hour it's phony order confirmations! I actually fell for it. And by 'fell for it' I mean opened the email. Fortunately, it wasn't one of those emails that erases your hard drive just by opening the damn thing. God, I hate those. I mean, I know we have to support the hacker arts and all, but man! When does it all go too far? Is nothing sacred? Anyway, the biz at hand. Welp, as we can see the box office is settling into a nice, easily digestible chunk of pretty much the same movies slowly working their way down the box office esophagus vis-à-vis the peristalsis of attrition. Something like that; my head's been in the class clouds lately, for those of you who know me and or live with me. But the phenom is there; seems like only yesterday I was writing about Mamma Mia and Journey to the Center of the Earth and Hancock and Wall-E. Lately they've been closer to me than my closest relatives. Swing Vote? Is that still there? Ick. You're tracking failure all over my new carpet.

But the really big story this week, and even though I haven't been watching the ReelzChannel as slavishly as I once did I KNOW it was the top story on there... where was I? Oh yeah. It was: Batman or the Stoner movie: which will win? Well, as we can plainly see, they BOTH win! Why fight about it? Why quibble? They're both winners, it's just that Batman's more of a winner. In several ways. For one, TDK, in addition to crossing the 400 million dollar mark, is already entering that sacred territory that only our most cherished films enter into, like Forrest Gump, or Titanic. And that is, the Realm of Complaints. Oh, the woman in Titanic was a liar! Oh, F. Gum is a Republican paean / screed. You know what I mean; Drillbit Taylor is so derivative. Those kinds of things. You tend to hear them all the time. With TDK it's that some quarters think Batman is like Dubya, getting the bad guys by temporarily suspending habeas corpus, but putting it right back again. Only I think Dubya fires the people who question him. They don't just threaten to tender their final resignation. No, that's not enough. The other one is that Batman's voice is too deep. Oh, but these are merely the belated growing pains of satisfied customers. I think Michael Keaton's Batman voice was much deeper. Or maybe Clooney's, I don't know. The point is, it's his thing, and who are you to question the Bat anyway.

Oh dear, it's slipped to #3 in The IMDb Top 250. That's what you get for challenging the hegemony of The Shawshank Proxy. You too, Godfather 1. Happy now? Toking in at a close second, it's Pineapple Express. Couldn't they wait to release it on 4/20? Or get it done and edited faster so it wouldn't be almost 4 months late? Man, I'm so baked. Yeah, that visage of a baked Seth Rogaine is going up there in the Movie Hall of Infamy right next to Cheech 'n Chong and the smiley face of Dazed and Confused fame. It's the greatest movie ever. NORML will have the last laugh one of these days when weed is finally decriminalized. But remember, kids! Joints cause lung cancer too!

So what's left? Nothin' but a bunch of sequels. We got Mummy 3, and STP2, and I'm sorry. The poster for the first one was much sexier. I know that makes me a perv, but it's the truth. And without Kwapis returning to the director's chair for the deuce, it's just not the same. I know his music videos weren't as good, but I don't care. I'm a mule on this one: resolute and unyielding. And Step Brothers, I know. You're saying to yourself, but, Movie Hooligan! You said we got just sequels left! Step Brothers is not a sequel! Well, in my book, it completes the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell trilogy.

Okay, not the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly trilogy, but that's coming soon enough. Tie a knot in it. And I think that's about all the damage I can do for now. Over and out. And as always, remember: abstinence is abortion. Parents: have your teenagers spayed AND neutered, just to be safe.

Do I smell? ... potatoes and eggs? God, these hyperlinks are a pain in the a

Auteur Watch - Todd Solondz

Oh look at me! Not entering in the text like I used to. Pre-digesting blog entries, so sad. No good excuse for it.

Anyway, I've been neglecting this feature of mine for a while now, the Auteur Watch, but I'm all ripped and rarin' to go. Now, I was going to tear K. Smith a new one for Zack and Miri make a you-know-what, but to me that's old news. It'll bomb soon enough as it is, and so, like Weird Al moving on from the same old Michael Jackson parodies, it is time to wander into the Auteur forest for a virtual 40 years, because lemme tell ya, it's a big forest, folks. Trust me. Lotta hungry people out there waiting to direct their next film. Take Todd Solondz, for example. Now, in looking back on his career, I think we can all agree that his favourite decade would have to be the go-go 90s, quite a time for films like his. He was at the apex of critical and audience buzz with Welcome to the Dollhouse, and these were in the days when Sundance was the only indie film festival, so you HAD to be good. Yes, no longer a player in bit parts such as the Zany Reporter in Married to the Mob, he was now in the big ol' director's chair on the giant lift that goes up and down WHEN HE SAYS SO. With all this cinematic political capital saved up, his next flick was Happiness (1998), and he took the opposite approach to Baseketball with this one, saying HIMSELF in an interview that well, you can just choose not to see it if you want, instead of saying that if you don't get the joke, you're just a humorless right-wing Christian. I applaud him with one hand clapping for that. But he weathered the storm, and big-time indie producer James Schamus and his company called Good Machine stood by Mr. Solondz until his next feature in 2001, Storytelling. Shorter, wiser, but no less controversial, I guess. Nuff said.

And in keeping with his new-found 3 year gestation period he managed to crank out his 2004 masterpiece, Palindromes. Some of the critics loved it, others not, while more importantly, others like those wise-asses over at the Onion were noticing the trend and slapping on dirty labels like ... oh, I don't know, things like "Oh, here we go again with another Todd Solondz picture, full of his unique brand of awkwardness and awfulness." Those kinds of things that you don't want people to think about. And yet, everyone goes gaga for I'm Not There. What an unfair universe we live in. And so, he missed his next 3 year mark with no film in 2007, and nothing scheduled in the near future! You're not Martin Brest here, fella! Or Terrence Malick. Gotta keep busy now.

And from there it just gets worse. Apparently he used his own money to finance Palindromes, and it's always a bad sign when it says on the internet that your "life savings" was used to do it. Well, we can't all be Jennifer Fox over here. So what does the future hold for provocateur extraordinaire Todd Solondz? Well, he did get a mention in an Onion article about the top 20 director provocateurs, so maybe someone will jump to his financial aid, and he can do a follow-up to Storytelling. I suggest calling it something like "Redemption" or "Back from the Brink". Meantime, guess you'd better have a pint with some of the others trapped in Auteur Purgatory, like Bill Forsyth and Pat O'Connor and Martin Brest and Whit Stillman ... oh, wait, not Whit Stillman. He just jumped on that Christopher Buclkey Gravy Train. Good for you, Yuppie Trilogy Sellout!

Swing Vote, Sweet Chariot...

Welp, I was planning on finding a nice still of... which one? Something from a Rob Cohen flick in honor of his just barely making #1 helming something that isn't his own franchise to be, but I figured, what the hell. Time to put my new fangled statistical knowledge to use. Please note the handy bar charts to the right. As you can see, figure 1 is this week's totals of our ever loving Top 10, and figure 2 is how much they made.
Notice how neck and neck Batman Begins 2 and The Mummy 3 are at #1 and #2 respectively, well into the 40 million dollar range. But then, there's this huge drop off! And we drop down to Step Brothers at #3 with a paltry 16.3 million in the bank this week. But it's all good, because they can still run the "#1 comedy in America" ads on TV. A bit disingenuous for my taste; to me, The Mummy 3 is the #1 comedy this week, but you gotta give it to Will Ferrell. At least Step Brothers isn't biting the big one like Semi-Pro did.
As for the rest of Figure 1, well, it gently slopes downward as we see how the rest of the films in the Top 10 scraped up all the box office crumbs. All those families who already saw Wall-E going to Space Chimps. No, the only really impressive showing is Journey to the Center of the Earth which, by God, is clinging to the center of the Top 10 with all its fingernails and toenails. Eric Brevig, your directing career ain't over, buddy! And I have a feeling Brendan Fraser's going to get top dollar for his next feature, whatever it may be. Maybe a Roger Ramjet movie. We're way overdue for that one.
---
Checking out Figure 2 all too briefly, we see that of course The Dark Knight kicks ass in both categories. You know, the Wall Street Journal reports that TimeWarner is expecting to make 800 million dollars off the latest escapades of the Caped Crusader. Well, you're halfway there, guys! And for those of you who're rabid fans of Iron Man, I'm sure Variety will give you the full scoop because it's probably still in the Top 50.
...oh, according to IMDb it's in the 300 range with Indiana Jones, so never mind. Our fledglings at #7 and #8 are just barely leaving the nest just over the 200 million dollar hump. But any way you slice it or dice it, Swing Vote is performing poorly. In fact, you might use the word ... PATHETIC!!!!! But in all seriousness let me just say this about Swing Vote. Frasier is so good in it, I thought he was Fred Thompson for a second there. I'd go see Swing Vote, but Dane Cook doesn't have a role in it. I mean, what gives, Costner? He was in Mr. Brooks with you, right? It's not like Dane was busy or anything! You could of given him the part of the Democratic challenger! Wouldn't have that been fitting somehow, dontcha think?

Short Reviews - July 2008

Okay, Wilonsky! It's go time, you bald bastard.

While we're waiting for the release of Final Fantasy LXXIV on Playstation 3, I'm going through my old papers, you know, and I had this written down on a piece of paper from, geez, about 17 years ago? I'm not going to go so far as to carbon date it, but I think even the average movie goer can figure out what this is a list of.

Fruit cart!
Scare, relaxes, then attack
Dumb Parents
Killer's gotta talk first
Hidden Product Placement
Hero falls before winning
Check the Back Seat!
Disrupted continuity

And the list goes on... Time for short reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 41 days to go...

Bell Jar, The (2008) - the REAL Devil Wears prada.

The Beast (of War) - Erick Avari's one serious dramatic role. Take heed, Badreya!

Lost Boys: The Tribe - All right! Frog and Emerson are back, baby!

From Ten to Midnight - Sounds like it makes The Evil that Men Do look like a classic.

Atlas Shrugged - Somehow I think Alisa Rosenbaum... I mean, Ayn Rand fans will be disappointed with this subjective, noumenal version.

Christmas with the Kranks - I can't bear to watch the whole thing, but this much I know: when Tim Allen is the lonely, alienated guy looking in the house window at the party going on, something's wrong. Something's definitely very wrong. With all of us.

Fearless Frank - Well, we all gotta start somewhere.

Mamma Mia! the movie - Well, I guess it's better than another one of those post-Animal House so-called National Lampoon films with Paris Hilton, but not by much.

Space Chimps - Well, if you have a movie about chimps these days, they gotta fling some poo. They just gotta. The ever-decreasing national pool of word-association memes dictates it. Even if they only open the freeze-dried pack of chocolate pudding and very tastefully fling poo by proxy, there's still gotta be some flung poo. Even the kids are expecting that.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Something like that. Hey, Woody's a busy guy! He doesn't have time to remember all these stupid titles. Incidentally, Woody, you said you'd do a Seattle movie someday. You said! It's in print! You said you would! Work 'Starbucks' into the title, will ya?

Meet Dave - It's been prejudged as hell for me, even more so than Vampire in Brooklyn, but I dunno. It still looks kinda funny, call me crazy. ...Too late, it's already out on DVD. Is Charlie Murphy back out of the biz yet?

Mystery Date - Licence to Drive II

And speaking of the ever fetching Teri Polo...
Passed Away - Every Catholic family's dream. Or nightmare, either way.

Labor Pains - It's post-Disney Lindsay Lohan, so I know I don't want to see it. Unless, of course, Tina Fey's in it. I hear the movie's based on something Lindsay actually tried once! Kewl!

G.I. Joe - Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand... hey, wait a minute! Where's Joe?

Terra - Wait til they get a load of Wall-E!...

Swing Vote - Kevin Costner's Man of the Year.

My Best Friend's Girl - Sounds good, but I'm waiting for the sequel My Best Friend's Girl 2: Here She Comes Again. Sorry, Tank!

Bangkok Dangerous - Oh, Stanley Goodspeed. When did you get to be so bad? Was it the money?

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