Thursday, October 01, 2009

Short Reviews - September 2009

Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry present... Oscar bait!
Well, we lost Patrick Swayze this month. In related news, Indiana Jones 5 secrets are being leaked already! Apparently, Harrison Ford wants everyone to know that he'll only do it if the script is right. Hey, tell us something we don't know! Unless 'script' is code for 'paycheck.' Oh, snap!

Sam Kinison - I hate to say it, but he started off as a minister from the Midwest, and you can still see some of that sweet young boy who rebelled against the church in him. There are pretenders to his throne, mere pretenders. I dare say Greg Behrendt is the polar opposite, for example. And for some reason, Denis Leary also comes to mind. Oh, sure, Denis is funny, but Kinison was just naturally, effortlessly funny. Those are the kinds I tend to prefer. Also, there are these fake George Carlin jokes, the most egregious of which are about Hurricane Katrina, and one where Carlin supposedly says he wants his tax dollars back. All the comedians I've ever liked never complained in such a way about their tax dollars. They just know that taxes are like youth; they just ain't coming back.

Big Fan - As David Spade would say, I liked it the first time... when it was called Celtic Pride! Anyway, here's the plot: crazed sports fan Patton Oswalt follows his favourite team member to a local strip club. Now, I hate to do it, but I'm going to have to side with Maxim magazine on this one: if there's one thing you never do, you NEVER bother celebrities at a strip club. Whatever transpires, you get exactly what you deserve... even if it means death.

Flash Forward - Oh, Harold. You used to be hip.

Mission Impossible 2 - I'm sorry, that's M:I-2... is this still everyone's favorite? I'm starting to wonder. That motorcycle jousting is too much for me now.

Wild Wild West - After ten years, and Kevin Kline and Will Smith still seem like two magnets at the same poles forced to stay together and... was that Smith's willie? Good Lord! I dare say it's the whole package!! Avert your eyes, children, all who see it on HBO Family.

Whiteout - Rehash of Carpenter's The Thing... but they probably watched that film, studied it, and figured out how to remake it totally different. I'll give 'em that. And besides! Kate Beckinsale!

Blue Thunder - I know what's wrong with this movie... they violate a sacrosanct movie name law! The main guy, Roy Scheider, should be named Jack, not Frank.

Little Odessa - Hey! There's only ONE Little Odessa(1994)...

The White Countess - Racist

Tales from the Crapper - Also known as Lloyd Kaufman's body of work... oh, snap!

Jennifer's Body - Just remember: if you didn't like it, that wasn't Diablo Cody's fault!

Surrogates - Other than that blonde wig, Brucey ol' boy?!! Oh, double snap!

Jennifer's Body - Roger Ebert writes: "Diablo Cody's next screenplay after “Juno” is a 180-degree reversal, with the heroine now transformed into a fiend who eats the flesh of teenage boys." Oh, I suppose it's a reversal... or is it?

Zombieland - Shaun of the Dead for rednecks?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead - Somehow I had the feeling Tom Stoppard didn't have a hand in this...

The Marc Pease Experience - Oh, you mean like I.P. Freely?

Up In The Air - Oh, Clooney! I KNOW you did this one for the check.

Enemies: A Love Story - The original?

Wristcutters: A Love Story - Ah, how Gen X, or Gen Y.

A Pyromaniac's Love Story - I haven't even seen it, and I want my seven dollars back!

Death: A Love Story - Ah, how Gen Z.

Brainsmasher: A Love Story - Oh, I've heard that's actually pretty good!

Barbecue: A Texas Love Story - Sounds about right.

Malcolm and Barbara: A Love Story

Hostage: A Love Story - The opposite of Kansas City, that's for sure.

Grapes: A Love Story - Sounds nutty.

Lunatics: A Love Story - THAT'S the one I was looking for! The one with Ted Raimi!

Now, I KNOW I'm forgetting one...

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