Short Reviews - July 2009

There was one movie that actually looked good, that I might want to see, but now I can't remember. Something other than Brüno. DEFINITELY NOT The Goods. (Sorry, Brennan, it's true. To be fair, I felt the same way about Let's Go To Prison.) Frankly, there's been a glut of movie trailers crowding out valuable TV ad space lately! I haven't seen anything like it in quite a while. The economy must be doing well again, especially with all this 'Stupidly' merchandise... hey, sometimes you just gotta make that lemonade to keep the economy going. It's the economy, Stupidly. (Hmm! Maybe I can use that over at Huffington Post and be hailed as a god for 30 seconds!... nah, too late. Besides, it attracts all the wrong people.)
Well, what a depressing end to a lousy month. On the other hand, nothing ever happens in August. I've seen too many of these A&E Biographies in a row, I'm afraid. De Niro, Pacino, Sean Penn, David Letterman. So many popular, famous, beloved celebrities entering their emeritus years with their charities. When is it Tom Green's turn? Anyway, drink plenty of water and other fluids. A couple more days of this heat wave, and some of us will be in the clear.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - So what?

Arthur - I'm trying to come up with the next "If you like Gina Kolata and getting caught in the rain..." Oh, I got a million of 'em, I tells ya. "He's the one they call Johnny Gielgud, he's the one whose acting is all right..."
...okay, I lied. That's the only one I got. Oh my God! He did the SEQUEL! What a faithful butler.

Funny People - I'm a little more intrigued,... but I still don't see 'Blockbuster' written ALL over it.

Danny Deckchair - What, you think you're better than Up?

"Parks and Recreation" - Has it been cancelled yet?

The Great Outdoors - The million dollar question: How does Annette Bening go from this to, say, Valmont? Or even The Grifters? Or as the new Columbia logo? I think we all know the answer to that one... TALENT, baby!

Swept Away(2002) - Castaway with Madonna.

Love and Death - Woody Allen's Barry Lyndon.

My Sister's Keeper - Jane Q?

Gooby - A combination of Goofy and Gumby?

Taking a Chance on Love: The Note II - Saw this while I was waiting in line at the store... oh, Ted McGinley. How far you've fallen. You used to be cool once, right? You were Stan Gable, for God's sake! You were Jefferson D'Arcy even! Oh, there are some who still remember...

Simon Says (2005-6) - For Crispin Glover, it's Friday the 13th Part IV - Part II. But this time, HE gets to be the Jason Voorhees! ...right? Ah, who cares. Close enough.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) - Direct-to-video sequel... how depressing. Willie Nelson was the only one to come back for it!

City Heat - What, not good enough for Blake to direct himself?

"Bite Me with Dr. Mike" - Aw, that's nothin'. This guy doesn't even let himself get bit by a bucketful of piranhas. Why, Steve-O got bitten by a shark and let it hang on for, like, a minute!... okay, a baby shark, but still.

Lassie(2005) - Really? Peter O'Toole in Lassie?

A Perfect Getaway - Another reality show on the big screen.

The Believer - It's either Henry Bean's The Klansman, or Henry Bean's Shock Corridor.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - Nope. Still don't care. If even David Wain doesn't want anything to do with this, how good could it be? Incidentally, how come so many shows on Comedy Central just aren't that funny?

Tosh.0 - Oh, this Tosh.0 kid's got fire in the belly. If he's smart, he'll find a little better vehicle and soon. Even Root of All Evil came to a premature end. On the other hand, how does Jeff Dunham make 30 million dollars in one year? It's just not right.

Funny People - It better be funny!

Julia - Second Oscar for Swilda?

The Turning Point - This got 11 Oscar nominations?

F.I.S.T. - S.U.C.K.S.

Mr. Brooks - The best thing to happen to Portland since The Temp.

(The) Orphan - Coolest kid ever.

"30 Rock" - Your story has become tiresome.

Cycle Psycho - I don't get it! No one from The Onion's reviewed this yet?

Copycat - Not much of a movie, but MAN, does it look great in HD!

Peter Ibbetson - Great title. I THOUGHT I remembered this one! Never saw it, mind you...

MacGruber: The Motion Picture? What, is it going to be 15 seconds just like the skits?

I Love You, Beth Cooper - I'm conflicted. Everyone reviewing this hates it, but Larry Doyle's an ex-Simpsons writer. And you gotta like Paul Rudd! He's... he's not in it? Oh, I'm sorry. His name is Paul Rust... who's Paul Rust? Well, to be fair, there were a lot of 27-year olds where I went to high school, too. As for Chris Columbus, well, why bother pretending you know what normal high schoolers are going through? Go back to your Bicentennial Men and your Harry Potters where you originally painted yourself into a corner.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - That's more like it! :)

It Was a Dark and Silly Night - I don't know why, but I don't like Neil Gaiman. And I know I should, and I haven't read anything of his, so really, I shouldn't feel that way at all. Still...

Hot Tub Time Machine - See, this is exactly why, of the seven major studios, MGM is the omega studio. There's Paramount, Universal, Warner Bros., Disney, 20th Century Fox, Columbia, and MGM. I don't know who places sixth lately. But if MGM didn't have the Bond franchise, it'd have nothing. And even with Bond it teams up with Columbia and others. Why, Warners bought up Strange Brew, Gymkata, and a whole slew of its 80s catalogue. I'm tellin' ya, they're on their last legs! They're FINISHED!

Leprechaun - Some of Jennifer Aniston's best work.

Noise - Henry Bean's Saps at Sea.

The Room(2003) - Everyone's a critic...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - Wow! That was fast. Someone's done a documentary on that nice Hispanic lady who's going to be Obama's first Supreme Court Justice... oh, wait. Not her. That's Sonia S. I mean, ...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - From the genius who brought you the partisan Path to 9/11, comes The Passion of the Persian. But at least it's based on a true book. And who knows? He might never be welcome in Iran ever again, but it's a small price to pay to bring them into the 21st Century.

Amos & Andrew - Suddenly this is relevant again. I can't remember why...

Julie & Julia - Let me take a wild guess... Julie Powell's a pseudonym for ... Rachael Ray?

Year One and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - Boy! Talk about two mules from Michael Cera!

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - I hate to cast aspersions. I know it's critically acclaimed and all, and I know Schnabel's a multi-faceted genius but ... the editor of Elle? Puh-leeze. What next? The editor of Cat Fancy magazine is bedridden with a terminal hairball? The publisher of Motocross magazine was in a freak dune buggy accident and has to have a muffler removed from his rectum? Mel Gibson makes The Passion of the Paparazzi, where a reporter for a movie version of OK! Magazine gets a Gypsy curse placed on them and they start losing weight and the only way they can lift it is by giving someone a cursed slice of Black Forest Cherry cake? Oh wait... hasn't that been done already?

What the heck, let's end on that one. 'night, Mother.

Auteur Watch - Conal O'Brien

Ah, close enough. Doesn't she look like she could be Conan O'Brien's sister?
Anyway, back to the auteur at hand. Nice try, Conal, but we ain't buyin' it. There's riding coattails, and then there's riding coattails. Conal first popped onto my radar screen when I was watching my stories at the gym. I didn't know Conan was directing soaps on the side to pay the bills! So I had to investigate right away. Turns out it's a different guy, and this dude's resumé is so small that the Decade Theory just can't be applied using the information we got! But the main thing is, he and we got All My Children. I'm just glad Erica Kane finally got that award she wanted so we could all stop caring about it. I'd like to think Conal had something to do with that.
As it turns out, Mr. O'Brien hasn't been completely loyal. With two stints directing for As The World Turns, he's obviously a turncoat who can't be trusted with show secrets. And he did have a stab at the silver screen with 1993's The Secret, not based on the best-selling book with the same name.
Why, even Jack Canfield thinks O'Brien's film is a piece of crap! Oh, it's too sad to contemplate. So let's all raise a glass to Dr. Conal O'Brien, our Auteur of the Week. And may you get to Heaven well before any of the soap opera stars you've directed... that might not be technically feasible. Just don't use them as references with the Almighty, that's all I'm saying.

Conal O'Brien at Wikipedia

It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long. And it's not a steroid.

It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long. And it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid...
Damn! I hate when that happens. Happens every time I watch CNN with the Mute on during the commercials. But let us leave behind the world of news, as we turn to the only news worth reading about: what happened at the U.S. Box Office this weekend. Or should I say... squeek-end? Never mind. And good ol' Disney, once again they prove that with about 40 million in TV advertising, they can still sell a PG movie to America's youth, as their latest, G-Force, hits the... G-spot? Sorry, I just wanted to try and beat the hipsters over at The Onion or The Village Voice to the proverbial punch. Go, Team Wibberley! And Team Elliot/Rossio and Firth/Yeatman. Dang! That's a lot of screenwriters to split the spoils of war, guys. Well, the Wibberleys are still on probation, I suppose. I'll try to check it out for you, Davy Jones. No, really, they wanted you for the part. Besides, Bruce Greenwood was unavailable, busy working on Racing Stripes 2.
Meanwhile, Harry Parter Pot 6 keeps chugging along at #2... I mean, casting its spell over an enthralled audience... worldwide in addition to the U.S., I would imagine! Let me try to stir up some arbitrage here... why, I think it's doing even better than Transformers! Making money wand over fist just about as quickly, but with more critical acclaim and less headache-inducing editing. Not that Transformers won't sweep the Oscars for editing and sound effects, of course. No one's questioning that. But all the mathematical modeling seems to suggest that Potter's going to last longer and claim more money than Tr2. I'm just saying... I'm just throwing that out there.
On the other hand, they don't have Megan Fox. Or Katherine Heigl at #3 with the latest shot fired in the Battle of the Sexes. And The Ugly Truth is finally released amidst thunderous applause. I thought July 24th would never come! Some are already saying this is the best homage to When Harry Met Sally of the season yet. Well, I hope you're happy, all of you out there drawing that comparison. You've made Gloria Steinem cry! Happy now? Can't you differentiate between two movies anymore? Clearly we've gone from the smart, erudite woman interrupting proceedings at a diner because she CHOSE to, to prove an intellectual point... to what is clearly a scene of date rape. And GANG date rape at that. And you all stood by and let it happen, throwing each other puzzled looks out of shame. Oh, what sad, barbaric, unenlightened times we live in. It makes me sad to be a blogger in this day and age.
--
Damn it, man. Pull yourself together, Movie Hooligan. Think... Next on the list at #4 is Orphan, or the latest horror flick from what SHOULD have been The Big Five. What happened, guys? I thought you were a team! Well, Donner's been busy with the X-Men series, and just generally enjoying his emeritus years before Mel Gibson ruins them completely. And Zemeckis, well, he's still descending into (the mouth of) Mo-Cap Madness; it's a bottomless pit, I tells ya! Come back to us, Bob! Walter Hill seems to be in a neck-and-neck race with John Milius to see whose career can end the soonest. HBO, you gotta stop coddling these guys with all these so-called TV shows! Stop the insanity. And finally, David Giler, well, the Alien gravy train pulled into the station a long, long time ago. Could it be time for a Myra Breckinridge reboot? Ask Vidal. And try to get a good director this time, maybe an Antoine Fuqua or a Quentin Tarantino. Get Rosario Dawson to play the lead this time! See? It writes itself!
--
No, the only one of the Big Five still remaining is Mr. Matrix himself, Joel Silver. A little older, a little wiser, a little less cocky, clinging to that dream with the last of fingernails. I see that Leonardo DiCaprio is a producer on this as well... oh, I get it now. The orphan girl's supposed to be Gisele Bundchen, right? tee hee hee...
And finally, rounding out the Top 5 is the latest installment of Ice Age. Oh, please. We truly are living in that era when every fifteen year old kid with a laptop can create the next Lawrence of Arabia. Or so we wish. Meantime, we're stuck with things like Ice Age 3. And poor Denis Leary, forced to tone down his act because of all the underage fans of Ice Age. Take a page from Patton Oswalt: make it an opportunity for fake maturation like he did with Ratatouille.
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As for the rest, well, it's just too damn depressing to contemplate. Bruno's bombing far too quickly for my taste. Borat was clearly more beloved by audience member and studio exec alike. Public Enemies has just about paid off the cost of the digital video tape used to store it, and The Hangover's just getting greedy now. And director Todd Phillips may be biting off more than even Steven Soderbergh could chew. ELEVEN in-development credits? You know, some of them may be fighting against each other at the box office soon enough. It's only a few tall trees that get all the sunshine in that forest, if I may use an awkward metaphor from my new-fangled education! ¶ Is it just me, or does Sandra Bullock look like an action figure? She's got Michael Jackson's last good nose, for one. And her business suit in The Proposal is certainly Barbie-worthy. I only mention it because all the toys you grew up with are getting their cinematic due. Transformers now, and the upcoming G.I. Joe a little later. What next? Lincoln Logs: The Motion Picture? Michael Bay's Hot Wheels? (2013) Maybe Disney could make a movie out of Hungry Hungry Hippos. That'd be good. Or Jenga. Personally, I'd like to see a revival of Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw. But that's just me. I better go...

Auteur Watch - Chris Noonan

Lucky bastid. Well, at least this shouldn't take long. No, this is not the What Happened Was... guy. This is that super guy who directed Babe, the gallant pig movie! Remember Babe? That improvised part where Babe sings? The "I want my mom" line? (sniffles, wipes away tear) Like Homer said when he watched Barney Gumble's movie, the Award winning but unfortunately titled 'Puke-a-hontas,' "Wow. I'll never have another beer again." "Beer here!" "I'll take twelve." ...Damn! I knew I'd get that wrong. Ten, not twelve.
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So! Let's use the old reliable Decade Theory here. What's Chris Noonan's favourite decade of his career? Is it the go-go 70s? Disco balls, multi-colored afro wigs and platform shoes everywhere? Some of the best and worst music ever produced in a recording studio came out of that decade. Chris was a relatively young guy, doing the occasional odd job, not really caring if his career went anywhere. But then the 80s rolled on in, and it's all yuppie this and Me Decade that. The greatest period of his life. Look at all those credits! The Cowra Breakout, Stepping Out, and a miniseries about Vietnam. Why, he was working hard and losing hair the full decade.
--
But of course, his favorite decade of all must be the nineties. Babe became an international sensation, and best of all, it really ground that Gordy into the rug like so many cigarette butts. But that's about it for the whole nineties! WTF? Who does this guy think he is? Terrence Malick? Stanley Kubrick? Guercio?

But just when he thought he was out of that awful Hollywood machine that leaves many an artist wiping the grease off of themselves for years and years... THEY PULL HIM BACK IN. And crank out another film he does: Miss Potter. Nice try, wise guy. What's that? Harry Potter? I'm so there. But then, the rug gets pulled out from under us and we've gotta be held hostage by Zellweger again for 92 minutes. Why, I bet she didn't even use a British accent! (whew... got that right. Those five years of Comp. Lit. class keep paying off in spades!) Shame on the casting agents. Beatrix Potter... judging from her portrait on Wikipedia she should be portrayed by more of a Courteney Cox, or maybe Clea DuVall. Or the female equivalent of a brunette Ryan Gosling. YKWIM?

But all is not lost, and Noonan's back on the treadmill. He's urping out another film in 2009 called The Third Witch... Nice try, wise guy. Cashing in on the whole wizard and witch trend started by Harry Potter, eh? ...oops! It's actually not a Harry Potter-esque thingie, but rather a retelling of MacBeth... close enough for me. Gotta go.

What if they gave a Harry Potter film and nobody came?

...er, close enough. Couldn't find my copy of Order of the Phoenix. Well, I guess the answer is that it's not going to happen, so no need to ponder on it. We're already past the midpoint of the series where it looked like that very thing WAS going to happen, but now that we're near the end and all... But first, a brief word about Steve Kloves. He's either got the most plum, coveted screenwriting assignment of all Hollywood, or the most boring one in all Hollywood. J.K.'s doing all the work, not him! But since history is written by the winners, I think we're overdue for a Fabulous Baker Boys remake. Now I hate to play Casting Agent here, but we've either got to go with the Broken Lizard guys or The Whitest Kids U Know to star as the new Baker Boys, and get Megan Fox to play the Michelle Pfeiffer role, and get Michelle to play the character's mother. Have her say "Don't make the same mistakes I did." Oscar time. Or if not Megan Fox, maybe someone from American Idol. See? It writes itself!
Anyway, at #1, it's the latest chapter in the HArry Potter saga, and clearly there's no need for a recount this time, because it's one even Transformers clearly wouldn't win. Maybe Bay can buy 4 million tickets and switch places with Ice Age... nah, not in this economy. Maybe two years ago, but not today. But back to Harry Potter. Yes, H.P. reigns supreme once again with the latest, the greatest, most mature and dramatic entry in the long running series. Hmm! Makes those first two look like a coupla piles of puke! And speaking of piles of puke, I Love You Beth Cooper just barely hangs in there at #10, thereby avoiding my year-end wrap-up of films that only managed to hang on for one week on the Top 10. Oh, thank God! I know how humiliating that can be for some. But that's how it works. At least they're paying attention this time, Chris! I probably mentioned this already, but Chris Columbus puts his ass on the line and directs the big-screen adaptation of Rent... really? There's a movie version of it? YES, THERE IS! I've heard it's good; I meant to see it, but I've been really busy lately. And what good were the critics then? They thought it was great, and it does nothing at the box office. Same with Beth Cooper, but hey! At least you got peoples' attention this time! And, as near as I can tell from the trailers, it's the best advertisement for the Hummer yet. C'mon, all you drunk drivers! Commandeer your friend's Hummer today! Let's get something started here!
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Well, that's it for debuts this week. Ice Age 3 at #2, boring. Oh, let's see what creature gets thawed out this time and just BARELY eats John Leguizamo. I keep hoping they make it. Transformers 2 at #3... Hmm! I like the numerics of that! Unfortunately, even so close to 400 million in the bank, it's STILL not going to make a profit until 2027. Bruno slips from #1 to #4. Ouch! Clearly Borat was more palatable to the American audience; #1 for the first two weeks. Also there were more shows to go on at that time: SNL and The Daily Show being the two main ones.
And FINALLY, The Hangover overtakes The Proposal for once! Hangover at 5, Proposal falls to 6. But Sandra should still be happy nonetheless. Can you say green light for Miss Congeniality 3?
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Public Enemies at #7: more symmetry. It made $7.59 million for a total of 79.5 million in the bank. Next time, Mann, spring for regular film! That digital video's a little streaky for my taste. Did I mention that already? It's still apt. Why not get the kind George Lucas used? That looks pretty good. Of course, with global eyestrain kicking in, who'll be able to tell the difference anyway in the next couple years or so?
Up slips to #8, but finally! They've revealed the budget info. It cost 5 million less than Wall-E, clocking in at 175 million. Dayang is all I can say. But remember, all you Pixar hipsters. Someday you're going to be the old man riding down the stairway tram, forcing to comedically hit it when it comedically stops at that middle step. Oh sure, you won't need to collect Social Security checks (they're all millionaires, you know.) but you'll still be a bunch of old fogies hunched over Mac computers, just typing away. Writing your Pixar blogs.

And since we've already analyzed Beth Cooper at #10, let's end with My Sister's Keeper at #9. Funniest episode of 30 Rock yet. Better stick to the poker, Nick. And bite the big one, Emily Deschanel! Zooey's the Alpha Sister now! But I think you already know that. Yes, while you're stuck playing supporting roles way WAY down in the middle of the credits, Zooey's on to only the biggest and the best of the assignments. At one point in her career she was on her way to bigger and better things, but without a doubt she's way past that point. And lucky girl, I think even the pervs over at Maxim magazine put her on their influential lists! I hear she's going to be the new voice of Garfield in the next Garfield movie. Plot details, you ask? Who cares? The rest of the world's on board. I mean, SOMEBODY'S got to be watching these things!

Somewhere, Todd Solondz is not smiling...

Why not? Let's do a review for once. It's been a while, and I've got a few half hours to spare, so better put it to good use before I forget how. I can feel it happening. We've got quite a backlog on the ol' docket, so why not purge a couple here. I've got quite a few with that ol' angry busybody, Christian Bale. Okay, so he's not exactly turning the other cheek, especially in that American Psycho... wow! What a performance. Another American job lost to a foreigner. Anyway, I've got The Dark Knight, Harsh Times, and this yet to get to. Man! To boost his public image, I think it's time for Bale to do a nice innocuous comedy once again. Something with a nice title like The Happiest Man in the World or It Feels So Great To Be Alive. You know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, back to the movie at hand. I mention Todd Solondz because apparently his Palindromes had a similar conceit. But I guess that's just too damn bad, because he didn't get something practical that he could've really used: the blessing of someone like, say, Steven Soderbergh. Sorry, Spike and David, but you know it's true. Yes, in case you have no sense of metaphor, I'm Not There is about the life of Bob Dylan, and his many public and private incarnations. Part Beatle, part Rolling Stone, part Marjoe Gortner, many MANY parts Woody Guthrie, part Traveling Wilbury, they're all pretty much here except for the Traveling Wilbury part. A living legend this ranging and diverse surely can't be portrayed by just one actor. Literally! And so it goes... there's just the six of 'em, I think. The man could write one hell of a lyric, I do give him that.
So at least one film in a long while bucks the ever-stronger superhero trend. But can it start the feature-length music video trend? Who knows. Now, my viewing companions openly complained about the film's long running time. And at two and a quarter hours, it is indeed Forrest Gump length and feels it. But I think I understand the filmmaking artistes of today. See, this is something the average viewer doesn't understand. All the hot hours, slaving over a hot Avid, cutting and pasting... does anybody besides Michael Kahn do it the old fashioned way any more? Some complained that the Richard Gere segment was superfluous... well, IS it? Is this what it's come to? Would we just snip years off a man's life, just because we found them distasteful or incongruous? Besides, how else is Bruce Greenwood supposed to not come off like a total prick? Actually, I guess Garrett was worse. And the reporter has his conversion on the Road to Damascus, so to speak. But I confess I did like that smirk he gave when revealing Bob's real name, heh heh. Yeah, Bruce Greenwood's all right. I liked him ever since Thick as Thieves and Thirteen Days. I know Double Jeopardy wasn't your fault, buddy; incidentally, that is a very informative movie. Be sure to watch it the next time you've got to get your car off a ferry in a big hurry. ¶ Incidentally, that part with the young black kid riding on the train... does O Brother Where Art Thou? ring a bell? Hel-looo? ...was I the only one? Okay, skip it.
I don't know what else to say. Cate Blanchett was good, of course. I guess she was Oscar good, I don't know. I'm certainly no expert on these things. Maybe people thought she did her own singing. I sure did! I just hope her blood feud with Tilda Swinton comes to a close at some point. Ultimately, it's not my cup of tea, but I'm not sorry I saw I'm Not There. It makes a fine addition to Bob Dylan's legacy. Now, that Victoria's Secret ad ... WTF, dude? As for director Todd Haynes, well, I'm assuming at this point he can write his own ticket. I know it's tempting, but Todd, PLEASE try not to do a feature-length version of Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story... unless you can bring it in under budget, of course.

***

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Desmond Nakano

Oh, I hoped beyond hope that this one might be easy. Not quite. Well, we might as well get the Decade Theory part of it over with. Clearly, looking at Mr. Nakano's resumé, it is the 80s that must be his favourite decade. Okay, so he wasn't directing then, but he had his screenplay career ahead of him. He was hip, he was now, he was translating the beat of the street onto the silver screen of the campy 80s. Breakdancing! A pre-Die Hard Die Hard clone! And an Indie Title fave: Last Exit to Brooklyn. Well, you know how it is. The Accused is critically acclaimed, too, but I ain't goin' back to watch it!
But it was exactly these kind of '80s credentials that led to his big break... when Comet Quentin streaked through Hollywood and gave it to him. That would be 1995's White Man's Burden. Yes, before M. Night Shyamalan came to town and started doing feature-length Twilight Zone episodes in his own right, we had White Man's Burden: the only film before or since, for some reason, that dared to ask the question in its own inimitable fashion: what if it was the white people who were treated like blacks? Travolta was riding high and feeling invincible. Why, the cleft in his chin seemed bigger back then. And he took on the role of Louis Pinnock. The role that would win him the Academy Award once and for all... or am I thinking of Mad City? I already lost track. And so did Nakano's career, for that matter. Why, work would be harder to come by for him than for even Whit Stillman. But 2007 would be the Year of the... Nakano, and he'd get back to his American roots with ... American Pastime. Yes, with Tony Kayden acting as his screenplay parole officer, he would fall back on that old surefire title trick of having the word American in the title. Yes, just like American Pie, American Beauty, American Splendor, Proud American, American Movie, American Graffiti, More American Graffiti, American Quiet, American Psycho, American Pop, American Perfekt and American Me before him, he would add his own chapter to the American story, and get back on that treadmill known as the Directorial Fast-Track... okay, maybe in 2010, who knows. The economy's a little tight right now.

The Stoning of Sonia S.

Awright! I'm up to 2% of my 1 gigabyte image limit. About time! So, Sonia Sotomayor's big test begins, but I'm sure she can handle those snot-nosed PUNKS on the Legislative Committee. 'Specially that Jeff Sessions... what is this, HuffPo? What's happening to me? It's B.O. time, baby! And what a stinker at #1! Anybody who's anybody is going to give our man in Amsterdam Brüno a good rating! The Onion gives him a qualified B-... something like that. And even though the IMDb's only given it 5 votes, it's already got a 9.4 out of 10! Why, that'd be like a 94% over at Rotten Tomatoes! And Red Mountain, well, the only thing he ever hated was the 2002 reboot of Rollerball... which I think he reversed opinion on after seeing things the producers' collective way. I may be wrong about that. But Alistair Graham's done it again. Another foreigner takes the greatest prize of all: #1 at the American box office. It's all downhill from here, frankly. Will he do it for a second week like Borat? Not without SNL's help he's not. And they're on hiatus! It's not too late to do the Daily Show / Colbert Report complex. They're back this week, and if you get Colbert to tell his people to make it #1 for a second week... well, if THEY can't pull it off, no one can. Not even Tyler Perry.
I must be missing a snarky comment or two... nope, can't think of anything. And I guess the Ali G movie's already been made. Unless you want to make... the American version? No? Think about it. I gotta keep it short this week, so I'll save my snarky comments for the other debut this week: I Love You, Alice B. Toking on a Brownie. No, that's not it. I love you, J.R.R. Tolkien and the Silmarillion... Damn it! My typing's been falling to pieces exponentially. Gotta write things on paper again, like in the olden days. No, it's the latest from 1492 Pictures' own Chris Columbus. And it's called, I Love You, Beth Cooper! (applause) Fox Atomic? Oh, please. How many subdivisions can Fox really nurture? Besides, I thought they did horror pics. Well, in a way... oh, no he di'int!
And with that in mind, let me turn my wrath NOT to the Home Alone director's latest, but rather... to all those HATERS out there who be raggin' on this movie! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Ebert and The Onion and the Two Bens, and all the other hipsters just jumping on the We Hate You, Beth Cooper bandwagon. Oh, the movie's too this. Oh, the movie's too that. The characters are too stereotypical. The actions are too... dumb. That may be true. But you just don't understand! This is about Chris Columbus reclaiming his lost childhood! While you and I were covering up the barf in our sandboxes, Chris was at his typewriter. Furiously typing out what would later become Gremlins! And Goonies! All those Great movies starting with 'G'. It's about a simpler time when bullies were bullies, and nerds were nerds, and never the twain shall meet. It's about Stephen King-level clarity. You know who's bad and who's good, and you can still get a good story out of it. Anyone remember Stand by Me? Well, what's that all of a sudden? Chopped liver? Can't all you jaded sophisticates out there suspend your disbelief for just one second? Didn't you ever pine for the girl in high school? Didn't you ever lust in your heart for something you just couldn't have? Or even, for something that even if you ever did get a hold of it, you still wouldn't know what to do with? Was not your high school experience as awkward and full of bumps as this? Was not everyone's? At the very least, DOES THIS FILM NOT TELL A STORY?
On the other hand, where does this fit in Columbus' legacy, as he put it in the The Directors special about him? Does this fall somewhere between Rent and Christmas at the Kranks... wait a second. He had something, ANYTHING AT ALL to do with CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS? As they so often say over at Mad Magazine, YEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!! I owe you an apology, Ebert, the Onion and the two Bens. You were all right. And correct, too.

Auteur Watch - George Miller(s)

When you get right down to it, it seems like there's a George Miller in every profession, really. There's one in politics. There was one in stand-up comedy. In the world of big time movie directors, though, there's two big ones. There's a third small one which we'll just skip completely. There's the first one who won an Oscar for a film about penguins, and there's the other one with titles under his belt such as The Man from Snowy River, Zeus and Roxanne, and Les Patterson Saves the World. And the Snowy River George Miller's worked twice as hard as the penguin George Miller lo these many years, and done television, too! For God's sake! So how unfair is that? One George Miller's been working his ass off longer and harder than just about anyone in this biz, and yet, some young punk kid ALSO named George Miller, he has one film called Mad Max, and suddenly HE'S the one to remember? What, doesn't the DGA have any cojones like the SAG? Couldn't they force one to change their name, or at least adopt a pretentious initial? Life's just unfair.
But that's how it works in the big leagues, folks. Sometimes it's better to be a little picky and choosy with your projects. For example, the Snowy River George Miller, he did a film with Steve Guttenberg. Bad career move. Seems to be the final straw that broke the silver screen's back. So, Snowy River George Miller: what's his favorite career decade? Is it the more innocent 1970s, when he was just starting out, lean and hungry, doing TV exclusively? Or was it the 80s when his star was on the rise, and in addition to all the TV work, there was some theatrical releases as well? Maybe it's the 90s, where the American theatrical releases were at their peak, and things looked like they would go on forever until... well, until the theatrical stuff started losing traction, and then it was back to TV exclusively. Why, he couldn't even sell Robinson Crusoe, for God's sake! How hard is that?
Ironically enough, both George Millers took a break in the 2000s to reflect on their career, and where to go from their respective stopping points. Now, the Mad Max George Miller... what could be his favorite decade? Surely it's the 70s. He was lean and hungry, and working with Mel Gibson before he went crazy. Work was slow, but hey. Some people start slow but end up taking the whole planet by storm. Or maybe it was the decadent 80s? They were surely decadent for him. It took him a while to escape the allure of Mad Max sequels, but the Spielbergian lessons clearly rubbed off by the more kid-friendly third installment. After the success of Witches of Eastwick, things began to slow down, and he took it easy during the 90s. He turned to producing, producing the megahit Babe. Confident from the success, he took it upon himself to do the sequel. Not received as well, unfortunately! Mainly because they switched voices. Rule number one: never switch pig voices in midstream. Dexter's Laboratory did a fine job, give her the bigger paycheck, you shmuck! Alas, it was too late, and he would never direct again...
...until 2006, that is! The surprise Oscar winner for best animated feature, Happy Feet! Beating out those bastards over at Pixar, the story of animated penguins couldn't have come at a better time. Apparently, he even directed the HBO special about it, he was feeling so good! He caught the Penguin wave just in time; Surf's Up just crashed and burned, dude.
--
So, what are the respective George Millers up to right now? Well, the lame one's doing something called Fiji. Hmm. Must be a James Michener thing. I'm too cheap to subscribe to IMDbPro, but trust me: it'll probably suck. And it'll probably be hard to find, too. As for the alpha one, it's sequels, sequels, sequels! Mad Max 4 is back on track... maybe they find a discarded jumbo jet this time and Rockatansky uses it as a decoy. Wouldn't that be something? Being chased down a lone backroad through the outback by a ragtag bunch of gas hooligans driving souped-up junk heaps? Now that's what I call hybrids! They blow out the tires of this jumbo jet with little tiny crossbows, find the tank's full of sand, drive off in disgust... He's also got Happy Feet 2 where the Dubya-esque penguin gets impeached. Miller's also entering Wolfgang Peterson-territory with Homer's The Odyssey with Brad Pitt. And who knows? Maybe Matt Damon and George Clooney will have show-stopping cameos as Scylla and Charibdes? I gotta go...

The mouths have it...

This is how bad my typing/spelling has gotten since I've been web exclusive for so long... could it be 'mouthes'? According to Google/Yahoo, 'mouthes' gets 284,000 hits. 'Mouths' gets 45 million, 500 thousand... so numberically, it must be right. Anyway, this is what I get for procrastinating, so let's get this week's Box Office report over with.
Well, no surprise to me: Transformers 2 wins the second recount. The first recount had it just barely beat out for first place by Ice Age 3, one of this week's debuts. Now, Michael Bay might let this slide if it was one of his crappy horror movie productions like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 20 or Friday the 13th part 12... but not one of his babies. Not Transformers 2. He didn't spend two years of his life on this turkey to have it just barely beat out by Ice Age 3 the second week of release. No, sir. Not on his watch.
Meanwhile, the other debut this week, Michael Mann's latest direct-to-digital-video theatrical release, Public Enemies, debuts at #3. And so far, it looks like it's trying to avoid the soundtrack selections of O Brother Where Are Thou... for once.
Not much else to report. Proposal's almost at 100 million, Hangover over 200 million. Looks like My Sister's Keeper's going on life support. And I gotta go, too. But before I do, check out all the chiseled hunks of beef at its premiere! Looks like Jason Patric and Chris Kattan are charter members of the Chin of the Month Club! Too much...

Short Reviews - June 2009

Man! I got nothin' this month! Shame on me.

Whatever Works - Tamest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm ever.

The Hangover - They should've called it "Ed Helms's Missing Tooth: The Motion Picture."

Up - If you don't like this movie, you're not human.

Eddie Murphy in 'Imagine That' - First of all, there's only ONE Imagine That with Hank Azaria.. all TWO episodes of it! Second, this better not be directed by Brian Robbins...
nope, but... oh, Ed Solomon. Is work really that sparse these days?

Bubble Boy and Donnie Darko - Two movies from 2001, both with Jake Gyllenhaal. Both cult classics. What else can me say? He's got the magic touch!

Away We Go - My God! Mendes pumps out a new film prematurely! He didn't wait three years after Revolutionary Road, in other words. It just can't be good.

Land of the Lost - This is just Jurassic Park with Will Ferrell in it, right?

Donnie Darko - Let me just say this about Donnie Darko, and this is addressed to those of you negative types out there who can't say anything nice about a movie. Sure, it's like a Twilight Zone on acid, sure the cinematography's damn moody and stand-offish, and sure, we're all not ready for an 80s flashback just yet, but this is how I know Richard Kelly is a damn DIRECTOR. And, an actor's director to boot. Did you see the look on Maggie Gyllenhaal's face at the end? I don't know what the director did, but that's how I know he's a damn DIRECTOR.

Southland Tales - Still haven't seen it yet.

Purple Violets - Who knew? Edward Burns has finally slipped into almost complete obscurity. Maybe Redford finally got tired of losing money on Burns' films. Maybe he could hook up with Jean Doumanian instead.

G-Force - The Caddyshack gopher's kids finally get a picture...

Punchline - From the writer of The Omen comes a movie about stand-up comedy... makes perfect sense.

The Clearing - Sequel to Spy Game, with Redford reprising his role, and with Willem Dafoe as William H. Macy.

Ice Age 3: Dinosaurs - Dinosaurs? I thought they lived before the Ice Age... oh, skip it. Why question it. The series will be much better now, that's the main thing.

Alex & Emma - So, is Rob Reiner's name in this supposed to be a German anagram of "wishcrafter"?

Mad Dog Time - Oh, Rob Reiner. Didja really need to do this cameo?

Cheri - Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer. Don't tease me like that!

The Hurt Locker - From the director of Point Break and Strange Days comes a serious war movie. I miss Bodhi.

My Sister's Keeper - Another film from Nick Cassavetes, but somehow I feel like Donald Petrie could've handled this one.

Auteur Watch - Les Mayfield

You know, there are many paths to becoming a great film director. You could start out as a great editor like Stuart Baird. Or you could start out as a great cinematographer like Andrezj Bartkowiak. Or start out as a great choreographer like Jeffrey Hornaday. Or a great hairdresser like Paul Abascal. There's many, many more examples, I'm sure. The only other one I can think of right now is Bo Welch, who started out as a great production designer. Those are the big ones that get studied in film school. But for those of you whom fate has not yet smiled down upon, you might want to hedge your bets and be a jack-of-all-trades. That's sort of what Les Mayfield did, our auteur of the week. But not no more! Why, just look at that handsome guy, all confident and smiling. He's thinking to himself, "Sorry, guys! I'd love to stay and answer your questions, but I've got a premiere to get to!"

I've seen the name before, but after watching 1984's Making Of documentary about the film 2010, I'll be damned if I can't get it out of my head! The director of a Making Of documentary about a real film? Well, you gotta start somewhere. And frankly, that's the kind of wise-ass comment a non-believing naysayer would make, but we'll change your mind. Okay, so it's not quite directing actors in a potentially Oscar-worthy performance, but you do get to ask actors questions... or maybe that's someone else's job, too. But Les Mayfield is a uniquely talented man and, with a little bit of luck, he was able to spin those credentials into his first directing gig, 1992's Encino Man. With his producing partner George Zaloom, another name from the aforementioned 2010 documentary, they crafted the script that would launch Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore into the stratosphere. But unfortunately or fortunately for Les, Pauly's not one of these one-director-only primadonnas. If you read the credits carefully on that Costco 5-DVD Pauly Shore Fun Pack you bought your kids for their birthday, you'll notice that Pauly's five biggest films each had different directors. And so, Les had to move on to riskier projects, but the gambit paid off. In 1994 he ended up under the wing of mega-titan John Hughes and he became the new Chris Columbus with 1994's remake of Miracle on 34th Street. And while it didn't make enough to warrant a sequel, he did team up with Hughes for 1997's Flubber. But alas, if there's one thing Mayfield knows about this business, he knows when it's time to move on. And move on from the downward trending John Hughes he did to the upward trending Martin Lawrence for 1999's Blue Streak. A bittersweet end to that apocalyptic decade known as the 90s, which surely is his favorite decade of his directorial career, when he was just starting out (as a director), lean and hungry and eager for work.

And then, on to the decadent 2000s. Not quite as busy, and he was able to be a little pickier and choosier with his projects, such as 2001's American Outlaws. I haven't seen it, but I imagine it has hilarious outtakes at the end, just like 2007's Code Name: The Cleaner. You see, Les knows how to play the game, and he's not afraid to destroy that delicate illusion a film can leave behind after it's over. Sometimes you just gotta bring the viewing public back down to earth with hilarious outtakes during the ending credits. You know, for legal reasons. But every once in a while an opportunity comes along where you can help a guy out. In 2005, he tried to resurrect Eugene Levy's leading man status with The Man. Sure, Levy's gotten plenty of juicy supporting roles over the years, such as the long suffering dad of the American Pie series, but once upon a time in 1986 he was bitten by the leading man bug with that year's Armed and Dangerous. I think it's fallout from the success of Splash. And once you've had that chance to be the next Tom Hanks, you can't help but wonder for the rest of your life afterwards... could it ever happen again? Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice, for cryin' out loud.

Now, for those of you who aren't devotees of the IMDb, there's a new feature where they try to lure you into the pay version of the site by showing you what they call "In Development Credits," where you get the inside scoop on all that stuff that only Variety seems to know about. So what does the future hold for Les Mayfield? Well, they don't say. But that's the kind of guy Les is. He's playing it cool. He's thinkin' legacy, he's thinkin' Lifetime Achievement Oscar, but he's playing it cool. He doesn't need to put what he's up to out there for everyone to see, like Steven Spielberg or (one of the 300 producers of Code Name: The Cleaner) Brett Ratner, no. He could be up to just about anything, like a remake of Matewan, or maybe a documentary about the upcoming Tintin films. You know, just getting back to his roots. Not because he has to, but because he WANTS to. Perhaps find the next Les Mayfield out there, mentor him or her, and try to help him or her not to make the same mistakes along the way, which as we all know completes the circle of success in Hollywood, as in life. Keep on keepin' on, Les Mayfield. We'll be keepin' an eye out for ya, big guy.

Premature 4th of July box office...

Might as well take care of this now. It's much harder for me to eat and play video games at the same time. Might as well keep this B.O. report short 'n sweet. We got three debuts this week. We got Nick Cassevetes' latest tearjerker called My Sister's Keeper. Oh, Cameron Diaz. We're about the same age now! Everyone's not quite turning 40, but close enough. Just don't do like Edie Adams and get lots of elective surgery... I'm assuming that's what happened to her. And she died last year! Well, heaven's a little brighter. Boy, what a rough week of celebrity deaths. And in honor of the latest celebrity... well, quasi-celebrity-spokesceleb death, Billy Mays, I'M GOING TO DO THE REST OF THE BLOG IN ALL-CAPS. IT REALLY WORKS! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... Man, that's exhausting. I don't know how Mays could do it. The second debut this week is Away We Go. And ironically enough, it's debuting at #10. Why, they spent a mint to promote the damn thing! And it had those cool animated letters and everything. They look homemade even though they're probably CGI. And the one shot of the car on the hill? What more do you people want? Just think of it as one of those commercials where the long suffering wife puts up with her idiot husband... only padded out to 90 minutes. Personally, I blame Spielberg for this one. Why, it seems like only 10 years ago when he was helping out director Sam Mendes with his DreamWorks debut hit American Beauty. But it was a different time. The edifice of the suburban family was primed and ready to fall, a ripe target for satire indeed. And now, ten years later, we got a couple looking for a city to move to. How's THAT premise supposed to catch fire? No, once upon a time DreamWorks was the champion of the little guy and the medium-budget picture.
Flash forward to today, and DreamWorks isn't even a studio anymore! Right? And yet they crank out big budget behemoths like Michael Bay's last two pictures: The Island and Transformers 1. What about the little guy? Where's HE supposed to go for a green light? No, the little guy's just gonna have to wait, because it's big budget blockbuster politics all over again, and a Spielberg production once again comes along and clubs the competition like a whole litter of baby seals. Or is it a pride? Somebody look that up for me, and post it here, huh? Anyway, it seems that Michael Bay has drained the Transformers of all its Spielbergian E.T. / Close Encounters / Amazing Stories influences and gone back to what he does best: films with military vehicles, military personnel, Maxim-sponsored women, and explosions, explosions, explosions. Say what you will about the guy, he's not going to put anything in his movie that's not cool! Not a chance! Even the nerds aren't REAL nerds. They're movie nerds. A true computer hacker nerd is not going to be dragged in front of the Secretary of Defense and say to his fellow hacker nerds, "I feel so under-dressed!" That dude's gonna get hacked! Of course, that was from the first one. It's a different world now. I don't know how the realm of the Transformers has been expanded this go-round... except maybe for robots that call Megan Fox a "bitch"? Did I hear that right from the clip I saw online? ..you mean, Megan Fox isn't one of the Transformers? Oh, shame on me! You know, say what you will, all you jealous critics out there, but I'm gonna just put this out there for all to consider: I think Megan Fox is the front runner for the Best Actress Oscar. You watch. She'll get the SAG Award and the Golden Globe first, of course. I mean, she's gotta pretend to be in love with Shia LaBeouf! Who wouldn't deserve the Oscar for that? I hate to badmouth Shia. He's an okay actor and all, but I mean, c'mon! He's no Zac Efron here. For a Michael Bay movie, does not each gender have to put their best and brightest forward? I guess the rule is: when it's a guy movie, the girl has to be the best. When it's a chick flick, the dude has to be Zac Efron quality. The only example I can pull off the skin of my teeth at this moment is Tyler Perry's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Of course, that's a bad example, because let's face it: Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs STILL put whitey to shame. How about She's All That? See, the rules have evolved since the 90s and the dawn of the internet revolution. The rule now is: the guy can look like a hunk of shredded beef, and the girl has to be endorsed by Maxim magazine. If not #1 on their hot 100 list, at least in their Top 5 or 10. Playboy bunnies aren't cutting it these days. Sorry, but it's true. They aren't exactly synonymous with action pictures. All that running and jumping and other assorted physical exertion. Outrunning explosions, no. These are the things they must be protected from.
The other meme floating around out there concerning Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is that it's the biggest motion picture out there... something like that. And being a serious hardcore budget fetishist over here, I'm all, um, Spider Man 3 cost like, a zillion dollars more? Okay, just 58 million more, but still more! Of course, Tr2 is a little more headache-inducing than SM3, but for different reasons. Mostly the choppy editing. Mostly that no scene in a Michael Bay pic is allowed to last longer than 1.5 seconds. Was anyone else reminded of Armageddon, incidentally? What with all those... I can only assume they were Transformers, entering the atmosphere all burning up and sh... stuff? Now he's ripping himself off! Go figure.
Okay, that's about all I got on this batch. Oh yeah, other big budget movies. Titanic was 200 million dollars. And that's 1997 dollars! The Lord of the Rings trilogy: 300 million dollars! Indiana Jones 4? 185 million! So not worth it. Makes Howard the Duck look like a wise investment. On the other end of the spectrum, who can forget Zyzzyx Road and its 30 dollar take at the box office? Oh, snap! No wonder Sizemore ended up in prison! Who wouldn't over that?

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Chambers Lynch

From the director of Boxing Helena comes... you know what? I think I'll stop right there.

Proposal does Decently...

My god! Has it been about sixteen years? Oh, that reference not only dates me, it's so old it CARBON dates me.
Well, David Carradine passed away recently... that's what I get for not taking care of this at the beginning of the week. There's been a veritable spree of celebrity deaths this week, but no one tops the King, who died because of all the lawsuits in the world. But the one I'm going to focus in on is Carradine. You might remember him as Bill of the Kill Bill franchise, or as Kane from Kung Fu in a close second, but I remember him most fondly as ... let me scan his IMDb resumé for the most obscure thing I can find... as Man Playing Dice in 1987's Heartbeat, that's right. Now, there's been a lot of ugly, scurrilous rumours about how he died, but just like Steve Guttenberg coming to Phil Hartman's defense at the moment when he least needed it, I don't want to hear anything more in the mainstream press about the dubious circumstances surrounding his departure from the planet. But I will say it might have had something to do with this picture of him in this year's Crank: High Voltage. I mean, check out the (false?) teeth and beard! WTF, dude? Even Quentin wouldn't do that to the screen legend.

Anyway, on to more pressing matters. Am I giving too much away by telling you it's my birthday this week? Did you get me a nice present? I hope not, because frankly, I can't think of anything nicer than Sondra Bullock's latest comedy, The Proposal, debuting at #1 this week. And frankly, she probably couldn't, either! She would never admit it publicly, of course, but she NEEDED this badly. I mean, producing the George Lopez show is nice and all, but that's just a day job. She's not going to do that forever... it's cancelled? Oops! Awkward... Anyway, it's the story of ... ah, who cares. All I know is, it's my life on the screen all over again. Girls are always asking me to pose as their boyfriend for one crazy reason or another. What I want to know is, for a 45-year old Sandra Bullock, isn't this technically a cougar attack? Or do we still give her a pass on that, due to the many ugly connotations of that phrse? And how is Van Wilder gonna get out of this one? Will he ever have a normal love life ever again?

Ambling quickly on to #2 is what comes after the proposal... and after the subsequent bachelor party. It's still The Hangover, still making Pixar's Up its bitch. I know these kinds of movies come along once in a lifetime, but if it makes 300 million domestic, sequel please? Just remember, Ed and Zach, Bradley Cooper's the boss here, being the most handsome of the three of you. He's still waiting on that Wedding Crashers sequel, and you'll wait on him, because that's how it works. It's all part of the grand hierarchy of show business. This just in: Ed Helms' tooth just signed a three picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

Up drops to #3. Guess you shoulda brought more balloons, fella! Seriously, though, Pixar, why so coy with the budget information? All the others gave it up! You couldn't have cost more than Wall-E, could you?

At #4, Year One makes 20 million dollars. A little less than Nacho Libre, but still too much for my taste. I still don't know why, but I still hope it bombs. So far it's right on track. Not as badly as Imagine That, but hey. Can't always get what you wish for. And rounding out the top 5, it's Pelham 123. It's John Travolta reliving his Broken Arrow-Face Off days, and Denzel... reprising Inside Man? As Donald Rumsfeld might say, you tell me!
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As for the rest, no debuts, so who cares. For those interested, Star Trek stays at #7, same as last week. Thank the new Spock for such constancy. As for Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy, they'll work again, of course. But The Daily Show is still the hot new movie springboard in town, as you can see from The Hangover's success. Or maybe just Comedy Central in general. Who knew. For an all-comedy channel there's not a lot of laughs.

Well, that's about it for this week's box office. I assume Transformers 2 is already breaking box-office records, but we'll get into that soon enough. Over 'n out.

Will Smith: Super Guy

I've decided to save the sarcasm for the review proper, for even though he is still in the icy grip of the likes of Michael Mann, Akiva Goldsman and James Lassiter (not Pixar's John Lasseter) and an ever growing cadre of big-time Hollywood producers, Will Smith is still Mr. Fourth of July, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, though, Will, the list is getting too long. Every film nowadays has, like, 50 producers and 100 executive producers. Jonathan Mostow? Didn't he screw up Terminator 3? How does he get to keep working?
Anyway, on to the movie review proper. I'm tempted to call Hancock here a prequel to The Soloist, but only because Jason Bateman reminded me a little too much of Robert Downey Jr., but at least Bateman's got some baby fat left. Oh, and because the plots involve a white dude helping out a black dude. If you want to save yourself some time and heartache, you can end it with this: as an IMDb reviewer put it, "a good idea... poorly executed!" I couldn't have said it better myself, but I'm at least tempted to give Smith & Co. the benefit of the doubt. And I think I see what the screenwriters were trying to do here, but let's face it: these days, how many times can you wipe the superhero slate clean? In 2008 alone we had the Hulk reboot, the biggest Batman ever, Iron Man, and ... something else, I'm sure.
As you might know, I like to dig deeper and look at the hidden or not-so-hidden connections to everything. One of the scripters is the venerable Vince Gilligan, perhaps best known for his work on The X Files, but for me, this would make a great double bill with Wilder Napalm. It and Hancock are both layered stories about extraordinary people coming to terms with the powers they've been given.
But I've neglected to mention the plot. Hancock (Will Smith) starts out the movie as a superhero on the skids. Good starting point. Try to block out the bad Superman from Superman 3... you already did? Good! Anyway, he saves Jason Bateman's life, and Bateman wants to pay it forward (1) out of the goodness of his heart, and (2) he does happen to work in public relations, something Hancock could use at that point. The scenes of Hancock saving the day, yet causing colossal damage in the process, were pretty hilarious. (Think the fallout in Ghost Busters 2, but all in the same movie)
It's starting to look like a Michael Bay-esque boys night out at the movies. And frankly, I was assuming that was all director Peter Berg was capable of. But Michael Mann has mentored him well, and at some point you might notice a not-so-subtle shift in the tone of the movie. I'll try not to give it away, even though the commercials for Starz! already did, but I would like to point out that we find that the husband and wife relationship of Jason Bateman and Charlize Theron is not so dissimilar to Larry Craig's situation: Bateman's kid is from a previous marriage. So, what is Hancock? Is he like Superman, or like Highlander? A little bit of both, as you might expect. The flying sequences were a little reminiscent of The Forgotten for me. I got the feeling in The Forgotten that they were done on the cheap, as they couldn't afford Vista Glide technology to make it look cooler. There's also an arch bad guy we meet in a scene semi-reminiscent of the big botched heist scene from Mann's Heat, but I think we can all agree that it's a bit of an afterthought, considering what he's up against.
I threw in the part about a Michael Bay-esque boys' night out because the film tries to have it both ways. We've got the funny destruction stuff in the first half, but then we get the maternal nurturing stuff in the second. Single people aren't getting the respect they deserve from our nation's blockbusters lately, I'm afraid, but alas, I'm not smart enough yet to address that full on. We're treated to Hancock's mortality, and a similar inverse relationship like at the end of the first Spider Man, where two people have to stay away from each other... oh, but I'm giving too much away now. The door's open for a sequel, but I'm not optimistic about it at this point. The box office might've been, but the franchise might buckle under the weight of Hancock's physics and loopholes thereof. I should probably give it less than three stars, but what the hell. I'm feeling generous.
...changed my mind. Three stars for the first half. And the kid in the movie. His name is Jae Head, but I still think he's one of the Culkins. And how did the Reno 911 guy get in on this? Isn't he ruining enough things on his own as it is?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Richard Loncraine

Well, I had to choose between Louis Leterrier, Richard Linklater and James Lemmo next, but I thought I'd be a true maverick and go with Richard Loncraine instead, another L guy. Oh, poor Linklater: he looks like a cross between Will Forte and Alfred Molina. But I digress.
Now, I probably won't be able to do Mr. Loncraine the proper justice here. According to his IMDb bio, he's quite accomplished and acclaimed. He did win a Primetime Emmy for My House in Umbria. On the other hand, he was replaced by Wolfgang Peterson on Enemy Mine. Which I guess would explain why ol' Wolfie was able to go from The NeverEnding Story to that one so quickly. On the other hand, he didn't direct for many years after that, and when he did, it was Shattered. I believe they refer to it as The Curse of Enemy Mine. It hurt everyone's career but Dennis Quaid. Go figure. But, I digress a second time. Third time's a spanking, if I remember correctly.
Okay, back on track. So! Loncraine's acclaimed AND accomplished. But, do actors like working with / for him? That I can't speak to, so I'll go directly to my Decade Theory. What decade of his long, illustrious career is his favorite? Was it the obscure 70s where he dabbled in quasi-experimental film? When everyone was fawning over Julia, he was doing The Haunting of Julia, but you might know and love it as Full Circle. No, not the 70s. So, surely it's the go-go 80s. 1982 was a banner year in particular, with his two quite opposite films, The Missionary and Brimstone and Treacle. These days, who's to say which is now the comedy. But you gotta love the opening credit sequence of B&T... that's the only part I saw.
Or maybe it's the go-go '90s when the world had to clean up the flaming wreckage of the Me Decade, and embrace a new found spirit of love and understanding, and the PC police were on the rise. And Loncraine's re-envisioning of Richard III... well, it at least put Ian McKellen above the fray of just your average run-of-the-mill great actors, and into the stratosphere. I hate to say it, but from The Shadow to Last Action Hero, every time I see McKellen in one of these now old movies, he sounds just like Gandalf. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Apt Pupil, well, I haven't seen it. Would it kill them to show it on the MGM HD channel? Actually, it might. Okay, skip that.
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No, if Loncraine's smart, and I think he is, he'll say that the 2000s are his favorite decade. Look at all that work! All that successful work! An episode of Band of Brothers. Working with Harrison Ford. With Paul Bettany on two separate occasions. Oh, it's like Sting is young again and NOT starring in things like... well, things like Brimstone and Treacle. I coulda sworn Richard Curtis had something to do with Wimbledon. Guess not. Just seems like it, as it is Curtis-esque. Oh, The Vicar of Dibley. This is the kind of thing Monty Python would make fun of, back in the day.
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So, in summation, Loncraine's on top of the world right now, flying high in his favorite decade. And what's next? Oh, not much. Just a release for 2009 called My One and Only. Gonna be playing stateside August 21, limited release. Good way to drum up business! Play hard to get with a limited release. And it stars... Renee Zellweger?!! Abort! Abort!

Open Letter to America: Why do you hate Pixar?

Let me just start by saying, I don't know why, but suddenly, now I want Year One to bomb. I don't know why. Maybe it's Jack Black. Maybe it's Juno's boyfriend, I don't know. I just really want it to bomb for some reason. No offense, Ramis. It's just the jealousy talking.
All right. On to the fun stuff. Well, I gotta pay my respects now with the proper hangover-themed jpeg image, because The Hangover hangs in there at #1, baby. But, there are some heavy hitters on the horizon waiting to take your place. Other big comedies like The Proposal are coming soon, and believe me, you'll need a hangover to enjoy that one. Now, I hate to critique other critics, but the chick from the Rotten Tomatoes show on the Current channel, I think she said it best about The Hangover. In reviewing the three male leads in the picture, she saved Bradley Cooper for last, noting "Finally! Something for the ladies." May these cold, brutal, cutting comments not haunt you the rest of your days, Ed Helms and John Belushi... I mean, Andy Milonakis. No, that's not right, either. What is that guy's name, and what's he been in before? ...Zach Galifianakis. Damn, that's a mouthful. I suggest doing like Gisele Bündchen: drop the last name. And if you go out with Leonardo di Caprio, HANG ON TO HIM, for God's sake! Giz, what were you thinking?
Okay, on to the rest of the losers. Up at #2? LOSER! Pelham 123 debuting at #3? LOSER! That's Helgeland's fault, I know it. Worse, it didn't even crack the IMDb Top 250 yet like these other two.
Moving on, Night at the Museum 2? LOSER! Land of the Lost? Oh... It's too heartbreaking already. Quizno's will go bankrupt over this one. See, part of the problem was they were showing repeats of the old TV show, and people saw how crappy they were and, being naive and gullible, figured the movie would be the same way. Unfortunately, they're not turning out in droves to be pleasantly surprised...
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And now, the second half. Eddie Murphy's latest debuts at #6. At this point, it doesn't really matter what it's called. At this point, he's got two careers: his Shrek career, and his non-Shrek career. But Eddie's not going to work for Tyler Perry. No, he's too proud for that. Beverly Hills Cop 4, on the other hand... Now, Murphy's last two vehicles, Norbit and Meet Dave were directed by the same man: Brian Robbins. Here's my question: why not complete the trilogy? You did, like, twenty pictures with John Landis! What's the big deal? Didn't Norbit make a ton of money? ..oh, right, Meet Dave kinda counteracted that. Meet Dave made Pluto Nash look like a runaway hit, frankly. Time to move on. And, of course, a brief shout-out to scripters Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson who clearly have taken a long break from each other since the glory of their Bill and Ted days. Ganz/Mandel they're not. Elliot/Rossio they're not. To be fair, I think they're doing better than the Wibberleys. Or, at least, their souls are a little more intact.
As for the rest, well, you see it's all sequels and reboots: Star Trek reboot, Terminator 4, Da Vinci 2, and finally, Drag Me to Hell. Gotta love that poster. And they use that neo-classical Planes, Trains & Automobiles yuppified font! That's a personal favorite of mine... Well, I gotta give my family something they can ask me about. They'll ask me, "I didn't know you liked the font of Planes, Trains & Automobiles!" Oh, the shame of it all. I better go.

Auteur Watch - Neil LaBute

Why, Nick! Why the sad face? Things are looking up for this guy, so he should HARDLY wear a face like that. Good Lord. His favorite decade? Surely this one we're in right now. The 2000s. Never look back. Oh sure, it got off to a shaky start. He came out of the 90s strong with... basically, the same movie twice: In the Company of Men, and Your Friends & Neighbors. Oh, don't try to change my mind. Why, it's like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction all over again, although some would argue that YF&N is no Pulp Fiction. The main thing is that Aaron Eckhart was his muse, the Penelope Cruz to his Almodovar, if you will. That kinda crap. Oh, but he was hardly done torturing Eckhart. He gave him a new haircut in Nurse Betty, so to speak, followed by the merciless obscurity of Posession. Then, have the audacity to leave him completely out of The Shape of Things! WTF, dude? But this auteur finally saw the light, and joined the big time boys with The Wicker Man starring Nic Cage. Well, remakes are still hot, and some directors can't help but ask themselves, damn it, why can't I too?
So LaBute was in the big time now. And how to follow this success? With another, of course. Duh! Specifically, a success called Lakeview Terrace. Some called it reverse racist pablem, Ebert gave it 4 stars, and the moviegoing public gave it a #1 spot to the tune of about 22 million dollars. It's a win-win-win, baby. So! How to follow up that fluke? Well, Neil knows the way: another remake. This one's called Death at a Funeral. Man! Frank Oz needs to get a better distribution deal! I mean, remaking a film that's only three years old? Why? Just to say you did it? Here's hoping it does better than Chloe in the Afternoon, Chris Rock! I better go...

Another stunning reversal...

...but I'm going with the "Pixar" image anyway. Yes, God love 'em, The Hangover wins the big recount! It is now the #1 movie this week instead of Up. Well, 90% of 68 million is still better than... whatever percentage Disney gets of that 44 million that Up made this week. I'm assuming it's less. But in terms of legacy, Up is higher up than The Hangover on the IMDb Top 250, although I'm assuming both will drop. Shawshank will not be easily threatened by every wannabe that comes along.
But what I REALLY wanted to discuss this week: Will Ferrell. And even though Land of the Lost bites the big one at #3, one can't help but notice that Mr. Ferrell is entering that all-important phase in a funnyman's career: polishing that public image. Oh, he's more than just the goofy SNL funnyman to be sure, in case you didn't already know, with his Dog Show bits and pretending to be a cat when inventing new cat toys. And it's more than just making surprise visits to his alma mater and entertaining the bigshots of tomorrow. Now it's going to all the big ribbon cuttings and visiting the big, sexy government agencies like NASA, and really solidifying the old public image. He's probably not going to end up going as far as Angelina Jolie and become a special envoy to the U.N. and save children or some crap like that. But he's going to come close. Damn close, while still walking that tightrope between being the goofy comedian and being the absolute envy of all those talentless WASPy white men out there who look to him for guidance in their daily professional and personal lives. He's got to solidify his position in the world as a world citizen, because the box office totals aren't going to do it on their own, obviously. Personally, I blame Silberling for this. I mean, 10 Items or Less, my ass!
Moving quickly on to #4, it's... let me check the window here... NatM:BotS for short with Benjamin Stiller the First. It's over the 100 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! At #5, Star Trek. Over the 200 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! What is with you, thrifty American moviegoing public? Get it together, man!
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As for 6 thru 10, or 'The Dregs' as I lovingly think of them, a bunch of bloody sequels, metaphorical or real. Here's what I mean: #6 is Terminator 4, which I think is the first time a McG film's crossed the 100 million barrier domestically. Certainly since We Are Marshall. Yeeggggh! At #7, Evil Dead 4, basically. I know, I know, it is better than that. Gotta dig that poster. Just pullin' your chain, Raimi. Now get back to Spider Man 4. At #8, Da Vinci Code 2, at #10, Dance Flick 1 or Wayans Bros. Comedy 7! Something like that. And finally, a breakthrough debut! My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 at #9. Or 3 if you count Connie & Carla as MBFGW2. No, the title's not just referring to Vardalos' career rise and fall post Greek Wedding. She's getting back to rom-com basics with this. Incidentally, wonder whatever happened to that FOX reality spinoff show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss? Oh, no one can ride the gravy train forever.
Except Spielberg, of course.

Auteur Watch - Alex Kendrick

Do you realize I'm still using only 1% of the allotted space that my blog allows? Man! So much more blogging to do. Anyway, seeing as how I'm trying to wrap it up so I can get into my damn bed, I couldn't think of a more appropriate auteur to profile than Alex Kendrick. With his brother Stephen by his side, they're kind of a religious Coen brothers. I profiled Alex last year because his latest F picture, Fireproof, managed to crack the top 10. See that, Pat Robertson? All you need is a little star power and a budget, and the moviegoing public will indeed respond. Look at Angels and Demons! ...well, better look quick before it disappears entirely. Lamentably, there's nothing new on the horizon for the Kendricks. Perhaps they've gone quietly back to the day jobs, or maybe they got into a big diva fest with Lions Gate, jealous of the deal Tyler Perry's got with them. Sorry, guys, but Tyler's got at least 5 years seniority on you. Incidentally, Ty, you can't be huggin' on the Fresh Prince's bride like that! WTF, man?
...where was I? Ah, who cares.

Up, up and away...

Damn! That's what I get for procrastinating. Down to the wire again. It'll be about 10 hours before the next box office totals are posted, and I think I'm about ready for sleep, so I apologize in advance, but I gotta keep it short. As expected, the latest Pixar juggernaut, Up, is king of the box office. Leaving all others in its dust, this seemingly simple fable of an old man who sails his house away by attaching thousands of regular balloons to it, is surrounded by complex marketing strategies. As we speak, they're running the ads showing plane-flying bulldogs parachuting. Reminds me of Valiant. Oops! Must not... mention... other... Pixar-esque films.
The other debut this week is Sam Raimi's latest, Drag Me to Hell. For some reason, I thought this was doomed to obscurity and a small release. Quite the opposite! While it's no Up, it's got legs of its own, proving that there is STILL a market for PG-13 movies. Why, there's not an R in the bunch this week! Something troubling about that. Also would like to point out Obsessed's anemic take at #10, with only 657,000 in the bank this week. On the plus side, the theaters get a higher percentage of that, but let's try to keep the #10 film above at least 1 million, okay, guys? (... I don't know who that's for, exactly...)