The Biggest Slap In The Face of All

Once again, the American people have great taste at the box office this week... is that an ironic statement? Perhaps it should be rephrased: the American people don't know what's art or not, but they like it ... this week at the box office. Sorry, Jen, guess you better go back to Vince Vaughn. Or someone younger, preferably. John Mayer perhaps. Anyway, we got 5 debuts this week! Dayamn. I don't remember the last time we had 5. There were 4 on June 6! And on March 14. Why, there were 10 on January 3rd!... Oh, wait. Sorry, that's a flaw in my accounting practices. Ignore that!! Back to the movies.
At #2 it's the latest entry from the new Zucker Brothers team of Seltzer and Friedberg, and it's called Vampires Suck. This is a bold step for them, departing from standardization like that. They've done Scary Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie. And Meet The Spartans. Okay, so it's not totally standardized, but you get the idea. Would it have fared better under the title Vampire Movie? Who knows, but don't ask the Transylmania guys. They are so outsville! Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for Spy Hard 2, but without Ray Charles reprising his role as bus driver, is it really the same?
Our next debut at #4 is Tyler Perry's Lottery Ticket. Is it racist to say that they're missing a golden opportunity if the soundtrack doesn't include Bruno Mars' wonderful song "I Want to be a Billionaire So Frickin' Bad"? I should ask Dr. Laura. Incidentally, that song's a little funny to me. Check these lyrics out: "Every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights... a different city every night" Does that sound like billionaire behaviour, or rock star behaviour? Even billionaires like to plant some roots somewhere, preferably Florida or the Hamptons or Martha's Vineyard. Just asking. Just harmlessly asking.
Our next debut is Piranha 3D. Oh please. At least Joe Dante wasn't forced to return as director. Or James Cameron for that matter. The directorial equiv of jury duty, I betcha. I like how the ads say it's sexy fun, something like that. Yeah it's sexy until bodies start getting eaten!
Our next debut is Nanny McPhee 2. Subversive fun, apparently. I'm just thankful to God they didn't have an ACTUAL ugly person playing the lead. And the final debut is The Switch. Oh, such a heartbreaker. Just remember, people! It's not Aniston's fault!