Monday, August 30, 2010

Short Reviews - August 2010

I dunno. Normally I trust The New Yorker, but that looks more like John Heard to me.

This just in: Marion Cotillard will play the lead in the Katy Perry biopic... or was it Zooey Deschanel? I always confuse those two.

Meanwhile, big news. Big Yahoo! News news, that is. Basically the AP/UPI, one of those two, I dunno. On Thursday, August 19th of this month, two megastars went head-to-head. Jennifer Aniston, movie-star and 'Friends' royalty recipient for life, went on the left-leaning The Daily Show. What to talk about? Politics? The Gulf disaster, perchance? To tell the world she's a Birther? No, just to flog her new movie, The Switch. Jon made the mistake of bringing up that they went on a date 15 years ago... or was it? You probably know whose side I'm on already, and no, I haven't switched. And as Jimbo rightly observed, no one is good enough for Jennifer Aniston. Well, Brad Pitt, maybe, but he got out while the getting was good. Vince Vaughn after Brad? Not good enough. Owen Wilson? Some hot young Italian banker with a Lambhorgini? Not good enough. The problem with Jon is that he thinks too much about the outside world and not enough about Jen. So there's the mind problem, and might as well not EVEN dip my pinky toe into the turbid waters of the BODY problem. I mean, let's face it, Jon. You're no Peter Orszag! On to the movies.

Eat Pray Love - Oh, right! Someone directed this. Wonder who?

The Expendables - I dunno. The TV ads I've seen say that when you see this, you'll have a "mangasm." It's probably just prejudiced ol' me, but that sounds a little gay.

Middle Men - Wait... isn't there some way to make this about the 70s?

American Gun (2002) or American Gun (2005) - Well? Which is it????!!!!

The Kids Are Alright - Yes they are.

Are the Kids Alright? - Well, if you have to ask...

Over the Edge - THESE kids AREN'T all right

Bully - Neither are these kids

Kids - or these kids

The Razor's Edge - I keep confusing this with...

River's Edge - That's the one! These kids aren't all right... they must've seen Badlands or something

Teachers - Ooh! Good Crispin double feature. It's Crispin times two!

Bugsy Malone - Man, how did these kids ever survive the trauma...

Good Burger - These kids are pretty good, but only the one's career turned out all right.

The Goonies - Most of these kids turned out all right.

The Bad News Bears - So timeless, it'll never EVER be remade... oh, right.

The Bad News Bears Go To Japan - I'm scared to watch it: it'll throw off my feng shui, and I'll have to play Sokoban to re-learn all that jiko konri I forgot.

$#!t My Dad Says - Coolest sit-com ever...

Extremities - Farrah Fawcett's Extremities

Carrie - Sissy Spacek's Extremities

Enough - Jennifer Lopez's Extremities

Sleeping With The Enemy - Julia Roberts' Extremities

(Pretty Woman - Julia Roberts' body double)

Faithful (1996) - Cher's Extremities

'night, Mother - Anne Bancroft's Extremities?

G. I. Jane - Demi Moore's Extremities

Kill Bill 1 & 2 - Uma Thurman's Extremities

The Heiress - Olivia de Havilland's Extremities

Washington Square - huh? They probably toned it down, right? Gave it a happy ending?

Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte - Bette Davis's Extremities

Management - Jennifer Aniston's Extremities

Leon, the Professional - Luc Besson's Pulp Fiction

Killing Zoe - Roger Avary's Pulp Fiction

Fargo - Coen's Pulp Fiction

2 Days in the Valley - somebody's Pulp Fiction

Life - Eddie Murphy's Shawshank Redemption

The Haunted Mansion - Eddie Murphy's ... Haunted Honeymoon? The Haunting?

The Adventures of Pluto Nash - Eddie Murphy's last trip to the moon, let's leave it at that

Meet Dave - ...ah, skip it.

The Watcher - Lost Souls (2000) - I keep confusing these two!

Homeland Security - - It 'premiere'd on DVD two years ago... is that a good thing?

A Face in the Crowd - I'm thinking and hoping the schedulers over at TCM have a sense of humor and did this to protest the Glenn Beck-apalooza... Too subtle, guys!

Needful Things - Why does this ALSO make me think of Glenn Beck? Specifically, the scene where the dude asks the devil if it was wrong for him to kill his wife? Are we all not that guy? The only thing we know for certain is to invest heavily in canned goods and shotguns.

The American - George Clooney's The Expendables? Is he finally making the movie Esquire and Maxim magazines told him to make?

No comments: