Let The Campaign Begin

I'm referring, of course, to this year's Oscars. James Cameron, whose Avatar is STILL kicking ass at the box office after 5 weeks... CAN HE BEAT HIS OWN RECORD? Sorry to shout, but can he? Seems like Titanic was #1 for, like, 5 months or some craziness like that! Anyway, he was recently on The Jay Leno Show, dooming his ex Kathryn Bigelow to a distant second. Remember, dear, it's the Best Picture that made the most money... in 1999's case, for Spielberg. As for the late night wars, well, it's like politics. I'm tired of 'em all. Vote 'em all out. Just move Conan to 12:05 at ABC, they don't have anything there anyway...
But I digress. Back to the only news that counts. Well, I'm falling behind as usual. I'm still waiting for Pyun to respond to that other one. This is getting out of hand! The debuts this week: don't care, don't care and don't care. Gotta run! Past my bedtime again!

In Memoriam: The One Week Hits of 2009

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting to do this. Well, there's two things I gotta do. First, I gotta appeal to my hardcore fan base and say... ALBERT PYUN! NAOMI WATTS!!! Okay, done and done. Second, I gotta make all my hard work pay off, and pay one last tribute to all those films that made 2009 a little more special than most years: specifically, all those films that made it into the Top 10 for one week, then slipped off the radar on their way to an increasingly uneager video store shelf. Sheesh. Fortunately, we're not at that stage yet where films will have to be sacrificed in order to save the planet and an increasingly obese human population eager for more salty, sugary, fatty treats than ever. Anyway, here's the list... aw, man! I gotta do the hyperlinks, too?

not easily broken, defiance, new in town, street fighter: the legend of chun-li, miss march, sunshine cleaning, dragonball evolution, my life in ruins, away we go,
a perfect getaway, ponyo, taking woodstock, extract, whiteout, pandorum, amelia, fantastic mr. fox, the road, everybody's fine

Oh, crap. And I gotta capitalize the damn thing. Oh, and I want to give a brief shout out to the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert film that debuted at #2, dropped to #9 the second week, the dropped to #11 and higher the third. A spectacular bottoming out, boys! Ooh, Taylor Swift's in it! Guess she didn't say Amen vigorously enough.

Not Easily Broken - And yet, Rick Warren's novel will make a billion dollars at the box office, huh?

Defiance - I guess people got confused and thought it was one of these two: 1980, 2002... or these three: 1932, 1952, 1917.

New In Town - Sorry you can't stay!

Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li - Yeah, the Legend of one week at the box office legend!

Miss March - Oh, Whitest Kids U Know, maybe you'll get a second chance, maybe not. You should be more like Broken Lizard, and less like Kids in the Hall on Crack. But look at it this way! Sex Drive didn't even make the Top 10! ...oh, wait. It did. No, I was thinking of College (2008).

Sunshine Cleaning - Got its clock cleaned at the box office!

Dragonball(:) Evolution - Man, even the anti-Darwinists gave this the cold shoulder.

My Life In Ruins - So where's the surprise?

Away We Go - And away it went!

A Perfect Getaway - This is way too easy!

Ponyo - Actually, that's supposed to be pretty good.

Taking Woodstock - Make no mistake about it, even one bomb like this will not stop Demetri Martin from making all of us his slaves, forced to stare at that haircut, thinking to ourselves, yes. He truly is the true Fifth Beatle. We lavish all our royalties upon you, Master... I mean, buy the soundtrack! No Stairway to Heaven!

Extract - Oh dear, was Office Space the biggest cult hit, leading to ever diminishing returns?

Whiteout - Well, we'll remember you here, Whiteout, even if no one else will!

Pandorum - Wait a minute... is this the prequel to Avatar?

Amelia - Oh... what an ironic way to honor her memory.

Fantastic Mr. Fox - not quite fantastic enough, I guess.

The Road - Not specific enough.

Everybody's Fine - You know, I think I see how it is. Robert DeNiro's just like anyone else: he wants to be able to sleep at night, and be proud of what he's done over the breadth and length of his long illustrious and intensely profitable career. I think the best example I've ever heard, partially because I'm a freak that picked up on that minute detail myself, but a rabid fan went up to John Flansburgh of the band They Might Be Giants and said, hey! On that Dial-A-Song Getaway, the lyric used to be "The fare collector's drinking lighter fluid and claimed she killed our parents" but on the latest album you changed "killed" to "told"... or rather, "Claimed she'll tell our parents." Why'd you do that? And Flansburgh's answer was, well, I think we've already got enough songs about kids' parents getting killed. Same thing with DeNiro. I mean, who wants to meet a fan who says, oh, Mr. DeNiro. I've been watching Taxi Driver over and over and over and over again for the last few months; specifically the part where you're holding your fist over that stove! Dude, that was intense, man. I mean, that was an old school New York City GAS STOVE blue flame, for God's sake! Not one of those pussy stoves with the red element we have today. Oh, by the way, could you do me a quick favor? Could you sign my suspicious looking suitcase for me? I have to leave it at the bus station in a locker... On the other hand, I guess in the biz we call showbiz, you don't want to end up going the other way to the extreme... say, like, Jon Turteltaub. I mean, sure, his stuff is forgettable tripe that goes in one eye and out the other, but he goes to work every day from 9 to 5 and tells everyone he meets: "You see that placard on my desk with my name and job title on it? That says I'm a film director. Film directoring is what I do. And I do it well. Damn well. I go to work at 9 a.m. every morning and I've got five hundred people asking me what to do, and I give them the guidance and the wide smile they need, and they go and do for me, and I punch out at 5 p.m. every night and go home to get ready for the next day. It's a good life. And once I put in my 30 years at the office, I get a handsome severance package, a full retirement, I get to cash out that 401K, and all my doctor's visits are on Uncle Sam's dime. So I would have to say, yes, I'm very happy to be a film director. And everyone else agrees with me." Um... should I tell him?

Believe the Hype: Avatar

Boy oh boy! Was it ever an epic movie night for me. I sat through TWO movies today: The Science of Sleep, and Avatar. Both are essentially relationship movies, but I dunno... The older I get, the more I want to be like Avatar. I guess Avatar is what one strives for, but it ends up looking more like, well, The Science of Sleep, for one. But I digress. As my good friend sometimes says, if a movie was walking down the street, and the hype about it were walking the other way, they wouldn't recognize each other. Gangs of New York came to mind. I mean, I don't think it's the WORST movie Scorsese ever made. But every once in a while a movie is a blockbuster that one might actually root for. I'll admit I was in the Lord of the Rings camp when the great LOTR-Harry Potter raged earlier this decade but it certainly looks like Potter's winning the marathon after all. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was entertained. A lot. This was my first 3-D experience, probably not my last, but I think the writing's on the wall already: this whole 3-D craze simply isn't immersive enough. No, those of you who might read this several centuries from now, take pity upon us mere mortal Neanderthals, who used to stare passively at a flat screen, who were never able to camp out for a wild night amongst the hungry creatures on Pandora... is it Pandora or Pandorum? I'm already confused.
So there's no question the special effects are top notch. I'll never be able to look at Final Fantasy the same way again. Actors are damn close to being replaced altogether, but look at it this way: no more wasted hours in the makeup chair, right? And the lighting is probably as good as it's going to get. Some of the forests in Revenge of the Sith, for one, were lit rather strangely; let's just leave it at that. No, the world of Pandora's pretty damn fleshed out. You know how you'll often hear that a place is one of the characters in the movie? Yeah! This is like that, but I guess it goes without saying, or somehow it doesn't seem strong enough.
That being said, the story... ah, who cares. There's already a sequel in the works. Yes, Cameron's ready to come out of semi-retirement and leave the documentary world alone for a while. Having found Jesus's final resting place, he's got his franchise that'll finally give him the creative freedom to do what he wants. What Michael Bay is to Transformers, Cameron is to Avatar and beyond. I was kinda disappointed that the old Lightstorm Entertainment logo of True Lies and Strange Days didn't come up, but apparently the company's gone altogether... okay, it's just a silent partner now. So, let's talk Spoilers. I hate to break it to my good friend, but the whole Dances with Wolves in space thing's already been claimed. But they also said the ending's a bit like Pinocchio, and I'll bet ol' Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head must be spinning in its box right now, in the hopes that future Disney underlings could sue for story infringement. As for me, well, I couldn't help but see this as a warmup for that movie that Cameron wanted to make about cliffdivers, what with all the flying and the diving. Normally, I'd wonder where the water comes from that can make a waterfall on a floating rock, but sometimes you leave those questions aside for when you watch the movie at home alone with all your jaded friends. And I guess I wasn't enjoying myself completely when they talked about how only a select few have ridden the giant red dragon. Could you even doubt that our hero was going to end up doing that? Although I did like the way he prefaced it by saying that sometimes you gotta make a big crazy gesture. Er, how many times have you been married, Mr. Cameron? Sorry, but I had to go there. Call it MY OWN big crazy gesture.
Apparently, Digital Domain, WETA and ILM all teamed up on this bad boy. And the big tree crashing down, well, I haven't seen something so spectacular since the big water tower falling down in Looney Tunes: Back In Action... actually, it kinda sucked, but oh well. They tried, they really tried.
I think I covered all the points... oh, right. I'm still kinduva sucker for True Lies, and there was that one part where our hero Sully was hanging off of that missile on the side of that warplane... just like the terrorist at the end of True Lies! But this time, Sully's NOT fired. And I know you have to save the arch bad guy for last, but puhleeze. That was quite a fall from the exploding plane, wasn't it? As for the latent charges of racism, well, most good entertainment is. Maybe I'm racially insensitive, but how many sci-fi films have you seen that have their own unique races to be racist about? Besides, the whole Chosen One thing's an easy plot structure to fall back on. I guess some are pointing to the big line at the end: "How does it feel to betray your own race?" In this case, it's really just a case of climbing the corporate ladder, really. Fingers are bound to get stepped on by the feet from above! But really, Sully's avatar gives the ideal answer to that question: a hiss.
And finally, will Cameron conquer the Oscars once again as he did 12 years ago? Well, people are a lot more jaded these days, but I'd say it has a better chance than Benjamin Button before it to really sweep up some hardware, especially in the SFX departments. As for Stephen Lang, well, 2003 was your big year, buddy, but I think the muscle mags will give you some mad props instead! It's a whole another you, buddy.

****
so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

MGM: Studio on the Decline -> Touch

Yes, I don't remember exactly when I had this realization. Maybe it's when they re-released Fame and it did poorly amongst critics, then the public. Maybe it's when I realized Warner Bros. bought the video rights to Gymkata. Maybe it's just an example of studio politics guiding business principles, where Disney's the honor student and MGM's the black sheep of the same family. And even though we just barely missed scraping against that iceberg known as Great Depression II lo those couple years ago now, not all got away unscathed. And perhaps you're thinking to yourself, well, MGM's still got Bond! James Bond! True enough. And even though you might not like Daniel Craig in the lead, the films are too expensive and need to be financed by a second studio, like Sony or... Fox! No, the only thing that'll be left in the MGM catalogue is the De Laurentiis collection. It's only a matter of time before Maximum Overdrive comes on the MGM HD channel. And I'm sure it'll look great... even though that blonde kid kinda creeps me out. And the cool girl; I think this is her. Doesn't quite fit the mold for me. But you gotta like Lisa Simpson in it, doing a Southern accent.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Which brings me in a roundabout way to Touch, recently seen on MGM HD. I guess it was crisp enough. Somehow film isn't done justice in HD, especially a film from the 90s and earlier. But at least they don't streak whenever the camera moves from light source to light source like crappy digital video. Anyway, in the wake of Get Shorty, it seemed that Elmore Leonard could FINALLY be adapted, and the Coens worked on a treatment for his Cuba Libre, for example. Yes, he was no longer confined to the neo-noir ghetto of the likes of Donald Westlake and others... Charles Willeford? He was one hot commodity now, and Touch would be the perfect vehicle for his talent.
Or so it was thought. I dunno. Something about it. It needed more action or something. It was too immaculate, too laid back. It's about this guy with a very powerful gift, and those first hit by the blast wave that would eventually reach a national television audience. Skeet Ulrich plays the guy with the gift, and everyone else pretty much plays someone who would exploit that gift. Who will it be? Will it be the slick huckster preacher Bill Hill played by a Christopher Walken impersonator? Oh, wait, it's actually Christopher Walken. Or will it be his pretty former assistant played by ... UNDERplayed by Bridget Fonda? Get that girl a mike! Or will it be the obnoxious Tom Arnold? Seriously, though, he did pretty good. I guess you could say the character was perfect for his '90s persona; then again, one doesn't usually equate Tom Arnold with religious orthodoxy. Does Skeet Ulrich himself long for a life of fame and riches? Will his gift disappear once he achieves either? Who's exploiting who here? Or could it be that God's exploiting all of us, and frankly being a bit of a showoff by giving one man Christ-ish powers? I kinda like that last answer, since I thought of it myself.
There are various colorful cameos, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Christopher Walken and Anthony Zerbe are reunited after appearing 14 years earlier in The Dead Zone. Lolita Davidovich takes a break from working with hubby Ron Shelton to make an appearance as a former Catholic turned stripper. She and Christopher Walken give Tom Arnold a theological run for his money. I will say that the music was pretty good. I would give a shout-out to Conchata Ferrell, but really, everyone knows Mr. Deeds is the performance she'll be remembered for.
I think that was about it for Touch. To refresh people about my star system: 4 stars is for a movie that I will surely watch more than once a year, 3 and a half for a movie that's not quite a classic, but at least has some worthy action scenes. A 3 star movie is a movie like Just Cause or The Client: a slick Hollywood vehicle that will be shown forever and really only needs to be seen once. Two and a half and lower, well, now we're getting into walkout territory. And I should report that I and my viewing companions, while watching Touch, tried to take a vote to abort and watch something else, but we figured it's like a vaccination: might as well get it over with so from now on, if anyone should perchance ask, we can say, why yes! I saw Touch once.

Visual motif: major scenes are begun showing a character's shoes... usually Walken's nice shoes

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Asia Argento

Man, this chick's messed up. And I don't say that lightly. She almost makes Jennifer Chambers Lynch look normal. They should remake Thelma & Louise together... call it Boxing Thelma & Louise, heh heh. Sorry, had to go for it. Of course, JCL's a grandma compared to our girl Asia! Why, AA's a citizen of the world, chillin' with Catherine Breillat, hangin' with her boyfriend in Hong Kong, what have you. Now I know what you're thinking: if there were a comparable dude you wouldn't be so hard on them! Not necessarily true. Harmony Korine and Jody Hill come to mind. Get a room, guys!
I hesitate to use my patented Decade Theory on Ms. Argento, as it doesn't seem to apply. Surely she has a fondness for the 80s and 90s, if only because of the filter of youth. I fear that decades to come won't be as iconic as the late 60s, 70s, and early 80s were, but hey. Sometimes you gotta clast your own icons. Asia's cultivating a party girl persona, but trust me. Any party person eventually comes around, and they end up doing family comedies for Disney in the end... close enough.

We Need 31 baby models to wear UGG Boots

Boy, the spam emails are sure getting weirder and weirder. Well, the Avatar juggernaut grinds on at #1 for the 4th week in a row. It'll be a happy Valentine's Day at the Cameron household, but even he knows better than to re-release Strange Days. As for the rest, well, it's an anemic crop of debuts this week. At #4, Daybreakers, the latest not-as-sexy-as-Twilight vampires to grace the silver screen. Well, Ethan, you're still the poor man's Tom Cruise to me! At #6, a rom-com called Leap Year. That Amy Adams can sell anything, but she's overexposed now. Take a couple years off. Backpack through Europe, girlfriend. At #9, Youth in Revolt. That's the problem! They're revolting, and not going to see the movies. Damn cynical youth. I'm so outta here.

Auteur Watch - Allison Anders

Damn. Falling behind already. So much for New Year's resolutions! On to the auteurs of 2010. How's the other half of A Band Apart that no one talks about doing lately? To be even more brief, which do you suppose is Ms. Anders' favorite decade? And will she and Nancy Savoca ever resolve their bitter blood feud over who's got more indie film cred? If I had to guess, I'd say she enjoyed the go-go 90s with such films as Gas Food Lodging... ooh! Good title. And of course, Grace of my Heart which could've been more cynical like Pirate Radio and used a flimsy excuse to cash in on a top-heavy soundtrack laden with all the greatest hits from the greatest period in recorded music history, but she chose not to, and wisely. But if directors have taught me anything, it's that the current decade is always the favorite, even if you've only gotten work in TV on shows such as Cold Case and Men In Trees. But the 2010s look to be more fruitful in terms of that ol' silver screen that all aspire to! Something called Smile Now Cry Later... pretty good title; must be a coming of age story about how she got picked on all the time. (after visiting site) Close enough.

No debuts this week!!

Sorry, gotta keep it short again this week, but why not? No debuts at the box office this week! What, Transylmania not doing well in regional markets, like, the directors' home town? Well, 1 to 4 stayed the same, but after that it's complicated... see how I did that? Lemme tell ya something: The Blind Side is the little movie that could! It rises from 6th to 5th, clinging to the box office for the 7th week in a row. It's the movie that Precious shoulda been, but just wait til the Golden Globes and the Oscars, baby. Up in the Air switches places with Blind Side, slipping to #6. Princess / Frog and Invictus stay constant, while Nine and Morgans trade places. Nine is finally where it belongs! At #9. As for Did You Hear about the Morgans, well, it's headed to a place even more hidden than the Witness Protection Program: your local video shelf, and then to the pawn shop where it will languish forever in the locked Blu-Ray case, doomed to be passed over for more interesting fare like Zohan and that direct-to-video Fantastic 4 sequel... sorry, I made that one up. But who would be in that cast? Probably James Belushi as The Thing and Alyssa Milano taking the Jessica Alba role. I gotta go.

Short Reviews - December 2009

Well, while Larry Flynt's busy producing "Tiger's Nailin' Paylin", it's the end of the year and it's time to do some reflecting. Apparently, it's the end of a decade as well. We didn't learn from the last decade, either. No, the sheer excitement of the numbers flipping was too much. Surely Jesus would come back for that! I coulda sworn 2011 would be the start of the new decade, but it must just be me. Seriously, though, what do I watch: Nine or Broken Embraces? I need my Penelope Cruz fix, but I can only pick one! Meanwhile, The Flight of the Conchords has ended its run of two seasons. And yet, no one's bitter about that. A sign of the ennui of the times. Everyone involved is all too eager to move on to more lucrative projects, like Rhinestone Cowboy or whatever the hell that was called... Gentlemen Broncos, that's it. Anyway, on to the movies... but really, what's the point? Someday we're all going to ... ah, who cares.

Everybody's Fine - No, they're not.

Everybody Wins - No, they don't.

Everybody Says I'm Fine! - Must be a David Sedaris thing.

Everybody Wants to be Italian - Must be a Nick Turturro thing.

Everybody Loves Sunshine - Prequel to Little Miss Sunshine?

Everybody Hates Chris - Everybody wants attention, too, no matter how they get it.

Everybody Loves Raymond - Yeah, that Zach Braff's pretty good, no question about it.

Everybody Loves Hypnotoad - Damn! They stole my idea before I thought of it!

Everybody Sing - Nah.

Everybody's Fine - About Schmidt ring a bell?

Everybody Wants to Help Ernest - Oh, I thought it was Ernest P. Worrell. Not as fun.

Nothing Like the Holidays - Well, that's true, even though the movie might not do it justice.

Christmas with the Kranks - Didn't Dan Aykroyd used to be a comedian?

Deck the Halls - Why didn't they just go all the way and have the flying sleigh in front of the full moon?

What was that Christmas movie with James Gandolfini in a beard? Romance and Cigarettes? No, that wasn't it...

Surviving Christmas - Ah, yes! That was it.

Saw VII - Directed by David Hackl. How perfect is that? The only one more perfect would be Eric Red.

Fracture - The Amory Lovins Story?

Full Metal Jacket - Face it, ladies. You have Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias, we have Full Metal Jacket.

It's Complicated - That's okay, Americans these days don't know what that means... but they probably know where it comes from!

The Marriage of a Young Stockbroker - Didn't quite re-capture that Graduate magic, didja, Turman?

Up in the Air - When are Anna Kendrick and Adam Scott going to make a movie together? Wouldn't they be the new original Power couple?

Knockout (2011) - Remake of Girlfight?

Hider in the House - It's a documentary about Gary Busey, right?

"I'm With Busey" - http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0369121/ - The American people have apparently had enough

The Princess and the Frog - Don't call it urban!!

Dragonard / Master of Dragonard Hill - Were these both filmed at the same time? If this ever comes out on DVD, they'll have Patrick Warburton on the cover. Maybe Herbert Lom. Also starring Dennis Folbigge as Governer... WARBURTON? Coincidence, right?

Ice Castles - Meh.

The Ice Pirates - How did this end up in my DVD collection? Good Lord.

Vampire Circus - Cirque du Freak?

The Next Best Thing - So, the hidden message of this movie is: Madonna is our secret weapon in the war against gay men!

The Wild Bunch(2010) - Wow.... somebody's been smoking some genetically modified WEED!

Extraordinary Measures - Not extraordinary enough.

Collapse - Oh, shit.

It's Complicated - Wait! I finally figured it out... Meryl represents SNL, because Steve and Alec have this running feud going to see who'll host the most times. PLUS, they're both hosting the Oscars in a few months... but you blew it, guys! Totally blew it. You SHOULD'VE released this the weekend of the Oscars, hosted SNL together the night before, THEN do the Oscars! Either take the Red Eye, or get Tina Fey to pull a few strings and have them present the Oscars at Carnegie Hall or something. Just throwing that out there.

I never did finish hyperlinking this post... should I bother?

Auteur Watch - Claude Zidi

Well, I personally can't think of a more perfect way to end this year of auteurs than with one of the men responsible for James Cameron's 1994 effort, True Lies. Hard to say which decade is his favorite; they do all tend to meld together in France. Moving up quickly through the ranks after being a camera operator, his greatest gift was in his ability as a writer / director... of his OWN material, of course! No, again, the best way to look at it, at least, from our limited American perspective, is in terms of the pre-Cameron period and the post-Cameron period. Surely the post-Cameron period was more enjoyable, moving up to big budget fare like 1999's Asterix et Obelix? But he's the kind of guy to start franchises, not finish them... unless they're his own, like Ripoux 3. Yes, even if it takes you 20 years, some stories are worth telling, to the bitter end.

No lump of coal for Hollywood!

Oh, another big holiday weekend. Pretty damn big. I got into the wrong biz. Avatar outdoes itself by a tiny percentile from last week, and we've got four debuts: Sherlock Holmes, It's Complicated and Nine. But the biggest story of them all has got to be that Chipmunks sequel, or... squeak-quel, rather. (clutches stomach, turns white) Once again, another blockbuster slips in underneath my radar. That's what I get for not watching Nickelodeon or having a twitter account. No, everybody gets what they want: Guy Ritchie gets to keep his street cred even though he's totally gone Hollywood, James Cameron's king of the world again: this time, of his own new world. Then again, big screen comedy's been taking a hit lately. Even though all the critics hate Old Dogs, SOMEONE's going to see it! And that Morgans film too. Did You hear about the Morgans? I heard that Matthew Broderick bowed out and Hugh Grant stepped in. Probably just an ugly rumour, though.

Auteur Watch - Robert Zemeckis

Well! As the pop-up window informs me, this will be the fourth Robert I've profiled this year on Auteur Watch: Robert B. Weide, Robert Rodriguez and Robert Young being the previous ones. And rather than use my decade theory on poor ol' Bob Zemeckis, I'm going to ask the question: does he prefer the pre-Spielberg phase of his career, or the post-Spielberg phase? Sure, the post-Spielberg phase got off to a rocky start with Death Becomes Her, but Bob's a quick study, and Forrest Gump was his next offering. It's too politically charged to talk about, so I'll move on to Contact, and move even more quickly on to What Lies Beneath and Cast Away. Yeah, 2000 was quite the busy year for ol' Bo-Zem, and probably the time building up to it as well! Yes, he apparently was serious when he vowed never to do that again, and he's since shaken off this mortal coil, alienated himself from the ASC forever, plunging headlong into the wild weird world of MoCap. I meant to point out that A Christmas Carol is currently in its seventh week in the Top 10, giving it the longest staying power of the ten on the list. Now, some of you naysayers out there might question the wisdom of having Scrooge shrink smaller and smaller as he goes sliding along through the snow. Well, let me just ask you this: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH GODDAMN FILM SNOBS? Sorry to yell like that, but what is it with you people? Isn't it enough to get out of the house for a couple hours, stuff your face with greasy, greasy popcorn and get some damn entertainment out of that giant silver screen? What more do you WANT?
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, the IMDb's being coy, and we don't know what picture ol' BoZem's going to direct next, but he's got quite the full producorial plate full... is that the right spelling? Apparently, Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 is in the mix. It certainly hasn't been improved upon in the twenty-something years since its release, but so far I seem to be the only one I know who likes that movie, outside of my inner circle of friends. But I'm sure some Hollywood marketing genius will make it a must-see event when the time comes. I mean, it's no Saw 7, but ...

Blue Movie Blue

Why does this color scheme not surprise me? He was clearly ahead of his time, before the Coens made the yellow 'filter' popular with O Brother Where Art Thou?, Cameron was stuck on the blue color scheme. Must be something about dealing with water so much. In case you had to guess, it's True Lies on the left, Terminator 2 on the right, and Avatar in the middle. He's also moved on from titles beginning with 'T', which can never hurt. Anyway, the feel good movie of the year has arrived, and Avatar is #1 at the box office this week as well. Just busting your chops, Cameron. You did good, buddy. And I see you got your crew to vote for it on the IMDb as well! #25 already! Not bad, not bad. But no one messes with the Shawshank. Not even The Godfather. Shawshank is #1, always has been, always will be.
Meanwhile, the other two debuts this week are Did You Hear about the Morgans?... and Up In The Air. Not to be confused with The Air Up There, but that may be the closest link in the Kevin Bacon game to link Clooney to him... I'll give you a hint! Brad Pitt... Think I'll leave it at that.

Auteur Watch - Robert Young (III)

So, which decade is Mr. Young's favourite? Surely the go-go 70s, an era of big hair and bigger drugs, where folk gave way to disco, and a certain Mr. Young started off slow, but made important connections, especially on Romance with a Double Bass where he first linked up with Monty Python. It never hurts, except maybe later on. Or was it the go-go 80s, when it wasn't a shame to do TV work... in Britain? Plenty of TV work to be had, but there was one cinematic release: the multi-director'd The Ninja Squad. Will there be a 2010s remake as with The Monster Squad? You'd think so, but Fred Dekker's not behind the Ninja Squad, so it ain't a-happenin'. Just remember, kids: the Wolfman's got nads.
Or perhaps it was the go-go 90s, when the 70s enjoyed a brief resurgence, as did the 40s with the neo-Swing craze. The Stray Cats were back in vogue, and the silver screen seemed to be arrayed against Mr. Young, but there was always plenty of TV work to be had, like HBO's Doomsday Gun. Not bad; Day of the Jackal it's not, but... oh, plus that right-wing douchebag Chetwynd had something to do with it. Go back to your day job: attacking Stanley Kramer and traveling the country showing The Hanoi Hilton on eager college campuses, whose numbers are ever dwindling.
As for Mr. Young, it was time to cash in those Python chips on Splitting Heirs and the disastrous Fish Called Wanda sequel. Well, at least on one of 'em you were trusted as the sole director, right? Right?
Or perhaps the go-go 2000s were Mr. Young's favorite, despite George W. Bush in the White House? His career was slowing down a bit, but he was able to choose his projects a little more carefully, like the Young Indiana Jones thingie. Always a surefire fun shoot. And co-directing with Mr. Creosote? Nice. I used to walk past all those Young Indiana Jones thingies in my old video store, but I never thought to actually rent one. You'd think the next one with Harrison Ford wouldn't suck, I mean what with Terry Brooks writing all those damn novelizations and everything...
Well, if Albert Pyun taught me anything... and, believe me, he's taught me EVERYTHING I know, the current decade is a director's favorite. And look! 2010's Wide Blue Yonder is looking to sweep the Sundance Awards. Apparently it's a black comedy with Brian Cox and Lauren Bacall... Okay, so they're no Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, but they were movie stars at one point, right? RIGHT???!!!!!!

The Princess and the Frog

Awright! Time to put some damn EFFORT into this mother! I went ahead and went through my boxes of DVDs to find... well, I don't want to give too much away, but I gotta keep it short this week because of the holiday preparations and all. It's almost winter solstice already! So let's just look at the newbies. We've got the new Disney pic The Princess and the Frog. Very cool. And this is definitely a step up for Keith David as compared to, say, DELTA FARCE! WTF, dude? For some reason I keep confusing him with David Keith. Must be the name. And this also represents a return to form for 2-D Disney pics, as opposed to, say, Home on the Range. What a difference five years makes, huh, guys?
The other debut this week is Invictus. Only at #3? Boy, this is really gonna slow Clint down now. Not good. But the people seem to be in the mood for sports biopics, but with a little oomph. I don't know what the oomph of The Blind Side would be. Sandra Bullock? Crazy. Crazy times. The game that gets played occasionally is what other year this is like. So I guess 2009 is now like 1994: Disney's got a #1 animated movie, and Sandra Bullock's a top box office draw. Go figure. The future keeps looking back to the 70s and likes it better, if only for the fashion.
And I should probably mention that we've got a new entry into the one-weeker club! Everybody's Fine! But there's gonna be a few long faces round the DeNiro dining room table for a while, I guarantee ya.

Auteur Watch - David Yates

Many cameras have actually eaten directors, and David Yates is clearly no exception. According to the IMDb, there are about eight David Yates, but there can be only one director of multiple Harry Potter films. Take that, Walk Off the Pounds with Lorraine Kelly guy!
Anyway, now that I think about it, perhaps the decade paradigm is wrong for all directors. In this guy's case, clearly there is the post-Harry Potter phase, with fame and glory and riches, and there's the pre-Harry Potter phase with great titles like Oranges and Lemons and The Tichborne Claimant. Depending on who he talks to, Yates could go either way: the pre-Potter was good, because he was young, dumb and... eager to learn about the industry that would soon propel him to superstardom. And, of course, being associated with a series like Harry Potter has its good points, too... but for the life of me I can't think of one right now. After the final Potter film is in the can, is it on to that personal indie drama about the train wreck in a coal mine in Devonshire? Fingers crossed!

Yeah, that'll happen!

Oh, Yahoo! News. So young, so wide-eyed, so naïve about how things work in the real world. Why, movies that debut at #1 fall to #2 all the time! Yes, even flashes in the pan like Twilight. But The Blind Side rising to #1? That I can't explain. This kinda thing used to happen all the time in the summer, and between movies like True Lies and Forrest Gump. The Lovely Bones doesn't stand a chance, I tells ya.
Anyway, we got some debuts this week. Debuting at #10 (is that a good thing? Is THAT worth reporting, Yahoo! News?) is DeNiro's latest effort, Everybody's Fine. Even the most light-hearted critic at the most local local radio station in the country is wondering why they're calling this film "the feel good hit of the winter." Which in-law of DeNiro's needs a kidney this time? Even so, I don't think The Road's going to make a comeback in a couple days, but we shall see. At #6 is Armored which has gotten panned someplace, and I mean really panned on a personal level. The-actors-don't-look-like-they're-in-the-same-room kind of panned. This is the kind of thing John Singleton now does in his sleep, but at least it hits #1. I'm surprised that Up in the Air didn't appear on the charts this week. Was it being released this week or what? Anyway, the other debut is Brothers, Jim Sheridan's latest. Now you're getting it, Jim! Make films with actors in it that people might actually want to buy tickets to see! Personally, I'm surprised about Natalie Portman, but Tobey and Jake, sure, I guess they still got it.
Anyway, back to Twilight. Oh, you can't buy this kind of publicity. There's talk of the last movies of the series already. The third one's already in the can, apparently, but the ungrateful producers want to bring back Weitz to do the last one... or two! They're going to rip off Harry Potter and split the last book into two movies. It'll play better if they actually beat Potter to the punch. Think of it! Harry Potter started its run duking it out with Lord of the Rings, and it will end its run duking it out with Twilight. Some beloved series just can't catch a break. But yeah. Who would you rather have directing your movie? The guy who did American Pie 1, or THIS guy? Eggs-zactly.

Short Reviews - November 2009

Well, like most of you out there, I'm still in the throes of Tiger Woods fever. Boy, it's much more infective... is that a word? Contagious! TWF is by far more contagious than bird flu, hanta virus and H1N1 combined! But now that I got a little distance on it and I can see some of the forest, here's what I'm thinking. Remember a while ago when Dumbass was still president, and the "statistical value" of a life dropped to 6.9 million? Well, here's what I'm thinking. If Tiger's worth a billion dollars, a billion divided by 6.9 million is 144.92 something. We'll round it up to 145. Therefore, Tiger should be allowed to sleep with 144 other women before all you peons get to pass judgment. I mean, let's not forget! Isn't he, like, the best thing to happen to golf ever? Certainly better than Seve Ballesteros or Bruce Crampton or Gary Player. On to the movies, damn it...

Jessica Simpson: Reality Tour Live - Poor director Bill Fishman. He's gone from making a comedy about Video Aces, to BEING Video Aces!!

The Accidental Husband - Tourist ring a bell?

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - I don't get it. This should be a direct-to-video sequel, or a new video game. Wonder if Nic got 20 million for this one?

Babylon A.D. - Maybe I'm crazy, but from what little I saw on cable... you know, it wasn't that bad! They got REAL TIGERS, for God's sake!

Pirate Radio - You can buy the 12 CD box set after the show, folks...

Bio-Dome - It is a wacky comedy, and it deserves its place in the permanent rotation of HBO, Cinemax, whatever... still, there's something depressing about a movie where Pauly Shore is the smartest guy in it.

Twilight's Last Gleaming(2005) - Nope. There's two books left.

Planet 51 - Finally! A comedy where people are the aliens. Sorry, (Battle for) Terra.

When In Rome... - Oh, Kristen Bell. You just don't get it, do you? This is the kind of movie that Sarah Marshall was making fun of, damn it! Don't be the next Brittany Murphy!

The Damned United - Well, it's no The Big Green, but I am a sucker for a Nick Hornby soccer comedy

Invictus - Well, it's no The Big Green, but ...

Inception - Damn! I knew I shoulda studied harder during Latin class.

Hereafter - Is Peter Morgan the new... Roland Bass? David E. Kelley? Richard Curtis? No, wait, Curtis is still getting work.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008) - Yeah, and the movie did too! You know you're in trouble when Keanu Reeves is the most intersting actor in the damn thing.

BASEketball - I may have said this before, but it bears repeating. Now, you might watch this and think to yourself, boy! For a comedy involving those South Park guys, it was an unfunny piece of crap! Well, to you I say what their agents once told me: that EVERYTHING THE SOUTH PARK BOYS DO IS FUNNY. BASEKETBALL IS FUNNY. CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL IS FUNNY. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE IS PEE-YOUR-PANTS FUNNY. EVERY EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR. NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL. YOU ARE A MERE ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD WHAT IS FUNNY AND WHAT ISN'T. IF AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, AND YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS. SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY, ALWAYS WAS FUNNY, ALWAYS WILL BE FUNNY. UNDERSTAND? GOOD.

Run (2010) - McTiernan's directing again! But for me, there's only one Run: 1989's Run with Patrick Dempsey! Get on the bumper! Get on the bumper!!!

Did you hear about the Morgans? - No, but judging from that pedigree, I bet Sandra Bullock feels betrayed that she's not involved!

Brothers - For some reason, it makes me think of the film Kevin Bacon's trying to make in The Big Picture, after the studio changes it so it's all young people.

Braveheart - Watching it now, I put aside my prejudices, but still... boy, does Mel look too old for that part. Too old for Catherine, at the very least.

Clerks 2 - Welp, it took me two years, but I finally finished it. I WANT MY RENTAL MONEY BACK!!

Auteur Watch - Jin Xie

Or is it Xie Jin? I never know which. I'm hoping the former, because I don't know of any other auteurs whose last name begins with X. Francis X. Bushman? There's one cinematographer who worked with Woody Allen named Fei Zhao, but Woody credits him as Zhao Fei. I guess he wanted to work with a cameraman who couldn't question the "comedy."
But anyway, back to Xie. I won't do him as much justice as, say, Wikipedia, but I'll take their word for it. He was an important Chinese filmmaker, best known for something called Hibiscus Highway or something. Oh sure, they probably won't show his films in high school or middle school, but he seemed like a decent enough guy, kinda like Jiri Menzel or... someone else. But he seems to have taken his career full circle of sorts, starting with 1957's Woman Basketball Player No. 5. Hey, remember, buddy! This is film we're talking about, not a photo gallery in a coffee shop! So he started with that, and ended with 2001's Woman Soccer Player #9. Quite a different world between those two, or is that indifferent? We seem to be living in a much more indifferent age now. But at the time he seemed to be a little more long-haired and anti-establishment, but give 'em a big house in the country and a fat bank account and they all calm down... or clam up? Something like that.
And so he passed away at 84 years young, moving on to wait in line at the big DGA office in the sky. But film directors, like some lucky celebrities, are able to cheat death a little bit sometimes, and the impending release of One 2008th will give him one last chance to strut his stuff, and it will probably affect the critics' take on the film, of course. They'll either think his part of the film was the best, or the worst, but certainly worth commenting on. The dead direct! The dead direct!! I better go, man. Getting depressed...

Old Dogs go to Heaven

He's a zit! Get it? I don't care what anyone thinks, I STILL say there's a connection. Of course, Wired's already been made, but it's a magazine now, and it seems that everything's being updated for this generation anyhow, so why not make it again. Of course, will Pattinson do like Harry Potter himself and also play Equus on Broadway? Might get a different crowd, though. Oops! Gone too far that time, which means it's time to dissect this frog known as the Top 10 Box Office - American. Sorry, I don't care about the UK market yet. Though it is also important.
Anyway, in a last minute recount, Goats is knocked off by The Road at #10. I guess this means it has indie cred. Looks okay, but I still would've like to have seen what Cronenberg would've done with it. He's got top-secret irons in the fire, so they'll just have to wait. He's hardly a spring chicken anymore! But maybe Viggo'll get the gold this time. Charlize, don't go through with Atlas Shrugged! Be human!
At #9 it's Fantastic Mr. Fox, Clooney's other animal-related 2009 entry. We got Up in the Air coming up next, which completes his 2009 trilogy. I think I asked this already, but it bears repeating, and maybe USA Today can do more with it than I have: is Clooney's 2009 going to be better than his 2005? Will his feud with Soderbergh end amicably? Is Heslov as dynamic a filmmaker? I think I know the answer to that one: what, Faisil from True Lies? That's a joke, right?
Coming in at #8 it's... let me check the window here... Precious. Right. I guess Push was already taken, huh? They're running the happy commercials now, where Precious takes the runway in a Donna Karan. Why, even Wayne Dyer would like that. At #7, it's Planet 51. I'm curious about this one: what does a bad Pixar movie look like? Is the animation still top notch, or does it look like streaky digital video, like that Over the Hedge thing?
And now I don't care. #6 brings us Ninja Assassin, from the Matrix boys acting as producers. Do interviews, guys!
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And finally, the top 5. A Christmas Carol makes back its catering budget with $105 million in the bank. At #4, Old Dogs, from the director of Wild Hogs. To complete his Disney comedy trilogy, director Walt Becker's 2011 pic will be about drunken lumberjacks. It's either going to be called "The Wacky Drunk Lumberjacks Take On the Pacific Northwest" or something else... two words, 2nd word rhymes with dogs and hogs... hmm. I had it here a second ago.
Walt Becker. Proof that nice guys have been finishing last as directors lately. Number 3 is 2012. Well, is there any other discipline that Roland Emmerich can ruin? He's already tackled the new Egyptology, 1776, global warming and now the Mayan calendar. But even HE doesn't want to touch the wrapping up of the Universal Soldier trilogy. No, Peter Hyams' kid'll do that. It's not that Jean-Claude didn't want to work with Peter again, but... he REALLY didn't want to work with him again. But his kid will! What, no one else in Hollywood will?
As for John Cusack, well, is he still dating Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos)? ... and my computer's slowed down. Better save this before I lose it. Boy! His trivia section needs to be updated. But he's got a thing for his costars. He should work with Heather Graham one of these days... don't tell me SHE got married yet!
One more quip about 2012. Cusack's character is named Jackson Curtis... but I bet you anything it's shortened to Jack. As in The Day After Tomorrow, the alpha male's named Jack (Dennis Quaid) and his best buddy's named Frank... ah, yes. Jay O. Sanders in real life is an alpha-male, but it's only a true alpha male that can play the beta male. I loved him in all those things I saw him in, but was paying attention to someone else. 2012 departs from the rigid formula! There's no Frank character! No wonder it's already at #3.
The Blind Side is at #2. Boy, that's gratitude for you. It's already made 100 million, and yet Precious must crawl through the muck and mud to make 10 million. Where's the gratitude, America? Have you fallen back in love with Sandra Bullock that hard? Hmm! Must be! Well, this one's the Oscar movie, but who knows? Maybe The Proposal will get some noms. Fingers crossed for Betty White. If this isn't her year, it never will be. People must still be pissed about Lake Placid or something.
And finally, at #1, for the second week in a row, it's the movie that even Peter Greenaway has a thing for. Twilight: Naked Hairless Guys with their Shirts Off. Who doesn't like that? Which is why I have another bone to pick with the American public. Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive? Does People magazine even read People Magazine? Depp's next film is Alice in Wonderland. Is he sexy in that? Is he as sexy as, say, Taylor Lautner? Answer me that, girls! Exactly. And better yet, he's already made his mark among scientists! They're going to name a new tree after him: Laurus taylori. Or maybe it's Laurus lautneri, I don't know... WHAT?