A Movie Called Turkey?

Don't get me wrong. A Man Called Horse has a certain charm to it as a quasi-biographical piece and as a neo-Western. On the other hand, the crying Italian Indian plays a prominent role in it.
Shall I go on? Oh yes I shall. But let's face it. Before a guy settles into a role like Dumbledore he's got to have one last fling. But not just any fling. Someone exotic, ideally. And the Natalie Wood-Native American chick will do just fine... I forget her name already. Now, they go without subtitles on the one hand, which is always a brave choice arguably, in this age of closed captioning up the yin yang. On the other hand they come up with an ingenious device: a Frenchman who also speaks English whose family was killed by the Indians but now lives among them, acting crazy to get out of doing any chores. Plausible at first, but once he starts translating, seems a bit plot-device-y. Again, that's probably just cynical ol' me. He speaks of escape, but if this were made today he would eventually concede that he likes it better where he is in the now. Speaking of Avatar, you might remember that its main character spoke of making a big dumb gesture... something like that. Well, Richard Harris has his own version of that! I wouldn't dream of spoiling it, but it ends up working and ingratiates him with the tribe's warriors; borrowed later by The Man Who Would Be King, maybe.
I guess that's about all the nitpicking I can think of. Kind of a standard Western: there's a big attack at the end, as there should be. Tradition dictates it. The characters are somewhat original. Harris plays a younger, more idealistic version of his Unforgiven character, tee hee hee. Nice to see Dub Taylor; disturbing to see the lack of teeth. And I'm a sucker for just about anything in Panavision with big tracking shots that make the picture look like it's being projected onto a giant ball. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the film that says the "Vow to the Sun" was outlawed by the U.S. government. But the older I get, the more I squeam at movie violence, and the more I think that it's probably for the best that the Vow to the Sun is outlawed. But who knows? Given this generation's veneration of scars and tattoos, it may make a comeback someday.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Everything you know is wrong... about California

Well, I saw the damn thing, so I might as well review it! How I happen upon these cinematic treasures, I'll never know. But I guess it's true what William Goldman said about movie stars: that they're totally worthless and absolutely essential. Something cute and contradictory like that. For if anyone other than Presdient Bartlet were in this, who would want to return to it again and again? Not necessarily for the car, even though it is arguably pretty cherry. It just gets a mild workout, as The California Kid himself says, and not a whole lot more than that.
But to elaborate a bit more on plot. Now me myself, I'm like most people nowadays, and I just can't handle an old-fashioned movie with a plot you can get on the first viewing of a movie. Spoiler alert! But it's a basic story: boy comes to small town, boy gets speeding ticket, boy pays speeding ticket, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy is told to get out of town, boy races with local sheriff in a race to the death. On the plus side, this is a historical drama, chronicling that dark time in American history when towns had to make do without federal assistance by charging way too much for speeding tickets. Got greedy, didn'tcha, all you small city slickers? No, this is far from the fun speed traps of Smokey and the Bandit or A Civil Action. This is serious, life or death kinda stuff. The actors take it all as seriously as they can. Especially that Vic Morrow. A fine performance. There but for the grace of God go all of us, that's for sure. I'll leave this at three stars, although technically it should get less since a vote was called to abandon the viewing prematurely, I must report.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jodie Foster

Sigh. Everyone's turning 40! I've noticed... Well, not this week's auteur: Jodie Foster. She's just south of 50 herself, but still going strong, especially given recent roles like The Brave One. Oh, why must she taunt us guys so?
Anyway, on to the patented Decade Theory. Whaddaya think? Is it the 70s, where she found herself stuck between Disney on the one hand, and Scorsese on the other? Or perhaps the 80s when she graduated to less colorful, more respectable roles? Even though she won the Oscar for The Accused, it must've been a bad time on the set because she hasn't worked with director Jonathan Kaplan since. But then again, who has? That's one of the good things about doing TV work: certain stars HAVE to work with you again!
And so, every once in a while, stars like Sean Penn win acting Oscars virtually back to back, and the 90s would start out so promisingly for ol' Jodie, but after working for so many dufusii directors named Jonathan, one can't help but think, "Hell! I can direct this turkey myself!" And direct she did. Well, Little Man Tate was well received by critic and popcorn chewer alike. Home for the Holidays, not so much. Well, this was while Robert Downey Jr. was a little more troubled. Now he gets high on life... and his new-fangled success. But back to J.F.
If Death Becomes Her taught us anything, it's that a) directors always feel the urge to commit career suicide, and b) a movie star's shelf life is 10 years at best... or is it 20, as with Jodie? The 90s surely are her favorite: in addition to being a great chef and movie star, she was probably ahead of the curve on the whole eco-movement stuff. She focused on the acting all through the 2000s as well... until now, which means the 2010s will be her favorite decade. And how will she re-inaugurate her directing career? How else? By piggybacking on Mel Gibson's rejuvenated career with something called The Beaver. Sounds a bit like Lars and the Real Girl meets Dummy. Just what we all need! I look forward to it, especially if it's in IMAX 3D or something. A toast to Jodie Foster, everybody!

Iron Man 2, pt. 1

Let's see if I can get away with this... Niiiiice! As one of my classmates always says. Well, surprise surprise, Iron Man 2 debuts at #1. On the other hand... only $134 million? That won't even begin to cover the cross-promotion costs! For some reason, I get kind of a WWE-Monster Truck rally vibe with that one scene with Mickey Rourke. Must just be me. Welp, here's hoping Iron Man 3 manages to avoid the pitfalls of Spider Man 3.
In other news, when a big blockbuster skews the results for everyone, interesting things happen... sometimes. Why did I get Married Too is still gone, though. Probably for the best. The way is cleared for Tyler Perry's 2010 Fall project, anyway. That's the main thing. Death at a Funeral rises from 9 to 8, and Furry Vengeance hangs tough dropping from 5 to 6! I thought it'd be totally gone by now! How to Train your Dragon hangs in at #3. That must be a helluva movie! But the real story is the other debut this week, Bebes. I'm sorry, let me get the spelling right... Bébé(s). That's more like it. They took that rapping French baby from 10 years ago and turned it into a whole movie! Et d'ur d'ur être bébé? Am I the only one who remembers? Well, me and Beavis and Butthead? I gotta go...

Auteur Watch - Anne Fletcher

Oh, this is bad. The box office opens in a mere matter of hours and here I am, not having profiled our next auteur! Shame on me. But on the bright side I finally figured out the lyrics to that song about the cheater in the call center. It's actually Shakira's "She-Wolf" about letting a she-wolf out of the closet! Go figure. Something about the gym speakers that muffles the words, I suppose. ¶ Anywho, our next auteur babe is someone named... Anne Fletcher. Oh, she's riding sky high now, but she's paid some serious dues, most notably as a choreographer. Hence her directorial debut, Step Up. Well, it was just a matter of time before Channing Tatum's career was launched. From there, Fletcher moved on to more ambitious fare, something more suited for the likes of a costume designer-turned-director, but God bless her, she wanted it more, and so 27 Dresses was next. How she got The Proposal, I'll never know. I guess Sandra Bullock figured she was a pushover or a nobody, or both, but it worked out for all in the end. Who knows what's next for Anne Fletcher? The glass ceiling's the limit, baby. Fight the power!

Care to rake your acquaintance!

Sorry, but I just couldn't resist. Copyright issues be damned. Yes, it's another damn 'reboot,' as the Hollywood hip call it... hmm! I didn't know Hollywood used Windows! Yes, it's a new Nightmare on Elm Street, and the box office this week has resoundingly spoken, 3 to 1. Who needs new movies? Not us! It's only crime? Where's the 3-D? My Bloody Valentine 3-D just wasn't enough, apparently. Or Final Destination 3D. But what IS in 3-D is this damn Train Your Dragon movie! It's practically unstoppable! But I figure in about 5 weeks it'll be gone. Speaking of which, Furry Vengeance is the other debut this week. Hopefully it'll stick around for about two. This is a remake of Over the Hedge, obviously...

Short Reviews - April 2010

Batman, Indiana Jones 3 - I think it's the same guy. But for the life of me, he gets credit in neither. ¶ Welp, this has got to be my worst month yet. But on the bright side, I got a bunch of other stuff done! And you know summer's on its way when the neighbors start burning in their backyards, filling your house with their smoke. Keep up the good work, guys! ¶ Oh, but enough about them. Lately it seems that the swear words, traditionally kept out of the movie's titles, have crept their way in. Now the flood gate's open, probably because of Inglourious Bastards. You got Kick-Ass, Knights of Badassdom... I guess that's it. Bastard Out of Carolina was a groundbreaker for its time. But seeing as how this is happening so close to 2012, isn't it time for a conspiracy theory? I'll leave that to someone else, but I'm a positive guy, and in all matters distressing there's one source of moral and societal comfort I turn to... That's right, The Smurfs. Now, the whiz-kid wise-ass geniuses over at The Onion have the manpower and the sheer resources to develop this further, but as 2012 approaches and America finds itself unprepared, we need to look to the Smurfs for guidance. Why, it seems like only yesterday every Saturday morning I found myself plopped down in front of the telly watching those little damn blue thingies, interacting, laughing, playing, hating, loving... in short, LIVING, damn it! Living. But then, the show slowly got deeper and deeper into the occult, and it seemed like every week there was some new curse they'd have to make a potion for, some new conjunction that occurs every X number of centuries. Why, I dare say they even had a giant chess board like in that one Harry Potter movie! And the Smurfs themselves were the pieces, trapped in some horrible suspended animation state. Alas, it appears the web doesn't have everything after all, and after spending about 5-10 minutes looking for plot synopses of all those old shows (two mini-episodes per 30 minute chunk! Man, that Hanna Barbera can do anything) I could only find their titles. Normally that might be enough to go on to recall a whole show... it seems to work so well for Seinfeld episodes... but alas, it was too long ago, and I'm too broke and disinterested to get whatever multi-DVD collector's edition is out there. That's where the Onion comes in. This could be their next big "Way of the Swayze", God rest his soul. Okay, on to the movies.


Anvil - A triumph for VH1 films... and no one else.

Robin Hood - Finally Costner free!

MacGruber - Rated R? Wow! SNL's going out on a limb on this one! The last time they did that was on... The Ladies Man?

Furry Vengeance - Participant Productions has officially gone Hollywood!

The Road - Some consider it an apocalyptic vision of things to come; I consider it a training manual.

Auteur Watch - Valerie Faris

...is she thrilled? Oh, I think so. They BOTH are, for that matter! ...whoever the other guy is. And she should be! Most video directors are doomed to obscurity. No one cares who directed the videos for Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA (John Sayles, apparently) or Michael Jackson's Beat It (...William Friedkin? Matthew Meshekoff?) But with something like Paula Abdul's Paula Abdul: Straight Up? With Larry Sanders Show DP Peter Smokler on camera? Did they have him on rollerblades and a dude pulling him along? That's a good technique, incidentally. I do that on weekends, even if I don't have a camera on hand. Anyway, all this music video work prepped them for their film debut, of course, as it seems to have done for oh so many top directors these days. And, of course, with a film like Little Miss Sunshine, well, can't argue with the results! I'm going to say she pines for the 90s: the burgeoning ecology movement, the gay lesbian cultural hotness, the soon-to-be-crushed independence of film. Now it's all storyboarded and RenderMan'd and pre-visualization-ized to death. No more fun. Then there's the IMAX 3D nerds to appease, and the Texas Education Board and... no, wait, they just do America's textbooks. That's different. But she's got stuff on her plate anyway! That'll show 'em. Something called... Used Guys!? Hel-lo! Don't we already have Used People for that?

The Colbert Bump strikes again!

This Dragon movie's beginning to get on my nerves! Who are those guys? ¶ Anyway, the debuts this week are J. Lo's latest. She's finally recovered from the double whammy of Gigli and Jersey Girl, and she's back and better than ever. Is she back with P. Diddy yet? Anyway, The Losers debuts at #4... no wiseacres, you! Kick-Ass slips to #5, incidentally, but who knows? Maybe it'll rebound. Do it for Nic, will ya? He's having tax troubles lately. And of course, the latest left-wing tripe proves once again that the free market won't be fooled. But the Oscar voting bloc might next year! Even though technically it's a 2009 release. Maybe Michael Moore will finish up Fahrenheit 9/11 part 2, if he's still working on that. Must... buy... 4-pack... Reese's ... peanut butter cups ... tie-in with Iron Man Too...

The Name's Pitt, or Download me to your iBast

Well, now that I've had a few days to think about it... For some reason or reasons I hesitate to give this four stars, but I know Quentin tries hard. Pulp Fiction is still his four star masterpiece in my book, though. And of course, most of the themes in Quentin's work and life are present here. The dialogue about movies, the pacing, the coked-up enthusiasm, the racism... I know, I know, he's an artist, and producer Lawrence Bender's got liberal street cred now that he went on Bill Maher. And so, by bending the World War II genre ever so gently and slightly, QT's found a way to blend America's two most favorite decades of all time: the 1940s (mostly through the great art direction) and the 1970s (mostly through the music).
I won't heap on Mike Myers too much, but he doesn't add a whole lot in his one scene. Melanie Laurent makes a fine replacement for Scarlett Johansson, and that Daniel Bruhl... who's he look like? Some have posited Glenn Ford, but I don't think that was it. And the critics were right, and I agree, that Waltz deservedly won his Oscar. Great performance. Now he belongs to the world... and look! It's already paying off. That was Rod Taylor as Winston Churchill? Ugh. He's deteriorating in front of our eyes.
This is what I get for waiting to review. There are plenty of other examples in this movie that recall other QT movies and aspects of his own personal life. For example, Brad Pitt's character was bourne in Tennessee... just like Quentin! And Shoshanna at one point tells someone that in France, they respect directors... like Quentin! I'm leaving out a few, I know... well, there's the part where the one dude finds out his nickname is "The Little Man"... anyone else think of Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs? Just me? I thought so. That's from Pelham 123 you know... anyway, the music. Other than the riff on Fur Elise, it seems to be slight 70s rock. And the opening scene, well... let's face it, that probably happened a lot more than people would like to believe. I'm trying to avoid spoilers here.
Ah hah! I remember now. The scene in the café was a damn fine scene, but it ended much like that one standoff in Kill Bill vol. 2 where the spectre of parenthood is used as a bargaining chip to end the standoff... am I grasping at straws here? I could go on and on, but let me wrap up with the violence. I'm assuming it's a little more restrained than in Eli Roth's films, anyway, but there's no doubt about it: the digital revolution's made screen violence all the more cringeworthy. Especially the scene where Brad sticks his finger in the girl's leg. The older I get, the more I cringe at stuff like that. But I will criticize that one part where we see a forehead getting carved up with a knife. The layer of skin over a forehead isn't terribly thick. If I had to guess, it's maybe a half an inch thick. But the forehead that gets carved up, it looks like they're cutting a thick juicy steak! It must've been about two, three inches thick! And no white bone underneath to be seen at all! I felt robbed... but not too robbed, and still grossed out. This is all Hannibal's fault, I tells ya... I gotta go. Oh, but nice cinematography by Robert Richardson. He must be glad to finally be rid of Oliver Stone, huh? ;)

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Deprecated...?

Update: let me just say this about the DVD... Warner Brothers kinda sucks when it comes to transferring their classics to DVD. Blade Runner shook back and forth and was making me dizzy, and Batman, well... I don't know the technical term, but I think it has to do with normalization. The brightness was normalized on it. This is Batman we're talking about here. This is $60 million for Jack Nicholson. This is Batman logo tattoos and haircuts in the backs of peoples' heads. This is Sean Young stalking Tim Burton... no, wait, that's the second one. The point is, I want a crisp transfer, boys! You better hope you got the Blu-Ray right! I want the brights BRIGHT! I want it to look like the tarmac scenes in 1941, or every Oliver Stone film from the 90s. BRIGHT, BRIGHT, BRIGHT! Okay, on to the review proper.

Awright! It's been a long while, so let's crank out a damn movie review here! So this is the question that surely comes to mind now in this post-9/11 world: is there still room on the DVD shelf for the 1989 Batman? Apparently, Warner Brothers must be having their doubts, as it's now bundled with the likes of Blade Runner, Blade and 2001: A Sbace Odyssey... wait, that last one has no B in it. And I guess I reserved some doubts myself when I first saw it lo those many years ago. Not that I didn't get caught up in the hype, of course. The wall-to-wall ads, the fact that a relative hippie sprout like Tim Burton was helming the project. Oh, I cared about such things back then, don't kid yourselves. But on and on I ramble. Still, kinda hard to believe this was the blockbuster that it was watching it now, but it was.
But since Burton's gone on to ruin the Planet of the Apes franchise, I can't help but think now that there's a little of the ol' TV show in this film incarnation, that Jack Nicholson seems to channel Cesar Romero a little bit, and the camera tilts slightly at times, especially during the art gallery sequence. It still has some satirical bite: The Magic Christian turned slightly on its ear.
But some of the casting choices do suffer a bit. Michael Keaton? Well, once upon a time he was a star, and after doing such films as Gung Ho, Touch and Go and The Squeeze, why wouldn't he be a shoe-in for the role of the new Caped Crusader? A little more down to earth than Superman to be sure, but a little meaner too. Not Superman 3 mean, but mean. Robert Wuhl kinda doesn't work for me, either, but he's suffered enough as it is. I won't heap on him any further.
As for the rest, well, that Hootkins was a hoot with that baritone voice of his. And if you need a mayor of New York or Gotham, why not get someone like Lee Wallace? That voice! That resumé! Sometimes you need a guy with experience. And gotta love Bob, that veteran of Jonathan Demme films like Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia... even Beloved, for God's sake! Now that's dedication. Of course, he's no Dick Miller to Joe Dante; he wasn't even in Stop Making Sense, for God's sake! It makes no sense! Nevertheless, I have seen that guy before... just, never in person. Anyway, Tim Burton's Batman is at least daring in its casting choices, casting a few people over 30, unlike the new one. Oh, and I forgot to mention Jack Palance, chewing his way through his two scenes harder than even Christopher Walken ever could. I felt sorry for him, but he got through his two-pic deal with Guber and Peters. Somehow ironic that he gets killed early in this one, yet survives to the bitter end in Tango and Cash.
Anyway, I ramble on and on. I must confess I cut right to the good parts when re-watching this one. As with A Fish Called Wanda, I tended to skip around to the parts with Kevin Kline. With Batman, it's straight to the Joker's big scenes. And so, here's a toast to the world's first and last fully functioning homicidal artist.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Sally Field

As the IMDb mini-bio will surely tell you, Sally Field is a star. That's why it might be hard to take her seriously in something like Where the Heart is or Say It Isn't So, because even though she is a gifted actress, it's still like Tim Robbins in the War of the Worlds remake; I mean, you can't help but go, "Hey! It's Tim Robbins! Re-enacting his Mystic River personna, no doubt. Well, this is what he gets for turning down Jurassic Park, huh?"
Anyway, yes there was little doubt ever since the Flying Nun that Sally Field was destined for greatness, whether it be in Stay Hungry or opposite Burt Reynolds in all the movies they did together... just the two, right? What, she couldn't come back for Smokey and the Bandit 3?
But what with all her charity work and the Boniva commercials and ... oh, Sally. You can't be the sexpot and wear dresses like that! You just can't! Anyway, even with all she does, it nevertheless occurred to her at some point, looking at all those dufuses she worked with who get to sit in the crane chair and go up tens of feet to do a dolly shot... at least, that's how things used to be done before all this CGI digital crap... she thought to herself "Well, if THOSE idiots can boss all these poor shmucks around... hell! I could do that!" But she's only done it the three times: one episode of From the Earth to the Moon! Not bad at all. Boy, Gump must be the best boss in the world. And something called Beautiful... Damn! They stole my idea.

B-List Superheroes to the rescue!

Even though the Dragon movie's #1 again this week... at the box office...
keeping the world safe for children's entertainment, there are a couple contenders on the horizon, forcing the kids to choose. After all, Kick-Ass at #2 prominently FEATURES a kid! Oh, she's not grown up and bitter like Dakota Fanning yet, but close. And of course, next week will bring us The Losers, but for me, these two probably aren't as good as 1999's Mystery Men. Hmm! I oughta review that sometime! Gotta run... Oh, the other debut this week is Death at a Funeral. Good on ya!

Auteur Watch - Nora Ephron

Who's the next gal we got? Why, she looks like Mary McDonnell! But it's not her. And Mary's not a director, alas, but she's worked with the best. No, it's one of those lovely ladies giving voice to all those upper-middle class / lower-upper class white people who blend in too well and have no one in government or the private sector to properly project their angst, and it's Nora Ephron, who once quipped that her beloved New York City is like a Third World country. Not that Rudy Giuliani necessarily had anything to do with that.
I dunno. I always thought Delia would be the alpha sister of their duo. Loved her How to Eat like a Child. A childhood favourite. You know, if I had to guess, and so far there are only two to pick from, I'd have to say the 90s are her favorite decade. The megahit that was Sleepless in Seattle, the total creative control that was Mixed Nuts... or maybe not.
Or maybe it was the 2000s? Working again with Travolta, but unfortunately stepping in a big pile of Resnick, producing Hanging Up. Seriously, though, I did like Julie and Julia. I promise I'll get around to reviewing it one of these days. Over and out.

Repeat...

Welp, looks like Sam Worthington's asking price just went up. Yes, it's another knuckle dragger at the ol' box office this week. Titans clashed with Date Night, and in a stunning reversal, reclaimed the #1 spot from its new rival. Even Tina Fey with all her clout couldn't demand a recount, but don't worry. That won't stop Mean Girls 2 from hitting the 3D multiplexes. Lindsay Lohan just might not be in it, though. The only other debut this week is Letters to God. Oh, you can smell the country on this one, and the lack of Screen Actors Guild talent. I'm surprised this managed to stay on the top 10. Well, we'll see it again at the end of the year, I'm sure. Actually, I kinda hope not. May it survive another week at the box office so I can ignore it! Haven't had any one week wonders in a while. The last one was in January, for God's sake! I'll spare Indiana Jones the embarrassment of naming it... because, damn it, I'm a scientist too!

Auteur Watch - Claire Denis

Oh my, I've never fallen behind this far before... or at least in a while since I increased my blogging vigilance. Shame on me. Dereliction of duty. Okay, let's get back to it, and I ... Oof! Wowee wow wow! Who is that? Is that Isabella Rosselini sporting a new do? Or perhaps her more attractive cousin? Nah, it's just our next girl auteur, Claire Danes... I'm sorry, I got that wrong. I mean, Claire Denis. Sorry 'bout the mixup, Herskovitz. But at least I'm not making the same old mistakes, right?
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, when you get right down to it, seeing as how pressed for time I am lately, I don't think I'll be able to give Ms. Denis the adequate auteur worship she deserves, and sure, she doesn't seem as flamboyant as a Catherine Breillat or an Ida Lupino, but she's good enough to work with the likes of Bertolucci. Even if it is on a crap project. And in another snap judgment, I'm going to say the 2000s are her favourite decade. Finally, the high profile gigs she's been working towards her whole life. Her latest and greatest is something called White Material. But Isaach de Bankole's in it, so it's not all bad. Who else in the cast? Isabelle Huppert, she's a name, and... Christopher Lambert? Highlander? You're kidding, right? He's not even French! He's a New Yorker! Why, he's worked with the likes of... well, Albert Pyun, for God's sake! (Let's see if Albert responds... ;) )

Same diff...

Well, Colbert already discussed it better than I ever could, but the Clash of the Titans reboot was #1 this weekend. Did they create a new god called Pal, the god of traditional animation? Well, they shoulda. Or perhaps a god called Spota, the god of recurring characters in Peter Hyams movies. The main thing is, 3D is boffo, baby! And it's a little bit of a deterrent to all the camcorder pirates out there. Meanwhile, Tyler Perry is no longer the king of #1. Oh well. He had a good run. Somehow I find it hard to believe he had a hard time getting into the Oscars, but oh well. That's what you get for not going with Oprah. Meanwhile, Hot Tub Time Machine slips to #6. If their website's not http://httm.com, they're missing a bet. MGM can screw up anything. But let me say this: if Craig Robinson's not the new Anthony Anderson by now, he never will be. And we do need a new one: Anthony takes himself too seriously as an actor now. Oh, will Scary Movie 5 never come?
Anyway, the third debut this week is The Last Song. Another damn Nicholas Sparks movie. They're arriving faster than, well, Tyler Perry's movies, for example! The marketplace is saturated! Too much Cyrus for one nation to take!

Short Reviews - March 2010

As Nada once said, "I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some ass... and I'm all out of bubble gum." But even though I'm in a hurry, I did plan ahead with the following updated image of Eraserhead. I mean, what with Hollywood going remake crazy, aren't we overdue for an Eraserhead remake with Tim Robbins in the lead? Am I right, people? Okay, on to the movies.


lice in Wonderland with martin short... what is this one? Molded whitefish?

The Politician's Wife (2010) - It's the 90s all over again. Dave, Absolute Power, Murder at 1600... except, from the wife's point of view. Bore-ring!

In The Cut - I hate to think what the adult-film version of this is called...

Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Let me put it this way... Oh, Jack N. Green, how far you've fallen. How far from Clint Eastwood's good graces. How did it happen?

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - Where to begin...

Rescue Dawn - Steve Zahn is a revelation

Strange Wilderness - Steve Zahn... not so much of a revelation here.

Happy, Texas - Or here

National Security - Or here

Lawrence of Arabia - Nope! Haven't remade it yet, but it's coming. And when they do, let me just say: no offense. I know it's an epic and a classic and all, but man! That music gets just a tad monotonous, no? If I may be so bold...

Lions for Lambs - With Tom Cruise as John Edwards.

The Last Song - If only. I'm sorry, I guess I should call it Nicholas Sparks' The Last Song. If Stephen King is the Big Mac of literature, Sparks must be the rice cracker. Why can't he take the long hiatus that John Grisham took? Aren't we overdue? Haven't we earned that?

The Runaways - Personally, I think Debi Mazar would've been a better choice to play Joan Jett, don't you folks?

Little Miss Sunshine - With Bryan Cranston as Stan Grossman

Fargo - With Larry Brandenburg as Stan Grossman

The Women - With Meg Ryan as Sally Struthers

Dolores Claiborne - Tortured sister of Liz

See Dick Run - Oh, Kel. What happened, man? You and Kenan were such a pair on Nickelodeon all those years. Now Kenan's the new black Farley, and you're reduced to dreck like this. Good thing I stopped by Hollywood Video before they went out of business; otherwise, I might never have looked it up on the IMDb!

Auteur Watch - Tamra Davis

Sorry, gotta keep this short too, so let me just cut to the chase and say the 90s. That's her favorite decade. CB4. Billy Madison. Half Baked. Her TV epitaph will probably be "The director of Billy Madison has died..." Not to be morbid, but... what? I said I have to keep it short! My cat's blocking the computer monitor again. He's kinda needy that way.

Extreme training...

Sorry, FarmVille, gotta leave you behind for a little while. Welp, I've left myself high and dry again, so let's just keep this real short. Let me just say this about Hot Tub Time Machine: the spin doctors over at The Rotten Tomatoes Show want uniformity in how the critics feel about their movies, but the main critics agree: it's a delightful tongue-in-cheek romp, and it looks like it's actually going to make some damn money! Maybe not The Hangover money, but money nonetheless. And like The Hangover, HTTM is proving to be a boon for a Daily Show alum. The Bounty Hunter slips slightly to #4, surpassing even my expectations. Is it just me, or does Gerard Butler look like Tom Green's brother? And of course, another Dreamworks Pixar film takes the #1 spot, big surprise there. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta drain the lizard...