Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Emergency Auteur Watch: McT - No Tapping!

For those of you in the Red States, and for that matter the Blue ones as well, if you thought Hollywood was some kind of wiretap-free Green Zone, today is the day that that illusion has been shattered. And who better to bring down that curtain than that mega-Action superstar director, the man who made and braided... let me rephrase. The man who single-handedly makes and breaks genres over his knee like so much kindling, the action man's Oliver Stone, it's the Mighty Mighty MacT! The only director in recent memory who had two films open against each other, within two weeks! Eaters of the Dead and that remake thingie with that wicked-ass Nina Simone song featured in the climactic climax. Not even King Midas has pulled that one off! (Except maybe for Always and IJ3...) Currently working on Crash Bandicoot: the Motion Picture... hmm! Sounds a little like they want to call it Crash Raiders. Also sounds like we wanted to revisit the Medicine Man locales li'l bit. Also working on something called Deadly Exchange, which may be about this current news episode! Ronald Shusett? Must be based on a Philip K. Dick short story, too.
Anyway, back to the episode at hand. Damn you, Tony Pellicano! How many more lives must you ruin? Well, I'm not taking the rap for you this time, or any time! And neither is McT, damn it! Okay, so he wanted to try to figure out why Rollerball ate it at the Box Office. I tell ya, it was Red Mountain's fault! Also because it was a soft PG-13, not a hard PG-13. As we all know, a film has to have a $100 million budget to qualify for the hard PG-13. The original was R, which today might be PG-13, but in these instances you have to either match the rating of the original or go it one better. Case in point: The Ladykillers, which at least managed to crack the Top 10. And while we're on the subject: let me give another shout to NCFOM. Javier! Trust me. Do this movie. I suggest taking the part of Chigurh, but you'll have to be in better shape than you were for Collateral. Believe me! Just being associated with this project has already helped your career. But that Pedro el Negro stuff, pure gold. You may get through to those yet who still can't stop quoting Pulp Fiction. You're the new Raul Julia, my man!! Get used to it.
D'oh, got off track again. Anyway, from what I can gather from the story, Mr. McT hired Pelican-O to wiretap Karl Rove. First of all, big mistake. Don't mess with Texas, or this White House. Even if you're one of the Pioneers, there's no tapping the big boys. They do the tapping. Second, ...oh, I'm sorry. It's a producer named Charles Roven. Sounds like he's to McT what Jean Doumanian was to Woody Allen: the scapegoat for diminishing box office returns. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he's got Batman Begins 2 irons in the fire! Kewl! Sounds like HE should be doing the wire-tapping!
Man, is it past my bedtime. Anyway, the story I read also said "Allegations against Pellicano include tapping the phone of actor Sylvester Stallone and having police run the names of comedians Garry Shandling and Kevin Nealon through a government database." That's funny, because I was just thinking about that bit today that Kevin did a long time ago, when he was young and hungry... well, young, anyway. Would you rather... for example, would you rather be indicted for wiretapping an associate of John McTiernan (McT) ... or, would you rather someone accidentally read that you dug up dirt for Steven Seagal? Yo, a big time Aikido action star and you need someone to change your diapers for you? I thought you always wanted to be a wiseguy! How is dat gonna help? Incidentally he's slated to play at the Tractor on May 27th in beautiful upstate Seattle! Seagal and his Seagal-ettes. I'm told all his martial arts buddies will fill the audience, ringers, if you will. So if you want to come down and hear some geniune Mississippi Delta blues, you can forget it because his martial arts buddies will be there to maintain order. It's gonna make Altamont look like a day care center! ...A NORMAL day-care center!!

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