The Three Stooges' "One Week"

Yeah, isn't Buster Keaton's 'One Week' a classic? Some might call it epic. Some may even go so far as to brand it iconic; personally, I'm getting tired of the word 'iconic' and its chronic overusage on the web. Besides, icons like Keaton are only allowed to have one iconic film, and any film buff worth his weight in salt will tell you that it's when he played "Bwana" in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini. Gumby did the title sequence! The point being is that the Stooges ripped off a lot of their fellow comedians, but I suppose history and DVD sales have been all too forgiving. And besides! The haircuts were definitely original. So let's dive back into The Sitter Downers, in which the One Week formula is given the "modern" touch of a sit-down strike, combined with their trademark violent sense of "humour."
We start innocently enough with a ribald introductory "Preface" title card, as was common with most Laurel and Hardy shorts. We see the boys emerge from a nondescript flower shop, and each gets a bouquet of flowers. Even the dog's got a flower in its mouth. We pause on the dog to wait for the audience laugh. They then go to get the car out of the shop. This sequence is too good to spoil, so you're just going to have to see it for yourself. God bless you, 5150Daruis, whoever and wherever you are! I'm just glad the ASPCA hasn't watched this movie, that's all I'm saying. The boys arrive at the place where they're going to use the flowers: their sweethearts' home. It doesn't matter so much what their sweethearts' names are. Just know that they rhyme. Sorry: SPOILER ALERT! The Stooges propose marriage. The father refuses, and lands a nice right hook on Moe's kisser with the kitchen door. The great elocutor of his time, James C. Morton, plays the long suffering father. The idea of a sit-down strike is bourne. The idea of Curly sitting on a comedy pin cushion is also introduced. It eventually happens, of course, and the film is padded out to length by Moe and Larry extracting pins from Curly's ass, one painful one at a time. Curly shares his anguish by using Father in Law's ears to hang on to. Why not, I say!
The local paper, scraping the bottom of the barrel for a front page story, covers the Stooges' matrimony-based sit down strike. A compassionate nation feels the boys' pain and sends fan mail to Morton's home. Amongst the fan mail is an offer for a lot once the boys get married, and an offer for a free house kit... much like the one in One Week!!! I'm just sayin'. The exasperated father calls the governor, but to no avail. A Justice of the Peace happens to be in the home, and the father caves. The boys are getting married. But who's going to marry who? To show what props the girls are in this film, their name pins are placed in a hat and the boys draw lots. Larry gets the fat chick. Ah, gone are the days when she was pining for a boyfriend.
Act Two: the boys arrive on the back of a truck with their wives and lumber for the house in tow. The truck stops calmly so they don't comically fall off the truck. They find out that they have to build the house themselves. The second sit-down strike is bourne. At the end of Pt. 1 on YouTube, the truck driver gets a nasty bump on the head as it drives off, rudely and loudly dumping its load of lumber. The boys' hats fall off the pile, for Gawd's sake! Cut to the next scene, and the boys are having a sit-down strike on top of a sad-looking structure that I hope is not supposed to be their house. The wives tell them to come down. The boys refuse. The fat one gets them down by knocking down part of the structure. The boys' stunt doubles fall down, then get right back up. Damn, do they take a licking and ask for seconds. The fat girl gets a laugh by swinging a piece of lumber to hit the boys with, but ends up hitting the two other wives instead.
The boys get to work. Moe ends up chasing Larry, and the ol' "ruining wet cement" recurring gag is set up. Think of the cement as the glass doors that keep getting broken in Men in Black. Another recurring gag is set up in this chase sequence: Larry runs around a comically large pile of lumber. Will it eventually fall over on one or more of the Stooges? I'll give you a hint. No. What are you, crazy? It's not funny if a Stooge is killed! Just when they get hurt real bad. Sorry, SPOILER ALERT. Anyway, sound analysis time. Maybe it's not this way on the DVD, but Curly's comic whining from 1:37 to 1:42 in Pt. 2 gets repeated immediately afterward, at about 1:44 to 1:49! Damn you, OU812-Dronius!!! Larry takes a chance to exploit Moe's incapacity, but not for long, and the chase continues, going by the cement a third time, this time with the wives close behind. The cement gag rears its ugly head after a stunt worthy of Rube Goldberg... okay, maybe a tenth of a Rube Goldberg.
Act Three: Curly's Dilemma. Curly wakes from his barrel-induced slumber, and chops his way out of the cement with a tiny axe. Just go with it. He emerges with two large concrete shoes. Meanwhile, the house looks even shittier than ever. Curly apparently accidentally burned the blueprint, as Moe explains to Larry. Larry's probably not helping matters much, as he's set himself to the hard task of sawing all the lumber which, according to him, is all too long. The Stooges always help out a fellow Stooge, and Moe tries to get the concrete off Curly's feet. Eventually, holes are bored into the concrete, and dynamite inserted. And then, an explosion! We see a piece of concrete fall into a bucket of water. Seinfeld/CYE fans, take note: there are no small details. Moe and Larry think Curly's dead: time for the old "he owed me a dollar" gag. The wives gather around the smoldering crater. Curly yells from a tall tree: forget about that dollar. For comedic reasons, Curly's new bride tells him to get out of that tree. She grabs a tall piece of lumber and starts pushing it into his grill. Eventually, he falls out of the tree and lands on his new bride! Fortunately, this is not real life, and she's not dead, but she was knocked unconscious by about 400 pounds of falling Stooge. I'm including acceleration into the weight for good measure. Enter the bucket of water from before, and ... yup! She gets hit with water AND a chunk of concrete. Genius. This is probably one of the reasons I haven't seen this one a million times. Just not fanciful enough.
EPILOGUE. The house is finished. And since this is a comedy, we find it to be a comedic work of art, on a par with the house built for Ned Flanders by all of Springfield after the big hurricane... I forget which episode. Classic line: those aren't steps, those are shelves! The fat chick finds fault with a lode-bearing post, gives it a good tug, and down comes the house. Sigh. So much effort put into five seconds of film.

Good double bill with: Pardon my Backfire. Note the age disparity between the old Stooges and their young brides-to-be.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Lawrence and Mark Kasdan

What a wild ride it's been. And just as Bob Zemeckis hung around the set of Close Encounters like a pest, so must have Lawrence Kasdan been like a third wheel to George Lucas, but it paid off! Even better than David Lynch who was going to be saddled with the untidy duty of directing Return of the Jedi! Why, no one remembers who did that!
I have an unfair advantage here, as I watched the Encore "The Directors" special about Kasdan, so I'm going to go ahead and say that it was the 80s that was his favorite decade. He was young, dumb and full of... hope for his ceiling-less future! Hits, bombs, the guy can do no wrong! He even got a purple mohawk while he was directing Body Heat. You know, just because he could. He didn't go as far as Lee Tamahori wearing fishnet stockings, but it was pretty radical at the time. He almost got thrown off the studio lot a couple times. But once he sat in that director's chair, it just felt too good, and he's been there ever since.
Then it was the go-go 90s. What a sad state of affairs it is when Grand Canyon is more beloved than Boyz 'n the Hood... or is it? I wouldn't know. But I do know that John Singleton seems to have steered very, very clear of BntH-type territory lately. Kasdan was part of the great screenplay purge of 1992. I guess the studio had to clear their books or something. Trespass, Toys, The Bodyguard, all those 25-year old screenplays written by now-famous directors... they all had to go, but Trespass and The Bodyguard would be handled by different directors instead. Kasdan tried to recapture that Dances with Wolves magic with Kevin Costner and Wyatt Earp. I guess Costner wanted part of it as well. They should've gone the HBO miniseries route, but warmer heads prevailed. What a sad state of affairs it is when Tombstone is the... you get the idea. And once you make a film like Wyatt Earp, sometimes you just want to do a simple film like French Kiss... I assume, I sure wouldn't know how that works. And then, once you do a film like French Kiss, you take a break for 4 years to write your Ph.D. dissertation, or the filmic equivalent: the Anti-Grand Canyon, Mumford. Was I the only one who liked that movie? Then I'll move on.
The 2000s were bad for a lot of people, and I'm assuming for Kasdan as well. He thought he was doing America's Next Top Shawskank Redemption, but he drank too much of the Stephen King Kool-Aid, I'm afraid. I've beaten this dead horse before, but there's two Stephen Kings. There's the Shawshank Redemption Stephen King... and then there's everything else: Graveyard Shift, Pet Sematary, Christine, what have you. All the stuff Rob Reiner didn't do, basically. That's where Dreamcatcher comes in. But it makes a nice commentary on the horror that was the Dubya decade. Everyone will know that Dubya tried to make Iraq eat a dog turd... someday. We're too busy trying to dig our way out of this recession to care.
Oh, and Lawrence has a brother, Mark. Poor guy. Got cut out of Silverado, and swore he'd never work with Larry again. But he decides to mend the fences and go back to work with his bro. On what? Dreamcatcher! Well, that tears it. See you in another 18 years, if at all!!!

Horrible Titles

Welp, as much of a sign as Transformers 3 is of the downfall of our culture, the end of literacy, what have you... some people just can't get enough! And I don't think it's the same people who buy Ann Coulter's books in bulk to get them onto the prestigious New York Times Best Seller list... maybe it'd be cheaper for Pat Robertson to just come up with his own best seller list. Or is that defeating the purpose? Of course, Transformers isn't making Dark Knight money or Spider Man 2 money, as in they're not counting the number of hours it took for it to get to 100 million, 200 million, etc. Still, it'll break even in a month or two, that's the bottom line. Meanwhile, at #2, it's Horrible Bosses. For Kevin Spacey, it's pure profit. Swimming with Sharks 2, if you will. So been there done that. I'm assuming Jamie Foxx is at the point in his career where, when someone asks him why we don't have a Wanda movie, even HE goes "That's just not a good idea." Mostly to rub it in Keenen Ivory Wayans' face. As for the title of Horrible Bosses, I can see the DVD documentary now: either the producer or director's going to say "Well, we were trying to think of a title, so we started with the premise of the film. It's a comedy about horrible bosses, so one of the writers put 'Untitled Mean Bosses Comedy' on the script. Then it got changed to 'Horrible Bosses' after we met with the copyright lawyers and... I dunno! It just kinda stuck!" And stick it will, especially in the Japanese market. At the big premiere, no one could tell Jason Bateman and Jason Sudeikis apart. I thought Sudeikis was a comedian! Was this not the perfect opportunity for him to play a horrible boss? Make it like his "Two A-holes" character? Oh no, he's still got to be the cool leading man. He's got a few good years left to do it, too, so might as well live them up, am I right?
In other cool news, the latest Untitled Chris Farley... Kevin James Film debuts at #3. At least Nick Bakay's found a niche other than at the sports commentary trough. Still... I hope he's holding his nose a bit. Zookeeper of course was filmed on crappy looking digital video tape, and somehow that's the perfect medium for it. I hope TGI Friday's goes out of business. And that's it for this week's debuts, so I... am... outta here.

Three Men and a Lame Horse

This isn't one I've seen a million times, but maybe it's time to start, who knows? We start with an establishment with a good comedy name: The Flounder Inn. Priceless. Technically, it's just a restaurant, but never mind. It was the Depression, baby. Everything was an inn. Except Bob Dole's house, of course. The very idea! They had to take in boarders! Then the Democrats had to go to war with Germany and all... but that's a later Stooge film.

PART ONE

We see Curly cooking in the kitchen. Usually not a good sign, but he always dresses the part at least. He's got that big white hat, so he must be a cook. He cuts a potato with a real knife. The knife isn't used for a gag in the scene. Curly makes chicken soup by pouring hot water onto a cooked chicken, and into a bowl. I hope this was a bad chicken soup recipe by Depression-Era standards. For that matter, I hope the whole restaurant was. I mean, inn. But Larry gets his share of the fun. He rings up a fat man's bill by looking at the stains on his tie and on the inside of his coat. Larry asks the customer his opinion of the meal. It's not glowing, to say the least. I thought that fat man would at least give kudos to the custard pie, but really, it's not good to encourage a Stooge to stay employed as a cook for too long. Larry tries to stay upbeat, and instructs the man to tell all his friends about the restaurant. Larry takes the coins from the man, and puts all of them into the till... because Moe's there, watching. This is big-time character development for Larry. Why, second to He Cooked His Goose, this may be the most Larry-rific Stooge short of all!
This one has some great scripting in it. The fat man and Larry all talk about the same menu items, and Moe asks a particularly poetic question. Larry says, "Why did we get into the restaurant business, anyway?" Moe replies, "Why don't catfish have kittens?" Now, I'm no marine biologist ... man, they'll give just about anything a Wikipedia page these days... but I think they're called 'smolts.' Meanwhile, Curly keeps eating peanuts at every available opportunity. This pays off later... sort of.
Damn, I'm getting hungry. Curly also cuts off the sole of a boot and cooks it. He sifts some flour on it, and the camera dollies in on him to accentuate the horror of it all. You know, this episode reminds me of a pizza place I used to live near in Seattle. It was called Andre's, and I ordered a slice. The crust was decent enough, but it looked like something I could make. It had one thin layer of cheddar on it. Looked like the bastard child of one of those pizza recipes on the back of a Chef Boyardee can. Now, I can't read people too good, but I got the feeling that Andre either a) knew the pizza was sh... not that good, or b) just didn't care anymore. He was close to retirement age. It's a sushi place now. As far as I know. Haven't been to that corner of Seattle in a while.
Anyway, back to the important comedy proceedings at hand. I want to get this over with while it's fresh, and I don't want to cost the state of Florida any more than they've already spent on this. The peanut gag is further compounded by the fact that there are trays of mints, peanuts and hot chili peppers by the cash register. One unfortunate white guy tries some peppers. Cut to the next scene, where he lets go of a mouthful of cigarette smoke, pretending he burnt his mouth. Not bad. He grabs the nearest thingamajig of water and starts chugging... and THAT'S the very sound effect in Super 8 I was talking about! Somebody get on that right away! The guy gets to do it again in the scene, so that's TWO mouthfuls of smoke for one pepper. Not bad. The other gentleman with him seems vaguely Mexican, and has a generous helping of the hot peppers. See also: Mexican Joyride with Daffy Duck. Ol' Art Davis must've remembered this film... or maybe it's just such a universal gag. If they were savvy businessmen, they'd charge an arm and a leg for the water.
Enter Act Two: Because of budget constraints, the bad guys that set the plot in motion are customers of the Stooges. They do the dog as a hot dog gag... or at least the good half of it. For the whole half, see Malice in the Palace. At 5:28, Curly yells at a dog that's trying to steal all the weiners, and he uses his REAL VOICE! Frankly, it's unsettling, but I can't get enough of it. One of the bad guys gets a big laugh when he says "Never mind that hot dog," but screw it. He's the bad guy. Doesn't deserve it. The conceit is bourne: the bad guys will sell off their bad horse to the Stooges in exchange for the restaurant. Moe goes three rounds with the swinging doors and handily loses. As the Stooges leave, they try to take some stuff with them. Curly tries in vain to make off with his beloved tin of peanuts, but ends up spilling them. The two bad guys are ruthless businessmen and see through the Stooges' pathetic attempts to cut and run. But Curly manages to make off with some peanuts from the bins next to the cash register and... yup, you saw it coming a mile away.

PART TWO

The Stooges go to meet their horse. It's one of those comedy horses with a bowed back. Only Curly seems to care about the horse's welfare. Curly is ordered to go and walk the horse around the track. Moe and Larry look for a clock to time the horse. There's one in their suitcase. Now, for all you guys out there, Moe and Larry show us all how to empty a suitcase. I mean, REALLY empty it! Proper like. And of course, the seemingly simple act of taking a clock out of a suitcase just can't be simple in a Stooge film. Larry goes for the gusto by saying "How time flies!" A face with an unruly mop of hair on it just begging to be slapped, if ever there was one.
Now for more complex plotting. Curly goes for some of those "peanuts" in his jacket pocket. He's got a big handful of the hot pepperinos in his hand. The horse goes to eat them. The horse's mouth burns up. Apparently, it was legal at the time for horses to smoke cigars. The horse runs off at less than 12 frames per second to find a source of water. The Stooges move slowly to compensate. Moe then eats some of the peppers. Now, for all you germophobes out there, let me repeat that... The horse just ate peppers out of Curly's hand. Moe then eats some of those same peppers. Then Curly after that. And I thought Pink Flamingos was bad. Larry doesn't have his "pepper run" moment, but he perhaps does it one better. Moe, in anger, of course, shoves a big handful of peppers into Larry's mouth. Larry screams for water... just like that other one about the big French clothing shop inheritance! Anyway, Larry looks for water, but Moe, Curly and the horse have already emptied the nearest trough of water. Larry grabs a big jug of something and starts chugging. Larry screams, "It's kerosene!!!" The horse has a strangely anthropomorphic laugh over it. Frankly, I was a little insulted at the time that Larry didn't spit fire after drinking kerosene, but sometimes you shouldn't have it all. And on top of that, it was the Depression, you know!
Act Three. The day of the big race approaches. Larry further pads his part, as he's the jockey who will ride Thunderbolt to victory... maybe. I guess I forgot to mention that. The horse is named Thunderbolt. Now, the simple act of getting onto a horse is not so simple in a Stooge film. Moe and Curly attempt to throw Larry up onto the horse, but Larry flies backwards, and a very very thin straw stunt double lands ass-first onto a pitchfork. A fatter, but still kinda thin, stunt double of Larry stands up, pitchfork still in ass, and starts running around like an idiot, alternately screaming and calmly asking for help in removing said pitchfork. Frankly, that's just sloppy sound editing. When Larry first lands on the pitchfork, he kinda sounds like Joe Flaherty to me, but I haven't the time nor the resources to properly draw the connection. This must be the part of the film that's padded out for time... oh, right, the big race. Anyway, there's a big comedy horse race, the horse eats peppers, runs the wrong direction, and Curly and Moe have to act as the proverbial mechanized bunny in a dog race, holding a bucket of water for the horse to drink. Moe and Curly then just HAPPEN to stumble upon a motorcycle with sidecar. Curly gets in, holds the bucket of water on a stick, while Moe drives, and guess what? Is there any doubt that this horse race was over before it started? Well, sometimes you gotta earn your happy ending by writing it yourself. Frankly, W.C. Fields couldn't have done much better. The Stooges each end up with a whole thanksgiving turkey in front of them. Curly at least spills his drink in a comical fashion. The horse also enjoys some nice oats on a silver trough-shaped platter. You know, this all reminds me of a Warner brothers cartoon... I'll never be able to find it the way I'm Googling it, that's for sure. Anyway, it's a boxing match between a giant guy and a wimpy guy. At one point, they start going around the ring, acting like a child's choo choo train. It gets cut abruptly short, and the big boxer says "Why you not like my choo choo?" I may never forget that for as long as I live. But the reason I bring this up is because there's some device that helps the wimpy guy win against the big musclebound boxer. I hesitate to call him a thug, for some reason, but I guess that's what he is. The wimpy guy wins the match, and the trophy goes to... the device that helped the wimpy guy win! Why can't more of these kinds of films end like that?

Good double bill with: The Longshot

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Alix and Luke C. Jackson

I've just realized! The whining noise that my computer makes is starting to get to me. Probably because I'm getting older than I've ever been, and now I'm even older... probably because, unlike other people, my senses are getting sharper with old age, or maybe I've seen one too many superhero movies lately. Or, probably because the whining my computer makes is starting to waver in a sine wave style fashion, as if someone's driving and hitting the brakes constantly. Perhaps it's my hard drive trying to warn me of an impending crash. Anyway, back to the biz @ hand here. I think I'm doing the wrong Jacksons this week, but what the hell. Here's a couple: Alix and Luke C. Nice to see someone in Hollywood who's not thematically ambitious for a change. Clearly Alix is the alpha brother; vis a vis, the clearly longer IMDb résumé. And clearly the 2000s are their favorite decade. It's probably not going to get much better than that.

A perfect end to a perfect trilogy

...or is it? I'm taking a big risk by not including the ellipsis in the banner headline, of course, especially these days. I heard this story about an anti-Sarah Palin comment that had a favorable first paragraph, so the righties ignored it. But I always knew there was something kinda gay about that whole moon landing in '69! Thank God Michael Bay finally shed his camera lens on the topic. I mean, did you SEE those astronauts back then? They got no abs! They're totally uglers... is that a sick new slang word yet? Let me check urbandictionary.com, my go-to resource for... DAMN IT! Sisty Uglers! I'll never stake a claim in this life. On the other hand, thank GOD for urbandictionary.com! "Ugleh" is far worse than "ugly." Somehow I always knew subconsciously that that was the case. I also would've accepted "uggers" but somehow it doesn't sound as good... and as I search for it on urbandictionary.com, I realize now it's a gateway slang word I've heard I should try to steer clear from, so let us leave the world of the teen Valley gurl behind for now.
But seeing as how they're already working on Toy Story 4, the only question is who gets credit for the big Transformers 4 plot. Why not go the Super 8 route? A group of five young kids are trying to make a movie, when suddenly... the big shoot's interrupted by a... a big plane crash! Train's been done to death already. The robots escape. They have to be the good robots, otherwise the kids'd all be dead meat. There's plenty of time for surrogate parenting later. The big escape is on. Flash back to 1066, and we see a Transformer shoot the arrow that won the decisive victory in ye olde Britain. We then see Transformers rowing Viking boats, kidnapping all the pretty women and fleeing to Sweden. We see Transformers vanquish the first Mayflower ship, but ultimately powerless to stop the invading horde of greedy white people. We see a Transformer making the first cave paintings in France. We see a Decepticon cause the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. It's kind of funny, actually. The big takeaway: NEVER leave a Transformer alone with a can of beans! We see Transformers engaging in some sort of a ritual battle at a big national museum... perhaps at night, if you will. We see a Transformer interrupt the joining of the Trans-Continental Railroad... oh, right. We watch in wonder as Transformers co-author the Magna Carta, drop an apple on Isaac Newton's head, and help Martin Luther nail his parchment on that door way back when. We boo and hiss as Decepticons crash our U2 spy plane, put sawdust scrapings into our tins of meat, and rig the 2000 election. We watch further in horror as Decepticons write the script for Transformers 2... that's the only logical explanation, right? We see an Autobot, wounded in battle, stick its arm into a rock, and leave behind a big, glowing, sword-shaped shard, thereby creating the Arthur legend. And, of course, we can't help but laugh when the small, nerdy Autobot with scotch-taped glasses (voiced by Eddie Deezen) gets refused by National Guard recruiters! A little something for everybody.
And then, in a Mt. Doom-ish setting, the iconic, epic, iconic final battle. An army of '57 Chevys on one side (Autobots), and '58 Edsels on the other (Decepticons) drive out as fast as possible to the middle of the battlefield, transform, and start beating the sh... stuffing out of one another! A giant tunneling Transformer emerges from under the ground, shooting fire out of its ass. Robot parts flying everywhere, getting buried in the sides of cliffs, melting the rock from the temperatures hotter than the sun's surface. I've heard it's only 5000 Kelvin or so on the surface, but millions underneath. And finally, by the end of Transformers 4, when the last photogenic reel has been run through the damn projector, the profession of moviemaking itself finally decides to retire. From now on, it's just knitting sweaters for the grandkids and the occasional film preservation job. Pro bono, of course, because filmmaking is very white glove, and washes its hands of the dirty, untidy business of coin. How the people in Ayn Rand novels don't mind being defined by how much money they have, well, it's just beyond me AND the profession of filmmaking. Didn't they watch Fight Club? You are not your bank account! You're just an a-hole!
Something like that. What else? Wow! Two other debuts? Well, you gotta hand it to X-Men: First Class a mere four weeks ago. No other debuts were able to squeeze in when it made the box office its b'eatch. Not Transformers 3! We also got Lawrence Crowne and Monte Carlo to contend with! I hate to cast aspersions... I think that's how you spell aspersions. It's spelled how it looks, right? Anyway, someone sent me a link of George Carlin on The Daily Show twelve years ago. They mentioned that Disney has taken over Times Square, and George pointed out that it was merely a change of hustlers. Well, while Monte Carlo isn't a Disney film per se, they did loan out Selena Gomez to Fox... and for good reason! Oh, right, I missed the cowboy boots. Oh dear, I guess I'm just turning into a dirty old man. Or maybe there's no maybe about it. As for Larry Crowne, well, if Adam Sandler can make a turd like Grown Ups, why not someone else for a change? But Tom has to up the ante a little bit, and buy all his co-stars a new eco-friendly house, with the whole nine yards: solar panels, composting toilet, rainwater encroachment. In yo face, Ed Begley Jr.!

Short Reviews - June 2011

Every once in a while, a trial comes along that grips the attention of a nation. The only question in my mind is: is Jennifer Love Hewitt too old to play young Casey Anthony? Not to me. I think she can do it.

Royal Flash - Pomp and Circumstance... just like Clockwork Orange.

Stigmata - It's a Catholic thing. You wouldn't understand... frankly, most Catholics don't either!

Nuns on the Run - ...but this will help explain it.

In the Line of Fire - ...Banya?

Blue Denim - Ah, the dark ages before Bristol Palin's Abstinence Only programs.

Horrible Bosses - With this and Fred Claus... is Kevin Spacey on a slippery slope? Or is it just a Swimming With Sharks remake?

Puss in Boots - The one with Christopher Walken's the only one for me

Zookeeper - Best ad for T.G.I. Friday's ever

Last Holiday - The scene where Timothy Hutton climbs out onto the ledge and threatens to jump... that wasn't in the script. He actually just realized he made a huge mistake and wanted to end it all. The director decided to just go with it, and the cameras sprung into action, as did the cast and crew. Strange, because no one seems to be taking it very seriously!

Remember Me - Now, check this out... He's recovering from his brother's suicide, and she's recovering from her mother's murder. He's played by Robert Pattinson, and she by... whoever. Did I mention it's Robert Pattinson? The hunk of the year... even though Johnny Depp's the sexiest man alive. And frankly, between Jack Sparrow and Alice in Wonderland, Depp's in danger of losing his street cred. But the main thing is, you've got a grieving Edward Cullen ready to lose himself in some serious grief sex, and Remember Me is only rated PG-13? What kind of a ripoff is that? This should be NC-17 at least. All those photogenic young people, all the pent-up sexual frustration front-loaded into the plot... what a ripoff of a lifetime.

Return to Me - A classic. I think they have an ad for it in Cars 2. As they should, of course.

Fired Up - Actually, shouldn't it be spelled F.Y. to be grammatically correct? Or abbreviationally correct?... forget it, Vic. It's F.U. Town.

Larry Crowne - Last Chance Hanksy?

In the Line of Fire - If there's an actor more annoying than Fred Dalton Thompson, I don't wanna see it.

Falling Down - This is why standup comedians shouldn't have guns.

Mars Needs Moms - Earth doesn't need Mars Needs Moms... should've stuck with the Bloom County movie idea, guys.

Your Highness - Your box office lowness

Arthur - To get the proper demographic these days, you should've made Arthur a tweeker

Prom - A bomb? According to Jam Showbiz it cost only $8 million to produce. A lotta photogenic kids out there willing to work for not a lotta money. God bless Capitalism with a capital C!

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer - The film's producers must be having a bummer summer, though. But they produced "Precious" so they should be used to that.

Green Lantern - They left off the "The" at their own peril

The Beaver - Between Mel's divorce, The Beaver bombing and, well, being Mel Gibson... Mel's having a rough life these days!

Enter Moe's Matrix...

Finally! A Stooge film I'm half-assed familiar with. However, it's been a while since I've seen it, and it kinda didn't hold up too well for me. If I were a better writer, I could explain that this one's even more juvenile than the average Stooge film. Or maybe it relies on Hollywood clichés too heavily. Allow me to explain, if you've nothing better to do.
We see the three knuckleheads driving home from a prospecting trip gone bust, with their trusty donkey in the car with them. They've got a flat tire, and just enough gas to make it home. It's the midst of the Depression, mind you, and the boys weren't afraid to show off their proletarian roots, unlike some high-falutin' comedy teams I can't remember the name of. I guess the Marx brothers were doing pretty well despite the stock market crash, but they never ... SPOILER ALERT... they never lived in a city dump in one of their movies, as near as I can tell. The closest they got to tough times was sitting on a park bench. Then again, the Stooges picked the Marx brothers comedy pockets on many an occasion, so it's all balanced out now! Anyway, they drive to their "home" - the city dump, when they realize that someone's living in their city dump shack. Ready to give them the eye gouging treatment they deserve, they realize it's a little kid and his mother. Oscar time, anyone? To further "golden statuette" matters, the kid needs an operation on his leg. Well, as Sam Kinison might observe, LIVING IN A DUMP REALLY HELPS!!! OH, OH, OHHHHHHHHHHH! But, fortunately, this isn't The Grapes of Wrath, and the kid doesn't get a secondary infection from all that dump garbage.
Anyway, the Stooges look for a new tire for their car, find a can full of money, and start looking for more cans full of money. Curly spends a lot of this film making noises of frustration, but it's almost worth it for the end when he makes noises of excitement. Anyway, as you might have guessed... yup, it's money for the kid's operation that mum and the kid were saving. The American health care system hasn't changed all that much, has it? Now, this is where the blatant FDR propaganda comes in, and any Tea Partiers reading this might want to risk being offended and switch to something else... I know, famous last words, right? Gotta do it smart, like Lisa Simpson. She saved Homer from eating that deadly eclair by saying it was low fat. Hard to say if that type of reasoning would work on your die-hard Tea Partier, though. Well, just think of it as a free pass into enemy territory. Anyway, the Stooges suddenly become Democratic puppets at this point. You can practically see FDR sticking his hand in their keisters, and manipulating their brains with his gloved hands when Moe says "Aw, lady, why don't you put your money in the bank?" But the writers, fortunately, pull us back from the New Deal civics lesson, as the Stooges themselves decide to put the money in the bank for the mom and kid. They run afoul of some clearly liberal gangsters who finagle the money out of the Stooges' hands with the promise of easy riches. Why do the liberals always cannibalize their own kind? Tisk, tisk. Pish posh and tish tosh. Begin Act Two, I guess.
Act Two: the Stooges are now in possession of the proverbial magic beans: a "treasure" map that says "Walla Walla" with an X. The crooks drop the Stooges off at a house, telling them the money's within. The boys start tearing up the walls of the house, or the "walla"s. The image is of Moe getting his head stuck in a walla, and a wooden beam drops on his neck. I couldn't help but think of the first Matrix movie when everyone's in the wall in a similar situation... wonder if the Wachowskis were similarly influenced. Anyway, for those of you who were disappointed by the lack of genuine digging in Cactus Makes Perfect, for example, you'll be relieved that some genuine digging gets done here. On the other hand, CMP's not about the destination. It's about the journey! And the dude who plays the Stooges mother... something like that. We'll get to it later, though, and if I were better at math, I could pinpoint the exact week. Someone else do it for me, huh?
Anyway, MORE SPOILERS. Even though the Stooges traffic in dumb humour, they're still kinda smart some of the time. In this case, however, it suffers from a dumbness of plot. The climax is my main beef: the house they're digging around in just HAPPENS to be next door to a U.S. Treasury vault. The Stooges dynamite the adjacent wall, walk into the vault and, not realizing who's money they're taking, start taking money. Larry stuffs his pants til they drop... I'm sorry, 'til he has pants on the ground. Curly goes mental on a big stack of gold bars, while Moe riffles through a big stack of bills. The Treasury agents are slow to react, but just fast enough to catch the boys as they start to prepare for a second trip. The Stooges get caught. One of the agents says "Why, you'll get life for this!" Next scene: The White House, where the Stooges and the mom 'n kid are standing in front of the President. The President has his back to us, but the back of his head kinda looks like FDR! Cannery Row spared almost no expense. One more warning for any Tea Partiers reading this: if you've stuck through it this far, well, it's just going to get worse. The President gives the Stooges executive clemency... Curly says "Oh, no! Not that!" Moe explains it to him. And just to rub more salt into the Job Creators' constantly running sore, the President says HE'S going to pay for the kid's operation! Communists! Damn dirty Communists! Too bad McCarthy wasn't invented yet. Needles to say, it's been downhill ever since. Welfare moms, food stamps, paved roads, Social Security... and the Stooges helped make it all happen. People tend to forget that.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Allen and Albert Hughes

Oh, dude! You can't be caught dead with Brett Ratner! Street cred gone! Totally gone!!
But what did it take to get to this point? Well, there's the matter of film school. There's a lot to learn before taking the director's chair at 21! Some are just more ready than others, what can you say. And twin brothers Allen and Albert jumped right into the L.A. riot aftermath with arguably the first rap star movie Menace II Society. Is there a more surefire way to make Americhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifan money than by scaring white people? Their sophomore slump effort was far more upscale, though, and it was called Dead Presidents. Can they take credit for laying the groundwork for All About The Benjamins? Probably not. Anyway, after Dead Presidents flopped with critics and the public, Larenz Tate decided to hitch his wagons elsewhere, and the Hughes dropped out for a while... a long while in filmmaking years. If you don't make a film every 2 years, you become Jim Jarmusch. But they didn't want to be Terrence Malick either, so to capitalize on the whole 1999-2000 craze they did all they could and came out with a documentary called American Pimp. Nothing wrong with being at play in the fields of African American iconography. And they've got enough to cobble together a trilogy! I guess...
Clearly the 90s were the decade of choice for the Hughes. International stardom gained, international stardom subsequently lost, temper tantrums on the set, big budgets, big egos... but the 2000s might prove to be just as good!
Nah... And like most Americans, it was time to look elsewhere for spiritual comfort. George W. Bush looked to Iraq, since he wasn't getting domestic warm fuzzies, and the Hughes brothers finally learned that there's only one thing better than being the token black guy, and that's being the token British guy. From Hell was bourne. Clearly intended as an early swipe at George W. Bush, this is the first project that graphic novelist extraordinaire Alan Moore would have to remove his name from. Will anyone EVER in the history of mankind get it right? Watchmen would come close, but still no Alan Moore cigar. And after that experience went south for the Hugheses, it was time for valuable lesson #2: directing a film is a chump's game. Producing is where it's at. Touching Evil was bourne. Discovering Vera Farmiga: priceless. She's this century's Patricia Clarkson. Can a season in Fosse's Chicago be far behind for Vera? It's a rite of passage for Hollywood women passing into MILF-hood, apparently.
Still, will the 2010s prove to be the bestest decade of them all? Maybe, but I guess Obama in the White House is turning into a mixed blessing for African American directors. Is Spike Lee not jumping for joy? I guess he's not. Besides, the Hugheses stole Denzel away from him for The Book of Eli. Valuable lesson #3: NEVER work with Joel Silver. So much to learn, so little room for error in Hollywood...

Cars are cars, all over the world

Oh, I'm just being lazy now, but I don't know where my copy of License to Drive is. The right image from that, and you've got the themes of the top 2 this week: cars and teachers. As per usual, the latest Pixar venture cleans the box office's clock. The REAL surprise is Bad Teacher at #2! Making 31 million dollars in its opening week, it surely must've covered its budget. As filmmakers are learning these days, damn the critics. Full speed ahead. The era of iconic film criticism is long, long gone. What would Pauline Kael make of all our modern inconveniences? Cell phones and blackberries and guys patrolling the theater with glowing red light sabers, oh my! Don't they understand... the more the critics hate, the more the young people want to see Justin Timberlake in... whatever. As Boo-Boo, as the Napster guy, and as Cameron Diaz's comic foil. A-Rod can't be everywhere all the time, you know!
Well, that's it for the debuts this week. Hangover 2's almost at 300 million; might take a while, though. And we haven't seen a one-weeker in a long time! It's going to be a short list come the end of the year.

Uncivil Cattle Rustler Stoppers

Otherwise known as Goofs and Saddles. When am I going to get to one I can review in my sleep, having seen it on an above average basis? Sigh. Guess it's going to take a while. But that's the nice thing about Stooge films: if you've seen one, you may be seeing footage they'll recycle in several future Stooge films. Hell, they might even use some footage in the upcoming Farrelly brothers Stooge film! Wouldn't THAT be a trip? Or what's the word I'm looking for... a fraud? One or the other.
But back to the film at hand. As in Uncivil Warriors, the Stooges are mistakenly thought to be the only solution to a wartime problem. This time, however, it's probably supposed to be the Reconstruction, and cattle rustling is rampant in the post-Civil War Old West. The Army brass are clearly exceeding their authority here, as they are declaring war on their fellow white man, but that's the premise. Either you'll accept it or you won't. The Stooges make an entrance not quite as grand as they did in Uncivil Warriors and, to rub more salt into someone's wounds, their stunt doubles do the heavy lifting. To be fair, though, it looks like they're dropping actual stunt doubles from the tree above as opposed to dummies. Wottan entrance.
This time, Theodore Lorch, the arch nemesis in Uncivil Warriors, is now giving orders to the Stooges to GET THOSE DAMN CATTLE RUSTLERS! The entire West is depending on them! Lord help us all...

Act One begins in earnest. The Stooges head off to the bad lands. You, the audience member, will be able to tell, because the bad lands are clearly marked with a sign that says "Bad Lands." Off to a good comedy yuk-yuk start. The boys put their ears to the ground to hear who's coming. The boys' heads get run over by a stagecoach. It's going to be that kind of day. To compound matters, Larry blows the mud out of Moe's ears, only to have it hit Curly in the face. Curly is very non-plussed by this revolting development. Well, at least it's not a damn custard pie!

The boys see a couple cattle rustlers about to do their thing. They spring into action and make some hasty decoys out of tree limbs and holly, and proceed to run around in their "ghillie" suits like idiots just long enough for the laugh to die down. Meanwhile, the bad guys get alerted that scouts are on the way to get 'em, so one level of tension is built. Another immediate level is built by a smart dog barking at the ghillie suits. A bad guy idiot thinks the dog's cornered a rabbit, and proceeds to get his gun to shoot at it. Genius!! His plan gets foiled by a smart Stooge. The bad guy's scolded by another bad guy, and is instructed to get some wood for the fire. Genius! Their cover is eventually blown by a hungry donkey. Well, at least one species possesses some smarts 'round these parts. The Stooges' cover is eventually blown, and they run away like idiots at 12 frames per second. They occasionally jump high as they run away to make it look more interesting as the bullets whiz past.

Act Two? Time to meet Longhorn Pete, the alpha bad guy. So alpha, in fact, he's got his own sign on his own saloon. Doesn't get more д than that... close enough. But in this age of relativism and accelerated class warfare, one can't help but feel sorry for the Longhorn Petes of old. A whole empire of cattle rustling to lord over, and all the man wants is to play himself a damn game of cards. Is that so much to ask? ...an HONEST game of cards. See? There has to be SOME government regulation after all! The terrorists win again. Anyway, I think Longhorn Pete is played by that bastard Sergeant from the one pic who beat up the Stooges in not one, but TWO world wars! He deserves what's coming to him, then... could someone else look that up instead of me for a change? Is THAT so much to ask? Meanwhile, the Stooges arive in disguise at said saloon, and proceed to destroy the joint, starting with some comedy break-away mugs filled with delicious hooch. Well, I hope the floor enjoys the occasional glass of beer...

Longhorn Pete, in his mad quest to find the white whale of an honest card game, proceeds to shoot the three non-Stooge poker players in his first game, thereby freeing up room for the Stooges to take their places. They're playing 5 card stud, I guess. Curly seems to have forgotten his dentures, and bets. Fortunately for the Stooges, Longhorn Pete can't see through the Stooges' blatant poker code, or see under the table to spy the Stooges' fancy footwork involved in rigging the game that much further. Sorry, I probably should've said Spoiler Alert there. This is the part where the film is padded out for time, but it's a more solid excuse than I've seen in a while, I'll give them that. They don't skimp on plot developments in the rest of the film, I'll give 'em that, too.
Once the boys give up trying to win that hand after the threat of violence is laid out on the table as an implicit part of the pot, the boys decide to send a message to General Muster via pigeon... once they get out into the hall and see it filled with pigeons. Teachable moment: always know which pigeon you're using. I'll skip the valuable plot details at this point and go right to the big, thrilling chase. The Stooges have an advantage, as they're dragging along a wagon with Curly in it, and a bunch of stuff that just might be good for throwing at pursuing bad guys! Hmmm. But before this happens, Curly gets tortured by a stowaway monkey. Damn dirty apes! Of course, even this advantage the Stooges have gets f... fowled up. There's still three minutes left to go in the film! They end up in a cabin, having to fend off four baddies on horses with guns. Horses with pots and pans on their feet, true, but the baddies still have guns. The baddies start shooting. At 6:42 in part 2 on youtube, Curly gets a bad knock on the head. So bad that it makes the quality of the film a little grayer and brighter than the rest of the film. I hope that bucket had head padding in it. Mmmm... head padding. Anyway, Larry gets a couple bad guys with the ol' window on the neck trick. And then... like that guy who accidentally discovered penicillin, the stroke of genius arrives: Curly's need for hand-ground hamburger produces a machine gun worthy of patenting. Apparently, hunger is the mother of invention after all! Perhaps the mother of violence as well. And violent is the word for Curly, but never mind. It's all connected. The Stooges find a whole belt of bullets to feed it. They only end up knocking off the bad guys' hats, but the bad guys are scared enough to lay down on the ground. Why, the contraption's so simple, a monkey could operate it! Oh, but I give away too much of the plot again...

Book suggestion: Crossing the Next Meridian by Charles Wilkinson

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Close Encounters of the Déjà Vu Kind...

Awright, let's get it over with. Normally I like to get the Stooge film of the week over with, but I also tend to procrastinate. A lot. And I'm in a big hurry to burn some bridges here, so let's tear into it!
First of all, I'm in a double bind here. On the one hand, I don't get out to the movies that much anymore, and I don't want to ruin my free trips. I went to see Super 8 with a dear friend of mine, and they just wanted me to enjoy myself. And on the other hand, I don't want to bad-mouth anything that Spielberg does... okay, maybe just the Transformers movies. And *batteries not included. That was a real stinker. Anyway, before I dig my grave that much deeper, I can't help but wonder if Spielberg himself was holding his nose a bit while watching this blatant homage to his early blockbusting stuff.
Actually, my friend had some complaints of their own! I'll start with those. They said the film kinda took too long to get going, which apparently was kind of the whole point of the exercise. That I could live with. But once it got going, it got a little too busy for my taste. SPOILER ALERT. I don't think I'm giving away too much here, but the film opens with a devastating train crash. A group of kids are at a train station next to where the crash happens. Soon, things are flying, there's traumatic explosions, and the train station itself gets engulfed by flames and flying train cars. The kids are running through explosions and shrapnel and, Heaven forfend, get their faces covered in soot. They go up to the pick-up truck that caused the train wreck. There's a dead man at the wheel... or is he? Did he just survive a head-on collision with a train and the resulting devastating crash? I know, I know... I'm missing the point. The plot points, that is.
I will say this: everything you've heard about the young actors is true. They all do a fine job, especially that Elle Fanning. That kid's going places! At least, until she gets old and goofy looking in a couple years like big sister Dakota. Meantime, she's going to be all right. Check out that long, long résumé. It's probably too early to call it, but... Golden Globe nom? The adults do what they can here, the slaves to the plot they're forced to be. Noah Emmerich does a fine Dennis Quaid impression. He's come a long way since his Truman Show "debut."
Super 8's budget is reported here as $45 million. That either means the dollar's lost a tremendous amount of its value, or the actors all did this for free. A dollar already goes a long way in West Virginia, especially if you're a ruthless coal company. And they've already probably got plenty of tanks roaming the streets as an added bonus! The bulk of the budget must've gone to film stock and film equipment. It's a very slick looking film and the film makers do everything they can to make the films of the period look like period films. However, they probably could've gone the extra mile and cast people that look like circa 80s people, no? I tend to think that J.J. Abrams subscribes to the Michael Bay casting philosophy: all babes, no uglies, and above all... all icons. If you've got an icon-ish face, you're in. Even the fat kid's an icon, damn it! And Shia, I hate to burst your bubble but... meet America's Next Shia LaBeouf!
MORE SPOILERS: As for the plot... I like what one other critic observed; perhaps an Onion hipster or one of the Village Voicers. This is a tribute to early Spielberg, minus the magic. Well, Spielberg did make it harder on all filmmakers, that's for sure. Still, Abrams' 1979 is a little too modern. The alien seems to be a cross-breeding of Transformers and Pan's Labyrinth and, like E.T., just wants to go home. This alien's a little larger than E.T., however. At one point, we see a bunch of dogs running through a gas station, then find out that all the dogs within a big circle on the map have gone missing. I was half-hoping the alien would turn out to be a giant dog. Perhaps like Clifford! No such luck. How retarded of me, frankly. As my friend observed, the film's a mix of E.T., The Goonies... there's even a few shots reminiscent of Spielberg's War of the Worlds. These kids do some fast growing up. If the alien was a real broham, he could've at least given back the pendant, bracelet, whatever. It's not the mirror from Harry Potter, okay? No, no... we've got to learn to let go. And the faster the better, especially given the way Dubya's ruined the country. I know, I know, it's all Obama's fault. Frankly, I feel a bit responsible myself, having voted for Obama, which I plan on doing again in a few months.
And remember, boys and girls! You always have a choice. And despite the many, many reasons not to, I choose to give this negative review. I don't feel so bad about it, though, because given its less than stellar opening at the box office, haven't we all given it a bad review, really? May the film gods have mercy upon us all.

Three Stooges connection: and the film's sound effects editors can back me up on this if they dare... but I swear, when the kids take a break from all the running, the fat kid grabs a delicious beverage and starts drinking it. The sound his drinking makes is the EXACT same sound made countless times by someone drinking a tasty beverage in a Three Stooges joint! Only Spielberg could make that happen, crossing studio boundaries like that.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Warrington and Reginald Hudlin

Sorry, but I had to read about Amy Winehouse's "disastrous" concert in Serbia. What a world we live in! Why are people such haters? Don't they get it? This is what you must do these days to get headlines. Besides, her daddy thought it went fine!
But back to the business at hand with this damn blog. You know, the Coens... Joel and Ethan; there may be others in Hollywood but not to me... the Coens eventually came out of the closet and admitted in their title cards that they both direct. The Hudlins have yet to follow suit. Apparently they did co-direct Cosmic Slop. You know, I'll bet there's an interesting story behind that title. But I get ahead of myself again. It all started with a little something called House Party. It was born as a short film, which is usually how the next Pixar or Pixar clone starts out in the mind of America's next Cal-Arts genius grad. But House Party took its time, learning to walk, buying its first ice cream from the local vendor... sigh. I can't remember the last time that little jeep came down our block, playing my song. Oh, well. It's not the 50s anymore, and America's not flush with cash, or burning oil with reckless abandon. The point is, man, did House Party do well! Now, arguably, Kid 'n Play would've done great in any film, really, but you gotta give mad props to the inaugural HP. And all those sequels! Hopefully the Hudlins got a piece of those. This is probably just an ugly rumour, but I heard they were going to make House Party 6 and The Gods Must Be Crazy 6 as one film and call it a day.
But the Hudlins... God bless 'em. After the success of House Party, they wanted to prove to themselves and the world that, while they weren't artists afraid to make money, as the old saw goes, they were serious directors now. And serious directors don't do House Party 2. But someday Doug McHenry will get the credit he deserves: the black Donald Petrie. The Hudlins decided to do Boomerang next. What they learned, and this took me a while to learn myself, is that there are two Eddie Murphys: the funny Eddie Murphy, and the cool Eddie Murphy. They worked with the cool Eddie Murphy on this one. After finishing Boomerang, and questioning why they got into this business in the first place, and if it's not too late to start over again, the Hudlins decided to take it slow and do a little something called Cosmic Slop. You know, I'll bet.... oh, right.
Clearly the 1990s were their favorite decade. International stardom, Spike Lee constantly telling them that he opened the door for them, eager young film students asking how to break into the biz. Yeah, the 90s were a great decade for film. Then came the 2000s, and all quarters suffered worldwide. After The Ladies Man and Serving Sara, it was time to do like some gods of film do: move discreetly from the silver screen to the boob tube. Reginald has yet to find a show he really clicks with, but what the hell. Variety is the spice of life! As for Warrington, well... incidentally, how do you shorten Warrington? Warren? Reginald becomes Reggie, but.. anyway, Warrington has yet to find a project to do with Reginald, but hopefully they'll bury the hatchet and find something. Something better than Iron Ring. I mean, for God's sake! This is the kind of the thing the Simpsons makes fun of now. And they're over 20 years old!!! I gotta go.

Caption Contest Time?

...on second thought, maybe not. Too obvious.
You know, maybe it's just me, but what kind of a superpower is operating a Gatling gun? A five year old child with an itchy trigger finger could do that! (arguably, they'd probably need a tripod to hold said gun) What makes The Green Lantern so special? ...boy, but I must just be hanging a bulls-eye around my neck on that one. I guess Iron Man is about as weaponized, but we never see him standing there holding a Gatling gun like that. I guess I'm thinking about what the Blue Raja said, that he's not Stab Man or Knifey Boy, which is why he uses forks and spoons instead of knives. Is that racist of me? Probably. Still, to me, a superhero's more than just a soldier, and I guess Green Lantern's more than just Superman with a Gatling gun... or maybe I'm just pre-judging again. I know the Onion rated it low, but Ebert didn't hate it that much.
Anyway, the other debut this week is Mr. Popper's Penguins. Let me just say this about that... that being its weak debut at #3: What's up with that, America? Either you're with the penguins, or you're with the terrorists... oh, right. Dubya's out of office now. Still, Sean Hannity, our troops are overseas. Why are you concerned now about the debt? Why are you questioning the authority of our Commander in Chief? More to the point, why are you questioning at all? What are you, a journalist?
Damn! Just lost half my audience. Again.

A Movie Hooligan Exclusive

Welp, I don't often get shipments of free swag from my Hollywood contacts anymore, but finally! The http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.giflittle brown van pulled up to the apartment and dropped off a load. Mostly PR stuff, but I did manage to get my busy little hands on a copy of Adam Sandler's 2014 project! He's of course busy right now filming I Hate You, Dad. Guess he's not going for the Oscar... at least, not until 2014. Why, you might ask? Well, he's going to do a remake of Sunset Boulevard, the Billy Wilder classic! The Remake Gods smiled down upon the right copyright lawyers and made it happen. I'll try not to divulge too many plot secrets, but here's the cast as it stands so far. Rob Schneider will play "Little Pete", the bookie who's threatening to take Adam Sandler's car away... I mean, Joe Gillis. You can probably guess why he's called Little Pete. Think William H. Macy in Boogie Nights. Sandler decides he needs to get outta town for a while, and so off he drives. Meanwhile, Officer O'Doyle, played by Donald Gibb, spies Sandler driving out of town. Realizing that Sandler still hasn't given him back his collection of vintage comic books, he begins the chase. O'Doyle's partner will probably be Steve Buscemi. And so, a thrilling-ass car chase ensues, and Sandler pulls into a vacant mansion just off Sunset Boulevard.
He goes up to the house, but probably takes a leak behind a hedge along the way. He's ushered in to the house to find that it's occupied by one of those crazy-ass movie stars he often writes scripts about and for. And here's the twist: it's Bruce Willis! (rumored) And even though Bruce was a big 80s star, there's lots of disco memorabilia laying around the drafty old mansion once owned by John Bunny. Perhaps he'll appear in drug-induced visions in a horse outfit! You know, just to throw people off. Script details are sketchy at this point, but there's a lot of studio notes about a certain obligatory scene: Bruce is lying face down on top of a table nude, and insists that Sandler give him a body massage. It's tastefully done, of course, and it's ripe with the trademark Sandler awkwardness. True, Sunset Boulevard was a unique product of its time, but I'm sure Tim Herlihy can make it work, bringing in all the modern-day equivalents of the bygone Silent Era. Maybe they can get that "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy or something, or the old E*Trade guy before they got the creepy talking babies. It writes itself, and I can see the Oscar voting bloc mistakenly giving it awards for Best Art Direction and Costume/Makeup, not realizing it's a Sandler remake. I'll give you more plot details as principal photography gets closer.

Back to the Stooges....

Like Jack Nicholson said in About Schmidt, Native Americans got a raw deal! Just a raw deal. And thanks to certain Stooge films and Warner Brothers cartoons, and many, many others, they'll continue to get a raw deal in syndication.  On the other hand, no actual Native Americans in Back to the Woods were forced to act like idiots. Now, some of the African American actors in Stooge films, on the other other hand... on second thought, I better quit while I'm ahead.
But leave us wind back the video to the beginning. Oh, weren't those the days? The convenience of the modern age! No more video tapes! DVDs are almost obsolete thanks to YouTube. I swear, YouTube is getting away with genocide compared to Napster's murder. I know, I know... Napster? Kazaa? What's that? Try Wikipedia. People know what that is. Anyway, the Stooges find themselves awaiting trial in ye Olden England. The home of dry wit gave birth to such knuckleheads? I findest that-eth hardeth to believe-eth. Just letting you know what you're in store for. It's a good thing the Stooges learned to hit each other, because their ad-libbing kinda sucks. But it was topical at the time, and the NBC tones still dominate the airwaves, as long as Comcast Universal Vivendi finds them relevant and cute. The boys are sentenced to 50 years hard labour. Curly finds an opening, and goes for the auctioneer bit. "Do I hear 55? Who'll make it 55?" The judge says "I will!", accidentally flinging his gavel in the process. Dude, that's harsh. Even Curly finds it so. But, much like the classic Dutiful but Dumb, a far better punishment presents itself. In the case of Back to the Future... I mean, Woods, why not send them to the colonies to help trash America? Done. They drop their iron balls onto Bud Jamison's foot. Bud Jamison jumps up and down in pain, and the Stooges proceed to dance. Lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifarry sits on his iron ball and does his usual Russian dance, and fade out.
Act Two: the boys land in America and make their way to the home of the Governor, where his three daughters are bored, tending to the house chores. The boys arrive and proceed to pitch some woo. The daughters have comedy names, of course: Hope, Faith and Charity. The third daughter has glasses, but otherwise she's not that bad looking. Why, she even raises her eyebrows in a sexy manner! A city girl, perhaps. Moe produces an olde-time music box and they proceed to dance. This is the long, drawn-out sequence to pad out the film to 2 reel length. I still wonder, though: is that really the music box making the music?
Now I hate to beat a nearly dead horse, but the sound Curly makes at 5:46 here: doesn't that sound similar to 1:07 and 6:28 I referenced earlier? Just a thought. Maybe I can apply for one of them genius grants, and spend my days cataloguing every last one of these Stooge minutia. Anyway, back to the play-by-play. Vernon Dent shows up, and the party's over. To show you how commanding and domineering a presence he is, he tells the music box to be quiet... and it does! The Stooges go along to a meeting of the Indians and the white men. The Stooges hit each other with their muskets when they do the left face/right face move. Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of it. At the meeting, the Indians are strangely financially savvy. They decree that there will be no hunting on their lands. But the pilgrims will starve! The Stooges decide to hunt anyway, and proceed to go out into the wilderness to make their fortune. A hunting they will goeth, indeed.
Well, it's well past my bedtime, so I'll cut this one short. At 8:52 in Part One, Curly makes a bad joke and pre-empts Moe striking back with one of those back and forth hand movements that a Stooge can't help but stare at. What a gullible species. I would give this one four stars, but there's some blatant plot devices here. They deliberately knock Larry out so he can get captured and tied to a tree. However, they manage to almost make up for it by hitting Larry in the crotch with a tree. Curly and Moe, each with a Larry leg in hand, on either side of a tree... and BAM! Right in the Fine family jewels. Also, there's a lot of other extra-curricular stunt work here done by the Stooges. Curly falls over Moe and Larry when he comes running with a bucket of water. Moe falls over Curly at one point. They also do the swishing branches gag. "Why don't ye look where ye swisheth?" There's a serious, extra-thick branch at one point, and they're especially careful with that one. Moe avoids getting hit by it, except when he stands up, and taps his angry face against it. Oh, and they re-use the power boat gag from a previous short... Whoops! I'm an Indian. That was the one. Good Lord. I gotta run.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Xan and Carol Cawthra Hopcraft

They wrote Duma!

I'm so Super 8, you so Super Late!!!

From producer Steven Spielberg and whiz-kid director J. J. Abrams comes... a Steven Spielberg film! Finally, a show of respect! Why deny it? The man's a genius. Both of 'em. Meanwhile, Julia Phillips is in Hell right now having tea and scones with the devil, longing for the simpler days of Steelyard Blues. Unfortunately for all parties involved, Super 8's take could've been better. But perhaps, like me, eager moviegoers saw the budget information on Super 8 and thought "Only 45 million? Maybe I'll just wait til the second week."
And it just gets worse. Not only did Super 8 not take in as much as expected, but it left the door open for another debut to squeak in. In this case, it's the kid-friendly... whatever the hell it is. Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer. Take that, Judy Blume! The latest precocious kid with the hot catch phrase: Super-mega-totally-thrill-adelic. If I were Disney, I'd sue. This is blatant catch-phrase encroachment, plain and simple.
And that's it for another super duper box office week! Woody Allen's still in the game! Oh, this is going to play games with his ego. Maybe he can remake Hollywood Ending, or do a sequel to it....
...Bob Dorian! That's the guy who used to host on AMC! At least, until the catalog of American Movie Classics went to Turner Classic Movies, and AMC started showing American movie "classics" like the Friday the 13th with Crispin Glover. What an age we live in.

Stooges: Three Dumb F... Clucks

Welp, if you've seen enough Stooge films in the course of your life... and I'm already starting to feel like I've seen enough... you'll find that they at least tried to get a variety of plots. Some plots, however, just can't be made once. Whether it's winning that big radio contest, trying to answer the old "nature v. nurture" question, or stopping pa's wedding to the younger woman, one can't help but revisit some of the same old plots. In this case, it's the third plot: they have to stop a wedding.
Ooh! I forgot their exterminator plot! They also put pests into a house to drum up pest extermination business, with a bag of cats in tow, on at least two occasions, with two different casts, but I digress.
We start off with the three of them in one giant jail cell. That's the best place for them, but it's the beginning of the film, so escape is inevitable. The reason arrives: a letter from Ma about Pa's remarriage plans. They GOTTA get out and stop the wedding! The laundry will just have to wait. Curly says that he has an idea in the back of his head. You'll hear Shemp later on use the same line. Must be a Horowitz thing. Larry makes a suggestion: let's use the tools! But what tools, you might ask? Larry co-opts Moe's line: the tools they've been using the last 10 years, only Larry doesn't get to grab anyone by their hair when he says it. They lift up the mattress to reveal a rather large, diverse array of tools. I hate to spoil all the little details, so I'll just point out that Curly's head is the tool that ultimately saves the day.
They break out of jail but only to find that the world's changed, and not necessarily for the better. Electric appliances have almost completed their evil plot for world domination, followed in close second by pollution. Women now have the right to vote, and the world is on the brink of a world war. As for the Stooges, they go from one iron gate to another: that protecting their old man's mansion. Fortunately, Curly's come prepared with a sledgehammer. Moe holds a chisel to the gate and... well, I guess you'll just have to see for yourself. It's actually kinda touching in a way. Merchant/Ivory couldn't have done much better.
As part of the formula, it's incumbent upon one of the Stooges to play a dual role as their Stooge self and the Stooge's father. Personally, Shemp imbued the role with a little more dignity, but he was pretty old himself at the time. Curly was still a relatively young guy, and like most movie actors, he didn't want to be seen as a cruel bastard. The boys break in through a window and find their "pa" enjoying a light lunch. They run over to the table, and pa steps out of the way before anyone can put two and two together and wonder how they cloned Curly and got the clone to act... you get the idea. They look like they unnecessarily used a process screen to show Curly as the father, and Curly's stunt double crashing through the giant window. Well, it was a big deal at the time. Maybe not Bringing up Baby big, but pre-Sony, pre-Coca Cola Columbia Studio big.
The Stooge father hands the boys a big wad of bills... money, that is, not his "bills" bills, taxes, power, water, what have you... and tells them to get some nice new clothes and they can come to his wedding. The boys eventually accept, which leads to the big padded out sequence that stretches the film to 16 minutes. Curly tries on hats. He breaks a few of them, finds many he doesn't like or are way too big for his head... but he finds the one that he likes: ...a golf hat? An Americanized beret? And I thought I was somewhat immune to cultural illiteracy. Not so. But bear in mind: this is the hat he keeps returning to, literally and actually, as Moe throws it away at one point, only to have it return to the top of Curly's head like the proverbial boomerang it's made out to be. Curly keeps this hat under his hat when they leave the store, and it's instrumental in getting us to the next big conceit of the movie; wait for it... the new bride to be mistakes Curly for Curly's pa! After almost getting run down by her car in the street, she mistakes... oh, I should point out that Curly's pa has big mutton-chop sideburns, to help distinguish the two. Now, maybe I'm getting old and senile and have way, way too much time on my hands, but doesn't the sound effect at 1:07 here sound like the sound effect at 6:28 here? Sorry, but that's about as easy as I can make it with my limited technological capabilities here. Anyway, we find out that the wedding's not going to be the happily ever after it's supposed to... ain't that true of all weddings? There's an identity crisis, a run around a flagpole, a climb up a flagpole, a hasty wedding, an elevator, a fall out a window, all not necessarily in that order. Well, some things just defy description... at least, until you see it again. I forget which Shemp film it is, but it's almost frame for frame exact, except for the ending. Here, the boys fall out of a window but don't land in some nice, soft wet cement. They land on top of pa, and drag him back home to ma by his legs. Incidentally, isn't this how every father-sibling relationship ends up? Incidentally, if the answer is "No, it's not" then I don't want to hear it!!!!!!!!!!!

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Randy and Perry Howze

Hey! Remember the 80s? It's that decade so lovingly eulogized in Bowling for Soup's anthemic, iconic, epic classic '1985'. Me, I can't stand that song. Of course, people seem to forget. As a character in every David Mamet play or movie says, "Things change." The 80s were going along just fine, until he came along: I'm talking about... what's that guy's name? Bruce Hornsby and the Range! Where's the loud guitar? The big hair? Nothing! The yuppies have taken over MTV. Punk rock went un-corporate, and the Sally Cruikshank visual ethic took over: lots of neon and jagged lines. Am I overusing that? Probably. I'm going to wait for a comment from Sally saying either "Stop it" or "Abercrombie and Fitch handbags for half off."
But the Me Decade turned out all right for most people. Howze about you? Apparently Randy and Perry loved the 80s so much, they refused to work in any other decade. Well, after you have a film like Mystic Pizza, it's time to go back to the monastery. People just want to hear the stories of the likes of Martin Scorsese, that they LEFT the monastery to work in film. People can be so very, very cruel. Reminds me: what Stooge film are we doing this week?

Yawn...

Well, surprise surprise, the film that spends $100 million on TV advertising is #1 at the box office this weekend. What I want to know is: who's the lingerie model third from the left? Is that her superpower or is she just pandering to the picky fanboy audience? Just keep in mind what they did to Britney Spears, now! Fanboys have standards too. Sorry, Elisabeth Shue, but I guess you're too old for the part. Besides, it's what you make of the roles! See Meryl Streep in ... what was the name of that thing. One True Thing? Playing a mother with cancer: Oscar gold. As for director Matthew Vaughn, well, the poor guy. Not a moment to spare to enjoy life. He's already hard at work on Kick Ass part 2. I won't guess on the plot details, but they are going to have to fill in the roster of characters, seeing as how many died in the first one. What, too good to give Neil Gaiman another chance? You'll be sorry! He's this century's Clive Barker! He's going to be bigger than ... Dainelle Steel? Heather Graham? Michael Crichton? Oh, right, he's dead... but the books live on for what seems like forever. Just the one new movie this week, so I'm done! Yay!

The Continued Stooge-ization of Health Care

This all seems very familiar...
Oh, right! It's Men in Black plus Ants in the Pantry... and if I could get a grant (wink wink) I'd be able to put more study on it, but let's just dive right in regardless. We see the boys in bed sleeping together... I mean, together sleeping. You can tell, because of the snoring noise. I have a feeling you're going to hear that same snoring noise over and over again the longer you delve in Stooge Land. (hint: try the beginning of An Ache in Every Stake. Compare the two, even! Have two browser windows set to YouTube.) The boys are rudely awoken by an alarm clock. Curly just never learns. He says "I'm awake but I can't get my eyes open." Guess what happens next? Curly's woes only increase, as he's "low man again" in the bid for who makes breakfast. Curly wonders aloud why the wives can't get breakfast. Yes, they're married in this one. It's probably chauvinist, but Moe says "Our wives can't get breakfast and work at the same time." Curly's breakfast: hilarious. Curly mistakes cheese for soap. Well, it was still the throes of the Great Depression, and not the kind you could take Xanax for, mainly because they didn't have it back then. They promptly go back to bed. The wives come home from the shift at Lockheed and find the boys asleep. If they knew the truth they'd probably be in bigger trouble. Larry's wife calls him a porcupine... that's Moe's job, damn it! Anyway, the usual ultimatum in these kind of two-reelers is issued: either get a job or get out. Curly's married to the fat chick who couldn't get a boyfriend in the one we just reviewed about firemen.
But they're not going out into the world completely naked. There was a lead in the paper: a job selling Brighto. Moe declares that they'll get a job even if it kills them. And this time, there's no one to say "And I hope it does!" Terribly serious. They arrive at the local Brighto headquarters. Moe announces "Well, here we are! Three of the best salesmen that ever sailed." The boss asks "Have you ever sold anything?" Larry replies "'Have we ever sold anything?'" Moe replies "'Have we ever sold anything?'" Curly asks "Have we?" Moe stomps on his foot, and rightly so. I make it a point to point this out, because you'll be seeing this comedy construct many, many times in Stooge films to come.
And so, they buy the Brighto corporate line, hook and sinker in tow. Moe chants "Brighto! Brighto! Makes old bodies new." Larry says "We'll sell a million bottles." Curly helpfully adds "Woo-woowoowoo-woop-woo-woo!" Well, it's really much better if you just see it for yourself. Ah, what an age we live in. And so, the boys proceed to destroy the Brighto brand. First, by knocking over a stand in the Brighto shop loaded with bottles of Brighto, and second, by going out into the world. After running around a lot like a bunch of idiots, they start to wonder. Just what is this Brighto crap anyway? Moe sets them straight: it's for sale! Damn right, said David Mamet.
And so, the salesmanship begins. Curly runs afoul of a Fran Liebowitz type. Moe polishes a shoe until it's got a smoldering hole in it. Larry actually gets to deliver quite a few lines, and probably the best line of his career: "If you have a knick-knack with a nick in it, you'll knock the nick out of the knick-knack with Brighto."
Anyway, Moe and Larry didn't learn their lesson and proceed to "polish" Vernon Dent's car with Brighto after he leaves. He comes back in time to see the damage, and the first thing out of his mouth is "Police!" He ends up with a pie in the face and vows that if he ever sees them again, he'll... oh, but what are the odds of that?
Back to the Brighto office for a second chance, and a second display table full of Brighto bottles to knock over. The Stooges failed with the one-on-one sales approach, so they finally get smart. Sell it in bulk! Fortunately, fate gets them to a hospital. There's an awful lot of post-dubbing in this one, I'm realizing. Must've been a tough outdoor shoot. Lots of onlooking fans screwing up the sound. Into the hospital they go to cause more delightful mayhem. They get to do the ol' "Oh! Going through traffic on a red light" bit that worked so well with Ted Healy back in the day. Needles to say, it turns rapidly into Men in Black. They end up on the intercom system. Larry does his usual bit he does: "Are you listening? Ba-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba-boo..." He can't do it without Moe hitting him in the forehead, of course. The boys announce they're bringing Brighto to the patients of the hospital, and proceed to do so. They run afoul of a Rip Van Winkle type that's been asleep for 87 days. What a hospital bill! Shudder. He gets rudely awoken, and complains about it. With a voice like he's got, no wonder he wants to sleep all the time! Sounds a bit like Curly's cousin from the South. He yells "Put me to sleep!" Usually when the Stooges administer "anesthetic" Moe yells "Give." In this case, the guy used the verb 'put', so Moe yells "Put!" He's one to give the customer what they want, you gotta give him that.
Anyway, I hate to spoil it, but I have to, to point out how much of this film is dubbed. Oh, I've got an ear for it, I do. Well, Vernon Dent reappears, of course, but someone ELSE dubbed in his voice! "Vernon" yells, "Get 'em, boys!" He and his two hospital goons start to chase the Stooges some more. Curly runs the wrong way down the hall, Moe whistles, and Curly walks the right way. He usually doesn't do that when he's being chased, but never mind. To conclude, these Stooge films don't usually come full circle and end where they began, but this one does, as three Stooge doubles leap through the window INTO the room, land in bed, and proceed to cover themselves up with the bedsheet, trying in vain to hide their faces so the people won't notice it's not the real Stooges. Nice try back then, with their faces on the big-ass silver screen.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Short Reviews - May 2011

Sympathy for Delicious - We've officially run out of movie titles

Thor - Damn! How many movies is Natalie Portman doing these days?!!!

Bad Teacher - I predict Oscar gold!

The Chosen One - Yes. Adam Sandler chose you, Rob.

Cry Macho - Schwarzenegger's Copland

X-Men: First Class - Renee Zellweger, meet Jennifer Lawrence

Priest - All right, Paul Bettany! We get it! You're leading man material! You sure could use a hit, though...

Everything Must Go - This is one of those films that a big star does now in between giant blockbusters. Just as long as it makes more money than Land of the Lost.

Highlander - The tragic tale of a being blessed with eternal life, but cursed with having to go through that life looking like Christopher Lambert. In this shallow culture of ours, what most of us would give to live even a mortal life looking like Lorenzo Lamas instead.

Booted - Poor Alan Ruck... I mean, poor Cameron Frye!

Hesher - Looks like Jo-Go-Lev as Don Logan

American Reunion - Stop, guys.

Melancholia - Lars Von Trier's just desperate for attention. He's not at Mel Gibson's level yet... then again, did you sit all the way through Dancer in the Dark?

Dreamcatcher - Ah, delusions of grandeur. Another metaphor for the Bush presidency: the good guys as kids see a bully attempting to feed a wimp a dog turd. The good kids say "We're going to tell the world, and everyone will know about this!" Something like that... and yet, no one was around to hear that turd fall in the forest.

Pink Flamingos - Now THAT'S how you git 'er done!

Presumed Innocent - This is what John Grisham novels THINK they are

Camelot - Richard Harris as Arthur... can't accept it

Auteur Watch - David and Scott Hillenbrand

Gawd, but I hate when that happens! I hit the wrong button, went back one web page, and lost my entire post. I gotta take a break now.

When Icons Misbehave

All I can say is, in the Movie SATs, what Michael Bay is to Transformers, Todd Phillips now is for The Hangover. There's just no doubt about that anymore. The numbers don't lie. It made almost as much as Pirates 4, for God's sake! Now THAT'S Legendary! Not this Observe and Report crap... as for Bradley Cooper, Renee Zellweger must be leaving a hundred messages on his phone machine, or in his voice mail mailbox. Damn, I'm so techno-Left Behind. Will I ever make it to the e-Promised Land, wherever that is?
I just have to move on now, and quickly. Of the four sequels in the Top 10 this week, at #2 is Kung Fu Panda part 2. The magic is back! We can't see how old Jack Black is getting if he's animated! That should be the next thing in these Pixar characters: they age before our eyes. Well, Cars 2 is probably not going to risk that; besides, how do you make a car look older? It's impossible!
The other debut this week is Midnight in Paris, or Woody Allen part 47, so really, there's five sequels in the Top 10 this week. Man, I can't remember the last time ol' Woody cracked the top 10, do you? Not even with his smoldering Match Point; think Crimes and Misdemeanors, given the Allen Habel Big Picture treatment. Make the Judah character a hot twenty-something! As Robert de Niro said in Mistress, people go to the movies to be titillated by sex. And with that, I move swiftly on to this week's auteurs.