Short Reviews - Aug. '08

Well, it has been announced that, what was once the Siskel & Ebert show is no more. Robert Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times has officially left. Like most people say, I agree that, in his reviews, he kinda gets to the heart of the movie. Except when I disagree with him (O Brother ring a bell?). But they still have the show on something called ReelzChannel with these two other guys, and I finally had the following epiphany: I wonder if they ever get any complaints like "Dear Mr. Film Critic, I took your advice and instead of taking my kids to see the Hannah Montana movie, we drove the 80 miles to the big city where they were showing the film you recommended with the Oscar-winning performance of a lifetime about the Iraq war vet who comes back and becomes a drug mule for a group of albino Danish expatriates who are planning to blow up the Golden Gate bridge, and I gotta say that I should of just gone to the Hannah Montana movie instead. My kids still won't stop crying. And we got a parking ticket. Thanks a lot for nothing." Time for Short Reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 11 more days to go.......

Ghost Town - Oh, David Koepp... Did you need the money?

Insanitarium - Oh, Peter Stormare... Did you need the money?

Disaster Movie - I wonder if Carmen Electra ever gets tired of doing these sorts of things.

Still Waiting... - I'm sorry, but to me it's just not authentic without Van Wilder. Call me crazy, call me a purist.

I shouldn't be alive HD - Steve Ball, etc. - That's gotta be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Batman & Robin!

X-Files episode #Milagro - Geez, why didn't they just call it "The Turning"? John Hawkes was good as the heart-stealing creepy novelist; guess Vince Gallo was unavailable.

Sixty Six - Finally! Paul Weiland, director of such classics as Leonard Part 6 and City Slickers 2 directs the film he was meant to make: his autobiography! ...Right? Ah, who cares if I'm right or not.

The Incredible (Edible) Hulk - Thank God his pants stayed on!

Babylon A.D. - Vin Diesel's back! Oh, it's 2001 all over again, and Vin is a man on the go with a fast car and a bad attitude.

Death Race - 2000? Guantanamo? Can't be any worse than that Rollerball remake with Keanu. Right?

Dead Like Me (2009) - Welcome back, Peanut!

White Palace - I didn't know James Spader was Jewish!

VeggieTales - If this is the best Jesus has to offer us, I am not impressed.

College - Wow. Another Animal House clone. Or is that a Van Wilder clone? I know, I know ... it's original because it's about high schoolers who just get a sneak peek at college by being prospective freshmen. That, and there seems to be not one known movie star in it. I forget - does that make it better or worse than Van Wilder? Probably better, right?

College (1927) - A Classic.

2001 Maniacs Part 2: 2008 Maniacs - Oh, why do they make me wait?!!!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt - Ooooh! Who's gonna play Spota? (David Jensen!!! I KNEW IT!!)

The Art of War II: The IRS Files - Just kidding, Wesley. You know I love you.

A Jazz Man's Blues - For all you nay-sayers out there, this will be the film that proves to you that Tyler Perry's a writer.

Ghost Town - I don't know what it is, but why do I not like Ricky Gervais? What's wrong with me?

The Bridge - Shame on me. Heard about this from 20/20. Give me a break!!! I mean, seriously, it's good, but it would've been better in HD.

And speaking of auteurs...

I was going to go to bed, but something on the computer usually catches my eye before I do. Usually an article that asks a provocative question. This time it's an article that asks the provocative question, "Who is the most overrated director?" Something like that. A link to it on the IMDb, anyhow. Well, as most of you know who read this blog, I tend not to deal with such subjects, and the aforementioned article attempts to untangle the intricacies of the paradoxes inherent in the question itself, and probably does the best job of it that one can do, so in answering the question on my own I'll just stick to the directors they list. After all, it's an honor just to be mentioned. And let's face it, the era of the film director is clearly in decline anyway. No, the real star of the silver screen is The Latest Special Effect 1.1a. Whatever it may be. Might not even be visual! Might be a Sound Effect 1.1a! No-names direct Pixar pictures; case closed.

And frankly, I'm shocked. Why isn't Michael Bay on this list? Or Brett Ratner for that matter? Oh man, do people hate that guy. But you know what? They put asses in seats. That's what directors do these days. Keep that popcorn 'n Pepsi babysitter rolling. Keepin' the promise of Federalism alive. People say Brett Ratner ruined X-Men 3, I say how can you tell? What, did he put the camera in all the wrong places? And Michael Bay, complain all you want, he's still making 150 million dollar pictures. Is that an accident? SOMEONE'S going to see these things! And now he's got Spielberg's produce-orial blessing instead of Bruckheimer. Kevin Costner, overrated as a director AND an actor. Not on the list. For shame.

But already I defeat my porpoise here. Let's get back to the(ir) list of Ten Overrated Directors, heavily weighted in terms of Oscar winners. Five bonafide Oscar winners, three nominees... really? Brian De Palma's never been nominated? Weird! Well, neither has Sidney Lumet, but that's just Hollywood politics. Anyway, and the other nominee that's never gotten an Oscar nomination, and he's my #1 most overrated director, Kevin Smith. And shame on you, Academy, for like, totally ignoring Jersey Girl. Did you not see that picture quality? No nomination for DP? Oh, but Vilmos, he's already won. That would just be unfair! But, no, the reason Kev's my #1 is not because of all that, not because everyone I ask about Clerks swears it's f@¢*(n hilarious, but knows nothing about the rest of his vast library of work, no. ...I was going to add another "Not because", but life's too short. No, the reason he's my #1 is because of his upcoming Zack and Miri make a Porno, which was going to be rated NC-17 until Kev and his lawyer friend went before the MPAA and complained. Oh, boo hoo, why can't I have an R, teach? PATHETIC! And you call yourself a director. A real director takes his or her lumps! A real director LIVES with their MPAA rating. Just ask Philip Kaufman!

As for the rest of the list, well, it's just too painful to put together, and I'm not putting as much thought into it as I should, but I think Quentin probably belongs at #2. I mean, he makes a mean film and all, but I think I'm still smarting from his publicity blitz for Pulp Fiction. Or Grindhouse, either one. And Kill Bill's great and all, but somehow I don't think they're showing it at any La Moz classes, however you spell it. Like Dave Letterman said, he's kinda dorky. And Letterman knows about dorky, believe me.

At #3 I've put Oliver Stone, director of Tarantino's script for Natural Born Killers. Although, to be fair, I'd rather have Ollie's entire film collection than any mere volume by David McCulloch or David Halberstam, for that matter. Or even a Doris Kearns Goodwin. Does Ann Coulter do actual history? She seems like the bookish type. Also, he's not just ruining American history anymore. He beat Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo Di Caprio to the punch and did Alexander, so he's not just permanently stuck in the 1970s like Quentin seems to be. And frankly, I don't know what to expect from his upcoming Dubya. It's either going to be Path to 9/11 part 2, or it'll be the perfect sendoff to the worst president in American history. All of American history! No small feat. But that's what a director does. Surprise you like that.

At #4, Brian De Palma. So close to greatness. He's the kind of guy who does the thing where you put your hand down on a wooden table and stab the spaces in between the fingers with a sharp knife, except De Palma, God bless him, just keeps hitting his fingers. Some say Scarface is a classic, I say the original is a classic. And the more I see The Untouchables, the more I think to myself, what the f-- is up with the music? Bonfire of the Vanities, oh don't get me started. I can't even bring myself to read the book about it (The Devil's Candy). I blame Vilmos for that one.

At #5, M. Night. He'd be higher up on the list, but I think The Happening has brought him some (measure of) redemption. See any of the ads? It's his first R-rated feature! Now, THAT's a motherf--'n director! Learn from that, Kevin.
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At #6, I put Opie, Ron Howard. I don't know why, maybe it's because he didn't mention any of the other nominees the year he won. Maybe it's because his films kinda suck. Apollo 13 was good, though. What else? Grand Theft Auto? And don't complain that I'm just ranking these guys in terms of how much money their films have made! I do like what he did in Grinch with that one dog's butt. Subtle, but cute. Something else you can learn from, Kev.

#7 brings us George Lucas. I like what the article said, all he's really directed was Star Wars, so it's not an issue having him on this list. Now, now, let's not leave out American Graffiti. Interesting how that works, though: on the one hand he's got megahits like Star Wars and Indiana Jones that will be seen forever. On the other hand, Howard the Duck and Radioland Murders. How do you produce both of those? Ponder on that one, Lucas! Ah, who am I kidding, he'll never have to work again. Oh yeah, apparently Lucas thought he could have directed Apocalypse Now. I'll leave others to bicker over that one. Needles to say, I think not.

At #8 I'll put Martin Scorsese. He's a director's director, and GoodFellas, well, if any director had a film like GoodFellas on their resumé they'd be set for life. Unfortunately, you also get misfires like The Departed and (The) Gangs of New York. Yeah, that's right, I didn't care for The Departed. Police work just shouldn't be this fraught with levels of complexity, if I've learned anything about movie cops lo these many years.

At #9, Steven Spielberg. Well, why not give the guy who's already got everything he'll ever need one more accolade? Everything he'll ever need and his children and his children's children. Although I heard he needs a new kidney. Cough up, Parkes!

And finally, the Coen Brothers. Are they overrated? Oh, probably, but if they've read my blog at all they should know how I feel about that. I'm still not a millionaire yet so I can't be your movie benefactors for life yet, guys, so this blog will just have to do. Besides, I hear you're tight with Bevan / Fellner again. Easy Street City! Now, the (other) article was mentioning all the movies that the guy was eagerly waiting for, like Clint Eastwood's latest, and no offense to Clint, but I couldn't help but think to myself... what are you, nuts? Million Dollar Baby part 2? No thanks. No, I'm the wrong person to ask what I'm excited to see, 'cuz I'm just not that excited anymore. I'll see the latest from Spielberg, or if George Lucas hits on a new great franchise idea. Maybe Batman Begins 3, or Spider Man 4, or Fahrenheit 9/11 pt. 2, I don't know. But I do know this: I am waiting for Burn After Reading, and that's only about fifteen days away, and it just may represent the last hurdle for the Coens to jump. They've already got the Oscars, the admiration of fans, and cast and crew alike, ... they've got the French critics in their pockets, anyhow. But the one thing that all these other guys got already, and that's a film to open at #1 at the Box Office. Except Kevin Smith. I don't think any of Smith's films have opened at #1, and they really tried with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They really, really tried. Ad after ad after ad, and the media even got involved, but not the way ol' KS wanted. The media asked, "Jay and Silent Bob... they're gay, right?" No! No, they're not gay. What's wrong with you media types? Have you SEEN any of their movies? Are you gay? They're dead butch!
Oh, but I digress again. Looks like Obama's going to win, and the Coens will have their #1 hit with Burn After Reading. Although, that IS an awful lot of Oscar winners to have in a comedy, guys. I'm just saying. You forget who you're dealing with here in America. A bunch of rubes. On the other hand, Larry the Cable Guy's films aren't doing all that great, neither. Not a #1 hit yet. Maybe we're finally crawling out of the primordial slime as a nation. Who knows? Maybe it's just me.

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst

Otherwise, it's just another normal week at the box office. Yeah, more like weak! Combined total of the top 10 films? 82.1 million in ticket sales. PATHETIC!!! Let's assess the damage, and for reasons you'll find out about later I'm starting off with lucky number seven, and it's Mirrors. I swear, you take the trailers of all these so-called horror movies of the last five years and they all look the same. Only the titles are different, and some of those are remakes of 70s horror movies. Meanwhile Dubya's in the White House going "Aw, man! Where's The Hitcher 2? They swore it'd be out before I left office... guess I'd better stay!" Maybe the Supreme Court can pull some more strings. Here, I'll help you with the tie-breaking opinion: "While we respect the fact that the people voted for Obama / Biden, it is the opinion of the highest court in the land that a Republican administration will do the best job in office, and when we say Republican administration, we say the current Republican administration. I mean, why change horses in midstream? Especially when they've stopped to take a leak." But I digress. Number 6 is Pineapple Express. Welp, that's the trouble with making movies for stoners. They're never sure if they went to see it or not! Shoulda given 'em some chips or somethin', guys.
At #5 it's Clone Wars. Man, even George Lucas didn't see this one. All the critics are so cynical, saying it's just a primer for a new show on Cartoon Network. What? Do you not admire the effort they're putting into it? How many TV shows do that, huh? So cynical. At #4 it's The Dark Knight (TDK: NASDAQ) and it's almost over the 500 million dollar mark. Don't give up now! No, it's headed for free-fall. I hate to see distributors pull something out of theaters before people really get a chance to see it. I mean, REALLY see it, you know?
And so we go from dark knight to Death Race (2008) at #3. How come no one's calling this a reboot? Could it be that the original's better? Nah, that can't be. Not with all your modern editing techniques. For this one, the latest state-of-the-art technique is to show it to a test audience, and they measure the heart beat of everyone in the theater. Then, you take the average heart beat, and edit the movie accordingly. Oh, it's a snap with Avid!
Maybe next week I'll do Auteur Watch: Fred Wolf. Yeah, it's only fair. Follow a Fred with a Fred. Two two-legged Freds right in a row, right, Imey? It truly is a Cinderella story, only with more flamboyant dresses. So, three cheers to all the stockholders at Happy Madison productions. It's gonna be a great summah!
Meanwhile at #1, Tropic Thunder reigns supreme yet again! Pretty kewl. At least they were brave and posted the budget, not like all the newbies this week. Cowards! Well, with an eye-popping $92 million price tag, it's still less costly than the occupation of Iraq. All hail Blackwater, our new corporate overlords!
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And so, as if we're trapped in some kind of unholy torus, we wrap back around to #10, and it's that Mummy sequel. You got anything to add? Me neither. Let's move on, then. Mamma Mia hangs on with fingernails at #9. Well, we can only hope that some more movie musicals get the green light as a result. Any other Bob Fosse Broadway shows that can be celluloidicized? It'd get Best Picture, easy!

And finally, what it's all about right here, Alfie. Number 8. Oh, it doesn't really matter what the name of this film is, or who's in it, and how it's further eroding their street cred. All we really need to know is that 1) this is probably the only week it'll be in the Top 10, so watch out come Oscar time next year. And 2) it was directed by... drumroll please! Da, da-da daaaa! FRED DURST. Maybe you've heard of him! If not, save yourself the aggravation and stop reading this. Yeah, you know, some people in this life aren't happy enough being the front man for one of the most annoying bands this side of the Insane Clown Posse, spewing so-called pop music on our public airwaves. Look, ma! I'm swearing! Well, what can you say? That's the toxic pop culture sewer we live in, here in the greatest country on Earth. But hey! If it's good enough for Halle Berry, it's good enough for me. And behind every obnoxious white guy with the evil Devil goatee there beats the heart of a proud, card-carrying member of the DGA. Yes, you've crawled out of the primordial slime, developed arms and legs, and your body has cannibalized the salamander tail, and now you've evolved that strange mix of psychological traits that a director must possess: half army general, half stage manager, half editing deck dominatrix. You keep up these PG-rated movies, Durst, and you too will sit at the big table mingling with the likes of Michael Apted, Arthur Hiller, Spike Lee and many others. Or maybe they'll welcome you already, who knows.

Auteur Watch - Hugh Hudson

Not to be confused with Hugh Wilson, director of such hits as Police Academy (1) and Blast from the Past. Although, like Hugh Wilson, I'm sure Hudson would agree, looking back on his award-winning career, that the 80s was his favourite decade. You know, Chariots of Fire was a big hit with critics and audiences alike, and Vangelis still sends him flowers, things were looking up ... but then, Greystoke hit. And then Revolution hit and missed, the cocaine reserves started to dry up, and then Lost Angels hit, and the studio figured, well, Colors was a big hit, why not this? So Hudson's gestation period gradually grew longer and longer. Thank god Lumière et compagnie came along to ease the tension. Now, I know all you naysayers out there are going to just get all negative and try in vain to counterbalance that bit of good luck and say "Oh, please! That was like Director's Jury Duty. Any fresh-faced kid with a DGA card got a job on that. Directors were trying to AVOID it, it was such a mess! But then, the Millennial panic finally paid off for Mr. Hugh, and brought us My Life So Far. Unfortunately, everyone thought it was the highly anticipated My So-Called Life movie, and turned away in disgust, much as they did with I Dreamed of Africa, so needles to say Hugh's been taking another long break, that is until IDoA gets shown enough on HBO and enough people confuse it with Out of Africa and tune in while they're washing dishes and the Nielsen ratings pump it up and finally make it solvent. Just like HBO's still trying to do with Valkenvania. Wikipedia says he's been up to something, but to me, if it's not on IMDb, it might as well not exist at all. So, here's to you, Hugh Hudson, and here's hoping that that Kate Hudson pic that Donald Petrie turned down comes through for you. You know, that one that takes place in one room in long 90-minute take a la Lars Von Trier, the one that would be considered a classic if it weren't for Captivity. Maybe Elisha will exec-produce that one too!

Hugh Hudson's IMDb entry
Hugh Hudson's Wikipedia entry

Finally! Geez, that took long enough.

But wait a minute! What's this? Pineapple Express got cut down to #5? Oh, Apatow's not gonna be happy about this. You betrayed him, Stiller, for the last time... just checking. Nope! Apatow didn't produce it! Guess he's off doing his own thing. He'll have something by Christmas time, I'm sure. Meantime, there's a gloomy sheriff walking down Main Street in Apatown, population Loser.

Anyway, let's assess the fallout. Strangely enough, after the first couple weeks, Batman's had a rather linear drop-off in repeat business. Hmm! People are finally looking past the hype and studying the flaws? Oh, that's not good. That's never good. But I think it's doing all right in the long run, well enough that someone free-lancing for GQ magazine a couple decades from now won't have to write a guilty pleasure article for some Hollywood producer titled "Why I like The Dark Knight" and extolling its virtues as a guilty pleasure. No, it's above and beyond that; Patrick Swayze's not in it, after all. Or Steven Seagal. No, someday someone will have to write a similar article titled "Why I like Who's Your Caddy", or "Why I like From Justin to Kelly." But it (The Dark Knight) had to be bested by someone eventually, and Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller's latest, was finally able to do it. If my counting's correct, this is his fourth feature film in so many years, and I think we can all attribute its success to a youth bubble that grew up on Night at the Museum and is finally able to appreciate Ben's R-rated side. And of course, I'll do my part to differentiate screenwriter Etan Cohen from Ethan Coen. It won't be easy. I mean, their names are pretty similar. They even have the same number of letters! All you do is move an 'h' around, and the two are the same! They did the Matrix, right?

Moving briskly along to #3, it's an animated Star Wars feature. Of the voices, C3PO and Mace Windu came back. And Count Dooku. Something depressing about that. I'm far too depressed to see if the guy who does Jabba the Hutt's voice is the same as from Return of the Jedi. ...okay, just looked. So, who did the voice in Jedi? James Earl Jones, right? ... Nope, someone else.

What's next? Oh yeah, that horror movie at #4, called Mirrors. Not as setting-centric as 1408, but a little more substantial than that one with ... who's that guy who looks like David Duchovny but he's different? Or that one where some gal's making her bed and you see a pair of legs standing on the bed under the covers? So many provocative images, so little time. But in Mirrors, internationally renowned movie star Amy Smart has the rare distinction of opening her mouth wider than her skull can handle, in order to display the emotion of fear. And it's not even CGI! Oh, if only I still had my DVD burner I could capture an image of that. And I've never heard Kiefer so scared since he was buried alive in ... what was that movie? Da Vanishing, that's it. Let's move on now. Pineapple Express at #5, yada yada yada...
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As for the rest of you mugs, there's the most newbies we've seen in a while, but most of the old-bies are here in the 6 to 9 range. Except of course, for the best movie Woody Allen's made in twenty years, and it's Crimes and Misdemeanors 2! Hah! I bet he gets tired of hearing about that one. But what about Shadows and Fog, he might ask? And Bullets over Broadway, for Christ's sake! Dianne Wiest only won the fucking Oscar for that! And how about Mighty Aphrodite? Didn't Mira Sorvino win for that one? Better look it up again ... She very much did! So, what's that? Chopped liver? Guess so! And how about... nope, guess that's about it. Never mind.

Li'l Bit...

The Destructors a.k.a. The Marseille Contract.
Last seen on: ... TCM? (Turner Classic Movies). Yeah, that was it, because afterward they had ads for upcoming pics with Chaplin and Fatty Arbuckle. Oh, weren't they great together? On the other hand, they're not yet in HD. Get on that, guys! Ted, pay the extra 50 bucks. Make the conversion.
Anyway, let me wrap this up before I lose interest altogether. Michael Caine was in fine form as always, but it takes about a half hour before he even enters the damn picture! Somehow the stuff at the beginning wasn't terribly credible with two-time Oscar winner Anthony Quinn able to outrun and kick the sh... snot out of these younger tough guys with guns. What was he, sixty? Somehow those big barrels on the stairwell weren't an accident either. Oh, his running was more painful to watch than Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, I tells ya. So the whole setup was a bit half baked to me and my viewing companions. It seemed to be an uneasy amalgam of The Day of the Jackal and The French Connection. Guess they thought the title The Marseille Contract was a little too similar. An interesting idea, though. The two leads knowing each other was a nice twist. And as the picture awkwardly attempts to suggest, there were some things worth stealing... I mean, paying homage to, from this picture. In fact, somehow the plot reminded me of The Departed, even though it's clearly less complex, and therefore not as good. And where this gives you only one thrilling car chase, Ronin gives you... six? Seven? I lost count after about seven. There was a car chase in the skating rink with Katarina Witt, right? Someone thought it was like The Bourne Identity, but that's extremely unfair to my man Jason Bourne. Oh yeah, not to mention the car chase used as foreplay, something even the most sterile, asexual reader of Maxim magazine can appreciate. It's the kind of thing you just don't see in movies these days.
Near as I can tell, the only big name worth remembering in the crew was Douglas Slocombe, who most film geeks will know off the top as the cameraman of the three GOOD Indiana Jones pics... Sorry, Stevie, but you know it's true. But I'm sorry. Judd Parrish? Robert Bernard? Never heard of 'em. See? Let's see if anyone cares I got the names wrong. And speaking of names, Steve Ventura? I'm sorry. That violates the #1 rule of movie names. In a movie like this, the main guy, the Alpha Dog is named Jack, and his best friend is named Frank. End of story. I learned that from The Day After Tomorrow, and you can too. Steven Seagal as well: four movies he's named Jack, three John, the more formal Jack. One movie he's named Frank, but it was an Albert Pyun movie. Clearly a charity case.
Guess that's about all that can be said about it. And to all my wealthy readers, I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you this. Never EVER supervise your own drug deals! Just don't do it. Are you really that bored with the good life? Oh, good help is just so hard to find these days.

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so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Deb Hagan

Yeah, it's time for another installment of our regular feature here at The Movie Hooligan, and it's called Auteur Watch, where we profile in detail those film directors of note, look at their illustrious past and make note of what's rumored to be in their future(s). According to the IMDb, basically; that's my only rumour pipeline for now.

Now, normally when I do this segment I either tend to pick the well known auteurs of our time, or I'll pick the ones that I like. I know I did one on the Coen brothers and Steven Spielberg. Why, I even did one about Rob Zombie; well, he's paid some dues at this point in his career, so why not, I say. Welp, gotta keep on the move, so who to select next? I was having some trouble deciding at first, that is until I started seeing ads for this awful-looking movie with no big name actors in it, and it's called "College." Simply "College". You know, people say that the ads always make the movies look good. Now I'd be the first to admit that I'm just a jaded sophisticate, but not only do the ads for College NOT make it look good, it makes me wonder how things like this get put in theaters in the first place, whilst a classic like Bachelor Party 2 starring the Doofer is consigned to the shame of a direct-to-DVD release. Yeah, I know it's no longer a bad thing, but it's still a stigma in my eyes. And we are talking about the Doofer, after all. He wanted to put this in theaters, but he's doing it for the kids. And showing a lot of class by doing that, I might add.

Yeah, I must be out of touch. I was hoping to find more resumés like Andree Moss and Carolyn Moss, but Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell have fine careers already under their belt, but now it's time for them to shine. In College. And besides, like we learned in Econ class, they're spending a lot of money on advertising, so it MUST be a quality product. It's not just a 90-minute trailer, this will be embraced by public and critic alike. With much repeat business as the cherry on top. So the next question (for me) is: who was given the honor of directing the greatest movie ever made in history? Spike Lee? Wes Anderson? Coppola? Surely there was some sort of bidding war over it, names withdrawn then put back into contention... Well, we may never know the true story of how it went down in that smoke-filled room. At least, not until it comes out on DVD and PSP and Blu-Ray: the ultimate edition, unrated of course. Hard to say where they'll talk about that more, in the commentary or in the making-of documentary on Disc 2. I'm betting the commentary. Anyway, all we really know for now is that someone named Deb Hagan got the job, and did an excellent job, by the way. So what sorts of film credentials and life experience does it take to put something like College together? Well, all we know at this point is it's all based on Deb Hagan's previous and first film, a short film called Pee Shy. Well, we don't know much from the official Pee Shy movie web site, but take note, Jerry Bruckheimer. Even you have to admit the title is appropriate: what you see is what you get. So Deb's got that part of the biz down pretty good. And even though College is just about some high schoolers visiting a college for a couple days, you can't deny that the title gives you an idea of where the film takes place. Why, look! Pee Shy even has the same font as College! That classic College font! And the yellow streaks on the letters are a nice touch, even though I can't figure out what it's supposed to represent. And yet, why do I have the feeling her next project is going to be a scathing satire about the evil inner workings of Hollywood?

Oh but that's just sour grapes on my part, don'tcha think? A toast to you, Deb Hagan. Looks like this is the beginning of a long, beautiful directing career, kid.

College official web site
Pee Shy official web site

p.s. In a recent documentary about Animal House, College was included in a long list of Animal House clones. Between that and the ad campaign, you can't BUY that kind of publicity... can you?

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Yeah, that's right, folks... 24243 models omega,movado,etc watchez for 198.21 ..... vkgadfepusxtpfqxafts

That kinda sh ... stuff. Gotta keep up on the cutting edge of Spam. And this hour it's phony order confirmations! I actually fell for it. And by 'fell for it' I mean opened the email. Fortunately, it wasn't one of those emails that erases your hard drive just by opening the damn thing. God, I hate those. I mean, I know we have to support the hacker arts and all, but man! When does it all go too far? Is nothing sacred? Anyway, the biz at hand. Welp, as we can see the box office is settling into a nice, easily digestible chunk of pretty much the same movies slowly working their way down the box office esophagus vis-à-vis the peristalsis of attrition. Something like that; my head's been in the class clouds lately, for those of you who know me and or live with me. But the phenom is there; seems like only yesterday I was writing about Mamma Mia and Journey to the Center of the Earth and Hancock and Wall-E. Lately they've been closer to me than my closest relatives. Swing Vote? Is that still there? Ick. You're tracking failure all over my new carpet.

But the really big story this week, and even though I haven't been watching the ReelzChannel as slavishly as I once did I KNOW it was the top story on there... where was I? Oh yeah. It was: Batman or the Stoner movie: which will win? Well, as we can plainly see, they BOTH win! Why fight about it? Why quibble? They're both winners, it's just that Batman's more of a winner. In several ways. For one, TDK, in addition to crossing the 400 million dollar mark, is already entering that sacred territory that only our most cherished films enter into, like Forrest Gump, or Titanic. And that is, the Realm of Complaints. Oh, the woman in Titanic was a liar! Oh, F. Gum is a Republican paean / screed. You know what I mean; Drillbit Taylor is so derivative. Those kinds of things. You tend to hear them all the time. With TDK it's that some quarters think Batman is like Dubya, getting the bad guys by temporarily suspending habeas corpus, but putting it right back again. Only I think Dubya fires the people who question him. They don't just threaten to tender their final resignation. No, that's not enough. The other one is that Batman's voice is too deep. Oh, but these are merely the belated growing pains of satisfied customers. I think Michael Keaton's Batman voice was much deeper. Or maybe Clooney's, I don't know. The point is, it's his thing, and who are you to question the Bat anyway.

Oh dear, it's slipped to #3 in The IMDb Top 250. That's what you get for challenging the hegemony of The Shawshank Proxy. You too, Godfather 1. Happy now? Toking in at a close second, it's Pineapple Express. Couldn't they wait to release it on 4/20? Or get it done and edited faster so it wouldn't be almost 4 months late? Man, I'm so baked. Yeah, that visage of a baked Seth Rogaine is going up there in the Movie Hall of Infamy right next to Cheech 'n Chong and the smiley face of Dazed and Confused fame. It's the greatest movie ever. NORML will have the last laugh one of these days when weed is finally decriminalized. But remember, kids! Joints cause lung cancer too!

So what's left? Nothin' but a bunch of sequels. We got Mummy 3, and STP2, and I'm sorry. The poster for the first one was much sexier. I know that makes me a perv, but it's the truth. And without Kwapis returning to the director's chair for the deuce, it's just not the same. I know his music videos weren't as good, but I don't care. I'm a mule on this one: resolute and unyielding. And Step Brothers, I know. You're saying to yourself, but, Movie Hooligan! You said we got just sequels left! Step Brothers is not a sequel! Well, in my book, it completes the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell trilogy.

Okay, not the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly trilogy, but that's coming soon enough. Tie a knot in it. And I think that's about all the damage I can do for now. Over and out. And as always, remember: abstinence is abortion. Parents: have your teenagers spayed AND neutered, just to be safe.

Do I smell? ... potatoes and eggs? God, these hyperlinks are a pain in the a

Auteur Watch - Todd Solondz

Oh look at me! Not entering in the text like I used to. Pre-digesting blog entries, so sad. No good excuse for it.

Anyway, I've been neglecting this feature of mine for a while now, the Auteur Watch, but I'm all ripped and rarin' to go. Now, I was going to tear K. Smith a new one for Zack and Miri make a you-know-what, but to me that's old news. It'll bomb soon enough as it is, and so, like Weird Al moving on from the same old Michael Jackson parodies, it is time to wander into the Auteur forest for a virtual 40 years, because lemme tell ya, it's a big forest, folks. Trust me. Lotta hungry people out there waiting to direct their next film. Take Todd Solondz, for example. Now, in looking back on his career, I think we can all agree that his favourite decade would have to be the go-go 90s, quite a time for films like his. He was at the apex of critical and audience buzz with Welcome to the Dollhouse, and these were in the days when Sundance was the only indie film festival, so you HAD to be good. Yes, no longer a player in bit parts such as the Zany Reporter in Married to the Mob, he was now in the big ol' director's chair on the giant lift that goes up and down WHEN HE SAYS SO. With all this cinematic political capital saved up, his next flick was Happiness (1998), and he took the opposite approach to Baseketball with this one, saying HIMSELF in an interview that well, you can just choose not to see it if you want, instead of saying that if you don't get the joke, you're just a humorless right-wing Christian. I applaud him with one hand clapping for that. But he weathered the storm, and big-time indie producer James Schamus and his company called Good Machine stood by Mr. Solondz until his next feature in 2001, Storytelling. Shorter, wiser, but no less controversial, I guess. Nuff said.

And in keeping with his new-found 3 year gestation period he managed to crank out his 2004 masterpiece, Palindromes. Some of the critics loved it, others not, while more importantly, others like those wise-asses over at the Onion were noticing the trend and slapping on dirty labels like ... oh, I don't know, things like "Oh, here we go again with another Todd Solondz picture, full of his unique brand of awkwardness and awfulness." Those kinds of things that you don't want people to think about. And yet, everyone goes gaga for I'm Not There. What an unfair universe we live in. And so, he missed his next 3 year mark with no film in 2007, and nothing scheduled in the near future! You're not Martin Brest here, fella! Or Terrence Malick. Gotta keep busy now.

And from there it just gets worse. Apparently he used his own money to finance Palindromes, and it's always a bad sign when it says on the internet that your "life savings" was used to do it. Well, we can't all be Jennifer Fox over here. So what does the future hold for provocateur extraordinaire Todd Solondz? Well, he did get a mention in an Onion article about the top 20 director provocateurs, so maybe someone will jump to his financial aid, and he can do a follow-up to Storytelling. I suggest calling it something like "Redemption" or "Back from the Brink". Meantime, guess you'd better have a pint with some of the others trapped in Auteur Purgatory, like Bill Forsyth and Pat O'Connor and Martin Brest and Whit Stillman ... oh, wait, not Whit Stillman. He just jumped on that Christopher Buclkey Gravy Train. Good for you, Yuppie Trilogy Sellout!

Swing Vote, Sweet Chariot...

Welp, I was planning on finding a nice still of... which one? Something from a Rob Cohen flick in honor of his just barely making #1 helming something that isn't his own franchise to be, but I figured, what the hell. Time to put my new fangled statistical knowledge to use. Please note the handy bar charts to the right. As you can see, figure 1 is this week's totals of our ever loving Top 10, and figure 2 is how much they made.
Notice how neck and neck Batman Begins 2 and The Mummy 3 are at #1 and #2 respectively, well into the 40 million dollar range. But then, there's this huge drop off! And we drop down to Step Brothers at #3 with a paltry 16.3 million in the bank this week. But it's all good, because they can still run the "#1 comedy in America" ads on TV. A bit disingenuous for my taste; to me, The Mummy 3 is the #1 comedy this week, but you gotta give it to Will Ferrell. At least Step Brothers isn't biting the big one like Semi-Pro did.
As for the rest of Figure 1, well, it gently slopes downward as we see how the rest of the films in the Top 10 scraped up all the box office crumbs. All those families who already saw Wall-E going to Space Chimps. No, the only really impressive showing is Journey to the Center of the Earth which, by God, is clinging to the center of the Top 10 with all its fingernails and toenails. Eric Brevig, your directing career ain't over, buddy! And I have a feeling Brendan Fraser's going to get top dollar for his next feature, whatever it may be. Maybe a Roger Ramjet movie. We're way overdue for that one.
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Checking out Figure 2 all too briefly, we see that of course The Dark Knight kicks ass in both categories. You know, the Wall Street Journal reports that TimeWarner is expecting to make 800 million dollars off the latest escapades of the Caped Crusader. Well, you're halfway there, guys! And for those of you who're rabid fans of Iron Man, I'm sure Variety will give you the full scoop because it's probably still in the Top 50.
...oh, according to IMDb it's in the 300 range with Indiana Jones, so never mind. Our fledglings at #7 and #8 are just barely leaving the nest just over the 200 million dollar hump. But any way you slice it or dice it, Swing Vote is performing poorly. In fact, you might use the word ... PATHETIC!!!!! But in all seriousness let me just say this about Swing Vote. Frasier is so good in it, I thought he was Fred Thompson for a second there. I'd go see Swing Vote, but Dane Cook doesn't have a role in it. I mean, what gives, Costner? He was in Mr. Brooks with you, right? It's not like Dane was busy or anything! You could of given him the part of the Democratic challenger! Wouldn't have that been fitting somehow, dontcha think?

Short Reviews - July 2008

Okay, Wilonsky! It's go time, you bald bastard.

While we're waiting for the release of Final Fantasy LXXIV on Playstation 3, I'm going through my old papers, you know, and I had this written down on a piece of paper from, geez, about 17 years ago? I'm not going to go so far as to carbon date it, but I think even the average movie goer can figure out what this is a list of.

Fruit cart!
Scare, relaxes, then attack
Dumb Parents
Killer's gotta talk first
Hidden Product Placement
Hero falls before winning
Check the Back Seat!
Disrupted continuity

And the list goes on... Time for short reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 41 days to go...

Bell Jar, The (2008) - the REAL Devil Wears prada.

The Beast (of War) - Erick Avari's one serious dramatic role. Take heed, Badreya!

Lost Boys: The Tribe - All right! Frog and Emerson are back, baby!

From Ten to Midnight - Sounds like it makes The Evil that Men Do look like a classic.

Atlas Shrugged - Somehow I think Alisa Rosenbaum... I mean, Ayn Rand fans will be disappointed with this subjective, noumenal version.

Christmas with the Kranks - I can't bear to watch the whole thing, but this much I know: when Tim Allen is the lonely, alienated guy looking in the house window at the party going on, something's wrong. Something's definitely very wrong. With all of us.

Fearless Frank - Well, we all gotta start somewhere.

Mamma Mia! the movie - Well, I guess it's better than another one of those post-Animal House so-called National Lampoon films with Paris Hilton, but not by much.

Space Chimps - Well, if you have a movie about chimps these days, they gotta fling some poo. They just gotta. The ever-decreasing national pool of word-association memes dictates it. Even if they only open the freeze-dried pack of chocolate pudding and very tastefully fling poo by proxy, there's still gotta be some flung poo. Even the kids are expecting that.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Something like that. Hey, Woody's a busy guy! He doesn't have time to remember all these stupid titles. Incidentally, Woody, you said you'd do a Seattle movie someday. You said! It's in print! You said you would! Work 'Starbucks' into the title, will ya?

Meet Dave - It's been prejudged as hell for me, even more so than Vampire in Brooklyn, but I dunno. It still looks kinda funny, call me crazy. ...Too late, it's already out on DVD. Is Charlie Murphy back out of the biz yet?

Mystery Date - Licence to Drive II

And speaking of the ever fetching Teri Polo...
Passed Away - Every Catholic family's dream. Or nightmare, either way.

Labor Pains - It's post-Disney Lindsay Lohan, so I know I don't want to see it. Unless, of course, Tina Fey's in it. I hear the movie's based on something Lindsay actually tried once! Kewl!

G.I. Joe - Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand... hey, wait a minute! Where's Joe?

Terra - Wait til they get a load of Wall-E!...

Swing Vote - Kevin Costner's Man of the Year.

My Best Friend's Girl - Sounds good, but I'm waiting for the sequel My Best Friend's Girl 2: Here She Comes Again. Sorry, Tank!

Bangkok Dangerous - Oh, Stanley Goodspeed. When did you get to be so bad? Was it the money?

blockquote

Congrats, Batman. You've just earned a round of sarcastic applause.

Oh, I know the TWX stockholders are beaming about this one. Oh, gone are the days when they were raking in even more money from the whole Harry Potter v. Lord of the Rings East Coast-West Coast division, but it's gonna be a good summah ne'theless. As soon as this damn rain stops!
Yeah, but it's not all good news, is it? Did you hear the latest about Amy Winehouse? Did you know she's a soul singer? I didn't even know that! I know I'm getting old when you got pop stars like Jessica Simpson and Amy Winehouse and you've never even heard their songs. And you know you're getting old when you listen to Miley Cyrus and think, you know? She DOES rock! Forget Clapton and this whole Led Zeppelin crap, Miley Cyrus rocks. Well, I hope Ms. Winehouse's latest stay at the hospital goes better than her boyfriend's latest stay in the pokey. Fingers crossed, honey child.
All right, enough monkeying around. I'm going to work from my Excel file on this one in tallying up this week's box office. And at #10 it's Wanted. Toil and tears indeed! Oh, it's all so unreal. But before we do like the bullet and say goodbye for good, after crunching the numbers I find that this one has the fourth highest take of the ten, with 129 million in a Russian bank. Or should I say, it's the #1 biggest total for an R-rated movie. That is, if you don't count The Dark Knight; that seemed a little R-rated to me. Was it just me? Okay, James McAvoy, now that Wanted has taken all it can from the box office, it's back to being an insignificant nobody for you, just like your character in the movie.
Cuz it's time to move on to #9, and it's Space Chimps. And did I mention already that it's a shoe-in for being the Best Animated Feature nominee that doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning? I mean, Wall-E's the shoe-in, Kung Fu Panda is the close second, and ... yeah. Unless Jimmy Neutron's got another animated feature coming out. Well, S.C., will you last another week or not? I'm thinking not.
As for #8, it's Hellboy 2, and it's the #1 Mike Mignola comic book-based action flick on the top 10 this week. With just an anemic 66.1 million total in the bank? PATHETIC! And I thought the economy was strong and getting stronger, my friends. Shows you what I know. Some economist I've turned out to be. Might have to relinquish my Nobel Prize for Economics / Movie Reviewing after all.
Coming in at #7 it's Wall-E and it's the #1 animated pic on the top 10 this week. I think it's Pixar's most expensive venture to date. Welp, here's hoping it did well overseas, because it just barely recouped its catering budget with 195 million in the bank. Awful lot of 180 million dollar blockbusters out there this year! I remember the good ol' days when these people who worked on movies didn't get cost of living increases, and every movie cost 30 million dollars to make. But it was a different time, you know. There was a youth bubble, and people back then had more fun. Must of been all the illegal drugs. Yeah, that must of been it.
At #6, it's Hancock, and it's the #1 historical biopic about the founding fathers this week at the box office. Good, these things aren't just consigned to HBO miniseries territory or something.
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Awright, just cleared the halfway point. And with it we come to JCE: Journey to the Center of the Earth coming in at #5, and it's the #1 kitschy adventure movie for kids. I didn't know dinosaurs AND asteroids lived in the center of the earth! I thought it was all magma! Of course, some say it's a black hole, or a portal to another dimension that keeps our ol' Earth spinning so fast. Well, all that astronomical brainiac stuff makes my head spin way too fast. And besides, I don't want my nose getting lopped off like ol' Tycho Brahe. Oh, don't get me started. Vinny Vincent! Why did you lop the ol' ear off, babe? Run out of brushes?
Where was I? Oh yeah, at #4 it's That 70s X-Files Sequel, and it's the #1 movie based on a cancelled Fox TV drama this week with an anemic 10 million in the bank. PATHETIC!!!!! Oh, how I miss my different font sizes. See, it's cuz they think this blog is done automatically so they had to take away some of my features and tinkertoys. Making hyperlinks has always been a chore for me, but now it's even more so. Well, it's not that bad, I guess. I'm just grousing and complaining about the way things used to be again. Let me retype that: I'm just grousing and complaining AGAIN about the way things used to be. Yeah, that's more like it. Meantime, let's do better, X-Files, okay? Don't want you to be a one-weeker like Meet Dave, all right?
Moving briskly along to #3, it's Mamma Mia! The #1 musical this week. And moving even more briskly along to #2, it's the #1 comedy at the box office this week, and it's Step Brothers! Just like the industry insiders predicted, this didn't stand a chance against the bat. But it's still doing better than Ferrell's last pic, Semi-Pro. But both are a bold move into R-rated territory, where even Sandler fears to tread. And for good reason! I know, that was a low blow, right? But once again I digress. Congrats, Ferrell, and I'm already looking forward to your next McKay collaboration due in 2010, and of course the other five pictures you'll do in between. Will at least two of them have something to do with the 70s? Will one of them feature you with an afro? I'm hoping a big double-yes!
And #1, Batman, two weeks in a row, shattering box office records, blah blah blah, yawn yawn. Heard it all before. I gotta go.

Holy Inflation-Adjusted Credit Derivatives, Batman!

Aw, man! That's what I get for procrastinating. Wasn't anti-procrastinating enough. Well, I sure can't let the biggest weekend in Hollywood history pass me by without commenting on it. But let's build the tension slowly by starting with Kung Fu Panda at #10, karate chopping Meet Dave down to #13 or lower. I don't read Variety slavishly so who knows how low that one dropped to. Coming at #9 it's Get Smart, yeah yeah yeah. Is The Nude Bomb any good? Maybe that'll be the sequel.
Meanwhile the Russian mafia's still boffo with Wanted at #8, Morgan Freeman's favorite movie of 2008, personally. Not that he didn't have fun with The Dark Knight or anything. It's just that, why should he have to work for scale? You'll feel like you got scooped up into a sports car too!
And rounding out the bottom 10 it's the other two nominees for Best Animated Picture 2008, Wall-E and Space Chimps. It's going to be a tough year, but I think Wall-E will emerge triumphant, for not only is there big merchandising behind this, but a big budget for big splashy "For your consideration" ads in Variety.
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And on to the top five, finally. The first casualty of the superhero bubble is Hellboy 2 with an anemic 10 million in the bank this week! Maybe they can submit a dubbed version in Spanish to qualify for the Best Foreign Film Oscar. Good plan, eh?
At #4 it's JCE to all the hipsters, but for those of you who aren't in the know, like me, it's Journey to the Center of the Earth. Or, the latest non-Jurassic Park flick to use one of them big ol' CGI dinosaurs. Kewl! But for sheer brontosauri, you gotta go with the director's cut of 2005 King Kong. Man, there must be about a million of 'em what get piled up. Fire up the grill!
Rounding out the top 3 it's Hancock, and some publication, not even Variety, mentioned that this is the latest Will Smith to make more than 200 million. Apparently this is his fifth in a row, or eighth. Man, what's a brother gotta do to get some respect around here?
At #2 it's Mamma Mia. It's sort of a family picture. Not quite like that Hairspray. Now THAT was a good family picture, and a musical to boot. Well, one of these days the Oscar committee will make a new category for Best Musical. The market will be that clogged with 'em I tells ya! Oh it'll be glorious, just like Bollywood.
And finally at #1, it's another reboot, this time of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman, which incidentally ALSO featured Harvey Dent, but in a more diminished capacity, and what's that all about anyway? Yes, it's the indie film sensation of the year, Batman Begins 2: The Dark Knight. With its cast of unknowns and shaky-black and white super 8mm cinematography, it's the biggest Hollywood Cinderella story of the ... oh, wait, I'm confusing it with The Blair Witch Project. I hate when that happens. Well, what can be said that hasn't already been beaten to death about this thing? Did you know that Christian Bale beat up his mum this week? Couldn't of picked worse timing! But I don't think this is going to hurt the movie's box office take that much. But make no mistake about it, we're all living in Harsh Times. Still, ya gotta be impressed, folks. It'll be a while before we see a film like this beloved by critics, and people waiting in line to see, even at 9 in the morning! Why, this is the biggest opening of a film since ... Spider Man 3? But that was terrible! I gotta go.

Where in the World is ...

If you're anything like me, (and if you're reading this you either are like me, or more likely, you ARE me) what with this being an election year and all, you've probably been wondering to yourself ... where the heck has Brendan Fraser been all this time? Well, according to his detailed resumé at the IMDb.com, after successful stints opposite The Mummy and the Looney Tunes, he took some time off to do some things more like 1998's Gods and Monsters. Well, now, he was in Crash(2004) ... wait a minute! Shouldn't that be Crash 2005? I mean, it DID win Best Picture after all, right? Is that ancient history already? Anyway, for all you nay-sayers out there who thought his career slipped into some kind of permanent midnight or something, watch out world! Because the Fraze has gone from Journey to the End of Night to this week's #3 entry, the latest remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth. That's right, he's gone from Monkeybone to The Mummy 3 coming out on August 1st. Hopefully The Dark Knight will have petered off a little bit by then and that can make some money, too. So, since Journey's probably not going to be in the Top 10 next week, let me give out the briefest of shout-outs to special effects man turned director Eric Brevig. Howsit feel, buddy? Being in that big ol' director's chair? For who better to know how to direct a pic these days than a special effects guy who's spent the last 20 years clawing his way to the top of his craft, through dreck like Total Recall and Men in Black, finally to make a little dreck all your own? Personally, I prefer Albert Pyun's Journey to the Center of the Earth, but that's just me.

Damn! Sorry, folks, having a little intractable hardware trouble. Okay, what else we got this week? Kittredge hanging in at #10, doing similarly as Little Miss Sunshine, only America fell in love with that one a little bit harder if I remember correctly.
Hancock, Hellboy 2, yeah yeah yeah. Wanted and Get Smart tied at $112 million cume. There was an interesting thing over at The Onion about the Wall-E backlash. Just wait til they get a load of Terra! ...nothing? I'd say that's much worse. But anyway, if Wall-E really did cost $180 million to make, I'd say the 'hippies' over at Pixar will have to be a little more conservative in their next choice.
But the thing I really wanted to brush up on is this little thing called Meet Dave. Now, most of the people I know are still suffering from Eddie Murphy Fatigue (EMF) even though they liked Shrek, but I say, aw c'mon! Give a brother a chance! At least he's trying! Yeah, I remember the good ol' days of Pluto Nash, the days when it seemed like every 100 million dollar movie out there was doing SOME business. And then P. Nash hit and crashed big time. Didn't crack the Top 10 if I remember correctly! And Luis Guzman was in it and everything! Now, I ask you, HOW in the hell do you go wrong with Luis Guzman in your movie? Wow. Very wrong. Check out those numbers. And now Ron Underwood's directing episodes of Ugly Betty. But the director of Meet Dave? Oh, he's flying high, babies! He's on the Reelz Channel, talking about how he love's going to work in the morning. Hey, he directed Kenan & Kel, he can direct this one. Hell, he did Norbit! Why not.
Where was I? Oh yeah, got sidetracked again. Well, only 12 more hours or so before we find out how much ass Batman Begins 2 really kicked. Maybe they'll get cocky and let Joel Schumacher take over again! heh heh ...

Hollywood Auteur Watch: Peter Berg

Who is that masked man, Smithers? Who is this man claiming to be Michael Mann's right hand man, directing all those things that Mann would've made too long and artsy? And in digital videotape? Who is this guy who looks like Ethan Hawke's... I hate to say evil twin, 'cuz he'd probably kick my ass. Let's just say, angry twin. Face it, Pete, you weren't right for Training Day! Actually, he didn't want to do Training Day just to avoid working with Laws of Gravity co-star Peter Greene. That would've just been awkward. You might remember ol' Pete Berg as the cop in Collateral who extols the virtues of staying in bed and not getting too emotionally involved in this line of work. Someday this character will be truly appreciated. Get on it, all you Ayn Rand decipels!
Deciphels? Decipels? Anyway, he's come a long way from Very Bad Things. But that was the go-go 90s, you know? But Pete's learned his lessons, sowed his wild directorial oats, so to speak, and has finally grown up, and figured out what people really want to see at the movie theater. Things like Hancock at #1. No surprise there. Although, maybe the numbers could've been a little better. Did a little better than Wall-E, which comes in second this week with half of Hancock's take. More than three times the take of #3, Wanted. Both Smith and Jolie were in Shark Tale, remember? Seems like only four years ago.
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What else? Things pretty much break down as they did last week, except that Kit Kittredge has completely eliminated M. Night's entry at #8 with a paltry 3.6 million dollars, and somewhere, Dakota Fanning is smiling.

...well! I owe someone an apology. Peter Berg was NOT IN Laws of Gravity. I'm just not sure who I owe an apology to. Nick Chinlund maybe. And now I better get back to work.


...one quick addendum. Dune? Really, Pete? DUNE? Even after the Sci-Fi TV version, does this really need to be re-remade? Why not re-do Stargate while you're at it? Or Total Recall? Okay, gotta go for real now. My disk defragmenter seems to be taking longer and longer. Is that another one of those computer geek signs of prosperity, like a full-to-bursting browser cache? I just dunno.

brought to you by ... THE LIP SQUAD

And it's the super-babes who reign triumphant in second place this week! With her undeniable, overpowering sexiness that even Jennifer Aniston couldn't fight, Jolie plays a character named Fox in Wanted. You know, if I were her, I'd object to such objectification of women. But we're living in the age of sexy sexism. Why, I remember when they had ads on the TV for films like A Fine Mess where the chick is walking away into the bedroom and disrobes on the way in. What do they call that in the biz? Cucaloris, something like that. There's a term for everything nowadays. See, nowadays, when a movie starlet does that she has to have a giant tattoo on her back or something, or one of those tummy bracelets. See, there's more pressures on girls and women nowadays, even from me! Well, not so much from me, and that's such a turn-off.
And speaking of Jolie, she's also featured in this week's #4 entry, Kung Fu Panda. Speaking of which, I haven't been to Panda Express in a while. They running ads for it there? If not, they missed a golden opportunity. Lucy Liu's in it, too. Wasn't she great on Ally McBeal? You remember her character of course, all you pervs out there, right? Also doing voices are Seth Rogen, Kyle Gass and Wayne Knight. Between them and Jack Black, that's gotta represent a metric ton of Hollywood male un-sexiness, am I right ladies?
At #6 it's The Love Guru. If Mike Myers had a production company, it'd be an unhappy couple months there. Someone else beat me to the wise-ass observation that Myers picked a weak director so he could control the shoot. On their behalf, looks like they've been working their way up through the previous films of M. Jay Roach to become a director in their own right. Man, I wouldn't trade places with them for anything. So many years of ass-kissing, so many wasted months on something called 'The Librarian'. Are you TRYING to alienate the American market? As for you, Myers, better get cracking on Austin Powers 4. Remember! Demi Moore's the love interest this time.
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On to #8, it's The Happening. What is this, the swinging 60s?
And moving quickly on to #10... oh wait, that's right, already did it. At #9, closing out the feminist shanghai-ing of the box office, it's Sex and the City. A buddy of mine asked me, doesn't that look awful? Well, he's just a sexist, right, ladies?
Did I cover all the points? Oh yeah, the other members of The Lip Squad. Lemme know if I left any out. I tried to find a good photo of the Bratz, but I wasn't happy with them. Check out Scully in The X Files part 2: Chris Carter Has to Believe.

I Don't Need No Wah-Wah

As in WA(LL-E) and WA(nted). Get it? Anyway, this is why I have to do something I think I've never done before. I have to split this week's top 10 into oddsies and evensies to reflect the trends at work here. On the one hand you have the G-rated Wall-E from Pixar at #1, and at a close second you have the Russian blood and sex fest that is Wanted at #2. I haven't seen anything like it since... since... since Jurassic Park 2 and Addicted to Love opened at #1 and #2! Something like that. It's all I could think of; sorry. So let's break it down like a proverbial enzyme; I haven't got all night.
Boy, that Pixar can sell anything. Yeah, but they'll get cocky someday and release a raunchy beach party movie that one of the Pixar bigwigs wrote 25 years ago, I can feel it. Meantime, the robot flick made a whopping 63 million dollars. Just another day at the office for these folks. The key is the merchandising, I'd imagine. Am I right, parents? Wall-E lunch boxes, Wall-E glasses for the kids, Wall-E combination binoculars and digital camera from Hammacher Schlemmer? Hell, you could probably get a battery-powered Wall-E single-person sized car like George Clooney supposedly drives around, but have it shaped like Wall-E. But when it's Oscar time, I have the feeling that Kung Fu Panda's going to get it. Just a feeling. Might be wrong, might be wrong.
Anywho, at #3 it's Get Smart. Happy now, all you Carell fans who hated Evan Almighty? Can ya blame a guy for stretching his acting legs? Nice to see whats-his-face from Borat getting some more work. Just as long as I don't have to see him naked in this one.
Moving on briskly to #5, and it's ... what was it? The Incredible Hulk. Well, I hope you're happy. You've hurt Ang Lee's feelings. He's Stan Lee's brother, you know. I'd expect that kind of thing from him, but I certainly wouldn't have expected that from you.
At #7 it's Indiana Jones 4, just finally passing the 300 million mark. Well, Spielberg must be happy about that! I can't remember the last time he did that. Lemme check. Amistad? Munich? The Terminal? Oh, I'm getting sidetracked again. Guess it was Jurassic Park. Man, it kicked Last Action Hero's ass all over the place! Hah! ...am I the only one who remembers? I mean, besides this guy?
And finally, at #9... nah, let's make it #10. I'll tie in #9 later somehow. At 10 it's Zohan, numerically and alphabetically at the end of our list. Smell it, smell it, now take it, yeah, it'll take a while to get that out of my head. But it'll be on cable soon enough, and it'll be just like all the other Happy Madison films on cable, won't it?
Welp, since I just watched Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that!

This vs. This

Man! The way they were talking on the TV about it... I won't say what channel to protect their anonymity... Okay, it was Reelz Channel, which is turning into E! for just movies, which I kinda like, but all they could talk about last weekend was Get Smart and The Love Guru. Which will be #1? Which one? The way they were talking you'd think the two were evenly matched or something, but no! Apparently all the teens and tweens have betrayed the Mike-ster, and all the good times he's given them with all the Austin Powers movies, and all the Shrek movies, and dared not venture into semi-virgin territory with his latest venture, The Love Guru. (T.L.G. I call it for short.) No, G. Smart's da ting this week, handily at #1, with 38.7 million in the bank. And yet, people will still say that Tommy Boy's their favorite Peter Segal movie. Really? What about the unrated Nutty Professor 2? What about the unrated My Fellow Americans? How can you be so shallow, America?
Meanwhile, back at the lab, at #2 it's The Incredible Hulk, almost past the 100 million barrier. Damn! We were THIS close to Luc Besson directing it. He probably would've cast Bjork as the love interest or something. The Movie Connections tab calls it a version of the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk. If that were me I'd feel slighted. Guess this one's a little less ethereal. And am I the only one who's noticed that Robert Downey Jr. is in this one as Tony Stark? I must be. Well, if I had a cable show I'd mention it like gangbusters. (wink, whink)
At #3 it's KFP, or Kung Fu Panda. Suck on it, Wall:E!
At #5 it's The Happening, already doing better than Lady in the Water, which M. Night can't help but be happy about, I bet. Oh, I forgot. He doesn't have to worry about those kinds of things. His next movie will be about how bad things happen to Hollywood producers who don't greenlight his next bi-annual $50 mill-plus Hitchcock/Twilight Zone tribute.
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Rounding out the rest of the top 10 we get the two heavyweights of the summer season so far, Iron Man and Indy 4. Indy's almost at 300 million, Iron Man's just over it. But Iron Man cost more, so nyaah nyaah!
Meanwhile Zohan's at #7, and almost at 100 million. Not quite as impressive as Sandler's 2007 project, Chuck and Buck or whatever it was, but I think he's safe. Just spare us Big Stan 2, will ya?
Meanwhile, Sex and the City's at #8 with 6.5 mill this week, and 132 mill total. Oddly enough, HBO's not going to show it! It'll only be on Showtime. The mind boggles.
And finally the one we haven't tangentially or directly dealt with yet, The Strangers at #10. Well, with Liv Tyler in it, does that make it Silent Fall 2? I gotta go.

'Sex' trumps 'Indy'

Damn! Behind again. Better keep it short. Now I'm no mathematician, but the Sex and the City movie must've done very very well, seeing as how it's another one of those damn 2.5 hour epics. They must've put it in 50,000 theaters across the country. Or, the new Indy flick must've really sucked! Just kidding, but man! Haven't seen anything like it since Legally Blonde 1 kicked AI's ass! Owch.
What else? The Strangers at #3... I forget. I saw a trailer for it, looked pretty scary. But frankly, these nouveau horror pics are so homogeneous (similar) that it's hard to tell them apart. But we can all agree that See no Evil (2006) is a genuine turd.

Yeah, I know, there's one teenager out there who posted "This is the greatest movie I've ever seen!" We've been down that road before.
Not much else to report this go round. Speed Racer & Baby Mama cling by fingernails, and Made of Honor slightly trumps Made of Shame, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Okay, on to the Zohan week. Should I even bother attempting the word verification? It won't go anyway on the first iteration because I take so long typing in all this blog.

Short Reviews - May '08

In movie news, Spike Lee's next epic is a go. Originally going to be Jungle Fever 2, the script was slightly tweaked and is now going to be called O.J. Yeah, that's right! In a casting coup, Spike landed Taye Diggs as O.J. Simpson, and landed himself as Al Cowlings. It's going to be a 200+ minute epic, and O.J. has apparently signed on as executive producer, on the condition that his share of the profits go to "charity". We'll see. On to the rest now...

(The) Last Action Hero - Welp, that says it best for me!

Teacher's Pet - Gary Baseman: The Motion Picture. My God! What would happen if Baseman and Keith Haring had a baby?

Juno - Oscar winner for Best Original Screenplay. Here's my question: "He's the cheese to my macaroni." First of all, this is the stuff of an Oscar winning screenplay? And second, and bear in mind I don't know a whole lot about love, or lust, or any of that kind of crap, but shouldn't the genders be switched on that one? In other words, shouldn't he be the macaroni to her cheese? It's all very confusing to me. But all I really need to know is that it's hip. Very painfully hip. Not cool, because it's swimming too fast in its own hipness to keep cool.

The Bachelor - Now, the sexual metaphor here you can understand! Grasses. I love it.

Speed Racer - That was the problem. It sped too fast into our hearts. Ya gotta slow down and savor certain things. Like press junkets.

Another Woman - Woody Allen does Cassavetes

Escape to Witch Mountain - I remember it better.

The Love Bug - Oh, where would Disney be without the public schools?

Bombs Away - Am I the only one who knows this movie? Probably!

The Border - Did Walter Hill drop out at the last minute?

The Wizard of Speed and Time - They had it on VHS at my local video store, but it was busted. The tape was severed from the reel right at the beginning of the tape, so I couldn't play it. Is that close enough?

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man - If nothing else, I know where they got the big shootout at the end of True Lies from!

Point Break - I know where they got True Lies' big turning-a-gas-pump-into-a-flame-thrower gag from!

Lady Against the Odds - Homer!

Lost & Found - Tommy Boy 2

Creepshow 3 - Makes the second one look like a masterpiece.

Isobar - What Silver Streak was for Chicago?

The Holiday - Dean Cundey? Really? Where's the special effects? Must be harkening back to his Galaxina days.

Touch - Skeet Skeet Skeet!

Winning - Paul Newman as Frank Capra? Do I have that right?

Winter Passing - I know I shouldn't be burned out on dry-witted movies like this, but for some reason I am.

Winter People - Meant to see it, thought it was Winter Passing.

Remo Williams - Decent flick, but man! The rollicking Sousa-esque Remo theme song got a little old after a while.

Robin Williams on Broadway - Oh he's still got it, baby. That, and the fact that he doesn't have to work a day in his life ever again.

Sex and the City: The Motion Picture - All right! So which one gets raped?

The Zohan, You don't mess with - Adam Sandler's Munich

Graham Norton Effect, The - That's what I get for going through old video tapes. Thought I forgot about this one.

Tomcats - Does Shannon Elizabeth end up marrying Jake Busey? I couldn't stick around to find out, I just couldn't.

Hancock - It does look funny. It's the kind of thing Martin Lawrence couldn't pull off. Not until he does a couple more Disney movies, anyway.


That's probably more than enough for now, huh?