Auteur Watch (Hollywood) - Ken Kwapis

So what do you get for the guy who's directed everything? Everything from Sesame Street to Malcolm in the Middle to Larry Sanders? I mean, seriously? A fruit basket? About 5 weeks paid vacation a year? This dude's a dynamo! While never having a really truly breakout cinematic hit, his proudest achievement is probably Beautician and the Beast, even though he had to brave working with Timothy Dalton. Or maybe he's proud of the Panavision cameras of He Said, She Said. But it's all above reproach, really. Especially Vibes, the blatant 80s MTV cash-in attempt that most directors have on their resumé in one way or another.

Give up? I suppose the answer to the question off the top is: yet another stab at box office glory. Sof ar the aughts have provided Mr. Kwapis with all the TV work he can handle and then some. OTOH, he's no Joel Zwick. But he's been able to squeeze in the occasional theatrical release. And so comes License to Wed, the latest entry in Robin Williams' Comeback Tour. So far it ain't the late 80s all over again, when Robin and Levinson were riding high and turning everything to gold, and I mean EVERYTHING, but he's not lean and hungry like he was back then, is he? And this time, it's the hearts and minds of the Christian Right we're trying to win back, and not just the Viet Cong. And I tell you what, if this breaks 100 mill, Mr. Kwapis, it's Travel(l)ing Pants 2 time! And I don't mean direct-to-video, either! Or if you like, you can just produce and Brian Levant'll have to direct! Like a true Hollywood auteur. Heh heh...

p.s.: Not that you'll do it, but with all this new cache you'll have, I happen to have a script that would be perfect for you. It's like All of Me, but it's about a girl who channels the spirit of Ed Sullivan, and I think America Ferrara would be perfect for it... call me!

Short reviews: June 2007

V

About a month ago I stumbled across the coolest Internets thing since Virtual Sliced Bread! It was a Four-Word movie review! I mean, really, what more do you need than that? And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Maybe a little jealous, but I know a good thing when I see one, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon this month with my own feeble stab at cashing in on the hot new trend. And so,...



Ratatouille - Someone order bubonic plague?

Kansas City - Stockholm Syndrome, my ass!

Pink Panther 2 - Say it ain't so! (or 'Is it cost effective?' ... Damn! I knew I couldn't do it...)

American Buffalo - Coulda been better, Teach.

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend - Eat it, Jurassic Park!

Lonely Hearts - Gandolfini getting type-casted?

Above the Law - Steven Seagal kicks ass!

Mr. Brooks - White Men Behaving Badly

Harry Potter 5 - Potter's mid-life crisis.

Hard to Kill - Seagal's hard to kill.

Superman 5 - Superman's a little pouty.

The Tiger and the Snow - Roberto Benigni's NEXT holocaust.

Silver Surfer - Totally not Terminator 2.

Marked for Death - Seagal kicks Jamaican ass!

'Rescue Me' - Don't hate the uniform.

Out for Justice - Seagal kicks Goombah ass!

Talk Radio - That Durn Liberal Media!

Under Siege - Seagal kicks Oscar ass!

Evan Almighty - Even snakehandlers like it!

On Deady Ground - Seagal kicks Greenpeace ass!

Kung Pow 2 - Four years too late...

Under Siege 2 (aka Steven Seagal 7) - Seagal kicks SEQUEL ass!

Superbad - Long time gone, Mottola!

Bob Roberts - That durn liberal media!

Eraserhead - David Lynch's pediatrics nightmare.

Executive Decision - Seagal gets ass kicked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The Flight of the Conchords" - They Might Be Giants?

Ticker - Seagal. Pyun. Somehow inevitable.

Evening - Holy chick flick, Batman!

Network - That Durn Liberal Media!

Cabin Boy - Colleen? Assignment in Hell!

Knocked Up - Heigl trumps Alba, finally!

speaking of which...

Zyzzyx Road - Coolest box office ever!


Magic - This better make money...

Dreamscape - Norm's best movie role.

"The Flight of the Conchords" - HBO finds next Borat.

Thank You for Smoking - That Durn Liberal Media!

License to Wed - Kwapis: Ship still out...



Next month: 3 word movie reviews

close enough

And it's official! Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13. Oh, bitter dis-appointment. I haven't felt this let down since Alien v. Predator got the same rating! You'd think between the two of 'em it'd get an NC-17 for violence alone! Guess Verhoeven wasn't directing.

Okay, let's sneak up slowly on this week's Box Office, to make the new arrival's glory that much more glorified. At #10 it's Spider Man 3, and I hate to say it, but what the hell ... PATHETIC! Must be on video in China already... WITH commentary! How sad is that. Of course, the commentary is in Chinese, and the audience that night all chip in their two cents, but at least you didn't have to wait and pay the Costco premium price.

At #9 it's Mr. Brooks. Tig Productions, don't give up your day job!

Hostel 2 clocks in at #8. Well, it's still doing way better than The Condemned. Can't Quentin be friends with both?

At #7 it's Nancy Drew. Oh dear, does this mean that Emma Roberts is doomed to a lifetime of Hollywood outcast-ery just like ol' pappy Weirdo? Or does it mean that the recession's finally hitting the Nickelodeon crowd? Well, Emma, you just might be okay if the Maxim crowd embraces you. It's what saved Rose's career! Personally, I'd blame the director. He's still trying to get back into the Hollywood auteur crowd.

At #6 it's Shrek 3, and it's managed to maintain its lead over Pirates at 297 million, yet still lags 30 million behind Spider Man 3. PATHETIC!!!!!

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And now the bigger half of the pie, starting off with Surf's Up at #5. Yawn, dude.

At #4 it's Pirates 3, and the big news of the week is that Depp's made a big pile of money his own self from this, about 92 million according to Forbes magazine! Man, no pirate loyalty! Still, it should take care of those pesky alimony problems for a while. And yet, he's not looking forward to Pirates 4. Can you believe that?

At #3 it's Knocked Up, still hanging in there. You know why? Well, part of its success is the simplicity of its poster: Seth Rogen's mug. Quite simply, the best movie poster since Paternity.

At #2, it's Ocean's 13. And sure, Bernie Mac's ready to retire from stand-up, but he'd rather do Ocean's 14 than another Inspector Gadget sequel. Supposedly.

And finally, as expected, Silver Surfer kicks a little asteroid this week with the biggest take. And who knows, maybe another surfing movie will come along to get caught up in this hot new surfing trend at the box office. Much bigger than the poker movies these days. And the big news is that a Simpsons alum worked on this turkey, thereby de-turkey-fying it a little bit. I haven't seen anything like it since the baby Bills were leaving the big Microsoft nest in the late 90s, and everywhere they went they would spread economic goodwill. But that was a pre-9/11 world, and America is now a petroleum-based economy, not a software-based economy. And speaking of Presidential politics influencing the cinema, why does every movie have to be based on an environmental disaster? Can't there be a superhero movie about an oil man that fights an impending environmental threat that's making gardens too bountiful and makes trees grow too fast? C'mon, Big Idea! You can do it!

Well, better get going. I gotta re-arrange the dirty dishes stacking up again. This is Stinky, over and out.

Bad trip, man. Bad trip.

I dunno. Li'l Bush was good and all, but where's Li'L Rovey? Maybe Season 2, huh? Just another day for JMM, but good job directing, Mr. Cary. You'll be making Groening money before you know it. Meanwhile, Dennis Miller's still trying to revive his career. If Comedy Central can't help do it, no one can. Maybe Spike TV. If Spike'll do it for Pee Wee, they'll do it for anybody!

All right, on to #5. It's Shrek 3, and so far it's slightly ahead of Pirates 3 in total money amassed. You'd think it'd have an advantage being half as long as Pirates 3... Hmm. Must be something wrong.

#4 brings us Surf's Up, this year's Happy Feet. What is it about CGI penguins? I must say that lately I've been coming out of my trailer funk, and this one looked pretty good, although I think the computer animators took some short cuts and used actual footage of killer waves, instead of going the full Nemo.

Knocked Up is still knocking on wood at #3. Guess it's a little more mainstream than 40 Days and 40 Nights. I tell you what, Seth Rogen, if this is still in the top 10 by the time Superbad comes out, you get to meet Spielberg! How's them apples?

PTC3 @ #2. Need more be said? Is Keith coming back for #4?

And finally, O13 takes the cake at #1. Oh sure, they had a big campaign, but they also had an ace up their sleeve: a guest shot by Oprah? Money in the bank, my friends! And for those of you in Oprah's Movie Club that haven't gone to see it yet, shame and double shame on you. Me myself, I haven't seen it yet - did they leave the door open for a fourth installment? I doubt they'll bring back Ellen, though. Just a hunch. Now, you know I hate to do this, but I've gotta call another critic out on this, because they were pickin' on my man Cheadle, saying that he only took this job to pay the rent. Now, why you gotta be bashin' Basher Tarr like dat? Fact is, they're ALL payin' the rent with this one. Clooney, for example, if it weren't for the Ocean's series, wouldn't have a #1 pic for the last 5 years or so. And the 'Yes I Am' beer guy ain't goin' back to the day job, no how. Check and mate. I gotta go ...

Title Here, vol. 1

And another week is slipping by again. Not good! But there's so much news in the headlines it's hard to keep up. The Senate is trying to revive their immigration bill, and I just found out that Cindy Margolis finally FINALLY posed in Playboy! Hurrah, America. Can Britney Spears and Christine Aguilera be far behind? Also, Martin Scorsese and Ellen DeGeneres have done an American Express commercial together. And we're a mere 2 1/2 hours away from the premiere of Li'l Bush. Red States, I wouldn't watch if I were you, it'd just be aggravating. A Simpsons alumnus is responsible for this.

Meanwhile, are we ready for a Mormon president? Is America ready for 10 First Ladies? Which brings us to this week's Top 10. At #10 it's Disturbia, still disturbing innocent theater-goers to the tune of ... $524K? PATHETIC!!! Besides, ads for Transformers are already running. Bet that costs way more than 524K already. Only the finest for Michael Bay.

At #9 it's Waitress. And yet, Keri Russell's still not returning Julia Stiles' calls. Even though they've already done, like, five movies together! OMG! Well, it seems like it, anyway.

At #8 it's Spider Man 3. Oh, Spidey! How far we've fallen. I didn't think you'd get to #8 for at least a couple more weeks! Better stave off Part 4 til 2010. Just a thought. Sam, put Jake on speed-dial just in case.

#7 brings us Mr. Brooks. Oh, I guess it really is every comedian's dream to do that big dramatical role and all. And Dane Cook was pretty good, too.

At #6 it's Hostel 2. Bad timing, I think. Eli, you didn't wait long enough for the stench of Grindhouse to clear. Why didn't you wait til Halloween to go up against Saw 4?

All right, that's all I can handle right now. Hope I didn't leave you high and dry. Stay tuned to this blog for more quips.

Hello!! What's that?!

Much really need not be said about Galaxy Quest. It's solid family entertainment - fun for the kids, and hip enough for the adults aware of the strife amongst the original Star Trek cast. Director Dean Parisot manages to capture the style of Peter Hyams, only entertaining. Not a lot of fancy swooping VistaGlide 2.0 camera moves like they'd have today. It's one of those films doomed to be stamped with a 3-star rating by the major critics because it's neither a David Lean film nor blatant Oscar bait, but I'll give you a four! My only complaint is the following slight nitpick: they have a clip of the 'Galaxy Quest' show from the early 80s, and the special effects are way too fancy for an 80s show.

****

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

p.s.: Where they were then: Justin Long (Die Hard 4, Mac commecial guy - he's the Mac!), Rainn Wilson (Office guy; looks like SNL's Bill Hader)

Depp-ity Do

I just recalled one of those weird-ass dreams one has in the afternoon in the searing spring heat, where I was keeping my trackball mouse next to my bed and I knocked it over and cracked the trackball. One of those 'It Figures!' moments. But I'm awake and it's not broken so I can't help but feel slightly ahead on the deal. Which brings us to another bitter, contentious Box Office dispute this week. So let's start off at the bottom of the barrel, where the disparity between the rich and the poor couldn't be more clear. It's Disturbia at #10 with an anemic 1.13 million at the box office. PATHETIC! But who knows, maybe it'll stick around long enough for Transformers to blow it out of the water, or keep it afloat at #10. I'm in the middle of a Shia sandwich! I see that Carrie-Anne Moss is in this. Hey, Carrie-Anne, what's your game now can anybody play? Let me guess, is there a scene where you close your eyes and look distraught? You can teach that one to your acting class. Rowwrrr! Speaking of which, I love the IMDb's new feature of having photos of the film's premiere, and there's a photo of Kiely Williams of The Cheetah Girls. She gives it five paws! And she never gives a movie five paws.
28 Weeks Later is clinging at #9 a mere 4 weeks later from its USAian premiere. There's some bad grammer in there somewhere, but hey! Not bad for the web, right? And just to show there's no hard feelings, Danny Boyle's the exec prod on this one! Although, guess it hasn't made enough so he can quit the day job. Oh well, c'est la guerre. She is a fierce mistress, whether it's a fake pandemic or a real quagmire.
Speaking of horror films, Bug is at #8. I'm too rushed this week, can't make the segues any cattier. I don't get it! This is an Ashley Judd picture, isn't it? Where's the feminist pride? Where's the revenge on that sneaky ex-hubby? Where's the Big Unifying Theory on the fact that all men are pigs, yet they seek fresh cows? Hell, where's Morgan Freeman?! Too many unanswered questions. That's why it's tanking.
At #7 it's Gracie. Nice try, Davis Guggenheim. There's some of us who remember the liberal genies you let out of the bottle with the Academy-Award winning PowerPoint presentation, An Inconvenient Truth. I don't care if you make a thousand Gracies, the Cato Institute is gonna be on your ass like a redneck on pork rinds. Boo-yah! You just got served, or punk'd, one of the tween. I just don't care anymore.

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Finally we get to a film that made more than 2 million this weekend! It's Waitress at #6, and I assume director Adrienne Shelley gave herself a meatier role than she had in, say, Factotum. Seriously, it was a small role. No lines or anything! WTF?!
Speaking of bugs run amok, at #5 it's Spider Man 3, having only spun 7.58 million worth of silk around that box office public. If I were Sony I'd be getting a little nervous. I know the Spider Man franchise took a walk on the wild side this go-round, 50s Bill Haley style and all, but still. Hey, at least it's not a total write-off like Superman 5, right?
At #4 it's Mr. Brooks which made exactly 10 million dollars. Go ahead! Check Variety. Not one penny over 10 million. Scary. Much like the film itself, I'm told. I guess it made more than Employee of the Month made total, right? Something like that. Both have a long way to go to catch up to Wedding Crashers, anyhow. Uphill all the way, boys.
At #3 it's Shrek 3. Doing pretty well, but it's probably got the most tie-in promotions of any other film out now, even more than Knocked Up at #2. Looks like we can expect another film from Mr. Apatow in 2008! Looks like you survived Celtic Pride after all; Colin, not so much.
At #1 it's Pirates 3. What's with all these three-parters? It's like some kind of curse on the Smurfs or something! Why, we're already up to Saw 4 this Halloween! IMHO - I'm going to go out on a limb here. So far I've only seen two of the Threequels this spring movie season and I can say unequivocally that Pirates 3 was the most entertaining of all. They've managed to do the best job of staying on that even blockbuster keel. And it's probably got the funniest peanut you'll ever see in a blockbuster. How many films can claim that, seriously?

Garry Shandling: GQ's Man of the Decade

Okay, maybe not, but he should be. Aren't these types of magazines getting tired of honoring George Clooney? Besides, he's going to start doing another Coen brothers movie, so he'll be too weird for the Tiger Beat crowd. But Garry Shandling, he's Da Man! We're dipping back into all those old Larry Sanders shows lately. One kinda takes for granted how good they were. I sure hate to think that Johnny Carson was as awkward backstage as Larry was, if that's the show's implication. And apparently they made all of HBO's other shows possible: Curb Your Enthusiasm comes in a close second on the Awkward-o-meter compared to Sanders. Need I mention that the show provided Rip Torn and Jeffrey Tambor with the roles of their lifetimes? I think not. And yes, I am aware of Dodgeball and Another Midnight Run, thank you very much. (TYVM?)

My close friend and I have been talking about Garry Shandling, and we've come to the concensus that Shandling's kind of a weird dude! What's that boxing thing all about? But he's one of these guys that's just naturally funny. There's not many of them. I guess Steve Martin sort of still is. Colbert seems naturally funny; Jon Stewart seems like he needs a script. You know, that kind of thing. I'd go on, but I still want to work in this business. The point of this post being that, Shandling's slowly coming back into the public eye. He was on The Daily Show to flog the latest installment of the Larry Sanders DVD, and he was on Bill Maher's show recently and held his own with Hurlyburly co-star Sean Penn. He said in one of his stand-up specials that he's middle-of-the-road politically. Not a bad place to be; if only more people on the right did that. That, and the boxing thing (it's how he works out, with a boxing trainer...) , I've been getting the vibe that, with all the talk that all these magazines throw about of the Man of the Year, Man of the Decade, the GQs and Details and Maxims and the Vanity Fairs of the world, you need look no further than Garry Shandling! He is your man of the whatever, year, decade, moment. AARP could have him as the It-Guy, if nothing else, but he probably wouldn't like that. :)

Bloody Pirates!

All right, let's tear into this lobster. Usually I wait til Friday but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So let's get into it!

And at #1, it's PTC3 as expected. Bloody pirates! Plenty of advertising and tie-ins to go round on this one; coupled with the fact that this might be the last installment... or is it? Still, they didn't follow my advice. Clocking in at nearly 3 hours, the only way it's going to turn a profit is if it's in around 5000 theaters. What they should've done is made it 18 minutes long. That way it would've been number 1 with 1 billion 400 million dollars! Now that's what I looting the Box Office treasury!

At #2 it's Shrek the Third. What, Donkey's babies aren't cute enough? Farting 'n spewing fire at the most inappropriate times? This season pirates trump all, me matie. Still, good showing.

#3 brings us Spider Man 3, which I suppose it's appropriate. Still, it's leading the pack at 308 million dollars. They can't take that away from it, can they?

Speaking of insects, Bug is at #4 with 4.02 million. Sorry, Friedkin, this is the big drop-off. It's the best thing you've done since Nightcrawlers, but it's just bad timing. It was either that, or a poker movie. And you beat #5 by on 10,000 dollars. PATHETIC! *

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Like they say on Air America, it's time for no snark. Waitress is back at #5, and it's a tribute to its director, Adrienne Shelley, who unfortunately was killed in November 2006. Guess she's not in the same caliber as Anna Nicole Smith or others caught up in the Perpetual Tabloid / Media Conglomerate Celebrity Shit-Storm.

http://www.adrienneshellyfoundation.org/ -Give til it hurts.

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As for 6 to 10 it's all pretty much repeats. Did I already give a shout out to Garry Marshall? If not, keep the faith, brutha. Guess you just better do that sequel to Runaway Bride. That'll get you back to #1! Andyway, 6 to 9 is pretty much BTDT across the board. ...until we get to #10! And it's Wild Hogs! The comeback movie! I'm still speechless!! If I were doing this in a cumulative Top 10, Wild Hogs would be #3 just ahead of Pirates at #4. A Red Letter day for Disney all around, no denying it. All those people who would've had to crane their necks at Pirates went to their fallback Disney movie, which was Wild Hogs. Wow. And Walt Becker, this Red Letter day means that your auto-biopic about the train wreck in a coal mine is getting Green-Lit, with George Clooney in the lead. Eat sod, Soderbergh!

On the other hand, don't get cocky, Disney. Don't let this go to your (cryonically frozen) head. No one's lining up to see Mickey headlining in Fantasia 2010. Peace out. -->

The Movie Hooligan Box Office Retort - More fun than the IMDb Top 10 list, but not by much...

* (see the part about provenance for younger directors, something like that...)

Short Reviews - May 2007

Bruce Almighty 2 - A classic.

Die Hard 4 - Classic.

Pirates 3 - A classic.

Shrek 3 - Classic.

Spider Man 3 - Classic.

Rush Hour 3 - I'm not holding my breath.


The Ex - Wait, didn't this bomb already? Well, we got to find some way to make fun of the wheelchair bound somehow. Basically, the best episode of Scrubs you never saw, when Tommy Lee came into the hospital in a wheelchair and started making moves on Zach Braff's girlfriend. It's funny, right?

Besides, there can only be one Ex. Be mine, Yancy! I'll keep the home fires burning for ya, Witchblade.

Jindabyne - Short Cuts 2.

Red State - Ah, yes, the horror genre... something even Kevin Smith can't screw up... right?

Death at a Funeral - Looks cute! The kind Frank Oz doesn't usually do, or so I once thought...

Chapter 27 - Like a good friend of mine says, we should just ignore this guy to death.

Away from Her - aka Fiona's So Mean to Aubrey. Or Billy Liar 2; I will never give up my Julie Christie!!!

Waitress - 1) Matlock's back and 2) this will do for food what American Beauty did for rose petals.

Georgia Rule - Well, Jane Fonda sure knows how to sell a movie....

Knocked Up - Sorry, guys, even the director of the 40 year old virgin needs something like that Steve Carrell magic...

Hot Rod - an Snl digital short motion picture

Bug - from the director of The Exorcist: already I like it! But why didn't they use that ad campaign for Blue Chips?

Gracie - Goodbye, an inconvenient truth!


belle de jour - a classic

la dolce vita - a classic

irma la douce - not so classic


And finally, No Country For Old Men - What makes Pittsburgh so god damn special? What about Seattle? We like film too! We've got our own international film festival, for God's sake! I'd go there to see Paris, je t'aime but I'm busy that day, and besides I was a little underwhelmed by it on DVD. But I digress. In promulgating my theory on film directors and the significance of decades, the Coens are a special case. It was about this time 10 years ago when they made a comeback of sorts with a film that changed the film landscape, or at least made the fade to white a popular visual schema with Fargo, after failing and falling with The Big Hudsucker... I mean, you know, that one they always show on HBO Family for some reason. Anyway, so Hudsucker was 1994, and The Ladykillers was 2004; are they not making a similar climb-back from a rocky critical precipice? Was I the only one who liked The Ladykillers? I just may be! Well, no one's denying that Irma P. Hall was great in it; I'm just saying I got burned by Nothing To Lose, and bad.

Anyway, here's hoping NCFOM takes the Golden Bear in Berlin... no, wait.

Simpsons update

While there's two more months to wait for the big screen version of the Simpsons, and an even longer wait for an animated Jerry Seinfeld, I must say that I've been pleasantly surprised lately by my favourite TV show. As one of my co-workers once quipped, the Halloween episode is usually the best one of the year. And that's generally true, I conceded. But this season has been above average, like they're getting back to the fundamentals of some of the earlier seasons. Season 4 was a pretty hilarious season, for example: lots of stuff catching on fire and exploding randomly. There's brighter minds out there than mine who have this all figured out, like at Harper's Bazaar or, well, in the Simpsons' own writing room more likely, but I hope they do another TV first and have new episodes all the way up to the movie's release date. SNL's already over for the year! Can you believe that?

I probably shouldn't point any of this out, but a lot of jabs at the Iraq War this year, and they still have no caricature of Dubya yet! They got a Clinton caricature much sooner, even a Bush 41. Some memorable lines too: Kent Brockman asks a guy in a burning house, "Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one's coming to save you?" and the guy says "Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent!" Also, more jabs at Fox News. The Simpsons poses the following brain-teaser: why is it that Fox has crappy programs like strippers running an airline, while Fox News acts as the Thought Police of the Right? Holy doublethink, Batman! And the ancient rivalry between Kent Brockman and Arnie Pye continues. Also, even though the Simpsons movie is in 2-D, it does look like it relied a bit on computer animation, as has the show recently, in a couple of bravura 3-d sequences, one in an electrified corn maze, another where Marge is running through a dog park. Sigh. The days of painted cels is over; now people will buy external hard drives at animation auctions.

Must be the Season of the Threes, yeah

Oh, it's on, baby! The first shot is fired off the port bow in this, the Season of the Threes: the Attack of the part-three sequels. First, Spider Man 3, now it's Shrek 3, then it'll be Pirates 3, then Ocean's 3. There was another one in there somewhere, if I remember correctly. Oh yeah. Rush Hour 3. Whole Lotta 3s going on this summer! Not even counting 300! Then of course, there's Hostel 2 and Die Hard 4 and the Fantastic Eight. But will there be enough money left in America by the time the Simpsons movie hits? I'm thinkin' THEY hope so! Heh heh... Bourne Identity 3 comes out after that.

Now I know Shrek is #1 this week, with a big green-eared green bullet, there's no debating that, but I really wanted to use this one still from Home Alone so I'm forced to count down the top 10 in terms of cumulative totals! Which means Spider Man 3 is #1 with 282 million in the b'z'ank! Although I haven't heard any B.O. trivia about it this week, like the one about the movie that made 300 million in the shortest number of days, that kind of crap. Also it's only at #2 this week because it made a paltry 29 million, so now you know how all those other movies felt the last two weeks, Spider Man. You've just had it too good for two long weeks. Guess it's just time to build more theaters to help beat the box office records of tomorrow. Think of the children!

At #2 cumulative this week, Shrek 3 is #1 with 122 million, which I think is slightly more than Shrek 2 opened at. Oh, but we've talked enough Box Office turkey. Let's talk legacy now, specifically that of the man behind the Shrek, Mike Myers, the voice of Shrek. With Shrek the Third under his belt, that makes 3 shreks and 3 austin powers. So why has Mike Myers become so reclusive? Why I hardly see him at all anymore on the talk show circuit. I hope my faint pleas reach him anyhow, and if they do I only ask one thing: isn't it time for Wayne's world 3? How would that look on your video cabinet at home to have three trilogies under your belt? Eat it, Harrison Ford!

On the other had, they're already planning a Shrek 4. Now how many actors can boast a quadrilogy? Let's see, Sigourney Weaver, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, very soon Harrison Ford, hmmm... Still, it's a narrower field.

At the cumulative #3 this week, in another stunning last-minute reversal, Blades of Glory edges upward to #10, thereby pushing Waitress down to #11 or lower! It's a virtual kneecapping of this tough but brittle indie movie; i.e., it must not be a DreamWorks picture. Oh well. Actually, I heard Riley Weston's behind the hit. But I'm sure Keri Russell with her classical good-looks will no doubt bounce back, and with a bit part in Scrubs to boot. Yes, she'll always make a beautiful dollar in this bizness. I mean, she's no Sarah Michelle Gellar or Eva Mendes, but she's got a fan base. No question.

At cumulative #4 this week it's Disturbia. Another sequel. Well, not a sequel so much as a remake. An unofficial remake. But I like to think of it as either Holes 2 or Battle of Shaker Heights 2. One or the other.

At cumulative #5 this week, it's Fracture. Nope, still can't get excited about that. Although it does give one pause. I mean, how many actors has Anthony Hopkins only worked once with? All of them? Except Emma Thompson, of course. Didn't he retire, like, twice already? Or was that Liam Neeson, I forget. After Lincoln, though, this will be his third and last retirement. Let's hope he gets the Oscar that go round.
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Cumulative #6 gives us Hot Fuzz. I have yet to concoct my review, but ultimately, I don't know. Maybe I'm just burned out on movies in general. I was also disappointed that the brain freeze sequence from the commercials was cut short. I thought the movies were about letting these kinds of scenes play out! Guess not.

#7 cumulative: Another sequel. 28 weeks later! Yawn. I used up all my 28 weeks later jokes last week. But it's comforting to know there's still a viable market to the dramatic side of Shaun of the Dead.

At #8 it's the Invisible. Whew! That was close. I almost left this one out entirely.

#9's Georgia Rule is not so much a sequel as it is a movie mocktail. Sort of a Monster's Ball meets White Oleander. And of course tapping into that whole feminine movie genre of How to make an American Quilt and Steel Magnolias and Fried Green tomatoes and Immediate Family. Need I go on? Those are the only ones I know. Throw in Catch and Release, why not. But it does have some originality: Lindsay Lohan playing a bitch! What a stretch.

And finally, at #10 cumulative, but landing at lucky #7 this week otherwise, it's the latest Redneck FUBU entry, Delta Farce. Or as I like to think of it, Delta Force 3 made for TV. My question is this: how good could it be if Jeff Foxworthy isn't in it? Or Ron White, for that matter? They're not in it, yet DJ Qualls is! This puts The New Guy in a whole new light. The Mason-Dixon line redrawn. In related news, I was disappointed to see Jeff Gordon in those ads for California which also feature Schwarzenegger, Teri Hatcher, and Clint Eastwood.
Looks like you've left Sweet Home Alabama behind for good, Mr. Gordon. Wait... he's a NATIVE CALIFORNIAN? Dang! He fooled me good. Or maybe I was just indifferent.


Well, that puts an end to another exciting week at the big dog and pony show known as Hollywood. Boy! I don't think I can take much more excitement. :)

Another Spectacle

Man! Long week. Sometimes it feels refreshing to put the blog down. And now I need a drink of water. ...done. Also refreshing. More importantly, I heard that my boys are kickin' some major derriere at Cannes with their latest, No Country for Old Men. Give 'em hell, J & E! Of course, they've limited you to just one award per film this time, damn French! No wonder the Oscars are no big deal to them.

But let's dive right into this latest box office pie. Coen co-conspirator Sam Raimi is doing a little ass-whoopin' stateside with the latest installment of the multi-billion dollar Spider Man franchise, called Spider Man 3. Oh sure, the critics will pooh-pooh it, but look at those numbers! It's only Monday. Besides, it's probably not as hated as X-Men 3. Now, I know they've been talking about some major personnel changes for the fourth installment of Spider Man, but I must strongly, nay, vehemently oppose these proposed changes. After all, look what it did to the Home Alone franchise! Big big mistake.

And once again, thanks to Spider Man, we make a giant drop from a #1 of 58 million to a #2 of ... 9.81 million? Pathetic! But you know what? Their agent will be the first to say they should work in this town again because hey! It was the best they could do up against Spider Man. This time it's another sequel: the sequel to 28 Days Later called 28 Weeks Later. So does this mean that the third installment will be called 28 Months Later? Just a thought! Also, someday all movies in the top 10 will be sequels. Just another thought.

At #3 it's Georgia Rule. While technically not a sequel, it's a sequel in spirit to Monster-in-Law because of that GMILF on the prowl, Jane Fonda. I mean, did you see her with Stephen Colbert last week? Talk about a steambath!

At #4 it's Disturbia. Sorry, kid, you're no longer the new kid on the block. Just for that, Shia, they're Gumping you out of the Transformers movie.

Rounding out the Top 5, it's Delta Farce. Win one for the Red States! Careful, guys, you might give Chuck Norris some misguided ideas. Anyway, at least it's already made more money than Health Inspector.

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And now, let's look through the bent back tulips to see how the second half lives. At #6 it's Fracture, or The Human Stain 2. But thank God director Gregory Hoblit is back to the one-word movie titles where he belongs!

At #7 it's The Invisible, but it's not gone yet! Speaking of which, at #8 it's your last chance to Meet the Robinsons. Apparently, also in IMAX. I should get down to my local IMAX theater one of these days!

Next, it's Hot Fuzz at #10. Well, maybe it's doing better in Britain, who knows. I did my part, guys! I guess I'll have to watch it again: was that really Cate Blanchett? Or Bill Nighy sans face-tentacles? Apparently, they just set the record for movie references. Or how about Peter Jackson as Santa? Of course, he can't do that kind of thing anymore. He's rail thin now!

Well, that's all for now, kids. Oh why oh why does a new box officecome only once a week.

Peter Parker picks another peck of pesky box-office peccadillos

And the opening shot is fired off the port bow! Zowee. I haven't seen numbers like this since Jurassic Park 2 opened! Or since Oscar, for that matter; numbers 2 thru 10 look like Oscar's opening weekend, anywho. Yes, it's the latest new box office record, people. Quite the disparity when the #1 movie makes 5 times as much money as the other nine put together. Must be a recession on. But it was inherited, of course. You have to use that word with the word 'recession' from now on, it's a permanent federal law.

But back to the triumph at hand! Yes, Spider Man 3 got out there first this season. Oh sure, critics will nitpick, but so far the franchise has managed to stay on an even keel somehow; basically, they've kept Joel Schumacher from girling up the proceedings, heh heh. It's soon going to be a very crowded field, though: don't Shrek 3 and Pirates 3 get a turn at the trough too?

So anyway, congratulations to Spider Man 3. But seriously: Bryce Dallas Howard? Was B.D. Howard the most qualified person for the job?

As for the rest of you slugs, I seriously feel like I can take a break this week. I mean, Disturbia's hung in there and all, but only 5.84 million in second place? Pathetic! Fracture at #3 with 3.7 million? Pathetic! The Invisible? Pathetic! Next? Pathetic!!!! I will, however, give a shout out to my man Curtis Hanson who's been having a rough decade since the high of 8 Mile. It's all part of my latest theory about directors, that the most successful film directors ultimately have their favourite decade of their careers. For Curtis Hanson, it'd have to be the 90s: with the back to back successes of Hand that Rocks the Cradle, and The River Wild, culminating in the Oscar-nominated orgy that was L.A. Confidential. I mean, who wouldn't want a decade like that?

Let's do a couple other directors, like J. Lee Thompson: Drunken British Ex-Patriate of Action. He's had so many, really: the Dressing Gown 50s, the Guns of Navarone 60s, the Ape-y 70s, but for me, IMHO I'd have to say it was the go-go 80s, when he did about a zillion pics with Charles Bronson, yet was able to work in an Indiana Jones knock-off in betwixt all that. Good times.

As for Sam Raimi, well, I think the 2000s are far and away his favorite decade, even though all this Spider-Man jazz must be getting redundant. I'm just hoping he manages to work a trailer in for No Country for Old Men. I'm not able to get to France this year for the Cannes film festival. Maybe get me a bootleg copy, huh?

Ever had one of these kinds of days?

Well, friends, Spider man 3 is about to swoop down and dominate the box office for a couple months but before that happens, Disturbia takes the cake an unprecedented 3rd week in a row! You know, some who prefer Sunni, but this is a full blown Shia pandemic, my friends!

Meanwhile, another kid who's doomed to a lifetime of snubbery from the Onion, the kid from War of the Worlds, Chatwin, makes a mark at #2 with the Sixth Sense clone, the invisible, but with a twist ending that you won't see coming. But in this era of twist endings, isn't that a little predictable?

Speaking of twist endings, Next only debuts at #3, but Cris Johnson probably saw that coming. Somehow the word on the street was that this was no Ghost Rider. G.R. was a man of the people, the Next guy not so much. There's no fooling the people, my friends. OJ's guilty, and there were no WMDs. The people know.

Fracture at #4, but so what. Now, Blades of Glory, now there's a story. Still over 100 million total in the bank, making it the most profitable film at the box office this week, and while it's not as good as they hoped, (Talladega numbers, in other words) it's still doing way way better than Bewitched.

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Hot Fuzz at #6. Still not good, but at least it edged #7, Meet the Robinsons, out of the way for another week. Maybe it'll snowball like Little Miss Sunshine did not so long ago, and maybe SM3 will help it out: for all those people who weren't able to wedge their fat butts into the jam-poacked Spider Man theater, maybe Hot Fuzz'll be their backup.

At #8, Vacancy, and that's the problem. Too many vacant seats in those theaters. C'mon, people! When have Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale steered you wrong before?

At #9, it's The Condemned, and I guess I, like most Americans, are just going to wait for the Reality TV version of this Reality Film show.

And finally, at #10 it's Are we done yet? And yes we are. See you next week! (Oh, snap!)

Vanishing Point: What Makes a Hero?

Sometimes the best you can say about a movie is that it's like a mini travelogue of someplace, in this case parts of the Nevada desert. Reminds me of a road trip I took not so long ago to an opal mine just outside Nevada. For miles, no other cars from one end of the horizon to the other. And I couldn't help but notice all these desert squirrels out there, waiting for their chance to cross the road, and always deciding to go as I'm about to run them over. There's gotta be some kind of Darwinian law at work there. Maybe a Newtonian maxim. Maybe an Oprah essay about co-dependence, I don't know.

There's also some nice shots of clouds here: some thunderheads, some raining, some with rays of sunlight peeking through - there's a specific scientific term for that but I can't remember what it is. All in all, good cloud variety, and not a whole lot of need for continuity since the action keeps moving. As for the plot of Vanishing Point, there's about as much plot here as, say, Grand Theft Auto. A little more plausibility than the original Gone in 60 Seconds, but it seems to me that if you're transporting cars, stolen or not, you at least want to make sure they get as little wear and tear as possible, but the film's about a little more character development than that. That, and a modern day Lady Godiva on a motorcycle. Why not, I say.

There are flashbacks showing the big transforming events in the life of this transporting car man, played by Barry Newman. Okay, so he's not a big name. He's no Paul Newman, anyhow, but he does okay here and he's also one of those guys who looks totally different as a young man. Kinda like William Hickey, only not so extreme. Barry stuck with me after I saw him in The Limey, and to a lesser extent, Bowfinger; smaller role in that one. But both with Terence Stamp! Who worked that out?

What else to say about this? Cleavon Little in a pre-Blazing Saddles role, where he seems to channel Ray Charles as the blind DJ "Super Soul" of KOW Radio. Also our hero picks up a coupla gay hitchhikers who end up trying to pull a stick-up, but since they're blatant caricatures what happens to them is okay. Some might say they were let off too easy; not me, though, because that's what a Movie Hero does, treats his adversaries with respect. Indeed, all the adversaries our hero comes across, he doubles back to make sure they're okay (they all get out of their wrecked cars and scratch their heads; time to get moving again!) There's also some blatant folk-hero-ification at play here, you know, for the Oscar crowd, (someone adds an "ALSKI" banner to the KOW radio sign... Mission Accomplished!) but if it didn't pay off with the car man's final act, well... I guess it didn't pay off. But it's certainly the opposite of the happy endings of Gone in 60 Seconds or Grand Theft Auto.

Some say Vanishing Point is one of the greatest car chase movies ever made, and the only reason I saw it was it being referenced in a review of Grindhouse (Yes! I shamefully admit it...) For me, though, I guess a car chase movie needs a little more plot. For me, The Blues Brothers is still the best car chase movie; for cars of a similar time period, Mad Mad World's got some pretty decent stunts: car, plane or otherwise. Give it a second look if you've got about 3 hours to kill.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

More Sunday quarterbacking

Oh dear, almost missed another deadline. There's just too much to do, you see. For instance, right now I'm reading about Al Gore and his tearing Canada a new one over their CO2 emissions. The Canadian environmental minister, John Baird, fired back at Gore, calling him a hoser and a knob. Boy! They really are getting more conservative over there in Canada, but at least the guy didn't call Gore a hypocrite over the whole fake house heating thing. I really hope I'm the only one left fighting in that ancient World War I trench.

Anyway, this isn't the place you come to for real news! Let's get onto the only news in the galaxy that matters: the weekly box office totals! And at #10 it's Wild Hogs, and it's coming dangerously close to finally being broken. Oh, Gabrielle Amway, will you be mine? Sigh; guess not.

Anywho, let's hear it for director Walt Becker. Maybe you'll finally make it out of that Second Tier of Hollywood directors into the First Tier, Hollywood Auteur, and you'll no longer be simply known as Harold's unsuccessful kid! Oh, snap!

At #9 it's Perfect Stranger, still performing not so perfectly at the box office. But don't worry, that won't slow Bruce Willis down. Everyone's still waiting for Die Hard 4; I think I'll wait for it on cable, maybe.
You know, there's an old saying in Hollywood that even the most country-fried hermit probably knows by now in this day and age. Something about satire closing on Saturday night. Welp, IMHO it's about time to say the same of romantic comedies or dramas or whatever the hell they are these days, like the instant case, In the Land of Women, clocking in at #8 with a paltry $4.71 million, or as Bill Gates calls it, walking-around money. Oops! Just found out that Larry Kasdan's other kid, Jon, is responsible. Sorry, guys, I'm sure it'll be regarded as a classic soon. And I must say that film school paid off big time. Why, note how one of the characters is named Buñuel! Very clever.
Unfortunately, we're far from done yet, as is Ice Cube's sequel Are We Done Yet? It's almost at the 40 million dollar mark. That's a lot of bling!

Meanwhile at #6 it's Hot Fuzz, or as I prefer to think of't, Shaun of the Dead part 2. Only #6? I'm disappointed in my fellow countrymen. Surely a big budget ad campaign will get you off your asses and into theaters! WTF is it gonna take? Guess we just better wait for the American remake of it.

Finally made it to the other half, starting with Meet the Robinsons at #5, or as I prefer to think of it, Untitled Breakdancing T-Rex Project. Hey, blockbusters these days have been made of less. Take the Rapping Granny of The Wedding Singer.

At #4 it's Vacancy, and it's managed to distinguish itself sort of from the wild pack of horror pics in the pipeline. Trust me, I went to the movies recenty, and there's an ass-bag full of 'em on the way. It's the masks, isn't it?

Finally, BOG crossed the 100 million mark, but they're too proud to run ads boasting of that fact. Well, maybe just in Variety, but definitely not on TV. It's not about the money, right, guys?

At #2 it's Fracture, or as Sir Anthony Hopkins thinks of it, Human Stain part 2. Seriously, though, shouldn't there be a law against doing so many movies? I mean, how long can you coast on your most celebrated role: Instinct's Ethan Powell?

And finally, it's still the hot kid on the block, Disturbia. I already used my good joke last week, so perhaps it's time to consider the actual plot of the movie: Rear Window meets House Arrest. After all, what better way to add a little spice to your marriage and or relationship than with a little house arrest? Is this not our national occupation now? Finding new ways to add spice to your relationships? Even Maxim Magazine would have to agree with that assessment, or maybe one of its many hotter sister magazines. We've got to rebuild our image somehow in the national community. So, watch your ass, Spain, because America is for lovers!

p.s. Dang! They really are gonna make me wait til 2 pm for the new list. Guess my deadline wasn't as urgent as I originally thought.

Oh, Spalding!

Getting back into Spalding Gray. Ah, what a rush of neurons, again. He left us too soon. Soderbergh's right, Gray is the ultimate raconteur of the one man show setting. Like Henry Miller before him, there's no secret too dark for him to lay bare for all of us to see, and in such an entertaining way too. He's like Woody Allen but with a different set of literary references. But while we await Soderbergh's upcoming documentary about the man ... hmm! They just eliminated it. And it was there a second ago, I swear. Oh well, Clooney and Soda-pants are way too busy for their own good, anyway. Besides, 62 Skidoo is in the works, don't bogart the Clooney, dude! Anyway, I made the mistake of scrolling down in Spalding's IMDb entry to the 70s. For shame, Mr. Spalding! The Horny Vampire? Starring as Dr. Cock-luv in Nazi Sex Experiments? Fortunately for us, and probably me as well, I can't find half this stuff. I did however stumble across the one scene of humor in Maraschino Cherry for which Spald delivers the punchline. That's all of that movie I need to see. Irregardless, I think Spalding Gray's reputation is safe. Carry on without us, sir. But better watch out, Ron Jeremy's catching up to you!

I have no response to that!

Which brings us to another last minute box office report, and maybe I can catch it this time before it changes over. Maybe not; I already forget how soon it changed over last time. But leave us pay tribute to those films that have since passed into Box Office oblivion since last week...

Firehouse Dog, TMNT, Shooter

And now that we've brushed off the crumbs of failure from this meal, let's get on to the living! Hello!

Oh but before we get to that, time for another Maxim Magazine exclusive. It's their review of Burke & Wills.

Maxim Magazine presents our review of Burke & Wills. So let me get this straight... the more manly of the two would rather travel across Australia right into the hands of certain death, than stay in bed with Greta Scacchi? And they teach about these guys in public school? Is the whole country P.T.Gay? If we knew how, we'd get the U.N. to make Australia even farther away. As close to an American antipode as possible. Look it up.

Okay, got through that. And now! Without further ado at #10 this week it is Grindhouse. I wonder if that means it's too late for me to get my Rapist #1 doll.

And we're dangerously close to losing our most profitable film on the box office, 300, which has only so far made it 2/3rds of the way to 300 million dollars. Maybe 300 part 2 will be luckier, who knows.

At #8 it's the latest Christploitation entry, The Reaping. Sorry, Swank, not swank enough. Guess you caught the trend on the tail end of the scythe. Somewhere Chad is smiling... oh, snap!

Wild Hogs hangs tough at #7. Still speechless, but Disney's cryogenically frzoen head must be smiling.

Pathfinder - why, I've never seen a swashbuckler perform so poorly! I bet I know what Maxim Magazine thinks of that. #6 with only 5 million? Boy, they just don't rape and pillage the countryside like they used to, I tell ya.

And at the halfway point, it's Are We There Yet, pt. 2 with 32.8 million in the bank, baby! It's all about the Benjamins, grrrrl you know it's true. Could part 3 be in the wings? I'll leave it at that.

At #4 it's Perfect Stranger. James Foley's back, but I think he's coasting on brother Jerry's day job, am I right guys?

Meet the Robinsons at #3. It's not fair! Pixar can't make the B-list Pixar productions in between the A-List productions, can they? That must mean that Big Idea's been bumped down to C-List productions. That's probably for the best. 1-2-3 penguins, my ass.

Blades of Glory at #2. There's gotta be a way Ferrell can crank these out faster. Just gotta! One a week, please.

And finally at #1 it's Disturbia. Good title, and the world is in the throes of Shia LaBeouf Fever. Well, that and the avian flu. ...dang! Wanted to try and capture this really annoying Flash ad that's been popping up for the last 5 minutes every time I use the IMDb. Oh well, probably for the best. Something about a Rock Paper Scissors dojo. What'll they think of next? And how much time will they give us to enjoy it?

Anyway, back to the biz at hand. This is your moment, Mr. LaBeouf. Shaker Heights wasn't it. Holes was, sort of. And I, Robot, I guess. But now, you're the star, baby! No more supporting I, Robot-esque roles where you're playing neo-nerd support to the big star. You're the star now. Deal with it. Now you get to have a second-tier Best Friend prop you up with the film's plot points, and ask you what you're going to do. How about Trevor Morgan? And trust me, he won't pull any of that Sixth Sense crap. You get to push him round, baby, because you've got Indiana Jones 4 sewn up, and as we speak they're frantically adding Disturbicons to the Transformers movie all for you, Shia, this week's #1 Box Office STAR IN THE WORLD!!!!

Good night, and good luck.

South Park: Genius or not?

Well, I didn't see the one Bill Maher referred to about black people this season, but I just saw the one they did about the homeless, their homage to Night of the Living Dead, but with homeless people instead of zombies. Clever. I guess it's better than Bumfights, anyway. Now I know that South Park is a great show, and it's cost effective, and that anyone who hates it is either Jewish or have no sense of humor (I'm a little of both myself), but there's still something lacking in their take on homeless people. Given the current national dialogue on satire, with the recent comments by Don Imus, and that satire is normally used to poke fun at the powerful, instead of the other way around, which seems to be South Park's bread and butter, shouldn't South Park be asked to apologize for something? Or get dropped by Comedy Central and stick to strictly web-based Flash animations? Maybe, except that they're so beholden to their usual comedic formulas that they're probably not deserving of such scrutiny. I mean, everyone already knows that on the show the kids are smart, and the adults are stupid, and all of course find themselves constricted by the specter of Political Correctness, so are they really bringing anything new to the table about the homeless? No. Any proceeds going to benefit the homeless? We'll just skip that, as the answer is most likely no. It's their homage to the campaign against Upton Sinclair but without the politics, although it should be pointed out that the episode occurred on Dubya's watch, and not Clinton's when the show was fresh and new and killing Kenny in each episode. And if you don't like it, then you suck ass. Also makes me think of Tracy Flick's mom in Election when she defines the relationship between the strong and the weak as being that the weak prey on the strong. As a blanket generality that may be true, but weak or strong we're all still stuck on this planet together, so how strong can the strong be if they all can't be by themselves on Planet Strong? Oh dear, I fear I've spent too much time on this already. I'm getting to the point in my life where I look for advocacy where I can. At least the South Park guys are trying, but still it would've been nice to see something like, say, a pharmaceutical company asking for a corporate bailout because they've got a whole warehouse of flu vaccines that aren't moving. Or perhaps a television affiliate trying to scrounge up the syndication fees to show Seinfeld reruns. Or maybe a low-level mobster ripping off some fund-raising college students. But you know how it is. It's hard enough for these guys already doing what they do. They arrive first thing in the morning before anyone else and leave the last at night, so who's got time to think of such things? And if you don't like that, or find this blog entry a little less than you'd'a hoped, then you probably suck ass.