You Racist Cracker!

Which brings us to yet another contentious Box Office contest! We might as well celebrate the winners this time, as it is once again Happy Feet. Boy, they must've really pushed this on Fox News Kids Network or something. Having already crossed the 100 million dollar mark in its second week, is this not yet another vindication for March of the Penguins? The upcoming Farce of the Penguins hopes to put that genie back in that bottle. We shall see.
Meanwhile, CR is at #2 still, but it's almost made as much as Happy Feet. Kinda reminds me of the creative ad campaign behind Minority Report. The PG-13 audience must be hooked with different things, like Playstation 3, Motorola phones or the new Sony Unisex TV. Still can't figure that one out.
At #3 it's Déjà Vu, but for me the real stars aren't director Tony Scott or Denzel Washington, teaming up for the third time. No the real star here is the Elliot/Rossio juggernaut. Is it me or shouldn't they be busy proofreading PTC3 for typographical errors? Shame on you for pouring your hearts and souls into a small independent film in between giant Hollywood blockbusters. Shame!
At #4 it's Deck the Halls, and finally the trilogy is complete. Christmas with the Kranks, Surviving Christmas, and this. There's gotta be a way to package all three onto one Blu-Ray disc. Get on it, Wal-Mart!
Rounding off the top 5, it's Borat, or B:CLOAFMBGNOK as all those crazy bloggers abbreviate it these days. It's raked in a total of 109 million so far, or the Gross National Product of Kazakhstan! (drumroll) Didn't see that coming, didja huh? But it's garnered a more coveted honor than even that... and promptly lost it. It was in the IMDb top 250 for a while there. Guess it wasn't meant to last. Why, even Clerks fell in and out of favor with the Top 250 now and again, right? Clerks 2, not so much.
Alas, how things change from major to minor. Babel, Saw and The Queen have all departed from the bottom 5 of the list, but there are those who still cling on to the proverbial drapes with the cat claws of life only to slow their inevitable descent. At #6 it's (the) Santa Clause 3, and maybe it's just me but with 67 million in the box office bank I think it's doing pretty good! I'm sure there are some Hollywood execs who would disagree with that Market Research-less assessment, so prove me wrong, Hollywood! Hire me as a consultant.
Stranger than Fiction clocks in at Lucky Number Slevin this week. It's made less than Being John Malkovich and generating considerably less buzz, but hey. You knew this was an independent job when you took it, Ferrell, therefore it'll make independent money. More than that Ed Harris thing, right?
As for the rest of the Top 10, it's much too depressing to contemplate. The animated Grease is at #8, and Bobby debuts at #9. The audiences are too smart these days, and frankly, a little ungrateful! Guess they found out it's an Emilio Estevez joint. Oliver-Stone lite, if you will. How is Demi Moore supposed to land the part of the love interest in Austin Powers 4 now? HOW???
And finally, checking in at the Hotel #10, after 4 years of post-production it's Aronofsky's Junior effort, The Fountain. If this doesn't bust up his marriage, nothing will. You will be mine, Rachel Weisz... Oh yes. You will be mine. Damn voodoo doll! I'm not doing it right. Talk to y'all later. (:)

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This just in: O.J. Simpson appointed Chairman on Domestic Violence by the White House.
Also, I've been told there's a correlation between the number of lobbyists and the number of earmarks over the years. Back in 1994, there was 1400 Republican lobbyists lobbying Congress, and there were 1400 earmarks. Today, there are 14000 lobbyists and 14000 earmarks! Must be Clinton's fault somehow.

Which brings us to this week's box office! I know Happy Feet's #1, but you gotta give it up for my man Daniel Craig. Lemme tell you something: Casino Royale's already doing so well, Mr. Craig's edging out Edward Norton for the lead in the hot new bio-pic, The Dana Carvey Story. I think Dana prefers Mr. Craig for the lead, anyway, but it's good old-fashioned competition the likes of which we haven't seen in a while.

But let's start at the bottom, eh what what? Just to keep it interesting for my large loyal fan base, right? ...... Anyway, The Queen's holding strong at #10. Not a bad performance in the American market. I mean, it's no Teaching Mrs. Tingle, but you can't have everything, right?! On the bright side, it's doing so well in England that Helen Mirren was voted by The Guardian to be the People's Queen. It's a British thing, but I don't think Taylor's too happy about it.

Coming in at #9 it's The Departed, still making its inevitable slide down the charts, but not before passing the 100 million mark; how cool is that? Finally! After all these years, Marty has a hit, and he'll finally get to make the kinds of films HE wants to make. ... As for L. DiCap, well, there's just no time to rest as Zwick's next Christmas release is due, and this time there's no LOTR installment to reckon with, sigh of relief. Bad news for Ngila; or was that Without a Paddle? I forget which. :)

At #8 it's Saw 3. You know, it won't be long before our culture is so de-sensitized to on-screen violence, that pretty soon there'll be a 'Saw' sitcom on TV, and a 'Saw' talk-show. All coming up tonight on the Saw Network, but first, it's National Geographic Bumfights.

Babel comes in at #7, and it's the latest project tangentially connected to the Soderbergh Rat Pack, which Cate Blanchett is now a part of thanks to The Good German; as long as she doesn't re-gift the Kate Hepburn accent work like in Zissou. But I digress; back to the triumph at hand. As the ads all say, it's a triumph for Inarritu ... better than his segment of 11"09'01? I think not. But, that's just me. ...What's the matter with you people? Don't you know we're at war? Do I need to remind you that 3000 people died on 7/11?

At #6, it's Flushed Away. Oh, what's Nicky gonna do now that DreamWorks is defunct? Back to the Chevron commercials, I suppose. Or is that for one of his chump understudies? How did Ricky Gervais get out of this one, that's what I wanna know?

Filling out the top 5, having made 10,000 more dollars than Flushed Away, it's Stranger than Fiction, the latest entry in the Mindf*** Movie Continuum, along with Being John Malkovich and John Tucker Must Die. Oh, why can't Marc Forster make the kinds of movies he used to make?

At #4 it's Santa Claus(e) 3 and finally! Marty has a hit, so Don Rickles will have to tell him something else next time he sees him. Also, looks like it's out of the Bottom 100 which is kinda nice. Just kinda. Is Cat in the Hat still there? ...it's not! I credit Paris Hilton with that one; and of course, as she'd say, "That's hot!" But you know what's not hot? Manos, the Hands of Fate. Still, it's so bad, it's worthy of being in the bottom 100, which in and of itself is pretty hot. The same can't be said for From Justin to Kelly, though.

At #3 it's Borat. And on my shoulder, it's... a mosquito bite? No whey!

But the top two slots of the Top 10 couldn't be more contentious. Someone demand a recount! It's the new Casino Royale. Why, even George Orwell couldn't of imagined this, even though in the world of Oceania they would re-film movies and things, and generally work round the clock to make Big Brother look impervious and strong and consistent, and responsible for all the good in the world, what little of it there was in 1984. Anyway, the Campbell / Meheux Industrial Complex pulls it off once again. (Except of course for Vertical Limit; Meheux is afraid of heights. And for that matter, so am I after that movie. And badly CGI'd condors. :) )

And yeah yeah, Happy Feet at #1. We know. I thought maybe Spielberg was behind this. Or Caroline Thompson. But no! It's the brainchild of Mad Max director George Miller. Well, I hope he realizes that while this is doing well, it shouldn't embolden him too much in regards to Mad Max 4, unless he casts Russell Crowe in the lead.

Gotta run. (:

The Seinfeld Curse strikes again!

And this time, it's not just taking down a new sitcom. No, it's turned slightly inward this time, or rather, more than slightly inward. Yes, we've all heard by now about Kramer's Comedy Club Meltdown. All the news stations are covering it, celebrities condemning it. What do I think? It was pretty bad. I didn't see the whole thing, but I know Kramer's not really a stand-up comedian (see Trial & Error) and as far as I can tell he's kind of a private guy in the Celebrity Cosmos. I'm shocked! I thought for sure his IMDb entry would have added this to his mini-bio by now! He went to Evergreen State College? Go Geoducks! Surely his Wikipedia entry ... oh yeah. Bill Bennett called, wants to exchange notes.
One of my co-workers today posed the question: "Will Seinfeld ever be the same?" Another of my co-workers piped up: "Yeah. It's a one-time thing: he was being heckled and he was just trying to get the guy to shut up." Alas, things are a little tougher on the rest of the Seinfeld cast these days. Or perhaps it's the way comedy in general is fated to go now that the Democrats are in power again, perchance to embolden the PC police once again. As Holden Caulfield says in "The Catcher in the Rye", you'll never be able to clean up all the "F*** You"s that people write on the walls. So too with the n-word. The stuff forever in the back drawers of the comedian's tool chest. Reminds me of a Chris Rock commentary on Weekend Update once, where he openly searched for the white people's n-word equivalent. I forget what he came up with, and can't find it online at the moment, but I think he and I would agree that 'cracker' just doesn't cut it. But we'll save that for another time. The point being, Finally! Michael Richards is back from obscurity, although probably not what he intended, but hey, he's still not as crazy as Mel Gibson, or the Borat frat boys. Borat frat boys? There's an anagram there someplace.

Just Mooved

Has it been so long? Dang! Not good. I think they're going to shut me down soon. Don't even have a photo this time! I'm here at Kinko's FedEx TacoBell because I recently moved, and my DSL service hasn't caught up with me yet. It may be my fault. And what can I say, Borat? Your hard work paid off big time. Maybe that Bruno movie will get greenlit yet.

Okay, they're giving me dirty looks now. Better order another taco. Bye 4 now! :)

Does hanging from the rafters make me look fat?

Which brings us to this week's Box Office Retort! At #10 it's The Marine. Don't worry, it's doing okay. It's doing better than we're doing in Iraq, anyway. In fact, it's made more money than the XFL! There's already a sequel in the works, something along the lines of Chuck Norris and his obsession with Panama in the 80s, but Dubya is very leary of any coverage, positive or otherwise, of Iraq. No surprise is good surprise to this guy, our Commander in Cheap.
And at #9, from the director of Darkness Falls comes the latest entry in the Texas Chainsaw franchise. I hope Tobe Hooper's getting some royalties out of this! Or is it just Jack Nicholson and Batman?
#8 brings us Marie Antoinette, the latest Sofia Coppola experience, although it sounds a bit like Moulin Rouge! meets ... I forget what it meets. Well, how about Deadfall, just to keep it in the family. Advance word has it that M.A. is as good as Francis' entry in New York Stories! Ouch!!!!!
Man of the Year hangs in there at #7. It's harder for a film to make an impact these days. It's hanging around longer than All the King's Men, anyway. Double ouch!!!!
At #6 it's The Grudge 2. Could be doing better, but not bad. Sam Raimi's promised to contribute any left-over profits to Dubya's campaign. He needs all he can get these days!
At the bottom of the top 5, it's Flicka. For the sake of all those people too tired or confused to say "Two tickets for 'My Friend Flicka', please!" Anyone seeing this movie, please, PLEASE do not get interested in Maria Bello's other work!!!
At #4, with the second highest total of the bunch (how sad is that?), it's Open Season! With graphics not as good as Over the Hedge, but with more staying power than Ashton's other entry this month, The Guardian (how much sadder is that?).
Debuting at #3 is Flags of our Fathers. It's come down to this, a movie about a photograph. Who needs a script at all? Like David Spade would say, I liked it the first time when it was called Saving Private Ryan!! I'm going to wait for the movie about that sailor kissing that one chick, or maybe a movie about that Betty Grable poster. Or the big-eyed National Geographic Afgahni chick. Yeah! Get on that, Rupert!
At #2, this Bud's for you, Marty! It's The Departed hanging in there, and I think it's made more than even Cape Fear! So you know what that means! Marty must really hate this movie. Time to stick it to all those ingrates who picketed TLTOC, or worse yet, DIDN'T picket Kundun!!
And finally, the big story this week, and it's The Prestige! How do account for this film's success? Personally, I think it's all the pervs out there who know they don't have a shot at my beloved S. Jo, but are planning in vain nonetheless. Watch out, babe! They're gonna gitcha someday. Anyway, The Prestige is the only other movie worth watching about magic. H. Jack was on Leno last night and explained the 3 steps of a magic trick, one of which is called the Prestige. I already forget the other two; the Explaining of the Trick, and the Trick itself, something like that. All I know is, I've got a beef with you, Mr. Nolan. Oh sure, you're on Cloud Nine after Batman 5, or whatever number it is. The point being... two points actually, 1) You're part of a franchise now, like Back to the Future or Matrix or Meatballs even. These days everyone involved goes off and does their own thing in-between sequels. They DON'T WORK TOGETHER AGAIN!!! Don't let yourselves get burned out! And 2) Their in-between-sequel projects AREN'T SUCCESSFUL! Take one or two of Keanu's projects in-between Matrix movies, for example. I rest my case. I know you're going to take my advice to heart. :)
Well, that's about all the damage I can do for now. See you all again next week? Anyone? (choking back tears...)

It's gonna be a good summah!

Or fall, rather, for Scorsese 'n company. I know Grudge 2 is the #1 story this week, but I couldn't get to last week soon enough. Also, I couldn't find a still with a red #2 on that chick's eyeball.
Anyway, it's been a long time coming between #1s. I believe it was either Cape Fear or Bringing Down the Dead that was the last time Mr. Scorsese had nabbed himself the elusive bonafide #1 spot in the Top 10. But he's got it again big time with The Departed! And how. Even though it's #2 this week, but it's still the winner for me. It's done so well, in fact, that Leo and Marty are already in talks for a Four-Peat. I don't know, Leo! Aren't you tired of Marty's Old-Man Stink?
Coming in at #3 it's Man of the Year with 12.3 million dollars, which covers the catering budget of the film so far. There's tweeters and twitters from people complaining that they were expecting a Robin Williams concert film. It's like when I saw Network recently and thought it was going to be all "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" moments. Although, time will tell if they're both in the same league. Personally, I think Barry's atoning for Wag the Dog with this one.
Open Season at #4, yawn. Someday soon a Pixar or Pixar-esque film will be in the Top 10 every week of the year! You heard it here first.
At #5, it's the horror entry of the week: another Texas Chainsaw sequel, or prequel, or whatever. I can't keep up. Michael Bay's going to use the proceeds to finish up Transformers.
At #6 it's The Marine, a joint venture between the Army and the WWE. I had no idea! They wanted Heath Ledger for the lead, but somehow he wasn't muscular enough. Oh well, their loss.
#7: The Guardian, Ashton's other entry. I haven't seen anything like it since Guess Who took on A Lot Like Love! Oh, was it worth selling your soul, Andrew Davis?
At #8 it's Employee of the Month, from the producers of Wedding Crashers. They must be disappointed in the overall total of this one. Not quite as high as Wedding Crashers, unfortunately. But it's doing better than Clerks 2, which advertised that it was the funniest movie since Wedding Crashers! Incidentally, speaking of sequels, Van Wilder 2? What, is it going straight to video?
#9 brings us One Night with the King, which I thought was either about Elvis or Burger King, but was way off on both counts. It's about the Biblical Esther, the Queen of Persia. They must've been running ads on Pat Robertson's network or something. I think I'd rather see The Work and the Glory! Sorry, Tiny...
Anyway, last but not least is #10 with Jackass number 2. It's made slightly more than the first one, if nothing else. Johnny Knox did pretty well in between the two, but the rest were trying to re-live the glory of the show the whole time, and so the sequel was made, but moron that later. I gotta get some sleep!!!!!

A Brief Shout-out to Genesis

Well, maybe I can take a couple moments in-between apartments to post of a fresh charging of Nostalgia Neurons, synapses, muons, axons, what have you. Is there any greater feeling in the world, when you get right down to it? I think not. For a single guy, anyway. Anyway, I've not kept up on the latest in pop music too well, but there was a time in the past when Genesis ruled MTV in the 80s. And I know Phil Collins has taken a beating in the public eye if only by falling out of it, but once upon a time he was surely one of the top 10 masters or so of pop music. The occasional straying from the formula is like nails on a blackboard, like "I wish it would rain down". Same thing with Harrison Ford. The way I see it, it's a unique musicological application of Newton's Third Law: for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction, as in, you might end up like Paul McCartney too if you had to go on the road and play "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" hundreds of times. Anyway, to keep it brief, I happened upon a DVD compilation of Genesis videos, and my favourites would have to be "Land of Confusion" (fig. 1), "I Can't Dance"... guess that's it. Oh yeah, "Invisible Touch" brought back some memories. Oh, I just hate having to see Mike Rutherford work so hard!
Also, check out "No Reply At All" and see Phil mess up the lip-synching, heh heh... :)

p.s. Dang! I completely forgot! Since politics in pop music is typically few and far in between, I must single out "Land of Confusion" (I heard a vocal from "Land of Confusion" on Air America Radio incorporated into a contemporary song [3/28/07 - and that song was Sly and the Family Stone's "War". Some people have way too much time on their hands... not just me for a change! :) ] ) and especially "Jesus He Knows Me", which is unfortunately even more timely than ever. Pat Robertson's diversified his portfolio so he apparently doesn't have to ask his viewing public directly for cash infusions. Boo beer, Hooray Slave Labor! (African diamond mines or otherwise)

And I thought open season was over...

Oh, Colbert will have a field day with this one. Gotta keep this short as I have a plane to catch. I'm off to Montana for a week of work! Who knew? Maybe I'll be able to post from there; I won't hold my breath but I won't take off my winter parka either. Toodles! :)

Box Office Yee-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Man! Where does the time go? I'm even behind on my Box Office reports, but you already knew that. :) But I'm going to rectify that right now, but quickly because I got to get to bed once again. But first of all let me give a shout out to the people of Miller Beer and their Man Law ad-campaign, which let me say right off the bat is, in my mind, the front runner for the 2006 Clio for Best Series. However, it's not all silver lining. They truncated Undercover Brother's Comedic Dissertation about hiding a beer inside "the crack of a turkey"! For shame, Miller Beer. George Gallo will hear about this!!

So let's examine the box office tally of Sept. 15-22, because the week before that was pretty anemic so we'll just skip it entirely. Not one film cracked the 10 million barrier that week! How weak. Anyway, at #10 it's Crank with Jason Statham. It made 2.68 million worth off of people who thought they were going to see the Crank Yankers movie. It's DOA on crack, or Crank, basically; think I'll wait for Italian Job 2 or The One 2.

At #9 it's Hollywoodland, the little independent movie about Hollywood that could, and it will, to the tune of 2.72 mill this week for a total of 10.5 overall! Man, the Weinsteins are having a bad year so far. Could this be the Oscar buzz that Diane Lane thought Under the Tuscan Sun was going to be?

Coming in at #8 it's LMS as the kids are dubbing it. Hanging on with extra fingernails and sliding down the curtain extra slow, it's this season's little "independent" movie that could. Eat that, Trust the Man!

#7 brings us The Illusionist. Haven't seen it yet, but I'm guessing Jessica Biel is about as good in it as Christina Ricci was in Sleepy Hollow. :)

Invincible lives up to its name at #6, although I'm sure the producers were hoping it'd be posting The Perfect Storm-esque numbers by now. Hell, even Four Brothers numbers would suffice.

Ah yes, the big news here, folks. #5 brings us the latest Zach Braff Top 10-worthy entry, The Last Kiss, but trust me, this isn't the last we'll see of ol' Zach, because he's finally broken the Fletch Won curse! Having languished under development with Kevin Smith and Jason Lee at the helm for years and years, coming on a decade now it seems like, the Scrubs director, ol' whats his name has finally broken the curse and given new life to the prequel of that now 22-year old movie. Part of the deal was that the duo get to make another prequel, Baby Fletch. There isn't a full fledged script yet, but they do have a killer scene: Baby Fletch leaps out of the womb like Alan Cumming onto a stage and, whereas 99% of babies merely cry and flail about, Baby Fletch utters his first joke: "Can I borrow your towel for a sec, Doc? My car just hit an amniocentesis..." The studio is currently trying to fight off Bob Clark who feels strongly about the project.

Speaking of prequels, at #4 it's Renny Harlin, still in his Exorcist prequel funk with The Covenant. Geez, what next? The Sermon on the Mount? The Book of Talents? The Book of Talents 2: Heavenly Dividends? Help me out here, Churchy...

At #3 it's Everyone's Hero, and I still feel the same about it: pretty mundane for a Pixar-ish non-direct-to-video theatrical release. You need a bigger idea like talking cars or a Simpsons-esque family of superheroes. Leave Babe Ruth alone already! I'm in that camp of baseball nuts that says it's just lucky he could hit home runs; I think he'd have trouble sprinting to first on a single. All due respect to Christopher Reeve...

#2 brings us De Palma's latest, The Black Dahlia, or as he calls it, Femme Fatale 2. But he's of course thinking L.A. Confidential 2 for the Oscars. Josh Hartnett was thinking Sin City 1 1/2. S. Jo was just glad to get away from Woody for a while. Fingers crossed: please let there be a split-screen moment! ..oh yeah, and Hilary Swank was all, what am I? Molded whitefish?

Sorry, dePalma, you've been in #1 territory before, but clearly you've been bested by Phil Joanou's triumphant return to the forefront of the DGA with The Rock's latest, Gridiron Gang. Actually, this may be a first for Mr. Joanou. Now, if only he directed Doom, that might've done something!

Okay, gotta wrap this up now, but tune in again soon, and until next time, always remember: you ARE somebody!

Short Reviews - September

Welp, if THIS doesn't get me into trouble, nothing will. Damn the critics, the naysayers who demand fact from their fiction - oh, it's going on the air, baby. (QT in charge of the airwaves?) Besides, we gotta get people interested in TV movies somehow, right? As for me, I'll wait for the special edition DVD with commentary. They should've released them on the same day. Me myself, I've lately fallen back in love with Ghostbusters, but there are other movies out there, aren't there? Let's pound out some quickie reviews...

Suckers - Which is what you are if you see this.

Accepted - AKA Mac Commercial Guy: The Motion Picture. I'm getting tired of asking the one guy about his weiner! Boy, some of my local newspaper brethren skewered this thing right: poor unfortunate middle-class white kids can't study enough to get into regular college, so they have to make one up. Incidentally, the Simpsons already beat them to the SAME funny college acronym punch. But the real sad story behind the scenes here is the saga of Steve Pink. After all that hard work working alongside John Cusack to climb the ladder up to Film Director. The Devil's bargain is of course that it be to direct a film like this. Ouch! What would D.V. DeVincentis say?

The Grave - Boy! Talk about ANWaR drilling!...

Applebee Duo vs. Snickers Guy - Which of the TV Commercial Troubadors will win?

Malcolm X - The best film Malcolm X never saw.

Lavagirl - I don't know. Looks pretty slick, but I think it needs another pass through Renderman.

Silverado - Jeff Goldblum as Travis Bickle.

Into the Night (aka Michelle Pfeiffer Naked: The Motion Picture) - Jeff Goldblum as Chevy Chase.

CrossOver - The phrase "killer app" is used all too often in the software world; if not, it'll be their legacy. Anyway, sometimes to separate yourself from the pack of basketball movies )Love and Basketball), you need a killer app, and a slam dunk while jumping over two motorcycles is definitely a killer app.

Santa Clause 3 - Martin Short as Jack Frost? The role of a lifetime?

Until the End of the World - I know recording dreams is the next frontier and a cool-sounding idea and all that... but I dunno.  I mean, what if my dad were to watch a DVD of one of my dreams?  Something new to critique!  "That's a terrible dream and here are twenty-five reasons why.  First of all, it's in black and white.  Who dreams in black and white?  And second, you seem to have abandonment issues.  Third, why are you always running away in your dreams?  And I mean, ALWAYS?  I'm sure it's not just the one dream that I've seen of course... by the way, I apologize for prying.  And why are you recording these things anyway?  What a waste!  Don't damage the machine!  Don't damage the machine like that!"

Foodfight: The Motion Picture. This is a movie called Foodfight, and it has a 65 million dollar budget. Try and understand, this is why the rest of the world hates America.

Andrew McCarthy religious movie "Heaven Must Wait" (Diggity's treasure, whatever...) - Watch this movie and Andrew McCarthy will make you believe in Jesus. Watch him in Mulholland Drive and you're going straight to Hell. Oh yeah, which reminds me...

Fresh Horses - Ben Stiller, baby! He has it, Sex Majik, Sex Majik... Everybody!.... No one remembers? Okay, skip it,

Hostage - One of the critics said of One Hour Photo - Okay, Robin. We get it. As I watched the opening scene of this, a hostage negotiator (Bruce Willis) is negotiating the release of a mother and her kid being held hostage by the husband. (spoiler alert) The husband shoots himself, the wife ends up dead, and Willis gets to the kid just before he dies. I couldn't help but think to myself: it was bleak, but could it be bleaker? Well, could it? Also, they of course use the old tried and true rule of BDAGIF, except this time it's a black woman cop. Again, her death could've been a little more gruesome. That's all of it I saw...

Happy Feet - Happy Feet. Kermit had 'em. Steve Martin had 'em. And now, Happy Feet has 'em. How Farce of the Penguins wishes it looked.

I hate to say it, but time to play casting director: Christian Hayden as John Mark Karr? Kinduva double bill with Shattered Glass... Just a thought. ;)

This Film Is Not Yet Rated - I don't know. I can't really get excited about this issue. But I would agree there's something wrong with the MPAA if all it takes is the extra-agressive advocate like Neil LaBute or Kevin Smith to circumvent the disastrous NC-17. At least Showgirls took its lumps, or Henry and June. Nothing lately.

The Marine - Happy Propaganda! That'll get those recruitment goals up. Makes Firestorm look like a classic.

School For Scoundrels - I dunno; doesn't look so sweet.

And finally, the pretty boy movie of the moment: Path to 9/11, or the best episode of CSI: Blame the Clinton Administration I've ever seen. Finally! The Right is ponying up some serious money for Propaganda. In your face, Celsius 411 or whatever... If nothing else, these boys have an excellent future in titles and segue shots. Am I right, techie casting agents? Well, while we're waiting for the Daily Show / Colbert Report Comedy Nexus to return and tear this thing a new one nice and proper like, let's face it folks. This is all-out war. War between Management (The Media Conglomerates) and Labor (Everyone else), and the former members of the Clinton Administration who are still alive to defend themselves, still alive to bring about a nice fat Libel suit. To appease the Gods they should show The Reagans; you know, just to balance things out. Meanwhile all our children are standing by on the sidelines thinking, "What a bunch of dorks." Hell, I'm thinking that too.

Screaming Uruk-hai Zonkers! It's the Motherf@¢#!&* Box Office Report

Dang! How quickly the time goes, and for that matter the money too. But I'm going to make it a point to get to it a little earlier this week... I'm not sure why. :)
Incidentally, speaking of things numberical, for those of you who be mathematically inclined, all the square numbers are debuts! 1 squared, 2 squared (4) and 3 squared (9). The rest? Same old crap. Let's dive in.
At 10 it's Barnyard, dropping from #6 last week, which means next week it'll be at #14, and ready to take its place alongside Antz and A Bug's Life. Is it just me, or does Andie MacDowell look a little bit animated in her own right, if ya know what I mean?
Debuting at #9 it's Idlewild. Not unique enough for this overcrowded movie meat market, apparently. Who wouldn't want to see the Blaxploitation version of Moulin Rouge!? Damn, it's hard for a musical pimp.
At #8 Step Up steps down from #4, almost double the position. Sure, it may seem like it's headed for obscurity, but just you wait until Step Up 2: The Step-Up-pening hits the Direct-to-Video market. Heads are gonna roll!
Dropping the biggest drop is Snakes on a Plane, crash-landing to #7 from the top slot last week. Oh, it's so lonely out there in the media; guess none of the anchors or pundits could get a story out of "Well, they sure expected it to do better than #7 the second week." Any attention is good attention these days... or is that publicity, I don't know which. Me myself, I'm still waiting for Formula 52!
#6: It's the little movie that could, Accepted. Sliding only one slot down this week, there were 6.34 million dollars worth of asses in seats who did indeed want to ask that one nerd in the hot dog costume about his weiner. March on to greatness, Accepted. March on. The MTV movie awards are a lock. For if not MTV, then surely the Blockbuster awards will shine down upon you.
Sliding two slots down to #5 this week it's World Trade Center: The Motion Picture. Also available in IMAX! Well, it should've been, anyway. It would've if Jean-Jacques Annaud made it! ...nuff said.
At #4 this week it's Beerfest. From the filmmaking fraternity that brought you Super Troopers, it's a new comedy even less conceptual than Club Dread. Or more conceptual? I thought it was less. Anyway, these days it's not a question of which bodily fluids are going into the beer, but rather how many gallons.
At #3 it's LMS, a rare case when a movie moves UP the charts, usually independent films that gain a little steam, and more theaters as the campaign marches on. For Mr. Carell, it's all just small potatoes until that Get Smart remake hits the silver screen, and hard. All part of Mel Brooks' second coming. Fingers crossed: Spaceballs prequel!
At #2 it's Will Ferrell's 2006 project: Ricky Bobby. Yawn. You know what this means, don't you? For Will Ferrell, 2007 will mean at least three bombs, and then 2008 it's the next McKay / Ferrell collaboration: their 40-year old virgin varietal.
And finally, at the top of the mountain this week, it's good ol' Marky Mark, Charlie Brown and his 2006 project: Invincible. And thank God! Another DP joins the already-swollen ranks of the DGA. Whoop-de-freakin'-doo. Look out, Peter Hyams: this Core bastard's on your ass! Originally intended for Dennis Quaid and to be directed by John Lee Hancock, they both dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, and besides! They're both tired of being too successful. Enter Marky Mark, and Mr. Core said "This is my big chance to be a bonafide A-List moovee director! Foreal!" And so, financial history was made this week, all those many painful re-writes and re-shoots later, and it was all worth it. If they had to do it all over again, they sure would. And you'd better too, for isn't that the only way to be?
Man, these take up too much time! And that's just the reading...

Peda Ling into China's future

Which means it's time for the Box Office Roundup, pardner!At #10 it's Pulse. Memo to Wes Craven: better hold off on your next pic for a while. Releasing it now will make Cursed look like a hit. Sorry, but girl you know it's true! People are tired of scary movies right now. Why, even Scary Movie 4 isn't doing so well on video! And believe me, I know, because I read about it in every issue of Variety for Non-Hollywood Insiders. The horror stocks are down, down, down, and everyone's saying "Ah, I won't go to see Pulse. I'm waiting for Saw 3. Yessir, that's going to be my Woodstock."

You know that we are living in a material world, and the Duff sisters are Material Girls. Still not doing as well as Lohan's 2006 bomb, but what do they care? They're off to a super-great college, right? We can wait!
p.s. You know, I hate to pit sister against sister, but I think Haylie's stock is rising. Oh sure, what's her face is good and all that... what is it? Jerry Maguire, that's it! It's a TV classic, but was Hilary in as sweet a movie as Napoleon Dynamite, I ask you? I think not. (IMHO :) )

At #8 it's Pirates 2. Well, the last accolade is finally... its! That's probably not grammatically correct, but the main thing is it made it to the 400 million dollar mark. Too bad; it still hasn't made a profit. Now it's time to sit back and wait for the Oscars to roll in... OTOH maybe there'll be an Oscar freeze like with LORT2: Two Towers, where the Academy decides they're going to sit on their thumbs until the last chapter is released.

Little Miss Sunshine, aka Untitled Yellow VW Bus Comedy, is charming the pants off the moviegoing public, at least the more spendthrifty ones. There's not so many of them, as it's only at #7 on the top 10 currently. Apparently the JonBenet resurrection has something to do with it, but they know better than to capitalize on that. At #6, Barnyard (the original party animals... Am I the only one who remembers?) is defying all odds as it nears the 50 million dollar mark. Oedekerk will rule again! Check out the special edition DVD where he role reverses that scene from Enter the Fist, replacing the cow he fights in that one with the Barnyard cow. Off-off Broadway cinematic magique extraordinairé!

Now to the prestige of the Top 5. Accepted debuts at #10. Eat it, Oedekerk! Oh yeah, you know the connection; if not, look it up. I can't believe it! On my beloved Daily Show tonight Lewis Black returns from a rather long hiatus to do Back in Black and Stewart didn't even say to go see him in this turkey! For shame, sir. For shame. Not to out-do the Daily Show superclan, but with that author fella, Frederick Lane, I would've opened with "Great cover, by the way."
Now I remember! Step Up is the SECOND movie this year sponsored by MySpace. Look out, MySpace, You Tube's on your ass!
At #3 is WTC, and basically it's Oliver Stone's Match Point, in which he abandons all previous auteur motifs and braves the wilds of a foreign land. For Woody, it's London, and for Stone it's New York. C'mon, Oliver! Where's the conspiracy theories? Where's the cameo as a college professor with a secret stash of weed? You're just getting soft and irrelevant, old man! Give back your Oscars now! Or at least give them to John Sayles.
At #2 it's Ricky Bobby, and I don't remember seeing an ad lately. They're getting risky! How else is it supposed t'clear the 200 million dollar mark? Oh, I forgot, he only counts to one (hundred million? :) )
And well, what can you say about Snakes on a Plane? With all this talk about how it didn't make as much as anticipated, I think the mainstream media's just jealous, because they're old, outdated, and have grown complacent, much like Oliver Stone earlier in the list. Face it, folks, you just can't sell a movie like you used to! It's the Internet's turn to take over. Oh, sure, they could've made it a PG movie so all the kids could come along, too, but no. They didn't sell out. And the people love it all the more.
But I think the real story here is behind the hype and the scenes, and it has to do with another shift in the new membership of the DGA. Seems they've taken from all other crafts lately: photographers, editors, choreography, and now the new trend is stuntmen. With this and the triumphant return of Steve Boyum to the director's chair, depending on how you look at it, the Stunt Men have taken control of the director's driver's seat amongst the National Image-makers. For surely, as we march further into this new century, is Hollywood not a raging battleground between the stunt men and the CGI animators trying in vain to replace them? Will either side back down? Will the stunt men eventually retire to behind a Mac and do shading work for Pixar? Will Snakes on a Plane director David Ellis not squander his new Auteur credentials and carefully choose his next project? I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath. :)

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Which can only mean one thing: the Box Office report! It's a big week... well, not really. Kinda depressing week, actually. Nothing debuting very prominently, and things disappearing very quickly. The descent descending from 5 to 8, John Tucker gone. Dupree gone. Monster House going. And to my close friend's chagrin, My Super Ex-Girlfriend long long gone. Vaporized like the ... Little Miss Sunshine, I don't know. The TV spots have better special effects than the movie itself.
Meanwhile, I haven't been able to get to the theater in a while, but on my TV it's been a weekend of Mighty Acorn movies that makes me ask myself, where's the red hot poker for my eye? Or a guy to shoot me in the kneecaps with an automatic weapon. At least no one's cutting off my ears and noses... sorry, no movie link to one that tasteless, Rummy... But moron that later.
Let's start at the top this time. As they say in the ads, the streaking continues. Help me Tom Cruise, it's Talladega Nights at #1 again. And the official Oscar campaign has begun in earnest, by running the ads where Will Ferrell... I mean, Ricky Bobby, talks trash to Ali G about some movie, I assume a racing picture, either Cannonball Run 2 or that thing with James Garner, that won the Oscar for Best Picture ever made. I don't suppose the Red States have taken to Ali G yet, but it's worth a shot, which I've heard they've almost taken at Borat one time. The Borat movie's probably just going to play on the coast.

Meanwhile, if I were a Hollywood insider I'd know more about the unique ad campaign behind the surprise success of Step Up, but I'm not so I don't. Hey! That's catchy! Anyway, the point is that every once in a generation a movie like this comes along to tickle the date bone of the nation's teenagers, and for me that movie was Bring It On. Nuff said.

WTC movie: #3- so much for the Wednesday release tactic. Hey, at least they're not running the ads Oliver Stone originally wanted to run: "Either you watch this movie, or you're with the terrorists." Same thing happened to The Guys. Just a total marketing disaster.

#4 is Barnyard... the original party animals! They decided to drop the ... split infinitive, what the hell. Well, I'll give a shout out to Steve Oedekerk, graduate of the Jim Carrey school of comedy. I think I'll just wait for the all-thumbs version of Barnyard, thank you very much. Incidentally, when are you going to turn Smart Alex into a feature length picture?

Pulse debuts at #5. Boy! Who knew dead people were such cheapskates? They must've all gone to see Pirates 2 a second time. You're so close to 400 million! Hang in there, buddy!

Sliding coolly down the list is Miami Vice at #7. It's finally recouped its trailer budget, but it's all good. Superstar directors can't destroy their careers like they used to. Who wouldn't want to be in a film directed by Michael Mann and his Men?

Well, gotta wrap this up so let's end it with #9, the debut of Zoom. Sigh; guess no one wants to Zoom-a-Zoom-a-Zoom anymore. Probably for the best. But hey! It's doing better than Shaggy Dog, that's for sure. C'mon, people! Tim's branching out here! Don't just wait for his sequels: Santa Clause, Toy Story. And on that note, g'night! And get ready for a whole torrent of puffy old white men on TV screaming about all the terrorists they've caught, and the activist judges slowing them down. Next Geraldo. :)

Boo creepy homeless Director Guy; Hooray Beer! or Wednesday Release? Who do you think you are, Spider Man 3?

Which brings us to this week's horse race at the box office. What the heck, I'm feeling frisky so let's start with #1, and of course it's the one who spent the most on advertising. It's Anchorman 2! Seriously, though, the full title is of course Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Brought to you by the Hollywood wing of the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the Red State Outreach program. On my beloved Daily Show tonight they had Dale Earnhardt Jr. And of course this film was the elephant in the room that they judiciously didn't mention. What can you say? The man just loves to drive. Meanwhile, Will Ferrell just may very well be the new Adam Sandler, but I don't know. Is Will capable of making a film that's as great as, say, Big Daddy? As the ranks of the new wave of mega-successful Alpha-male SNL alums swells, we'll just have to wait and see. But there is one goal that yet eludes them, and Will refers to it in the latest round of commercials, not so subliminally - and Bill Murray almost did it. Oscars. They want Oscars. Not just about the money anymore.
Debuting at #2, with a paltry 8th highest cumulative total overall, it's Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. What? Are all the movie titles like this now? The colon is making a major comeback in movie titles these days. Anyways, clearly the Pixar Renaissance is in decline. Only #2? The thrill is gone, people!
And at #3 it's ... ANOTHER COLON!!! Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest. Or.. oops, guess the number 2 is only implied, it's not actually in the title. And it's almost broken the 400 million dollar barrier. My God! This is Lord of the Rings 3 territory! Incidentally, how does Everard Proudfoot get top billing on that? Most expensive looking 94 million dollar movie ever made, my friends!
Miami Vice slides to #4 with only 10.2 million, making it 5th overall box-office wise. The prestige ads are running now: as good as anything Michael Mann's done, that kind of thing. And now, to add insult to injury, William Friedkin's going to remake To Live and Die in L.A. Or turn it into a TV show, whatever salts the wound the most.
Ironically, The Descent debuts squarely in the middle of the Top 10, which will at least put it on the local news, but hopefully its descent down to obscurity won't be so quick.
JTMD, baby! A fixed point in the list, as it's #6 on the list and #6 cumulative-wise, but I still want a copy of that poster, dammit!
Number 7 and 8, blah blah blah, see #2.
At #9, hanging on by fingernails and broken noses it's the only rhyming title in the bunch, You Me and Dupree. Yessir, still hanging in there, and by a crazy numerical fluke it's got the 2nd biggest cumulative total right there somewhere far behind Pirates 2. You did it, baby! All of you.
And finally at #10, it's Robin Williams' latest dramatic masterpiece, The Night Listener, a film with one of the craziest backstories ever, something even James Frey couldn't have imagined. I don't know what more Robin needs to achieve as an actor these days; he already made us laugh in R.V. this year (now available on DVD, PSP and BluRay... Damn! And I thought just owning it on DVD was enough these days. Goodbye, bank account.) Another Oscar? Is that it? Apparently, Best Supporting Actor just doesn't have a good ring to it. Much too wordy. Well, we'll see who gets Best Actor first, him or Kevin Kline. Just to rub it in, Robin's going to do his own version of Life as a House. Well, me myself, I don't know what the advertising budget was for The Final Cut, but that one just may be Robin's most immaculate, comedy-free dramatic performance yet (and starring with Jesus, no less!), but without all the notoriety of Insomnia or that other one... One Hour Photo, that's right. C'mon, Romanek! Let's get cracking on that sophomore feature. Well, if all our lives are indeed recorded, let's fast forward to Robin's next HBO Comedy special. C'mon, Robin! Tear Dubya a new one! Someone's got to.
And that's it for this week's box office report. Hey, I got to it a little quicker than last week, right? :)

They Premiere it up in Telluride, I mean it's Here to Stay...,

Which can only mean one thing, it's time to examine with a magnifying glass this delicate butterfly known as the Week's Box Office Tally before we pin it by its wings to the particle board behind the glass case. Unfortunately, I'm on the run again and gotta keep things short, say, one quip per movie.
Well! As an illustration of how contentious this battle to be in the top 10 is, in a stunning reversal, Clerks 2 was bumped down to #11 (or lower) by My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I've got no comments on MSEG except to say that apparently people aren't ready to accept Uma Thurman in a non-Kill Bill role yet. Here's hoping the TV show version of it doesn't fall through. You go, girl!
Anyway, back to Clerks 2. Even Jesus himself couldn't keep it on the Top 10. So when is Kevin Smith going to go on a drunken rampage, calling his fanbase a bunch of damn cheapskates? ...or was that Crazy Mel Gibson? And does this really have any bearing at all on my life? Anyway, you may have seen in the TV spots for Clerks 2, Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame says to the new super-downsized Ethan Suplee (on loan from the cast of My Name is Earl), "You know, Jesus was a Jew!" This is of course a fact that many Christians have to come to terms with, which manifests itself in a veritable rainbow of religious behavior. Me, myself, I'm part of an extra-hardcore Christian sect that believes that, after God resurrected Jesus, God sent Jesus to a special DNA-changing facility. They had those back then, you know, and Jesus had any and all traces of his Jewishness removed, and this was done so that the likes of James Dobson wouldn't be offended. I mean, even God wouldn't like James Dobson when he's mad!
As for the rest of the box office, numbers 9 to 4 are really just a sad reminder of what an anemic summer it's shaping up to be. Dupree beats Little Man? See what I mean? At least Prada got past 100 million, and no one knows how. I'm keeping my fingers crossed: Princess Diaries 3! I think I said that already, but does it not bear repeating?
10 years into the Pixar revolution, and watch out, Barnyard! Look at the CGI entries here: Monster House and Ant Bully. Don't count your stock options before they hatch, guys!

One of the major film critics said that John Tucker of John Tucker must die is a budding psychopath. Why? Just because he's dating the three hottest girls in high school? Is he not living Utah's dream? You should see how he's doing at the other high schools in the district! But I don't mean to give away the sequel so soon. The fact is, as a nation are we not looking for our own John Tucker to love, to hate, the fulcrum on which all our emotions must be hung, that John Tucker who will lead us out of the moral quandries we find ourselves in? He is old enough to serve in Iraq if my intuition doesn't lead me astray. But even the Green Zone isn't safe anymore. I didn't see it on TV. Damn liberal media!

As for the New and Improved Miami Vice, my close friend and I agree, I think they were expecting better numbers. Should've had Tom Cruise as the white one. Either that, or actually use the Colin Farrell sex tape in the movie. Or have Don Johnson in a cameo role where he rolls his eyes and says "Ah, been there, done that. Come back to me, Melanie!" As for PTC2, what can you say? Careers are secure at this point. Verbinski even more secure than Chris Columbus, I would imagine! Think about your legacy, Gore! Don't do Weather Man 2, for God's sake! As for me, I want to see an old timey box office battle like True Lies and Forrest Gump back in '94, each taking respective turns at #1 in a constant battle for dominance! Fight the gradual slide! C'mon!
Well, that's about all the damage I can do. Time for another break. Gonna miss me? :)

We're ready for your close-up, Dr. Zetsche

The head of DaimlerChrysler is now on our TVs! Kind of refreshing to see a guy who's not totally pandering, as in the one where he leaves a guy speechless in a car after driving around like a madman for 30 seconds, which in a car commercial can seem like forever, and bidding him adieu, or rather, Aufwiederzehen! ...Is that how you spell it? And dude! The guy's accent is about as thick as Ahnold's! In the above one, however, Mr. Zetsche tries to fend off the wrath of Goober, the angry car commercial director. Well, the USA is kinda hated the world over right now, so maybe this commercial will make up for it and start the global healing.
So what's happening in the world lately? I mean, in the world of movies. Well, Mel Gibson's officially turned into his Lethal Weapon character, only more beard-y and less likable. It just ain't the go-go 80s anymore, Melissa! Well, like father, like son, eh? Actually, I'm more reactionary than ol' Hutton. He believes the sun revolves around the earth, whereas I believe it revolves strictly around North America, and I have the charts to prove it ... somewhere. I wrote it on toilet paper.
What else happening? Saw an interesting movie on the horizon, the dramatic version of The Corporation if you will, called Jennifer Government. And E. Max Frye, better make sure it's not another Amos & Andrew! Like I need to tell you. Why do I see what's her name in the title role... Jennifer Garner, that's it! That Dude where's my car 2 never did happen, did it? :(
Oh yeah, The Ant Bully's coming out soon. As David Spade might say, I liked it the first time when it was called The Genesis Tub on ... let me look it up here... Treehouse of Horror VII! ...man! Was it that long ago? Maybe it's time to revisit the theme.
In other news, the ad budget for John Tucker must Die has officially passed the film's budget. This John Tucker guy's a real bad-ass playa. One of his catch phrases is "What's my type? Girl is my type." Which is why, for example, the outspoken Camryn Manheim isn't in the cast. Which doesn't explain why Hollywood auteur Betty Thomas is behind the camera! Shame, Betty, shame.
So many movies out there, the proverbial glut. I'm just concerned films like The Groomsmen and Clerks 2 will get lost in the shuffle. Well, can't worry about it. It'll be a distant memory by next week. I'll try to post sooner than that next time. Man! A week in blog time, well, you might as well be dead.

Yarrgh! And the latest cinematic Scuttle-poop

test cinematic... damn jumping cursor! I currse thee... Anyway, better post again before I forget how. Life... taking over! Not good. So what have I been up to? Finally thrown off the Full Metal Jacket addiction for a while; starting to turn into a marine. Here's an interesting fact you might not know about the movie Full Metal Jacket: no one actually wears a jacket made of metal in the whole movie! And Kubrick had them made and everything, too; girl, you know he did. That was the primary cost of the movie; damn perfectionists. D'Onofrio needed a larger one, what with the weight gain and all.
Anyway, let's take a look at the latest news, and for that there's really only one place to go: Moviefone, baby! Remember the Seinfeld Moviefone episode? Of course you do! One of the headlines is: Will Spider Man end with #3? Gee, I hope not. However, what with the budgets skyrocketing on each one, the fourth will have to cost at least 500 million to make. That money better be up there on the screen, that's all I know! And Sony... , but Spidey is tackling a lot of villians this time. There's only one solution to that: have them all jet-ski towards each other like in Waterworld... oops! Sorry. fprgpt to say Spoilers! There's also something about the Top 700 best superhero movies ever... obviously, I didn't have time to read the whole list. Hey! I ain't Jeff Albertson here! However, I do know that Payola was involved because Constantine was in the top 30...
The other big story is the premiere of Clerks 2: Ec-clerk-tic Boogaloo. Oh, c'mon, now! There's no way this is not going to be funny, right? Well, apparently Joel Siegel walked out of the premiere, about 30 minutes into it. I point that fact out because it's going in the new TV spot: "It's a Generation Gap War, folks! Don't trust anyone over 30. They'll only see Clerks 2 for 30 minutes and walk out, like a g--damn sissy movie critic." That, and the "If you think you've seen it all before... see it again!" spots will be playing soon. I'm hoping for the best, of course, but they might have to downgrade from "#1 movie in America" to "#1 Comedy in America" to "#1 NEW comedy in America!" Damn you, Little Man!
Incidentally, they say Kevin Smith's never done a Clerks sequel before. Well, unless you count The Flying Car (2002) (TV), or the animated TV show... which we won't, even though it followed Who Wants to be a Millionaire. When Regis was on, and the show was good, and the whole world was watching.. Regis! Well, I didn't want to spill the beans, but... another spoiler! He's actually making two Clerks sequels back-to-back like everyone else these days. Clerks 3 will hit in about six months. They're always spaced six months apart. Except for PTC3. There always has to be an exception.
What other new movie news? Well, I must say, shame on Jay Leno. Shame, sir! He made a joke about Haley Joel Osment crashing his car recently. Leno called him a "former child actor". Former child actor? Hey, we're not talking about Rick Schroeder or Soleil Moon Frye or Barrett Oliver here! Isn't HJO a little bigger than that? ...guess not. Yeah, he's right. He's always right. I didn't watch ... what was that turkey called? Self-made Lions? And I guess the voice-over work's suffering ever since they dropped. Well, whatever the reason for the car crash ... ah! Not yet a part of his mini-IMDb bio yet... we're pulling for you, buddy. If nothing else, daddy will get another job with Spielberg playing someone's assistant. And next time, if you have to crash a car, do it closer to the release date!
And now, an update on the only new movie I care about, NCFOM... I don't know. In this age of CSI, and NCIS and The Unit and The Shield, and whatever the hell else is on TV in the realm of cop / police detective shows... does anyone care anymore? Will anything stick? Just how jaded are we? Is there a Jade-o-meter? Are the Republicans using it against us? Incidentally, here's a great Coen bros. site: it says NCFOM's going to have about a 30 million dollar budget, and Hail Caesar is definitely going to cost WAY less than Intolerable Cruelty. Play it safe for a while, guys. :)

Re: Good news regarding the economy dlo

ATTENTION H0MEOWNERS -- REFINAANCE RIGHTNOW!!! Consolidate your bills, slash montly mortggage payments and experience huge savings. ...oops, sorry about that. Sometimes my junk email gets past the filter. They're getting smarter!

So much news to get to... My man M. Night is flogging his latest auteuring Lady in the Water on my man Jon's show, The Daily Show. All I know is, the commercials are at least ground-breaking: there's a woman doing the announcing in the commercial! In your face, LaFontaine!

Meanwhile, as if you needed more evidence that TV is the new Movies ... Movie Theater, what have you, you get what I'm trying to say; thank you very much, Jerry Bruckheimer! Bet all those critics are kicking themselves now for panning Bad Boys 2! Anywho, James Woods takes it to the Small Screen, and brings it big time to a new show called Shark. Hey, who wouldn't be tired of slumming in films like The Virgin Suicides and Another Day in Paradise and ... True Crime? It's time to be seen again! Incidentally, in the show, Shark, he plays a former defense attorney turned Federal prosecutor named, uh ... Sebastian Shark. That's all I have to say about that.

In other commercial news, Nick Lachey's got a big Screw You to the new Daisy Duke running like hotcakes on my beloved Comedy Central, for one. Yes, it's an ad for a product called Clix, from the makers of Axe and Tag body spray. A little something for all those guys in traction now, from getting tackled by all those girls who smelled the body spray. The guys are a little older now, a little wiser, walking with a cane or crutches, but still want the ego boost. Now they just want to be noticed, not tackled. Surely our Nicky's not gone out to pasture on us already? We need you, Nicky! The War of the Sexes is still on! Us men have got next to nothing left!...

What else? Well, Brad Garrett finally breaks the Raymond curse with his new show, 'Til Death. Just as Freaks and Geeks shattered the illusion of High School, 'Til Death shatters the illusion of the happy marriage. Wow! Holy Originality, Batman!

Commercials may just be the new Movie Star launching pad, just as a stool in Schwab's was once so long ago. The dude what plays an iMac in them iMac commercials is the star of a new movie, Accepted. And I mean the STAR! Not the bland love interest that draws you into Dodgeball. Not more Ancillary Character falderal of the Jeepers Creepers saga. THE Star. Of Accepted, which is a PG-13 Animal House, or Old School if you like, except now they're creating their own college. Nice to know the same old jokes apply, though, huh? Hoorah for the internet! Also check him out in the upcoming Idiocracy, Mike Judge's next pic. I can see the ads now: "From the director of Office Space... all you bastards think THAT's a masterpiece now, right? So pony up for this you cheapskates!!!" So what's Harrison Bergeron, chopped liver?

Dang. Up too late again. Caught most of Into the Night. I get the distinct feeling Jeff Goldblum is channeling Chevy Chase. How that ladies' man didn't nab Michelle Pfeiffer I'll always know. Incidentally, you notice it says here that Nick Lachey's favourite actress is Michelle... Nice try, Nickie, but that Clix crap's not gonna work on that one. David E. Kelley might not have a hit show on TV right now, but you're gonna need more than man perfume to drive a wedge between him and his lady. And their two kids.
And on that note, g'night!

Oh yeah... I do albums, too.

Recently felt a'hankerin' to hear one of the old classics, Peter Gabriel's 3rd eponymously (or is it apocryphal? The dictionary's just no help to me these days) titled album with the melty face on it. Good ol' Peter Gabriel, Charlie Brown! I couldn't help but notice all his CDs have gotten similar makeovers; the backs aren't the originals, but at least the covers remain; well, there's only one movie to link to on that one, am I right people?
Now I'm not on the street these days so I don't know what the word is about ol' PG. Some may theorize that he killed Genesis, but not enough so that Phil Collins came back to do the wonderful opening drum riff on the opening track, Intruder! All these years later and I still love the showmanship in that song. The drums, the eerie ethereal piano, the xylophone on crack, and if I remember correctly Phil himself did his own ... homage, if you will, called "Mama". Anyway, Intruder kind of sets and whets the palette for the general tone of all the songs on the album about deranged psychopaths, excepting of course Biko, but you still gotta give this album some mad props: four of its cuts made it onto Shaking the Tree, his compilation CD from diddley-some years ago... am I aging myself or what?
Anyway, march with me as I continue my analysis of the tracks... No Self Control; I wonder where the lyrical inspiration came from that bridge section (There will always be the silences, waiting behind the chair...) Also, I wonder what it would sound like if Ray Charles covered it. Anyway, the third is an instrumental which leads into John Poindexter's theme song, I Don't Remember. It got trimmed a little in its transition to Shaking the Tree, which is always a shame in my book. Is this not Rock's thumping tribute to amnesia?
Next is Family Snapshots, and again, the showmanship helps counterbalance the lyrics. I can't help but think of the movie Chaplin where Chaplin's brother at every turn warns that the people don't want to hear pop songs about Lee Harvey Oswald. Something like that. Anyway it also made the Tree. The same can't be said for And Through the Wire, which, with Come Talk to Me off his '92 album Us, is a nice duet in praise of the phone company. ...sorry, can't find a link to those first 1-800-Collect commercials, so skip it. Then, side two of the old vinyl (really dating myself now!) rippingly begins with Games Without Frontiers, or Jeux sans frontiers... damn! So many french words in English. How exactly did that happen? I remember being underwhelmed by the music video, maybe because they had to cut out the part about pissing on goons.. or did they? Anyway, he made up for it with Sledgehammer, big time. I guess we'll never see a music video like that ever again, people are just too jaded by tv and videos in general.
It's been a whie since I heard the opening guitar riff of Not One of Us. Again, I don't know what rocks, but I humbly ask, does that not? And how can you not like the chorus reminiscent of Fleetwood Mac's overtly sexual track Big Love? Incidentally, I'm told that both songs are used quite a bit at the Connecticut underground orgy scene. The wonders never cease.
Then of course, every recording artist dreams of having a song with the corrosive simplicity of a song like Lead a Normal Life. You know, something that a friend will speak of to a friend "Man, you won't believe the song I heard the other day! It's just these same damn notes over and over again..." You can't BUY that kind of attention. So what else can I say? The song is as I remembered it... Which closes the album with Biko. Peter said he never wrote a ... oh, what was the word? Activist song? Oh, it's such a dirty word now. Political! I think that was it; that's even worse. Again, balancing the mostly fictional album out with a political song... good move. And good feng shui, or whatever they call it these days. Future memory? Scary!!! Speaking of Richard Attenborough, anyone remember Cry Freedom? Herein lies the danger of promoting a film on MTV; everyone thought it was going to be about Biko (Denzel Washington). Ah, 1987 was a rough year for the big auteurs, Attenborough with Cry Freedom, Spielberg with Empire of the Sun.

Speaking of Peter Gabriel, Napster seems to have come full circle being free again, but I know the music biz will never really forgive Napster, bringing style and zazz to checking out CDs from the library and making a couple new millionaires in the process. But there's another crime against music that hasn't gotten as much attention from the press or the Federal Government. Something so heinous that even Keith Gordon's stomach is churning! I was watching Phenomenon recently (Can you believe it? Schwarzenegger turned down the lead! And we all thought he was so magical once...), getting sucked in to its slickness of production, sinking down lower and lower in my chair as it washed over me, when I was violently awakened by the re-tooled version of Gabriel's I Have The Touch!! Completely re-mastered featuring new Elevator-Friendly guitar riffs, probably supplied by Bruce Hornby and his Range. And I don't need to tell those of you in this Know that yes, they did indeed tiptoe around the lyric "There you stand before me, all that fur and all that hair..." heh heh. This is a PG picture, after all! I'm sure some people will blame Gabriel himself for agreeing to go along with it, but it's such a massive retooling of the song that I can't get too mad at him about it. I'll bet even he was surprised by it. It's like the makeup in Dick Tracy, I don't think we've seen a reworking of a song like this since (except a little in The Rocketeer) Tell you what, though, there's another song off that same album, Security, (the Shock the Monkey album... oy! Don't even get me started on Project X!!!!!) that no one will EVER touch with a 10-foot soundtrack pole, not even Scorsese himself, and that of course is The Family and the Fishing Net. :)

Box Office Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Dang! Still evolving into a dyslexic typist. Good thing I catch myself sometimes.
Well, folks, John Dean's got a new book out, which means it's time for someone to publish a sequel to Silent Coup. I mean, c'mon folks! Nixon removed himself. See also Joshua Then and Now for another nice apaeaan ..paean? About Nixon. ...no one's put up that quote yet? Guess I'll have to do it. Later on.
And of course we've been hearing lately on the news about how conservatives are being elected all over the globe now, too. Speaking of pirates, POTC2 baby! #1 with a bullet at the box office! And a sword and doubloons and all that pirate crap. Actually got to see it this weekend, and man, what a freakshow. If only they were handing out bonus points for dressing the part. A good percentage of the audience would've gotten something. The usher warned me to get there 45 minutes early. Got there about ten minutes beforehand, but I got a better seat than I got for the first one, that's for sure. Craned my neck skyward until I decided about the halfway point I've had enough.
Anyway, they did the new old reliable Wednesday Release trick to boost the box office take. It worked for the first one and The Da Vinci Code, and why not? Bottom line, they're entertaining flicks, and now it's a Star Wars-esque franchise. Unfortunately we have to wait more than six months for the last installment, so it's not all good news.
Now there may be some of you out there wondering why I'm not profiling the other nine entrants in the usual Box Office horse race. The answer is quite simple, really. They're LOSERS! Damn dirty losers! Not worthy of time nor space, but I will give a brief shout out to Waist Deep, the little movie that could. And why? Even I don't know, but it's hanging on by fingernails, and not sliding down the drapes as fast as everyone thought it would. Hmm! They must be running trailers for it on Fox News Movie Channel!
All right, that's it for me. More big movies on the horizon, though: Clerks 2; Little Man, or White Chicks 2; Basic Instinct 2 now out on DVD! And PSP... what is this PSP everyone keeps advertising about? And how much more debt am I going to rack up thanks to a new format?