This vs. This

Man! The way they were talking on the TV about it... I won't say what channel to protect their anonymity... Okay, it was Reelz Channel, which is turning into E! for just movies, which I kinda like, but all they could talk about last weekend was Get Smart and The Love Guru. Which will be #1? Which one? The way they were talking you'd think the two were evenly matched or something, but no! Apparently all the teens and tweens have betrayed the Mike-ster, and all the good times he's given them with all the Austin Powers movies, and all the Shrek movies, and dared not venture into semi-virgin territory with his latest venture, The Love Guru. (T.L.G. I call it for short.) No, G. Smart's da ting this week, handily at #1, with 38.7 million in the bank. And yet, people will still say that Tommy Boy's their favorite Peter Segal movie. Really? What about the unrated Nutty Professor 2? What about the unrated My Fellow Americans? How can you be so shallow, America?
Meanwhile, back at the lab, at #2 it's The Incredible Hulk, almost past the 100 million barrier. Damn! We were THIS close to Luc Besson directing it. He probably would've cast Bjork as the love interest or something. The Movie Connections tab calls it a version of the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk. If that were me I'd feel slighted. Guess this one's a little less ethereal. And am I the only one who's noticed that Robert Downey Jr. is in this one as Tony Stark? I must be. Well, if I had a cable show I'd mention it like gangbusters. (wink, whink)
At #3 it's KFP, or Kung Fu Panda. Suck on it, Wall:E!
At #5 it's The Happening, already doing better than Lady in the Water, which M. Night can't help but be happy about, I bet. Oh, I forgot. He doesn't have to worry about those kinds of things. His next movie will be about how bad things happen to Hollywood producers who don't greenlight his next bi-annual $50 mill-plus Hitchcock/Twilight Zone tribute.
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Rounding out the rest of the top 10 we get the two heavyweights of the summer season so far, Iron Man and Indy 4. Indy's almost at 300 million, Iron Man's just over it. But Iron Man cost more, so nyaah nyaah!
Meanwhile Zohan's at #7, and almost at 100 million. Not quite as impressive as Sandler's 2007 project, Chuck and Buck or whatever it was, but I think he's safe. Just spare us Big Stan 2, will ya?
Meanwhile, Sex and the City's at #8 with 6.5 mill this week, and 132 mill total. Oddly enough, HBO's not going to show it! It'll only be on Showtime. The mind boggles.
And finally the one we haven't tangentially or directly dealt with yet, The Strangers at #10. Well, with Liv Tyler in it, does that make it Silent Fall 2? I gotta go.

'Sex' trumps 'Indy'

Damn! Behind again. Better keep it short. Now I'm no mathematician, but the Sex and the City movie must've done very very well, seeing as how it's another one of those damn 2.5 hour epics. They must've put it in 50,000 theaters across the country. Or, the new Indy flick must've really sucked! Just kidding, but man! Haven't seen anything like it since Legally Blonde 1 kicked AI's ass! Owch.
What else? The Strangers at #3... I forget. I saw a trailer for it, looked pretty scary. But frankly, these nouveau horror pics are so homogeneous (similar) that it's hard to tell them apart. But we can all agree that See no Evil (2006) is a genuine turd.

Yeah, I know, there's one teenager out there who posted "This is the greatest movie I've ever seen!" We've been down that road before.
Not much else to report this go round. Speed Racer & Baby Mama cling by fingernails, and Made of Honor slightly trumps Made of Shame, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Okay, on to the Zohan week. Should I even bother attempting the word verification? It won't go anyway on the first iteration because I take so long typing in all this blog.

Short Reviews - May '08

In movie news, Spike Lee's next epic is a go. Originally going to be Jungle Fever 2, the script was slightly tweaked and is now going to be called O.J. Yeah, that's right! In a casting coup, Spike landed Taye Diggs as O.J. Simpson, and landed himself as Al Cowlings. It's going to be a 200+ minute epic, and O.J. has apparently signed on as executive producer, on the condition that his share of the profits go to "charity". We'll see. On to the rest now...

(The) Last Action Hero - Welp, that says it best for me!

Teacher's Pet - Gary Baseman: The Motion Picture. My God! What would happen if Baseman and Keith Haring had a baby?

Juno - Oscar winner for Best Original Screenplay. Here's my question: "He's the cheese to my macaroni." First of all, this is the stuff of an Oscar winning screenplay? And second, and bear in mind I don't know a whole lot about love, or lust, or any of that kind of crap, but shouldn't the genders be switched on that one? In other words, shouldn't he be the macaroni to her cheese? It's all very confusing to me. But all I really need to know is that it's hip. Very painfully hip. Not cool, because it's swimming too fast in its own hipness to keep cool.

The Bachelor - Now, the sexual metaphor here you can understand! Grasses. I love it.

Speed Racer - That was the problem. It sped too fast into our hearts. Ya gotta slow down and savor certain things. Like press junkets.

Another Woman - Woody Allen does Cassavetes

Escape to Witch Mountain - I remember it better.

The Love Bug - Oh, where would Disney be without the public schools?

Bombs Away - Am I the only one who knows this movie? Probably!

The Border - Did Walter Hill drop out at the last minute?

The Wizard of Speed and Time - They had it on VHS at my local video store, but it was busted. The tape was severed from the reel right at the beginning of the tape, so I couldn't play it. Is that close enough?

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man - If nothing else, I know where they got the big shootout at the end of True Lies from!

Point Break - I know where they got True Lies' big turning-a-gas-pump-into-a-flame-thrower gag from!

Lady Against the Odds - Homer!

Lost & Found - Tommy Boy 2

Creepshow 3 - Makes the second one look like a masterpiece.

Isobar - What Silver Streak was for Chicago?

The Holiday - Dean Cundey? Really? Where's the special effects? Must be harkening back to his Galaxina days.

Touch - Skeet Skeet Skeet!

Winning - Paul Newman as Frank Capra? Do I have that right?

Winter Passing - I know I shouldn't be burned out on dry-witted movies like this, but for some reason I am.

Winter People - Meant to see it, thought it was Winter Passing.

Remo Williams - Decent flick, but man! The rollicking Sousa-esque Remo theme song got a little old after a while.

Robin Williams on Broadway - Oh he's still got it, baby. That, and the fact that he doesn't have to work a day in his life ever again.

Sex and the City: The Motion Picture - All right! So which one gets raped?

The Zohan, You don't mess with - Adam Sandler's Munich

Graham Norton Effect, The - That's what I get for going through old video tapes. Thought I forgot about this one.

Tomcats - Does Shannon Elizabeth end up marrying Jake Busey? I couldn't stick around to find out, I just couldn't.

Hancock - It does look funny. It's the kind of thing Martin Lawrence couldn't pull off. Not until he does a couple more Disney movies, anyway.


That's probably more than enough for now, huh?

...close enough

Yep, just going to sneak this one in under the wire. And it's Prince Caspian taking its toll a whole week before Indiana Jones 4 is sure to mop up. A good friend of mine who's opinion I trust mentioned Caspian and said, "I don't get it." I said, yeah, the whole C.S. Lewis thing, series of six books, and they go, "I still don't get it." Apparently they just have previous footage of Tilda Swinton as the White Witch, doing like Boromir in LOTR:ROTK. And didn't Liam Neeson retire again? But they do have Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage going toe to toe. See all the fun you're missing, Rappaport? Oh, that was just wrong...

At #2, it's Iron Man, surely paving the way for Elf 2, Zathura 2 and Made 2. Meanwhile, in other similar good news, What Happens in Vegas... stays strong at #3. You're still sexy, Cameron, don't worry. But let's have a shout out for scripter Dana Fox. Oh sure, you're not as dynamic or as Oscar-winning as Diablo Cody, but surely your next crappy script will be green-lit now, no problem! But look out, video shelves, we're already ramping up for When in Rome. Now, what's that all about? I don't think anyone's going to touch Do like the French Do, or maybe something about tourists in heat making whoopee on Easter Island. See? It writes itself!

Meanwhile at #4 it's Speed Racer. There's a lesson here, Wachowski brothers. Time to start doing interviews, even if they are unflattering. As for #5, Made of Honor, it's made of pure star charisma, flying high solely on the wings of Patrick Dempsey. Surely it is time for Run 2: 20 years Later or Loverboy 2: 20 years later? Resist the temptation, Demp!

As for the rest of you slugs, who cares. Except for The Visitor which, much like Made of Honor before it, is soaring on the wings of Six Feet Under star Richard Jenkins. Yes, he's flying high on his own now, giving comfort to all the unremarkable pasty white men out there. And speaking of the upcoming Step Brothers, is it not time for Jenkins and James Taylor to star in Two-Lane Blacktop 2: The Next Generation? In which Jenkins and Taylor mentor a couple of young punks, and I'm thinking John Mayer and, what's his name, that dufus married to Ashlee Simpson. Not the guy who was married to Jessica, though. Nick Lachey, that's the bastid. No, he's going to play the son of the bad karate teacher in the upcoming Karate Kid 5: Beyond All Hope.

Iron Man, pt. 2

Oh, something else I'll never get done. But by God I'm seeing this through to the end this time.
At #5 the Apatow Raunch Fest (ARF) continues unabated with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. How many screenplays is this bastard going to unleash on an unsuspecting public? At least as a director he's only got a two year gestation period. We'll just have to wait til 2009 for his next directorial effort, Untitled Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler Project. Sounds like it might surprise you!
At #4 it's Harold and Maude 2... no I'm sorry, it's Harold & Kumar 2. Something about Guantanamo Bay. I forget who likes it more, the ACLU or Amnesty International. And you thought they were a bunch of humorless liberals! Not true!
Moving briskly on to #3, it's Baby Mama. It's doing well, but is it doing well enough for Lorne? Hmmmm. That's a head-scratcher. As for Tina Fey, well, I think she's got too much time on her hands. Between 30 Rock and this and going back on SNL to endorse Hillary Clinton, way too much time.
At #2, from the director of Leonard Part 6 and City Slickers 2, it's Made of Honor (part 1). And it seems to be coasting aloft solely on the charm of the new Patrick Dempsey, but for me, it's breakthrough star Kevin McKidd who steals the show. Why? The awesome name! He's a McMan now!

And finally, at #1... Who knew? The superhero pic reigns triumphant at this week's Box Office. But, for how long? This time, it's another one from the Stan Lee side of things, Iron Lung ... Forgive me, my mind must be elsewhere. It's Iron Man, dummy! Now, the whole industry was skeptical that Jon Favreau could direct a blockbuster, but boy did he prove them wrong! Besides, people forget, his Elf kicked Russell Crowe's sorry historical ass just five years earlier or so. But I do get the feeling that when the DVD rolls around, we're going to have to suffer through footage of that day when Vince Vaughn stopped by the set, and ol' Fred Claus and Favreau just got to riffing, and improvised something better than anything in the movie. But don't worry, they'll make Swingers 2 out of it soon enough.

Iron Man, pt. 1

I hate to keep harping on this, but if there's anyone out there with No Country on Blu-Ray, maybe you could pause it for me and try to make out the inscription on that thing that's on the wall of the convenience store. It's probably not a circa-1980 thing, but I'll let it pass. I just wanna know what it says. Damn! I knew I should have taken a pair of binoculars to the theater with me... Also, note the ravages of bad letterboxing. Why, about a fifth of the bottom of the screen has been hacked off for the sake of prestigious-looking letterboxing. Similar hatchet jobs have been done to O Brother Where Art Thou and Intolerable Cruelty, although I suppose less people care so much about the latter. Am I the only one? Okay, skip it.
So! Let's dive right into the latest news, and I'll do it like I once did many moons ago: focusing on the bottom 5 first. At #10 it's 88 minutes, or ... wait, I know the answer to this one: 15 Minutes, part 5.86666667, something like that. Technically, it's a bomb, right? Oh well, these days certain people can bomb any number of times and it's okay.
At #9 it's 21, or Beyond the Sea 1.5, heh heh. And this thing's doing gangbusters, opening the door for movies to be green-lit about cribbage, abacuses, Old Maid, Go Fish and Bridge. Maybe David Mamet can get together with Ricky Jay and whip up something about Bridge, the Professor Emeritus of card games. Not too many writers can do a good treatment on the subject. Maybe get Eric Roth and Tony Kushner in on it too, for good measure. And Michael Tolkin and Steven Zaillian, they're not busy, right?
Prom Night slashes its way to #8. It's not your father's PG-13, I can tell you that!
At #7 it's Nim's Island. Speaking of games! Isn't Nim the one where you can cross off any number of slashes so that you're not the last sucker in the room, something like that? Neil Gaiman, eat your heart out. Anyway, Nim answers the question: what if Jodie Foster gave a movie and nobody came? Ah, she'll probably brush it off. Besides, she's still got Inside Man 2 to contend with, right? Or will they replace her with Maggie Gyllenhaal too?
And finally for now, from the director of Tummy Trouble and Roller Coaster Rabbit, comes The Forbidden Kingdom. Yes, that's right, in what should have been a perfectly good episode of (Hollywood) Auteur Watch, we ever so briefly examine the rise and rise of Rob Minkoff through the Hollywood ranks. No doubt about it, the bastid's paid his dues and then some. Apparently he was an animator on a little gem called Technological Threat. Careful, Rob! I think Kroyer's got your cell phone number, but he'll wait for the right opportunity to call, so brace yourself.
Okay, peace out.

Short Reviews - April '08

I have just seen the future, people: Wesley Snipes as Rev. Wright in a new Spike Lee joint: Bamboozled 2! Or is it Get on the Bus 2? One of those. Hey, you know what it's time for? Some more Four Word Movie Reviews!


Burn After Reading - just four more months ...

Wall:E - Total Short Circuit ripoff

Drop Zone - John Badham's Point Break

Smart People - Juno 2? Nothing less!

Thirteen Ghosts - F. Murray Abraham sushi

Then She Found Me - Oscar for Best Director?

What Happens in Vegas - ... is now on film!

Last King of Scotland, The - Randy Scotsman's fishhook crucifixion

Click - Adam Sandler's Slaughterhouse Five

Original Sin - Jolie's historically overpowering sexiness

Gia - Jolie's overpowering supermodel sexiness

Life or Something Like It - Seattle can sink anything ...

Taking Lives / Beyond Borders / A Mighty Heart - Jolie's overpowering activism sexiness

Lookin' to Get Out - Jolie's overpowering underage sexiness


Girl 6 - Under the Tarantinan Moon.

The Getaway (1995) - Better than Schepisi, Alec?

Breach - Penultimate CIA mole's Entrapment

What Lies Beneath - Pfeiff in the bathtub?

Thoth - Someone got a lisp?

Leatherheads - Football flix is nix

Indiana Jones 4 - Computer hackers aren't waiting ...

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Comedy genre wearing thin

The Forbidden Kingdom - Crouching Tiger part 8

88 minutes - Off by 20 ... damn! I knew I couldn't sustain it.

...close enough

My one weakness. I'm not really up on the good prom movie classics. I draw a total blank. Then of course, there is the scene where the swimming pool cover opens in "It's a Wonderful Life" and people start falling in. That was during a prom, right?
Anywho, Prom Night hijacks the box office this week at a whopping 20 million dollars. Which is fine, except that they spent 20 million dollars promoting the damn thing on TV! It looked a little too much like Shutter for my taste. Or The Grudge 2. Or that one where the mom's making the bed, and we see a pair of ghost legs under the sheet as it settles to the mattress. You know, Spielberg had a scene like that in Temple of Doom. It took a whole ILM team about five years to put it together seamlessly. Scary as hell! But he had it cut at the last minute. Made the film too long. Interrupted the flow, too.
But I digress again. Street Kings debuts at #2 with a whopping one eighth of a hundred million dollars, for all those of you who watch Wall Street very closely. Why this does well, and yet that thing with Batman tanks, I'll never know.
Sadly, 21's luck is slipping as it slips to #3, but with a cume of 61.7 million it's the second biggest take this week behind that Dr. Seuss crap at #6. PATHETIC!!!
Been a while since I used that one, huh? I kinda missed it too. Now, at #4 it's the dark horse, Nim's Island, but that's what I get for not watching Nickelodeon. Something like that. Oh well. They can't all be the hero of the Box Office. But you know what? At least Abigail Breslin's not going directly for the hasty sloppy Little Miss Sunshine follow-up, not like miss Juno over there, AKA Smart People at #7.
At #5 it's George Clooney's politically-charged drama, Leatherheads. Doing pretty respectably, considering! Somehow I didn't think Middle America would go for it. But somebody must be! You know Middle America, right? All those mom and pop stores sponsored by Coca-Cola and Pepsi. One old theater in town still showing The Departed.
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As for the rest of these turkeys, see above for 6 and 7. The Ruins crashes a little more at #8. Damn close to being outright condemned. But perhaps this clears the way for Indy 4, who knows. And that kick-ass spiral staircase.
At #9 it's the second generation ZAZ clone, Superhero Movie. And yet, this guy was able to get Leslie Nielsen and Pamela Anderson, almost right out of Scary Movie 3. Have they covered all the genres yet? I'm sure whatever the next one is, the Chigurh clone has GOT to be in it. Just got to be. Maybe get Chris Kattan with that same dorky haircut.
And finally, Drillbit Taylor at #10. How a guy named Drillbit got to be popular with the ladies I'll never know. But I'm sure Seth Rogen, Judd Apatow and John Hughes know the answer, and so much more. Does he slip on ice and fall on his back about ten times?

The House wins at the Box Office...

Yeah, it's 21 baby, all the way! And I'm not talking about that one with Patsy Kensit. You know, right after she hit it big with Lethal Weapon 2. No, this is Blackjack, my friends! Will this spawn a Blackjack Renaissance, much like the one we just went through with Poker? Are they scrambling to make the new Bond pic about Blackjack? Probably not. I'm still waiting for the one about Declaring War. Or Old Maid. Yeah, reminds me of when I first learned to read cards. The Old Maid card in our 2nd Grade class had a dog-eared corner. Hey! Maybe P.T. Anderson's next sprawling epic can be one of those Lars von Trier's one-take kind of thing about how 52 Card Pickup was first invented. Sky's the limit, baby, but remember: the house always wins. And they don't like jokes.

But back to the movie at hand. Anyone else notice that Kevin Spacey and Kate Bosworth are doing too many movies together? Superman 5? Beyond the Sea? This? People will say they're in love!

At #2 it's the latest Dr. Seuss pic, and it just crossed the all-important 100 million barrier. Of course, with all these Dr. Seuss pics, they're extremely cost-prohibitive, so once it crosses the 200 million barrier it'll finally turn a profit.

At #3 it's Superhero Movie. For some reason, I thought it was out already. Must've been that saturation bombing ad campaign. I feel like I've seen it already. And in a way, we all have!

At #4, it's the latest Tyler Perry flick. Hoh boy, Tyler Perry's stockholders are not going to be happy at the next shareholders meeting. Hmm! That gives Tyler a new idea for a play! Madea Kicks a little Ass at the Shareholders Meeting. Why not?

At #5 it's the latest Judd Apatow production. And here we go again. But, people grow weary of the latest Judd Apatow production, don't they? How to spice it up? Another screenwriter's input. And who do they get? Mr. Home Alone himself, John Hughes! Perhaps he's going through his Second Hipness phase. Perhaps not. Do like Matt Groening purportedly does: going through the dumpsters at school and looking at the discarded schoolwork. You know, to get in touch with the word on the street is amongst our young peoples! The teens and the tweens.
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As for the rest, it's too depressing to contemplate. But I think we should stop and look at Stop-Loss. Reminds me, I meant to watch MTV to see how hard they were pushing this one. Not hard enough, apparently. Too busy showing Jackass, still wishing they had a new Beavis and Butt-head that would really capture the hearts and minds. But they do seem to be against this war. What? The soldiers don't want to keep going back? Traitors! Maybe Mel Gibson can make the We Were Soldiers for the Iraq war. You know, Saddam in the spider hole, Saddam's statue coming down, the good times.

Jon Avnet vs. Jon Amiel: Who kicks more ass?

I always get these two confused. But they do have a lot in common: both mega-directors, both named Jon without an 'h', and on reflecting on their fruitful careers I think both would agree that the go-go 90s were their favorite decade. Nice for directors trying to be auteurs, still confused about peoples' budget fetish, but hey! It's all good.

But back to our Who Kicks More Ass question. As you can see from the picture, they are indeed Hollywood high rollers. Avnet is pictured hanging out with... Quentin Tarantino, right? And Amiel is pictured on the set of Entrapment, which you might remember was that Breach dude's favorite movie. As much as I hate to say it, these two titans are about equally matched. Even though Avnet is much more prolific as a producer, as directors they're about the same. Although I don't think Amiel made as big an impression on the cultural landscape as did Avnet with Fried Green Tomatoes. Anyone that can make unripe tomatoes hip has got that touch of Hollywood magic, no question. On the other hand, Avnet had a hand in that Inspector Gadget movie. Need more be said? Indeed, what is China to make of Jon Avnet? On the one hand, he knows how to produce an audience pleaser like that Sky Captain crap. On the other, we got Red Corner, which was all well and good in the 90s. There were probably a lot of people who wanted to see Richard Gere disappear into a Chinese labor camp, but now that China's so close to recalling all those loans, not so good.

Now, to the Amiel side. I'll confess, I saw F. Green 'maters all those years ago. Don't remember much about it, except Kathy Bates in a Saran-Wrap evening gown. Oh crap, it's all coming back to me now. Better move on. I think that's the only Avnet-directed thing I saw. Seen commercials for the others, though! As for Amiel, I've seen Sommersby, another Gere flic! Oh, that fight between Bill Pullman and Richard Gere, is that not on some fly-by-night magazines' all time movie fight lists? I also saw The Man Who Knew Too Little, during a time when Bill Murray was testing his die-hard fans. Haven't seen all of Copycat yet, but that was the time, you know. Post-Hannibal times, when movie serial killers were all the rage. You will believe Harry Connick Jr. is a creepy serial killer! Must be doing something right! Still, with a film like Copycat, never mind who's in the thing, it's all about the film stock. Much like with a Peter Hyams film. Could've released in IMAX if they really wanted.

So in summation, Your Honor, even after all that I still see these two as evenly matched. So, I'll go with the underdog here (check out their Wikipedia entries and tell me who's the underdog!) and say Jon Amiel kicks more ass. But I will say that Avnet's got something big on the horizon: another movie with Pacino and De Niro, still enjoying the retirement ends of their careers. Oh, when are Scorsese and De Niro going to get back together? And when is Pacino going to get back together with... Coppola? Harold Becker? Roger Donaldson? Michael Mann? Too many choices. Too many Auteurs to keep clear in our heads, but we'll try to sort all that out together.

Short Reviews - Mar. '08

A short Short Reviews... oh, but that ain't right, is it?


Stop-Loss - Dang! Even MTV is against this war!

Prince of Tides, The - How Bubba-Jo Got His Groove Back. Please! Change the subject!!

Prom Night - Hey! She started it...

The Ruins - oh, the ruins, the descent, open water... Overloaded! I think it's time for one of those ... well, ANOTHER one of those spoof movies,,,

21 (the motion picture) - The house still always wins...

Meet The Browns - Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!

Harrison's Flowers - worst movie ever!!! Damn the subject matter...

Harold & Kumar 2 - at least it's timely!

White Coats - yeah, I liked it the first time ... when it was called "Scrubs"!...

Street Kings - Keanu's Training Day....

The Forbidden Kingdom - jet li and jackie chan! Finally in the same movie.

Run Fatboy Run - shouldn't that be Nick Frost?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - that SNL guy has way too much time on his hands

Marie Antoinette - Best 80s adolescence comedy ever!

The Dresser - Great movie. Gotta re-watch this one. ...or maybe not. Seems to be one of those movies that takes place over one night.

Somebody bitch-slap Dr. Suess, will ya?

And somebody bitch-slap this damn blogger software, while you're at it. They don't even ask me anymore if I'm sure I want to navigate away from this page and lose everything I've been typing. I don't know! Maybe I don't!
But I ramble on. This shouldn't be too hard to stitch back together. Just another B.O. analysis, only this time I'm starting at the bottom, all the better to savor the victors at the top my dear!

At #10 it's something called La Misma Luna (Depressed Moon?). I don't see an A-list name in the cast or crew, except for Ligiah Villalobos, who I can only assume is Reynaldo's kid. Look for this one at next year's Oscar under Best Foreign Film.

Vantage Point clings on at #9. I don't know, the trailer gave away too much for me. President Spider Woman sees his own awesome assassination, something like that. Evil twin? Clone? Evil clone? Flashback? Evil flashback? Who cares, am I right?

Locking and loading at #8 is The Bank Job. But did it make enough to justify Saffron Burrows' Triumphant Return to the screen? Only time will tell. And her next pic, of course.

At #7 it's CRT: the Rodent's College Road Trip, and that damn YouTube-inspired flipping pig. I think they call it Flippy! Or Bacon, right at the end during the big barbecue scene, heh heh...

At #6 it's Never Back Down, with Djimon Hounsou as the wizened old coach who's going to take that crazy kid to the top of whatever sport this film is supposed to be about? Box-kicking? Dance-boxing? Capoeiria-ikido? Meanwhile, Cuba Gooding Jr., not to be outdone, is working on Snow Dogs 2, and I just hope and pray Michael Vick doesn't make a guest appearance in this direct-to-video release...
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And now the top 5! And bringing up the rear is 10,000 BC with the second highest cume this week... 76 million clams? That's all? Man! We're not in a Recession, this is a damn Depression!

And speaking of depression, it's Drillbit Taylor at #4. Oh dear, has the market finally bottomed out on quirky characters with funny names and noses? Sorry, Rogen & Co, you should of gone with the R-rated version, like with Superbad and the 40 Year Old Virgin. That would've put it at #1. Meantime, more movie bullies, please! I can't get enough! Hey nerd, I'm talking to you! That kind of thing. Yeah, that never gets old.

Meanwhile, with a slim 100,000 dollar margin, Shutter reigns supreme at #3. Yes, it's another one of those Japanese haute-couture horror imports, with a Naomi Watts-esque blonde getting scared at every turn by only the coolest of special CGI F/X of spooky ghosts with bad teeth. Yawn and double yawn.

At #2 it's Tyler Perry's latest play-turned-hit movie, Meet the Browns. Only three more to go, right? Let's see, there's Madea's CLASS Reunion, Madea goes to Jail, and I Can Do Bad All By Myself. But if it's all just Madea, why not wait, Tyler, until you actually are 68 years old and 320 pounds? Why not? Just to keep it interesting. Why do I get the feeling that Frankie Faison and Angela Bassett feel like they were shanghai'd into this?

And finally another triumph for Dr. Seuss, the only guy in Hollywood making more money than, well, Tyler Perry, for one! And the SOB's dead, for God's sake! I must say I didn't think the make-up could get any stranger than the Grinch flick, but it does here in Horton Hears a Who. I tried to find a suitable Seuss-related image for this week's image, but my local video store doesn't have the Hooberbloob Hwy. on video, so instead I'm going to use this Hollywood vanity logo which belongs to this shmuck who produces that Charlie Sheen show, 2 1/2 men. All for you out there who wanted to be able to read the whole thing, but for some reason still don't have any kind of pausing capability. Worth it just for that, I must say!

And in the naked light I saw 10,000 BC, maybe more...

Nothin'? All right, folks, the pernt is...
Where was I? Oh yeah. Too much damage has gone on for too long, so it's back to the blogging. Meanwhile, the tabloids are putting Swayze in a corner. C'mon, Dubya! Stem cells could save the Swayze!
But I digress once again to pursue a bitter partisan agenda. Let's get back to the news proper like. No surprise here, 10,000 BC kicked some major ass at the box office this week! I'd say it stomped some mammoth ass, but it was indeed the mammoths that did the ass-stomping instead! Clearly there hath been naught like it since 2003's Best Picture winner, LOTR:ROTK as the kids lovingly blog about it. A $75 million budget for this one, mostly for the CGI it seems; clearly Emmerich's taken a hit for his last inconvenient blockbuster, The Day After Tomorrow. Not a name in the cast, apart from Cliff Curtis, and Omar Sharif! As narrator no less! What, caveman poker tricks?
At #2, or rather the #1 (family) comedy this week it's Disney(TM)'s College Road Trip. And its killer app of course is that cute somersaulting pig. Way to offend the Pork Lobby, Disney! I hope you're happy.
At #3, or rather, the #1 Presidential Assassination comedy this week, is Vantage Point. Steep drop-off in the numbers, folks; we're under 10 million. Let's get that economy rolling again, people! On the plus side, we're still knee-deep in Dennis Quaid's second career, and Matthew Fox is not only happy that he's getting work since... what was that prissy Fox soap opera that he was in? Table for One? ...Party of Five, that was it. So, Fox is not only happy that he's gotten work since Party of Five, but that no one else from that show is! Owwch....
At #4 it's the #1 heist serio-comedy pic of the week, The Bank Job. What? No Jet Li? When are he and Statham gonna get together again? Oh, that's right, I forgot, Fearless was Jet Li's last epic. Broad farce for him for now on. Sorry, ladies, The Brazilian Job is the Handsome Rob sequel we're waiting for. One more year, I guess.
At #5 it's the #1 Will Ferrell sports comedy, Semi-Pro. Is he still the 20 million dollar man, Hollywood? Guess we'll have to wait for Step Brothers to find out. BYKW? (But, you know what?) It's all good, because Costco's going to sell this with Ricky Bobby and Kicking & Screaming in a Multi-Pak. Though, it would sell better with a fourth sports movie. Maybe just have a documentary disk on the three movies. There's your fourth disc, there's your 4-Pak.

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And now for the rest. At #6 it's the #1 children's fantasy adaptation pic, and it's Spiderwick. I can't keep up on all these. My kids are waiting for that Captain Underpants movie. Or a Reid Fleming Milkman movie. Either one will do.
At #7 it's the #1 Victorian Era drama, Boleyn Girl. All I know is, it's no Girl with the Pearl Earring. Nuff said.
At #8 it's the #1 non-Star Trek-related teleportation pic, Jumper. I just hope Liman didn't go for points on this one.
At #9 it's the #1 MTV dance drama of the week, Step Up 2. Is that the proper genre? Along with Stomp the Yard, Save the Last Dance, Honey, She's All That. Maybe Costco will shrink-wrap all of those together too.
And finally at #10 it's the #1 ... Indiana Jones clone, Fool's Gold. Is that the proper genre? Probably not. But it is for the entire family. The kids will enjoy the action, and the parents will enjoy how the two leads try to repair their broken relationship. And the grandparents can reminisce about all the other Donald Sutherland movies they've ever seen in their life. As for me, I'm going to wait for my girlfriend to check this one out, and find a nice fluffy pillow to rest me head for when I fall asleep within the first 3 reels. And on that note, nighty night to the rest of you!

Short Reviews - Feb. '08

Dang! Slow month! And I still haven't seen an ad for that Miley Cyrus debacle.


How she Move - Dayamn! Paramount Vantage's ramping up...

Feel the Noise - j.lo producer?

Witless Protection - Oh crap! Was that Eric Roberts?

charlie Bartlett - I said it before and I'll say it again: editors shouldn't direct. Also, if only Topher Grace was a little younger... Or maybe Minghella's kid. He must of auditioned for the part...

Semi-pro / jackie moon - looks like the budget went to film stock this time, right, Will? And finally, the rating is out. Hmm! Sticks with an R rating, instead of a watered down PG-13. Pretty balls-y move for Will Ferrell. Wonder what he's up to...

step up 2 - how did this keep from going directly to video?

The Other Boleyn Girl - Cat fight of the century ... whatever century it takes place in.

Never back down - Oscar for best lead actor: djimon hounsou? I think so!

(Meet) Bill - I still say Jessica Alba's doing way too many movies.

the love guru - oh crap...

10,000 BC - I know I should be excited about this, and yet...

Comanche Moon - Too late, it's already on dvd.

Darjeeling Ltd. - Boy! Between those three, still can't decide who wins the gold in the Schnozz-Olympics! But no matter who wins, this film should win this year's Nose-bel Prize.

Stop-loss - Brought to you by MTV Films... and I think I know which studio's going to clean up at next year's Oscars!...

Conversations With Other Women - Tim Burton's least favorite movie.

What? No Lightfoot?

All right, let's crank out a damn movie review here. Well, now I can see why they only submitted the Death Proof half of Grindhouse to the Cannes Film Festival, because unlike Rodriguez, Tarantino seems to have more of an old-fashioned appreciation for the framing of shots. And the added length here makes it a tome of anticipation on a par with Kill Bill Vol. 2, as we wait to see when Stuntman Mike's gonna strike.
It's kinda like one of those Stephen King short stories that gets expanded to feature length. Not to give too much away, this is simply the story of a ... oh, I hate to use the word psychopathic killer, but I guess that's the term. It's just tossed around so much these days it's lost all meaning! He's decided that he's past his prime and he can no longer have the women he lusts after, the way he used to as a young man, and so he must kill them instead. I guess Kurt had fun with the part. Hard to say, but as with Used Cars so long ago, here he does get a chance to look straight into the camera at one point. QT's still got a knack for dialogue, but careful, ladies! It's not all happy movie references. And I think they went a little overboard on the first car crash. For one, the repetition of it. If nothing else, the violence of it was certainly much more hi-tech than the films they purport to pay homage to. Good Lord!
I'm the wrong guy to review this, really. This is probably too much of a chick flick for me. Lots of female bonding going on here, and in a slight variation on Maureen Dowd's observation, the girls here get in touch with their inner lap dancer. Do the chicks out there identify with this?
All in all, a decent flick, probably the most minimalist thing QT's done, and effective in that sense. However, for me it shoots itself in the foot in the third act and breaks its thriller spell, and gets a little bit stupid, if I may be so bold. **SPOILER** I mean, why wait to use the gun if you're really in danger? They do reference the film Vanishing Point explicitly and implicitly, and try to keep it on the pedestal that some put it up upon, but unfortunately like that film it doesn't completely stave off the boredom of the open road. And maybe it's just me, but I think I've slaked my thirst on the sassy black women saying M.F. all the time. I'll get my groove back though, I promise.

***
so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Will Ferrell at #... STOP THE PRESSES!

Oh, it's backwards time this time. Def., Maybe at #10, Witherspoon's Winter 2008 project debuts at #9... not good. But at #8!!! Number Eight. It's been a while since I've seen anything like it. Well, maybe Little Miss Sunshine, but I don't care about that one. Number eight is the one I care about. It rises once again like a phoenix, and it's only eight days away from being released on video! (normally, a weird coincidence, but it just got bumped up from #9) Surely its (box office) numbers will drop off then! Well, except for all those people who don't buy movies on video, and who only need to see something this violent only once. And I'm talkin' about No Country for Old Men, my friends. And I hate to be one of these people beating the same drum over and over again, but it's back again, baby! It's making more money than it did upon its initial release! Just for that, I say they should keep it in theaters all year. At least until Burn After Reading gets released. And I and a lot of other people will know there's a conspiracy afoot if Emmanuel Lubezki gets the Oscar for this one. Well, he'll get it for not getting blood on the camera. So, here's my question: when is Spielberg gonna help these guys out? Cape Fear ring a bell? How about giving Woody Allen a lifetime pass at DreamWorks? No more help to go around? I don't think so! Maybe you could just put B.A.R. in 8000 theaters on its opening day? And maybe publicize it a little more than usual? Hell, it's got half the Ocean's 13 Rat Pack in it! That's gotta be worth something, no?

What else? Boleyn Girl debuts at #4. Which normally would seem like the country's literacy is slowly turning around. Or maybe it's just the Eye Candy factor. Does Natalie Portman still count as eye candy, too? I don't have my ear to the ground.

Close Enough

Oh, I'll just never get it done at this rate. But let's give it up for this week's triumph, Vantage Point. And let's hear it for the continuation of Dennis Quaid's second coming. NOW will you forgive John Lee Hancock? He's got the perfect vehicle for you... probably. Personally, I think the trailer gave away too much, but who cares. Gotta love that cast. I coulda sworn Amanda Peet was in it! That's it, she's out of the Soderbergh Rat Pack.
As for the rest of the box office this week, yawn. Spiderwick at #2, Jumper jumps down to 3, Step up 4 the streets, heh heh... and Fool's Gold will not go quietly into the night at #5.
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And now, the rest of you dregs. Let's face it, the local news is right to report only the top 5. You want the Top 50, go to Variety.com. I think they're getting a little less stingy about what they give away at their web site. D,M is assuredly at #6, r jENK at #7 but soon to be superseded by College Road Trip, Juno gets the SNL bump at #8; so close to 200 mill, guys! Eat that, Dewey Cox.
But folks! Every once in a while the little movie that could (TLMTC) breaks through, and I'm talkin' about Be Kind Rewind. Yes, as the curtain closes on the VCR age, it's a movie slightly behind the times, but a Kaufman-esque premise that's long overdue. Long live the 80s. What else ya got, Gondry? Human Nature part 2? Red Hot Chili Peppers music video retrospective? Gimme what ya got!

Oh, this just ain't right. It's already 2pm and the new tallies aren't out yet. ...There we go. Damn you, Ferrell!

And now, the OTHER Oscar pix...

Well, here's my reasoning. When you have something like the Oscars, I defy anyone to correctly pick all the winners. You should get at least two picks... no more than four. I'll stick with two this year: the regular, and my Coen-centric picks, for lack of a better term. Call me, guys! (boo hoo) Maybe I'm crazy, but I see just a friggin' Coen sweep this year. You know why? It was outta respect...


best pic: ncfom
best actor: viggo mortenson. (sorry, Clooney)
best actress: julie christie (or, ANYTHING BUT JUNO)
best supporting actor: chigurh! Hands down.
best supporting actress: atonement -saoirse ronan
bset director: coen
best writing: michael clayton
best writing (adapted) : coen
cinematography: coen
art direction: atonement
costume design: wolsky. Why? Because his name's Wolsky.
sound: ncfom
edit: ncfom
sound edit: ncfom
visual effects: golden compass (Dennis Gassner - Coen collaborator)
makeup: la mome, or ANYTHING BUT NORBIT
best song: enchanted - happy working song
score: atonement
short film, animated: moya lyubov
short film live action: les mozart des pick-pockets (Great title)
short doc: sari's mother (great title)
long doc: taxi to the dark side (great title)
foreign film: die falscher - austria
best animated feature: Ratatouille, but it's close.

Finally! My 2007 Oscar picks

Damn! Never enough time. Okay, foregoing the hyperlinks, I'm going to quickly hammer out my picks. I think I got all the categories, and I'm not even going to take a scoreboard with me this time. Just going to enjoy the ceremony this year at my friends' house.

Best pic: I'm giong with Atonement, but it was close. Either this or Michael Clayton, but I'm following my astrologer's advice, and the stars tell her that it's not 2005, Clooney's year.
Best actor: Daniel-Day Lewis. I'm going to take that on faith, as I haven't seen TWBB yet.
Best actress: Ellen Page. Why? Because Annette Bening or Julianne Moore weren't in contention this year.
Best supporting actor: Chigurh! Hands down.
Best supporting actress: Ruby Dee (american gangster). I mean, it's the only Oscar nominee that cleared the $100 million mark. Gotta give it something.
Best director: Coen. My astrologer also saw this one. I mean, Schnabel's done a respectable job and all, but this is about industry respect, too.
Best writing: Juno, as much as I hate to say it.
Best adapted writing: Coen.
Cinematography: Deakins, but for Robert Ford. Two reasons: sometimes the longest movie wins, and there are people still fuming about Barton Fink being a non-union movie.
Art direction: There will be blood. Less is more.
Costume design: Colleen Atwood. For what movie? Who cares?! It's Colleen Atwood!!
Sound: 3:10 to Yuma. Good stagecoach work.
Edit: Butterfly and the papillion. The editing's the thing on that one, kid.
Sound edit: Transformers (ethan van der ryn - he won for the Two Towers.)
Visual effects: Transformers. Why not?
Makeup: Anything but Norbit!!! Pirates of the caribbean, although that wasn't a rubber mask that Keith Richards was wearing.
Best song: August Rush, but it really should've gone to ... Once? What was that other movie about the joy of music.
Score: Atonement
Short film animated: madame tutli-putli
Short film live action: the tonto woman
Short doc: freeheld
Long doc: sicko, but they're holding their noses when they pulled the lever for that one. Right, Friedman? You bastard?!
Foreign film: kazakhstan - mongol. Piggybacking on Borat's success....
Best animated film: persepolis, but it's very very close

Gotta go! Anyone going to vegas? ;)

Step Up 2 Da Jump

Dang! Still gotta post my Oscar pix. I finally found one related image I wanted to use. Damn, it took me forever. Well, some people just never get organized. But before we get to that, another box office frog corpse to dissect. Jumper is at #1, as was expected. The demographics just made sense, and I can't be the only one pining for young Darth Vader. Surely that story ain't completely told yet, is it, Terry Brooks? Now all the critics complain that there's no story, and the big Jumper World Tour didn't put a smile on the critics, either. YKW? STILL #1, baby!
At #2 it's Spider Man! No, it's Charlotte's Web. You're both wrong! It's the Spiderwick Chronicles of Narnia! Well, if it's as visually interesting as Limmony Snicket, I'm sold! Careful, Freddie. You know who else played twins...

At #3 it's Step up 2 the Streets. Sneaky cheeky sequel, guys! Well, I didn't watch the Save the Last Dance franchise either, so lotsa luck. The selling point on this instant case is that Jay Lowe was one of the producers. Well, she must of started her own damn studio! I didn't see her name in the credits at all!! Only Erik Feig. Feig? Of the San Bernardino Feigs? Careful, Paul. You've got competish!

At #4 it's Fool's Gold. Don't care. BTDT. Moving on to #5... oh, Richard Curtis. Hard times for ye! It ain't the mid 90s anymore when 4 weddings & a Funeral was all that and a bag of chips. Back to Mr. Bean with you. Away, away!

#6 is Martin Lawrence's winter project. Stay tuned for his Spring Project: Wild Hogs 1 1/2.

#7 and #8 brings us Juno and Bucket List. Ho, hum. C'mon, TBL! You're 40 million behind! Catch up!

#9 is the Miley Cyrus thing, the Jewel of the IMAX Crown. I'll see it on ABC soon enough. Maybe Jimmy Kimmel will introduce it. And finally at #10 it's 27 Dresses. Nope, still don't care.

Sorry folks. I'm trying out this new medicine. Just a little cranky. Plus I'm still upset about In Bruges not placing this week. Strange Wilderness, not so much. heh heh...