Last-Minute Oscar Pic(k)s

All right, let's get this over with. We've got about 3 hours before the damn thing starts. What new features are they going to have this year to speed up the process? A live blog where the winners get to say everything they wanted to? Some kind of assembly line? Let's face it, folks: America's at the bottom of the list of countries that have the most fun. I say, if it takes 5 hours, let it take 5 hours! We gotta compete with Otro Rollo sometime!

So, what do we have left? Well, before I saw The Departed I was predicting a Scorsese sweep, and I don't think I heard any critic badmouth the movie. And then, I saw it on DVD. Sigh. Well, my close confidant was really down on it, more so than me, lumping it in with other Scorsese disasterpieces like New York, New York and Gangs of New York. Those are the big two. I'm a little more positive, and I say at least Gangs of New York had some production value and got out of that ballroom once in a while. Costco has also responded to a changing marketplace; the latest Scorsese 4-DVD collection features GoodFellas, The Aviator, The Departed and Mean Streets. Well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad. The previous one had New York, New York in it; I can't remember what else.

Time once again for the heading: What makes a bad movie bad? My confidant called The Departed a GoodFellas remake, but with the Joker from Batman, which I find an apt description. You know, reliving the glory days of Witches of Eastwick as the ultra-cool ladies man, 3 ladies at a time. And why not? With a re-locale to the mean streets of Boston this time. A little more parking on the streets out there, I guess. And somehow it's more profane than even GoodFellas was. The difference is that GoodFellas' language was less misogynistic. (not as much domestic violence in The Departed.)

At times the movie seemed like its own trailer, as plot developments were being crammed down our throats. And yes, that's a bad thing. If you had to pick from the Internet or cellphones, to decide which technological development is more likely to destroy movies, after watching The Departed I'd say cellphones. Remember Cellular? At least they didn't spend all kind of time sitting quietly in front of a laptop like in Assassins. What was that all about?

(spoiler alert) Also, I guess I was the only one who remembered this, but the ending reminded me of The World According to Garp, which ends with everyone getting shot. Original at the time, but what price originality, I say? So in summation, there is no Dances with Wolves this time to take away from Scorsese's Oscar gold, nor was he backed by one or more Weinsteins this go-round, so he's a shoe-in for an Oscar this time. But who knows, maybe the Academy will still shy away from rewarding extreme movie violence and give it to Babel instead. Better make The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt the best thing you've ever made, Marty.

** 1/2 stars; so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

---

Now, on to the rest of these damn Oscars. Best picture; I'd like to say Babel, as Jon Kilik once worked with the Coens and he'll finally get some gold, but I'm going to say The Queen, because isn't it time to reward some class?

Best actor, well, Peter O'Toole got that one award at the Oscars a while back and he got to make a speech, so I'm going to give it to Forest Whitaker, but really, the Academy'll be voting for Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Best Lead Actress; well, Taylor, I'll go along with everyone else and say Helen Mirren. Still, is there a slight chance Cruz could pull out a last-minute victory? If so, it's only because the Academy loved her so much in Woman on Top.

Best Supporting Actress: Scandal, indeed! How could Blanchett get nominated for Notes on a Scandal and not Babel? Or The Good German? Well, like Clooney once said, either way she'd lose. I'm going with Abigail Breslin, because I'm not ready to never hear the end of another accolade for American Idol. Look out, Anna Paquin and Keisha Castle Hughes, you've all been bested!

Best Direction; I'll go with another longshot and say Paul Greengrass for United 93. Why not. Wouldn't that be funny if I turned out to be right? :)

Best Cinematography; despite my prediction of a Pan sweep, I'm going against the grain here. It's a contentious field by men with their best work behind them. I'm sure Vilmos is tired of being known for CE3K. I'm going to say the two magic pics will split the vote, and Children of Men will get it, but only because the Academy really wanted to vote for 12 Monkeys.

Art Direction: Lots of set decorators nominated this year! I never noticed or cared about that before. Well, I was going to say Dreamgirls so that Coen co-conspirator Nancy Haigh could get some Oscar gold, but looks like it's going to that former Coen co-conspirator Rick Heinrichs, who's left them far behind and enjoyed greater success with Tim Burton and the pirates. Godspeed, Heinrichs, ya Kraut!

Best Costume: Normally, I'd say the winner's Colleen Atwood but she's surprisingly absent this year. There are, however, five very costume-oriented nominees this year. I was going to predict Dreamgirls, but The Devil wears Prada was number 1 with 27 million dollars. Gotta go with Prada, because Prada does work in mysterious ways.

Editing: Well, Schoonmaker's already got Oscar gold in the bag, so she's out. Gonna have to go with Stephen Mirrione, because Babel is the best Traffic-esque film he's won for since, well, Traffic! Need more be said? I submit that more need not!

Best original song: Melissa Etheridge, snowball in hell's chance. That leaves 3 from Dreamgirls and one from Cars. Now, normally I'd pick a Dreamgirls song due to that whole... what do you call that theory? You throw enough glue against the wall, and some of it is bound to stick. What do you call that theory? Also, Randy Newman already won for Monsters, Inc., but Cars did make more money than Dreamgirls so I'm going with Cars. I mean, seeing as how he put such a great effort into his last Oscar speech, who wouldn't want to hear him get another one? Of course, everyone will really be voting for Randy's song, Political Science, which he performed most recently on The Colbert Report. Lotta Colbert-heads out there in the voting Academy.

Best original score: Well, no John Williams or Danny Elfman this year, that's all I need to know. And I don't think we need another Newman to hog all the awards, thank you very much. Gonna go with Philip Glass for Notes on a Scandal, even though it's really a vote for The Thin Blue Line.

Best short documentary: I'm predicting what always wins: the documentary with a colon in the title, and this year it's Two Hands: The Leon Fleisher Story.

Best foreign language film of the year: It's Pan's Labyrinth, and they're just lucky that Babel wasn't in this category! :)

And then of course, there's the nerd oscars. I couldn't believe it, an award actually goes to a camera this time (Arriflex; look on eBay, you'll find one...) and not just George Lucas's latest software bundle. A clear victory for the neo-Luddites. Host Maggie Gyllenhaal? I thought they usually went with Esquire's Woman of the Year, which would've been Scarlett Johansson. Maybe Esquire should stop robbing the cradle for a while.

While they can't give an oscar to Al Gore, twelve hippie types won for ... "For their contributions to the environmentally responsible industry conversion from silver-based to cyan dye analog soundtracks. " Okay, but, some are going to say it's the Beginning of the End! Not me, of course.

And finally, another Lucas protegé Richard Edlund gets the Army's Medal of Commendation ... wait, that's an Oscar? Hmm! Never heard of that. He's getting it this year because The Judas Project is making a comeback in popularity, and last month it finally broke even! It's all profits from now on, baby. It was all worth it.

Man, these Oscars have worn me out. But sometimes you gotta do these things, and if you're in the biz of reviewing movies there's almost nothing more important than your opinion on who's gonna win. And so there you have it. I think the second most important thing is knowing what movie you'd take with you to a deserted island, because that's still the cartoonists' scenario, isn't it? Picture it: you're trapped on a deserted island with only five feet of sand around you and the one palm tree to lean up against. Now, assuming it's not the back of some large submerged turtle, what one movie would you want to have with you that you would watch til the end of time, which would only be a couple years given the current rate of ice cap meltage; again, assuming it's not a ginat turtle that could float with the rising tide. I've given this a lot of thought, and the movie I would of course want is Cast Away. Duh! I'm outta here, you bastards. :)

hello pvoogttkdedllcrmkaen

And now, another MRH exclusive: it's time for the Maxim Magazine review of Dr. Strangelove:

Yeah, it's a classic and all, but here's my two points: 1) I don't like black and white movies, and 2) I'm still trying to figure out this one plot point. At the beginning of the film, George C. Scott has a choice: leave and go start World War 3, or stay and have hot sex with his hotter secretary, and he chooses World War 3? Is he gay? If that's the way it's going to be, maybe humanity deserves to die in a thermonuclear holocaust.

Okay, on to the box office tallies. I guess Ghost Rider's no surprise; I just wonder what percentage of that 52 million total was spent on advertising... 50 percent? 60? Meanwhile, Bridge to Terabithia is yet another one of those complete surprises coming out of some left field I'm obviously not in touch with.. What is it? Nickelodeon? You Tube? My Space? Someday I shall find out!

Meantime, Norbit still spins strong, this time at #3, and unlike Stomp the Yard it's managed to stay out of the IMDb's Bottom 100, which is more than I can say for... Pluto Nash? Does Murphy have a film in the bottom 100? Well, if Best Defense doesn't qualify, nothing will!

Number 4 brings us Music and Lyrics, and so romance lives on another day. Which brings us to Daddy's Little Girls... uh, excuse me! Shouldn't that be Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls? Must've been a Wednesday release. Don't despair, Tyler, you'll get to #1 again. You may just have to settle for another Madea project to do it, but we can't pick our fate, now, can we?

Meanwhile, Breach debuts at #6. Oh sure, they thought the one-word title movies would reign forever. There will be quite a spate of them throughout the year, but with titles like Ghost Rider and Terabithia, you can't help but think maybe you should've had another word in the title. Oh well. C'est la vie. Maybe we'll remember you for next year's oscars, maybe not...

Hannibal still falling at #7. Does this still mean we'll see Anthony Hopkins at some point in Hannibal 5? Why not? I just found out Shrek 4 is in the works.. Stranger things have happened.

Because I said so's magic must be wearing off, because now it's at #8. I don't think they said for it to do THAT!

Night at the Museum is having that proverbial cigarette in bed at #9 with almost 250 million in the bag. Fockers 3, Madagascar 2, here we come!

And finally, horror is just barely not dead at the box office this week with The Messengers at #10. Apparently, the tag line of the film is as follows: "There is evidence to suggest that children are highly susceptible to paranormal phenomena. They see what adults cannot. They believe what adults deny. And they are trying to warn us. " Uh, ever heard of The Sixth Sense? Duh! Of course, Haley Joel didn't really have much to warn us about, but I swear he spent that whole movie with his feet in a bucket of ice water. I swear it. But he's a true Southern gentlemen, because he's not one to Soak and Tell.

Well, that's it for the box office totals this week. If you need more information, check out the latest issue of Daily Variety, where you can read the Top 50 of the week! Oh sure, it's interesting and educational and all, at least at first, but once you get to about #25 on the list, well, it gets downright depressing by that point. Almost as depressing as, say, the saga of Zyzzyx Road.

Charlie Murphy! ()

Here's a tribute to the real star of this week's Box Office, Charlie Q. Murphy, one of the co-screenwriters of this week's #1 hit, Norbit, and who plays Taxi Driver in Night at the Museum, the #1 cumulative total on this week's box office, hands down. Happy-ness came close to 200 million, but didn't make it. Probably could've used some of that Charlie Murphy magic!

Anyway, I'm back, baby! Got a new computer and everything, but it'll still take a long time to enter in all those hyperlinks. Still gotta roll pizza dough by hand. Also, I don't know if I like wireless keyboards and mouse, but oh well. I've lucked out so far by not having dueling remote controls with my flamboyant neighbors yet.

Oh but enough about me. Let's get into it. At #10 it's The Queen, which they're calling the Best Reviewed Movie of the year, whatever that means. All I know is the Oscar gap broke up Alec and Kim. I hate to see that happen to Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford.

Dangerously close to 100 million, a first for Bill Condon, it's Dreamgirls at #9. It's sure to win something at this year's Academy Awards, probably one for Song. Nuff said.

And one that probably will win for everything BUT song, it's Pan's Labyrinth at #8. I saw it; not bad. A little more like Hellboy than I'm sure the critics would care to admit. What I want to know is, who's the genius that could've gone with Faun's Labyrinth, but changed the name to Pan's Labyrinth for us American rubes? And are they getting windfall profits from that piece of marketing genius? Preferably in the form of T-Shirt royalties? Just wondering.

Smokin' Aces at #7. Yawn. Does this mean a re-configuration on the show Entourage? I thnk so!!!

Epic Movie at #6. Must be the re-fall of Taj. But I tell you what, at least that Harold and Kumar sequel got green-lit which is more than I can say for Dude, Where's my car 2.

-----

And now, we're closer to the Godly light as we enter the more exclusive hall of the Top 5, rounded out by that unstoppable mammoth, Night at the Museum, which should be gone in time for that Reno 911 movie. No double dipping, guys! Don't be greedy.

The Messengers at #4, or as it's known in the biz, Sam Raimi Tax Write-Off.

Because I Said So is kicking ass and taking names at #3. Why? Because they said so. Boo-yah! And it's also a major victory for that nerdy villain from Brewster's Millions who almost ruined that movie...

Hannibal Rising at #2, but unfortunately it probably won't rise any higher than #2. I just hope there's no corny ending like in Red Dragon where they tie the two movies together..

And finally, proving he's still the king of the Box Office, it's Norbit, the movie that was shot into orbit by a vigorous ad campaign and easily dominated this week, raking in 20 million more than that bastard Hannibal. Who to chalk it up to a greater victory for: Sandler-esque cinema, or the new wave of FUBU cross-dressers, like Big Momma and Tyler Perry, who by the way, his Daddy's Little Girls is coming out soon, and is sure to make hay of Norbit, so watch that hotfoot, Norbit! Me myself, I always kinda liked when Tracy Morgan would do Star Jones on SNL or what's her name, Estelle Parsons? Reminded me of Terry Jones in drag somehow, as in he was one of the best I'd ever seen. Well, second to Dame Edna, but I digress. Congrats, Norbit!

...Della Reese! That's who I was thinking of. Sorry, forgot to take my gingko biloba today. See, if you forget to take it, your memory won't be bolstered, and you'll be totally buggered; kinduva Catch 31. Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Stay tuned for more updates, and remember, it's STILL just a flashlight!

Ever have one of those days?

Well, if I don't get to this now I never will. Just made the big Google change-over; that is, they finally made it easy enough. I didn't get that confirmation e-mail last time. But anyway! No word on Colbert yet, either. sigh...

The box office. Not quite Valentine's Day yet, but Mandy Moore's already making an impact. She's kinda cute, but she got a little catty on that one mag cover she's doing this month. Why do you gotta go after Nicole Richie like that?

But at #10 this week, The Queen's still got it. She can do it all, except bring Di and Dodi back. Happyness is at #9, damn close to 200 million domestic. Guess it'll have to do it overseas. C'mon, corporations! Shell up.

Pan's Lab at #8. Only 21 mill total, but hey. Even The Shining didn't do so well when it first come out, but look at it now! It's a classic, and more importantly, they spoofed it on The Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Dreamgirls edges closer and closer to 100 million, which improves Eddie Murphy's Oscar chances. However, two weeks ago we reported that Bill Condon was interested in working again with Murphy on C-I-L-L My Landlord: The Motion Picture, but unfortunately Eddie backed out. He reportedly backed out when Condon showed him some 2nd unit work already done of prison sequences, which apparently made American History X look like Pippi Longstocking. Oh well. C'est la guerre. Onward to Shrek 3!

Stomp the Yard keeps on a'stompin' at #6, followed by Smokin' Aces at 5. Viva Poker!

Night at the Museum crosses the 225 million dollar mark at #4. Damn, this movie is like, it's own mint!

Epic Movie hangs in there at #3, and finally!!! We get to Because I Said So, which once again proves I haven't got my fingers on the Box Office pulse, but I do know that Norbit's going through the roof. I don't know where they advertized, but they did it! Big #2! Diane Keaton's STILL Back, baby! With this, and The Family Stone, she's proven F. Scott Fitzgerald's famous assertion wrong, that there are no 2nd acts in American lives.

I just realizehile Norton AINg! - I mean, I just realized: I HATE doing this while McAfee's running! I gotta go...

Hey, Colbert! Check & Mate!

The cover of the most latest Newsweek has Paris Hilton looking slightly different, with her arm around Britney Spears. While I was trying to figure out who's the more degraded of the two I noticed some of the words on the cover, and their main point was of what they call 'The Girls Gone Wild Effect'. Oh, sure, it's a sign of the internet's lowering our cultural bar, but I still say it's better than the CSI Effect some have talked about, which means making a smarter, more thorough criminal element, which I think is what we don't want.
And speaking of astronaut diapers, I am forced to bring the hammer down on Mr. Colbert once again. First it was for fathering Mary Cheney's baby, but I guess it all worked out because they've made a Letterman-esque marriage arrangement. And besides, like Harry Whittington, it doesn't really affect anyone's lives. But now he's really gone too far. By not recusing himself from attacking Cartoon Network and Aqua Teen Hunger Force, he's crossed too many moral and ethical boundaries to count, not to mention biting the large corporate hand at whose pleasure he serves. Does Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law ring a bell? Guilty by association! Just ask Keith Crofford, a low-level producer of both shows. Guilty further by the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Law.
Well, there you have it, Colbert lovers. I don't know how much more proof you need. This is your beloved crusader against Big Hollywood. Nothing but a rank-and-file voice over artist! Are you not outraged? And I haven't even gotten into Ace and Gary yet. Now, I'm from the old, old school that says that acting is a form of witchcraft, but there are plenty out there who are suspicious of an actor man who 'pretends' to be a gay character. The South, mostly, but there are some of us in the North as well. So how about it, Stephen? If that's your real name... Isn't it time to face the judge and jury at long last? Care to explain yourself on at least one of my points? The clock is ticking, and the ball is in your court... :(

Time for more Oscar picks, but first ...

The Oscar clock keeps ticking away as my deliberations continue, but every once in a while there's regular news to take a look at, and seeing as how it's an issue that needs urgent addressing I'm going to take it off the back burner here and now. As you all know, there has been much buzz about my old column run years ago under the heading of "Who's Your Daddy?" and at that time I may have been the first blog to speculate about the father of Melissa Etheridge's child as either David Crosby or Pee-Wee Herman. I was at least in the top 3; it was a 3-way tie between Daily Kos and that fat Drudge bastid. Well, here I go making web history again: this time I will be the first blog to speculate as to the father of Mary Cheney's future child, and my inside-the-beltway sources tell me the now famous right-wing demagogue Stephen Colbert is indeed the father. Now, it begs the million dollar question: did she actually purchase Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, or was it a promotional gift? The only way we can find out is to appeal to the source himself, and a man of Colbert's caliber has not one, but two big websites devoted to himself: colbertnation.com, and the Comedy Central official site. Hard to say which site the man pays more attention to, so we're just going to have to make some noise at both of them. The time to act is now, people! And Mr. Colbert, if you're reading this, isn't it time you came clean with the American people on this? At long last, sir, have you the balls? Are you going to do the right thing and marry Ms. Cheney? That baby's not going to raise itself by its teeny, teeny bootstraps, sir!
All right, moving on. We've got a lot of Oscars to predict, so it's time for Round two of my predictions. (page Down for Round One...) I predict that Sherry Lansing WILL be present to receive this year's Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, because this year she's shown as much courage as Dr. Christian ever did. Ennio Morricone will also be present to receive his honorary award. The Academy will try and try in vain to convince the world that it's for the score to S.N.A.K., but really, we all know it's for the recent digital remastering of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, thanks again to a robust web-based ballot box stuffing.
For the short films, I'll pick 'em the way the Academy voters do: they go with the most Oscar-sounding title. For Live Action, it's Binta and the Great Idea. Animated, it's down to The Little Matchgirl and No Time for Nuts. It's been a contentious battle, but I think the current wave of anti-Chaplin sentiment in Hollywood will eventually be overlooked and The Little Matchgirl will win out, so that's who gets the statuette.
Sound mixing and editing, the same cabal of PTC2 nerds will plunder this category.
Best Supporting Actor? Well, it's a tough field this year and there are five very deserving nominees, but I'm going with the underdog because everybody loves an underdog story, and there is no bigger underdog than that shrimpy dude from Breaking Away! Why, I can see all the other bicyclists passing him now as it plays on the DVD player in my mind. The gold goes to Jackie Earle Haley.
Adapted screenplay: I don't think the Oscars are ready for a comedy to win, and especially not Borat since it would mean five statuettes, and of course more films like Borat, and even I don't think I'm ready for that. Same goes for Children with Men. In calling it, I'd better lay my cards on the table: here's hoping for that Departed sweep. The Departed takes the gold.
And last but not least tonight, Original Screenplay. Well, off the top I know who I DON'T want to win. Sorry to shout, but I feel strongly about this. Paul Haggis, hasn't he been accoladed to death yet? And that's just for L.A. Law and Due South. I love that show. I remember the time Leslie Nielsen was on there, being his own funny-ass self. Anyway, I also don't want Little Miss Sunshine to win. I don't know why. I think it's just too perfect and it'll set a bad precedent like Borat. I don't want The Queen to win, because we all know Helen Mirren's going to win for acting anyway. Can't have it both ways. That leaves Babel and Pan's Labyrinth in a Battle-Royale of the Buzz. Incidentally, why wasn't Battle Royale nominated for anything? A glaring omission on the Oscar's part, I think, especially given the popularity of poker, and swing music's second comeback since 1998. Oh well. Anyway, I'm also predicting a Labyrinth sweep. Two sweeps in one year! How lucky can one guy get? Labyrinth takes all its noms, including this one. Eat it, Brothers Grimm!
Okay, I gotta go but stay tuned for more Oscar pics. Boy, you should see my computer monitor! All the letters and underlines are slipping. Guess my computer forgot to take its meds. Peace out. :)

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next screensaver

This image seem familiar? If so, you're clearly an '80s music nut! Okay, time for Pop Music SATs: Just as Songs from the Big Chair is considered Tears for Fears' first album, so is the status of The Raw & The Cooked from the Fine Young Cannibals (get it?). Albeit they did have that Tears for Fears 3-album set ever so briefly; I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to buy it. Besides, I'm tired of buying stuff all the time. The whole Costco culture, snap it up right now as it comes out. Can't afford to keep up, and yet, can't afford not to keep up.
But I digress. It's time to review another album because I do albums too, for what that's worth. Now I know it's not cool these days to admit to liking any songs, but I must say that The Raw and The Cooked is much more than just the original delivery device of FYC's hit that they'll eternally be remembered for: She Drives Me Crazy. There's something about the ultra-simplistic lyrics, sorta reminiscent of George Harrison's lyrics in his later solo work, and all those pseudo-dance beats; there is an ANSI-standard club dance beat that most songs adhere to these days, and track 8, Don't Let It Get You Down comes closest to it. About a third of the album is a love letter to 50s music, and is featured in the soundtrack to Barry Levinson's film Tin Men, a soundtrack that is way too cluttered with pop hits. I saw part of it when it originally came out on home video - this was when Levinson's camera style was first taking off; how to describe it? Neo-home movies style? Something like that. Finally! 2nd Unit work was getting the attention it deserved. A lot of down time in between the major plot points.
What to say about it, really? There's something about Roland Gift's vocals that remind me of Eric Roberts, but in a good way. Hard to say what songs I like best, but this album is now the one I must play constantly on my computer for the next couple months. I think I like "It's OK (It's Alright)" probably the best. "Don't Let it Get You Down" and "She Drives Me Crazy" are of course a slap in the face to Prince's "Kiss". I mentioned before that the lyrics are ultra-simplistic. Not necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps efficient is a better way to describe them; Ernest Hemingway would appreciate them. There's the part in 'Don't Let it Get You Down' that goes "There's a club / I can't get in ... it's my skin / they don't like." I feel for ya, brutha. I used to identify with "I'm not the man I used to be" when I was in high school! What's that all about? Gotta like "I'm not satisfied"; it's probably the best example of that Eric Roberts vibe I mentioned earlier. "Tell me what" is their most straightforward 50s homage. Good backup vocals. "Don't look back" is my least favourite of the tracks; interesting music video, though. I think they filmed it the same day they did the "She drives me crazy" video, but with the whole out-of-focus motif. "As Hard as it is" is the other 50s homage, but no one ever sang like that back then, I tell you what. And finally, "Ever fallen in love" could easily be converted by Eiffel 65 and made into the latest rave at the rave, I swear it.
Well, guess that's about all I can say about that. I gotta go, got an album to listen to some more. :)

Ever have one of those days?

Which brings us to the weekly Box Office Report. Not much new to report yet. We've still got Ghost Rider and Hannibal 4 coming up. Meantime, Epic Movie rocked and awed the top spot this week, as partially expected. It's clearly vindication for Date Movie, as well as Spy Hard. Every other genre they haven't yet tackled, watch your ass!

Smokin' Aces at #2, followed closely by Night at the Museum and Stomp the Yard. But at #5 this week, it's the debut of Catch and Release, and it's the real breakthrough of triple threat Susannah Grant. Great name, too. This is finally her chance to tell the greatest story ever told: her autobiography! With Jennifer Garner as her, although I personally would've gone with Hilary Swank myself. Or maybe Jessica Simpson. I'm still waiting for the movie that pits Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino together in the same scene as dueling movie nerds.

Padding out the 6 to 10 slots, we have Dreamgirls, Happy-ness, Labyrinth, and the Queen. The Hitcher is just barely clinging to the side of the bowl at #10, but don't worry and fret about it, because the President, producer of the original, is going to declare a national Go See The New Hitcher Day, and he's going to try to make it coincide with some important announcement by Nancy Pelosi.

Apologies to my loyal fan base in advance, yes it's not my usual thorough breakdown I save til Friday, but I was planning on starting my vacation early this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

p.s. The director of the original Hitcher also did this Jesse Stone thing, uniting the original cast of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Tom Selleck as Indy and Sean Young as Marion. Take that, Spiel-y!

An MRH WORLD Exclusive!!!!!!

And it seems there's nobody left for tennis, and I'm a one-blog man. Which brings me to today's emergency blog entry (EBE? Is that worth anything, National ANSI Acronym Guild? (NAAG, or NAANSIAG) ) You know, the term "pseudo-documentary" is thrown around all too often these days, most often in association with Michael Moore. The same could very well be said (by me) about Howard Stern: Shut Up and Listen. In general, after starting strong it comes off as a bit of a paean to Howard... what does that word mean, anyway? ... okay, got the dictionary here. 1. in ancient Greece, a hymn of thanksgiving to the gods, esp. to Apollo ... Close enough. Howard reminds me a bit of David Lee Roth who, in his music videos, surrounded himself with a gallery of Grotesques designed to make him look good on the one hand, and plenty of babes on the other, typically of the L.A. beach varietal. It's an ancient bi-fecta that probably shows up in nature.
Also, at one point in the doc the interviewers are talking to a dude on a mo-ped who sums up Howard's radio show perfectly for me, saying it's a "boring, endless conversation that goes nowhere." We see the guy drive off, then a guy behind the documentarians says "You want to talk about Howard? I love Howard!" and the relieved documentarians say "Oh, thank God." To be a good documentary, and more importantly, not be a pseudo-doc, it's important to maintain a certain ... stand-off-ishness, to show no bias, especially on screen.
But, most importantly, here's the world exclusive, not necessarily the documentarian's fault. This video still is from the doc, and looky look, kids! It's none other than South Park's front man Trey Parker! Here he's doing a character, of course, one of the effeminate adults on the South Park show. Kinduva brunette Marilyn Monroe kind of a vibe who overly uses the word 'poignant' to describe poor ol' put-upon Howard Stern. Unfortunately, Mr. Parker was constrained to using irony to describe his true feelings for Mr. Stern: if you look online somewhere there is a quote of condemnation from the South Park camp, calling Mr. Stern's humor vulgar and offensive; in short, just like South Park. Hmmm... lost the link to it. Okay, found it. I should've searched ' "trey parker" howard stern ' instead of ' howard stern "south park" '. Lesson learned. Also, I guess Kevin Smith was friends with Howard, at least until Howard pointed out to Kevin that Jersey Girl was a critical and commercial failure. Good for you, Howard. But don't you understand? He made Clerks 2 just for you! Love, don't hate.

Oh, but I got off track again, didn't I? As elusive as consciousness itself is, we can all at least agree on the fact that Howard Stern, as the pseudo-doc itself says, has made "millions of friends, millions of enemies, and (most importantly - my editorializing :) ) millions of dollars." I just wonder if his $100 million move to satellite radio lost him some fans. After all, even Prince went into a kind of semi-exile after word of his 7-album, 100 million dollar contract got out. And I must give a brief shout-out to documentarian James Riffel. Keep up the good work, sir! And watch your ass, Ken Burns, because in the great Decathlon in which all filmmakers of every stripe are running today, this guy's liable to sneak up behind you with the Olympic torch and singe it for you, and get Digital Domain to put it all on film.

p.s. Michael Moore hates America? If I were him, I'd sue! I'd never agree to that! Say it isn't so, Ian...

Short Road to the Oscars

Folks, award season is once again upon us, and in particular the Oscars are just closing in as we speak. They're scheduled for February 25th which will give everyone plenty of time to finish their taxes. The only real question left to resolve is, of course, will I correctly predict any winners? Hey, it's my blog, give me a little room for ego here, huh? Besides, that's what I plan to do, barring any unforeseen circumstances... which reminds me, I gotta get my laundry. Hold on...
Alright, took care of that. Well, I can't resist a corny segué so let's dive right into my Oscar laundry list. Well, first of all I know what's going to win for Best Animated Feature, and that would be Cars, and I'm not just basing it off of DVD sales, unlike the Academy. No, it's my man John Lasseter because how could he be happy with just his one Special Achievement Oscar for Toy Story? Feels like a whole century ago! We're already up to TS3. Time for some fresh acknowledgement. It'll be the perfect opportunity to plug Pixar as a workplace, and a chance to throw in a seemingly random plug for what he will undoubtedly call the "underrated" Goodbye Lover. Suck on that, Monster House!

For Visual Effects, the field seems kinda thin. Just Poseidon and Superman Returns, a coupla remakes, basically. But Pirates 2, man! It's the only one of these I saw in the theater, and I must say it's the only one that had the hearts and minds of the people, baby! And some very creative pirates, I must add. Some of the craziest damn things I've seen in a long while. Gotta give it to P2.

For Best Makeup, it'll probably go to Pan's Labyrinth. In fact, Pan's Labyrinth will probably sweep all the awards it's nominated for, but I'm giving it to Click anyway. Lemme tell ya something, if Click wins, it'll probably piss off the most people. So many heads held in hands, shaking in disbelief. I'd buy that for a dollar!

Man, this is tough! Requires a great deal of deliberation, more than I'm prepared to do right now, now that it's my bedtime. Well past, as usual. But I do it all for you, my loyal reader! I'll do one more. Best Documentary Feature? Let me do it this way: "Deliver Us From Evil" - no. "Iraq in Fragments" - should win, but probably won't. "An Inconvenient Truth" - should win, but has about as good a chance as Brokeback Mountain. So it's down to "Jesus Camp" and "My Country, My Country". While My Country x 2 has a great Oscar-sounding title, Jesus Camp generated a little more buzz, especially with the Daily Show crowd... my crowd. I'm assuming the latter will triumph, and for just that reason. Goin' with J.C.

So much farther to go, but you gotta take these kinds of things slow, right? Right. And so good night, and happy blogging. I'm just so glad that the internet's open 24 hrs. a day, just like New York City.

Stompin' at the Boneyard (box offi... too late!)

See that dude to my left? That's my man there. That's Spike Lee, man! Mars Blackmon, if you must. It's Spike in his greatest cinematic triumph ever, in the single greatest scene ever, and he's kickin' it older than old school, doin' the ol' Lindy hop with Malcolm X. Greatest film ever made, man. Actually, in my book it comes a close second to She Hate Me, but close enough.

Which brings us in a roundabout sorta way to the Box Office this week. (Yessir, those English 101 classes paid off big time with the segue stuff!) At #1 it's Stomp the Yard, which once again proves I don't have my finger on the nation's pulse. Who pushed it harder, MTV or myspace.com? Whoever did was obviously advertising to a large group of ingrates. Bottom 100 already? Really? Worse than From Justin to Kelly? Or Santa with Muscles? I say we give it some time. Time to settle. You know in the old days of the IMDb bottom 100 it used to be that Eegah! and Manos were squarely near the bottom, with Troll 2 in tow. Now anybody can just sorta wedge their way into it, like Material Girls or even Paris Hilton. Just remember, folks! Ghosts can't do it.

Number two brings us NATM which is Ben Stiller's latest 200 million blockbuster. Sadly, or not sadly enough, Mickey Rooney hasn't used it as an excuse to hit the talk show circuit. Maybe he could fill in for Uncle whozit on Jimmy Kimmel's show.

In third place is Bill Condon's least gratuitious pic yet, Dreamgirls. Word is that Eddie Murphy had such a good time on the set, combined with the fact that it's doing better than Pluto Nash, Condon is in talks to do Murphy's next pic: a feature length version of his SNL sketch "C-I-L-L my landlord..." I better subscribe to Variety on that one.

Following in fourth is The Hitcher, and I think the less said about that, the better. For shame, Boromir. For shame. ...I'm surprised! I thought for sure it would be in the Bottom 100 by now, too! Go figure.

In fifth this week, Happyness is oh so very close to the 200 mill mark. Maybe the theater owners will have pity and keep it in there for a couple more months til it makes it. Audiences are so fickle. This over Ali?

In sixth this week is Freedom Writers. Guess they should've called it Box Office Winner Writers. Then again, it is a bit of a mouthful at the ticket counter. Oh well. Can't win 'em all. Better go back to keeping the dream alive online, taking comfort in the bloggers who went to see it, and the fraction of those who liked it.

Pan's Labyrinth at #7, already at #100 in the IMDb Top 250. I say the latter's better for the long haul. And it's STILL not playing around here!!!

Children of Men is at #8 and it's also in the top 250. Next thing you know Del Toro will be directing an installment of Harry Potter.

The Queen is at #9, but who cares, Helen Mirren already cleaned up at the Golden Globes. Taylor's getting jealous, honey! He's gonna wanna direct you at some point, perhaps in a sequel to Against All Odds, I don't know. Which brings us to what rounds out the Top 10. Luc Besson's back, baby! And this time, he's toning down the Tarantino-esque violence for the grade school crowd. Being a Pixar into and of himself, he brings us Arthur and the Invisibles. Saw the trailer for it at Costco. Mia Farrow looks a little bit like she's in hell. The critics are ragging on it, to be sure. For example, Ebert's replacement this week criticized the film because of its blatant depiction of a Dubya-esque dictator. Hey, I'm liking this already! Yes, it's lamentable that we're going through such a period in cinema. Not since Nixon has a succession of presidents made such an imprint on the silver screen. Have we already forgotten The Day after Tomorrow? Fraid so. To be fair, they did cut out the subplot where the Dubya-esque dictator has an affair with a Karen Hughes-style mistress. Although I think they may have been coerced into making the cuts. Something about losing a passport, I don't know. Nevertheless, good work, Luc. You're back int he American Top 10 where you belong. Just as long as you don't make an American sequel to Taxi. I beg you, please!!!

Well that's it for me this week. And remember: thank god for the left nipple!

Short Reviews - January 2007

One thing about Stephen Colbert - after surviving a brush with the President, and a Democratic majority, even braving the Hellfires of Guitarmageddon, he sure is unflappable. And quite bounce-back-able. Hey, why should he have all the fun reinventing English? Freem?! I submit 'iconoclasticity' for his approval. Maybe just iconoclast-y. Anywho, I had to venture into O'Reilly territory. Man, is it like a whole other country. The Factor TV show somehow seems like he's doing his radio show, especially when he goes to commercial. Plus he has way more gimmicky structure to his show than The Colbert Report does. "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"... I love it. See, people don't realize it takes an awful lot of energy to argue as fast as O'Reilly does. Must be some combination of gingko biloba, spirulina, and giant yogurt enemas that keeps the bastid going. Sadly, he may never figure out why he's not popular with liberals. Kinda reminds me of me in middle school. But like most Repube-licanuses who consistently lose debates in public arenas, who cares anyway? They've got money to go home to!

And onward to the reviews...

Arthur and the Invisibles - The latest directorial effort from Luc Besson, apparently based on a kid's book he wrote. I wonder if he's happy with the adaptation?

Black Christmas - I guess I can appreciate the idea of the movie a little better than the movie itself. Is it out yet?

We Are Marshall - Aah yes! McG's oscar pic. Even he gets tired of the non-oscar pablem.

Fearless on DVD - Why do they insist on calling it Jet Li's last martial arts epic?

Narnia 4-disc edition - 4 Discs! Unheard of. Even more than the 10-disc edition of the Matrix trilogy: that's 3.3333 discs per movie. Outdone! And well done...

Courteney Cox's "Dirt" on FX - This time, they may have gone too far! Now I can't even remember why...

The Hitcher (2007) - a remake of a film that George W. Bush had a hand in producing! They girl'd up this remake, though - this time a guy gets drawn and quartered by two monster trucks! Wicked pissah...

What the fu-----(---(--+-=-k do I know? I'm sending all my money to Ramtha! Now, time for a little arbitrage...

Primeval - not primeval enough...

Shooter - Just change the president's schedule!!! He goes on vacation a lot these days, right?

Breach - you've done it again, Billy Ray!

The Kingdom - If it's not good enough for Michael Mann to direct, I don't want to see it.

Code Name: The Cleaner - Martin Lawrence is using up his every last favor in the biz to make sure this bombs. He's also got a Cedric the Entertainer voodoo doll just for good measure.

Freedom Writers - Blatant Oscar Bait... so why are they releasing it January 5th? It can't be considered until next year!

"Scrubs" - Way too cute. But maybe it'll resurrect Tara Reid's soiled reputation... that's a good thing, right?

Little Miss Sunshine - I approach it with trepidation. It's got everything a hot movie needs these days - good buzz, a decent cast, a clear color / design motif (yellow), and on top of it all a co-worker of mine can claim about 4 degrees of separation from one of the co-directors. You just can't buy that kind of publicity!

Epic Movie - If ZAZ isn't involved, I don't wanna know about it...

Stomp the Yard - My Gaydar just went off... And I've seem 'em all: You Got Served, Honey, even Only the Strong didn't set it off.

No Country for Old Men - Seriously, the only movie I'm waiting for. Oh sure I might go to the theaters a couple times this year, but this is all I'm waiting for. And I hope it's not like Pan's Labyrinth and playing at the selectest of the select cities. This is Seattle we're talking about, for Christ's sake! I await any updates... so far, my best shot is going to Australia on or after June 7, 2007 to see this puppy. Real bonzer, mate!

Well, that and The Simpsons Movie. The only two I'm waiting for this year.

Letters from Iwo Jima - It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Breaking and Entering - I know how this casting deal was brokered! This is from when Sean Penn called Jude Law "one of our finest actors"! Right?

Army of One / Joshua Tree - Beat the army by 13 years... I don't know what coven of hippie liberals made you change your name to Joshua Tree, but you'll always be Army of One to me.

Hannibal Rising - That gives Conan O'Brien an idea! Something like... Baby Hannibal... and Robert Smigel will do Fetal Hannibal, of course...

Venice / Venice - You mean you're going to go to all the trouble to seek out this movie, and you're going to skip over the special director's introduction? You philistines! As narcissistic as Jaglom is, even he had to be a little starstruck with Duchovny...

Babyfever - This is truly the most terrifying horror pic I've ever seen: Eric Roberts saying he wants to have a baby!

Sitting Ducks - I can't believe it! Jaglom and plot actually together for once in the same movie!

Johnny Guitar - The IMDb doesn't have it yet, but Johnny Guitar shoots a gun the way Sundance did at the beginning of his movie. Kewl! On the down side, Joan Crawford always has that same look on her face...

Norbit - Charlie Murphy gets a second screenplay chance...

Soup to Nuts - I don't know if I'd call it Rube Goldberg's Masterpiece, more like his Manifesto One can't help but think, yeah, that sounds like something he'd come up with...

Isn't that enough for you people?! :)

Short Reviews - December

Not a big fan of South Park, and just saw a little bit that reaffirmed my opinion. I will say the Crank Prank Timephone episode was almost Simpsons-quality stuff, but usually it's like the Smug episode. George Clooney's Oscar acceptance speech for Syriana appears in cloud form. The episode itself is an homage to Clooney's The Perfect Storm; the Simpsons just did an homage to that, too! Anyway, the town of South Park buys hybrid cars. They reduce smog levels, but increase smug(ness) levels. I guess the proper liberal response to this concept would have to be this: the science just isn't in on the effects of smug.

Ugly Betty - just won big at the Golden Globes. But that comes as no surprise to me. The title alone is award-worthy! Can the 100th episode be far behind?

The Messengers - These days, I just can't tell what looks scarier anymore: the PG-13 horror pictures, or the R horror pictures. In any case, this looks like a nice update to The Sixth Sense.

Stakeout 3 - Completely vanished without a trace. But there's always the middle school civics/ high school politics market to appeal to.

The Last King of Scotland - If I didn't see the commercial on TV telling me that Whitaker's performance was the best of the year, I never would've known! Seriously, though, I hope he wins the Oscar. An Oscar. Any Oscar!

Spider Man 3 - I don't know. I was a little underwhelmed by the trailer, actually. And what's with that Freddy Krueger-style meets Charlie Brown-lookin' sweatshirt on the Sandman dude?

Last Laugh '06 - Underwhelming compared to last year's extravaganza. Although I did appreciate their feature: "The biggest Tool of '06". And, based on an online vote, the winner of the Biggest Tool of '06 was ... George W. Bush? Really? Bigger than K-Fed? I don't think so. Worst president ever, but not necessarily the biggest tool of 06. They should've done the top 5 at least.

Notes on a Scandal - Cat figtht of the 21st Century! I think it's based on the 1998 Oscars...

Babel - Ah, even Cate herself can't keep track of all these mvoies she's in...

Alpha Dog - See Smokin' Aces.

Deck The Halls - DeVito's acting equivalent of his narration of ... Duplex! Just came to me...

Music and Lyrics - Haven't I seen this movie already?

Perfume - Dustin's still got it!

Idiocracy - Son of Sleeper.

Premonition - It's a lot like Groundhog Day, but with all the funny, entertaining parts cut out. It's the hot new way to add spice to an otherwise stagnant marriage, kinda like how certain right-wingers are trying to add spice to America's relationship with Christmas.

Undisputed 2 - My man is ripped!

Kissing a Fool - Really, I think we can all learn something from this movie. I only saw about five minutes of it, but before I did, I was a normal, clean, sober American. Now I've become a toothless meth addict! You can read all about it in my upcoming memoir...

And finally this cycle...

"Shooting Sizemore" - as long as Sizemore doesn't shoot anyone! Guess what, folks, that's the news and I am outta here...

Get ready for...

Another big burst of short reviews! Brought to you by goatmilkicecream.com. Okay, bills paid.
But before we get on with it, this is indeed the new year, but if you're Jewish it's been about 4 months into it, right? Anyway, I'm looking forward to summer already. I must be getting older, and really tired of digging my way out of snow. But in my travails and my travels I happen to run across a terrific quote by the man himself, Dr. Martin Luther King. For copyright purposes I it was from a speech he gave at the UAW's 25th Anniversary dinner on April 27, 1961. I particularly like it because it shows he's STILL ahead of his time. See, the hot word on the street put out there by some wise-ass fiscal conservative that got under my skin was that the free market would have eventually put an end to segregation. So, here's Dr. King's quote:

"Social progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and persistent work of dedicated individuals. Without this hard work, time itself becomes the ally of the insurgent and primitive forces of social stagnation. So in order to realize the American dream of economic justice and the brotherhood of man, men and women all over the nation must continue to work for it."

Now, Dr. King said that 47 years ago (two score and seven). So, for those of you out there who read that but still think to yourselves "Well, I still think the free market would've eventually ended segregation anyway" to them I say, ain't it just like a fiscal conservative to stand up for a half-baked notion they say EVENTUALLY would've worked. Don't even bother explaining why or how, because such an expenditure of energy would simply be uncivilized. Reminds me of a certain global struggle we've become entangled in! Now, if Clinton said it'll be for the next president to figure out ...

Okay, enough of my yappin'. Time for some movie yappin' as we subtly progress into...

Focker, pt. 2

Dang, these cold feet of mine. What is it about those giant hunks of flesh around the heels that act as a complete conduit for the cold? Must be the lack of veins and arteries. So many things to acquire; a good pair of slippers, a phone headset so I can walk and talk at the same time, with the potential of tripping and falling on my ass while on the phone. "Oh, nothing, I just fell down there... So anyway" What else? And on top of it all, I have to drive all the way to Ephrata to see Pan's Labyrinth. Better just buy the Code 3 DVD downtown and forget about it. C'mon, Guillermo, make Ron Perlman the oldest young man in action movies today yet again!

Must... stop... non-sequiturs. Nobody likes 'em. We got a box office to report on. We left off at #5 which is Dreamgirls, and then! Then we get to the fresh meat, heh heh... #4 brings us Freedom Writers, which looks like kinduva group Antwone Fisher kinda thing. Guess it's not in the same vein as Freedom Fries, as one might think if you're living in a state colored Red. Well, throw it into the same stream as Blackboard Jungle, Stand and Deliver, Dangerous Minds, maybe Singleton University for good measure. This box office cycle's sorta Turning LaGravenese, I really think so...

Then at #3 it's the other debut this week, the latest rehash of the 12 Monkeys genre, and it's called Children of Men. There's already talk of a sequel, but they're not sure whether to set it in the past and call it Parents of Children, or set it in the future and call it Son of Children of Men, or set it even farther into the future and call it Alimony. In any case, I'm sure Julianne Moore's just down on her knees and thanking her lucky stars it's not pulling a Freedomland at the box office.

And of course, Happyness at 2 and Museum at 1. Yawn. I really need some sleep. I've almost defeated my cold and regained my voice so I don't sound like Super Dave all the time! There's gotta be a big showbiz secret there... how does he sound hoarse all the time? No clues. I like how on his old appearances on Carson, Johnny would always say "Now, I think you have an obligation to show this clip! You've given us these expectations of a clip and I think you need to follow through!" ...okay, that's all I got for now. Ta ta!

Auteur Watch: Peter Jackson

Boy, I must've been in a snow-induced funk or something, but every once in a while there's a little bit of news that's like a jolt of double-espresso right into the pituitary gland. No sooner was I reading about the Diaz - Timberlake split caused by a Johansson wedge when I caught a whiff of another tiff in the news! Between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema chief Bob Shaye no less. And it's not because, during a recent private screening of the special director's cut of Book of Love, Peter was overheard saying it was the worst piece of liquid crap he ever seen. Nor was it because Peter was quoted as saying The Last Mimzy puts the 'puke' in his hometown of Pukerua Bay, North Island, New Zealand. No, apparently it's just over money, all that green, green Lord of the Rings money. Not idly do the Benjamins of Lorien fall, my friends! I haven't seen these kinds of fiduciary troubles since James Cameron got completely screwed out of his Titanic profits. But the Rings money, there's a lot more competition over that. All I want to know is, is Zaentz getting his fair share?

Really, though, the article was quite something. These two should either go on The People's Court or one of its ten gazillion knock-offs to settle their differences. Or maybe Jerry Springer, if he can take time from his weekend show on Air America. As much as I hate to pick sides, I think Jackson came off sounding a little better. Shaye seemed a little too blustery, as management should, of course. And I thought Mr. Jackson was going to settle peacefully back into obscurity with The Lovely Bones. (working title: Heavenly Creatures 2) The tiff also had something to do with planned Rings prequels, or The Hobbit. If I were Jackson, personally, I'd be kinda tired of the whole Rings thing anyway. Rings prequels, the Hobbit, that sounds more like a job for the likes of a James McTeigue, or a Justin Lin. Hell, maybe even Michael Cimino could come out of retirement to do it, and co-direct with William Friedkin. Anyway, the point being, I hope these two crazy kids can set aside their differences and join forces to combat the real enemy... Wes Craven. That bastard needs to be taken down a couple dozen notches.

Freem?

Economy is much better now uygy

Well, it's like the man says: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." As timely today as it was twenty years ago. For example, there was a blurb on Yahoo! news about this painter who finally made it big with her painting of Angelina Jolie in the heavens just hovering over Wal-Mart. It's kinduva Rolling Stone / Vanity Fair kind of a deal that Annie Leibowitz might've concocted, but with a lower quality of heavenly lighting. Heavenly Lighting 1.0, if you will. You could read all about it on the painter's own blog, but you'll just have to find it yourself because frankly I have neither the time nor the ... well, frankly, I just don't care. Although I did hear that Ashlee Simpson, not to be outdone, is interested in doing a similar project which will be on the cover of Vanity Fair sometime next year.
Which brings us to this week's box office battle. For an unprecedented third week in a row, it's Night at the Museum, which must be some kind of vindication for producer Chris Columbus and his 1492 pictures (I don't get it...) The PG market is hot again! Fortunately he's at a point in his career where he doesn't have to direct his own mega-hits. Oh but let us not dwell on all this happiness; let us turn back the clock and see where the box office began...

This week it begins at #10 with the underdog story of this year, We Are Marshall. I guess everyone's already forgotten Invincible, and The Rookie is an even more distant memory. But Remember the Titans will always have a home on ABC Family, or whatever channel they are now. And Clash of the Titans was the best movie of the 60s animation explosion ever, right up there with "Frosty the Snowman" and all that other stuff... Where was I? Oh yeah, the Chad is rad!

At #9 it's Rocky Balboa, the other sports underdog story this week. Uh-oh! Someone wrote that it's "a heart-felt and meaningful end to the Rocky series" without writing Spoiler Alert!!! Drat. Anywho, you'd be hard pressed to find an online review that doesn't include the words "American institution" or "Grecian formula". But to get the word on the street, I generally rely on The Onion and The Village Voice myself, but the dude in the Village Voice had this to say, betwixt others of course: "Now Rocky VI equals Bush II: However bloody things get, the born fighter refuses to throw in the towel. " The only difference is, at least Rocky doesn't have an inner circle to take punches for him.

And speaking of inner circles, #8 gives us The Good Shepherd, the gift that keeps on giving. A friend of mine asked me "Who's the most sympathetic character in the movie?" And after giving it some thought I said the Angelina Jolie character, or as Jennifer Aniston calls her, Devil Woman. I like what one of the Extra / Access Hollywood shows said about Jolie, that Aniston couldn't overcome Jolie's "overpowering sexiness," and I think it was in relation to the whole Brad Pitt Mr. and Mrs. Smith thing even. Yes, even the least demonstrative reader of Maxim magazine can't help but look at Matt Damon and Angelina together, see Matt choose career over family, and think to themselves "He's gotta be gay, right? Gotta be, there's no rational explanation!" On the other hand, the couple's lipstick budget was pretty steep. Takes a pretty high-paying job to cover that kinda stuff.

#7 gives us the gift of Charlotte's Web. Nope, still don't care because #6 gives us N'Happily Ever After or ... I'm sorry, it's spelled Happily N'Ever After. I think it's supposed to help pave the way for Shrek 3. Or Hoodwinked 2. One or the other.
And so we've climbed up halfway up the mountain. Stay tuned for the other half. My bath water awaits!

Oh, nice going, Focker!!!

Boy, I don't know. I know it's a new year and all, but it sure feels like an old year so far. I think Lewis Black predicted it correctly; if I remember, he said 2006 blew, and 2007's gonna blow too.
Ne'theless the box office tallies carry on, despite the terrorists' best efforts.
Nothing much new to report, lamentably. We'll just have to wait 'til February for anything new. At #10 it's The Holiday, and for Jude Law it's the Hard Place for the Rock that was Alfie. Man, talk about Irreconcilable Differences! Meanwhile, Eli Wallach longs for the colorful roles of The Good, Bad and Ugly, but is willing to settle for Tough Guys-style material.
Next, Happy Feet keeps on tapping at #9, and I STILL bet Spielberg wishes he was in on this one. In your face, VeggieTales!
At #8 it's We Are Marshall. It wasn't supposed to be a Box Office Underdog!!! Still, I can't wait to hear "And the Oscar goes to... McG! Best Director..." Why not?
At #7 it's Dragon... oh, wait, I misspelled it. Eragon. Hah! Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer's poo-poohing all these candidates for Bart's name, but finally seriously considers the name Bart: "Hmm! Bart, cart, dart, e-art... Nope! Nothing wrong with that!"
At #6 it's the last American hero, Rocky Balboa. But don't worry, folks. We got the new Rambo on the horizon, too. They're calling it... Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra. Oh, God! That's the one remake we don't need!... too late... Hmm! Time for Movie SAT 101: Sly vs. Ali G. There's Ali G., Borat and Bruno on the one side, and Rambo and Rocky on the other... so what's Sly's comparative Bruno? Tango of Tango and Cash? Just asking...

Whew! Halfway there...

At #5 it's The Good Shepherd. Eat it, Copland!
Clocking in at #4, Charlotte's Web is giving as good as it's getting. And what is it getting? A rather tepid reception from the forces of Secularia. They should've churched it up a little! I think the Bible belt is ready to welcome Dakota Fanning back into their very open arms. Do it for Reba! And screw you, Dixie Chicks!
Dreamgirls keeps swooning within the top 5, currently at #3. Why, Bill Condon must be in heaven! And the best part of it is, today's triumph makes up for all the past, especially Sister, Sister and Candyman 2. heh heh...
At #2 it's The Pursuit of Happy-Ness, or the way I prefer to think of it, Men in Black 2 and a half...
Anyway, Night at the Museum continues to enhance Ben Stiller's Box Office reputation (take that, Sandler!), and further buttress the legacy of Stiller & Meara. Man, I'm all hyper-linked out tonight. Anyway, I think I'll wait til it comes on HBO. I'm still smarting from Along Came Polly, me thinks.
Alright, that's it for this week. Hey, at least I got it done a little earlier than I usually do, right? :)

high quality meds... iqafrkltevfskrrdyblm

Egad... more tech malfunctions. On my end, not Blogger's of course. Why I haven't even begun to use my new Blogger / Google hybrid account yet! Now, would the new hybrid name be either Blogg-oogle or Google-logger? Sigh; always a new question on the horizon. Anyyway, let's get this one last mother out before the new box office totals come in in about 30 minutes. The way I see it, the big story is night at the museum vs. The Good shepherd: a pairing even e.e. cummings didn't see cumming. I mean, think about it: a 90-minute movie the whole family can enjoy, or an almost 3 hour movie that almost no one is going to enjoy, so you have to dump your kids off at the former for two showings. What's gonna win out at the box office? Hmm! That's a mystery even the current White House couldn't solve! But enough about the Iraq war, let's just dive right into the list as it still stands now.

At #10 it's ... let me call up the other window here. It's Happy Feet's last stand! Boy I bet Spielberg had a hand in this one now.
At #9 it's The Holiday, a take on Christmas that only Conde Nast could love. Yawn. Moving on...
Debuting at #8 it's McG's prestige pic, We are Marshall. And the box office says, we are not interested. But go figure, I'm gonna call it, Strathairn'll get the Oscar on this one. Eat that, Sayles and Clooney!
#7 brings us Dreamgirls. Everyone's talking about it, except Solange.
At #6 it's Eragon. This bird's got wings, I tells ya! Guess it needed a stronger web campaign.
Charlotte's Web hangs on at #5. Not pig enough.
And finally, at #4 it's The Good Shepherd. Why, even the CIA couldn't catapult this epic to #1, no matter what strings they pulled. I didn't realize Francis Ford had a hand in this til I saw it a couple weeks ago. I think he'll push for Oscar nods on this a little harder than Marie Antoinette this year. No offense.
At #3 it's Rocky Balboa and clearly this film is dividing a nation between all those people who don't care, and all those in the media declaring Rocky the last American hero, which obviously means Gen X is in serious, serious trouble.
Pursuit of Happy-ness, don't care. And I think I care about as much as Will does.
And finally at #1 it's NATM, as all the web kids out there are calling it. There's my argument, down with net neutrality. It was a fine experiment, but I'm sorry, the web should only be for the elites so they can maintain their dominance over society by being able to check stocks on CNN.com in one window and keeping an eye on their siblings on You-Tube in another.
Sorry if I seem a little negative this week, but as usual I'm in a rush what with all these new year preparations, and a little heartbroken that my portable storage devices let me down again. Been having bad luck with the 3 1/2 inch diskettes lately! You know how it is. But I'll be back in form with the next installment of ... Box Office Breakdown!

Kill Mel, Vol. 2

My mind is being blown too often these days. Wayne Newton, a transgender? Uploading whole human brains into computers? I can't even get my MyBook to work how I want it to. And now, a whole new version of Blogger to learn? Of course, the hot blogs get to go first. Oh, the title alone of my blog precludes me from ever being a Blog of Note, like Remember the Milk, Scobb's non-Blog or mySQL DBA. As with most all things, it's probably for the best.
Anyway, gotta wrap this mother out, or up. I'm tired. The bad kind of tired that seems to be a byproduct of the... well, after learning about The Singularity, I guess the Internet age is pretty primeval or primal, but that's where I'm at nonetheless. Anyway, sometimes after a hard day of work my body seems to have just enough strength to hit the bed before falling asleep, but usually I'm in a de-facto insomnia state where I feel like doing naught but lay in bed and fall asleep, but to little to no avail. So, might as well blog and get something done. Where were we? Oh yeah, the Top 5 this week, seeing as how in a couple hours a whole new top 10 starts, with some serious heavy hitters coming to the fold. So let's look at these lighter hitters we got now.
Clocking in at a lofty #5 it's The Holiday. I heard the radio ad for this movie, this Nancy Meyers movie. What, Charley Shyer's just chopped liver now? Well, after The Affair of the Necklace and Alfie, yeah, I would say so. After hearing Jack Black's dialogue, I guess I couldn't help but recall the Simpsons' homage to Cuckoo's Nest, where Barney visits Homer in the hospital, and after hearing Homer say "No! Beer bring pain!", Barney says "I hate to see him like this" and he proceeds to smother Homer with a pillow.
I'm just sayin'. :) Incidentally, it's a small Box Office world after all: because, you see, Nancy's also the director of What Women Want, starring Mel Gibson, whose Apocalypto ALSO took in 8.01 million this week! This battle kettle's boiling over, baby.

And checking in at the #4 pigeonhole, well, what more can we say about Happy Feet that already hasn't been said? Grab a pebble and wail, baby, this holiday turkey's got legs!

And finally, we get to some new entries this week. It's ... ta da! Another damn remake! Charlotte's Web. Why, Iwao Takamoto must be spinning in his grave with the other Hanna-Barbera guy that passed away recently. Rooby Dooby Doo!!!

Fangmeier! That's all I gotta say about the #2 entry this week, Aragorn. It's another Everybody Wants to Direct sob story about a guy, working his way up through the ILM chain of command, flirting dangerously with Digital Domain for a bintel brief, then back to ILM full-bore until finally he cashes in all his chips on a LOTR knock-off like this. Still, it all might work out. Maybe he can team up with Feige!

And finally... I am reminded of what Triumph the Insult Comic Dog once yelled at Will Smith passing by on the way to some awards show: "Where's DJ Jazzy Jeff? Doesn't he get to poop on movie screens once a year, too?" Evidently, not. But Biz Markie did have that cameo in Men in Black 2! But I digress. I guess that still doesn't help out the former, huh?
Where was I? Oh yeah, it's the follow up to that golf movie, the Ballad of... something. Jack Rose? Ah yes, The Legend of Bagger Vance, that's it. See, once I get that Singularity computer chip in my brain, and they have T-1 lines in the sky, we can eliminate all this needless rambling mambling pambling. The point being, his 2006 project, The Pursuit of Happy-Ness, kicked some major ass this week at the box office. Plot-wise, it seems to be some kind of Black Dilbert thing going on, something like that. It's a hopeful story, of course, but it seems to validate the corporate infrastructure a little too much for my taste. You know, the whole CEO thing, three days of vacation a year, Armani suits and Ferrari cars, living in the top floor of the building all your life, studying the public statements of Steve Case and trying to emulate them; he was awfully good, wasn't he? Whatever became of AOL's urbanization plan anyway? Even TimeWarner himself couldn't handle that one, I guess.

And with all that in mind, it is time to tuck this week's Box Office report into bed and kiss it goodnight. And good night to all of you, suckers! Hah hah hah.......