Auteur Watch - Bronwen Hughes

Ah yes, the girl who tango'd with Spielberg in the editing room over Forces of Nature and lived to tell the tale... more or less. She's a tough-as-nails director with press-on fingernails carved out of pure diamond. So don't let her scratch your face! Or at least tell the coroner to check under the nails... something like that. Never mind. In this photo, Bronwen is posing either with Liv Tyler or Jenna Elfman; whoever she is, she's obviously playing the lead in The Bronwen Hughes Story, yet to be made. Details on Bronwen are hard to come by. Well, she is a lady in the traditional sense, and she's not telling her birthday, bitch! Let alone WHERE she's from: I'm thinking Canada seeing as how she got her start with The Kids in the Hall. So which decade is her favourite? Is it the go-go 90s? Nirvana, Deee-Lite and organic food? She was younger then and hungry, a director on the go, even though she was stuck with the ickiness that was Kids in the Hall... when I get famous, NO MORE COMEDIANS! EVER!!! It was a bit of a bi-polar decade: KITH at the start, movie stars and Amy Grant towards the end.
Or was it the 2000s? The decade of Dubya? Nah, couldn't be. All that TV work? Boo! Well, that's her penance after Stander, apparently. Starsky & Hutch in South Africa, why not? No, if actual feedback from actual directors has taught me anything, it's the current decade that's their hands-on favourite. And Bronwen's heading back to the silver screen with The Journey is the Destination. Probably won't be in 3D, though. Sounds like it should be, or maybe not. Yes, Bronwen's heading to the directorial promised land with this new-age-y sounding deep spiritual stuff. Eat Drink Man Woman. Eat Pray Love. Everything Is Illuminated. How Stella Got Her Groove Back... does that one count? Oh wait, I know. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. In whose mighty company B.H. goes to join. Stand back and watch, bitches! I gotta go, it's dinner time...

Greetings from Saskatchewan

Awright! Time to do some remote blogging today. The only drawback is I have no access to images here... at least, not like at home. Plus I've only got 10 minutes to post something. Come to think of it, it's all drawbacks. But hey! So far no one seems to have hacked my account... !@!$@^#%^@#!$#^%@vgsa89hgfg
where was I? Well, surprise surprise, Dinner for Schmucks doesn't take top spot from Inception, and Inception is STILL at #3 on the IMDb top 250. Well, that's what happens when cast and crew are allowed to vote. Same thing with the Lord of the Rings movies and Fat Slags. But don't feel sorry for Francis Veber or Steve Carell, for that matter. Steve's still got Despicable Me at #4, and Veber gave us Three Fugitives... sorry, Martin Short, but it's true. Not all your stuff is re-watchable, and the stuff that is, like Primetime Glick, isn't even on DVD! Also debuting this week: Yawn St. Boring and Cats 'n Dogs 2: The Search for a Good Title. Speaking of Kitty Galore, I was in the pawn shop recently and saw this documentary about the Bond Girls, and it was called Bond Girls are Forever. And I couldn't help but think to myself, well, no, they're kinda not. I mean, if no one likes what's her face from A View to a Kill, for God's sake. And Halle Berry's prominently featured on the DVD cover, sort of, but she's more her own entity anyway. She was Catwoman, remember?
What else? Twilight 3's almost made $300 million dollars... something depressing about that. And The Sorcerer's Apprentice is almost gone at #9 with 51.5 million in the bank. Oh, Nicolas Cage's gonna need a lot more than that to gain fiscal solvency again. Welp, better hit the road. I'm waking people up in the comptuer lab who are trying to sleep. How rude!

Short Reviews - July 2010

I know, it's too late. The gushing oil's already been capped; nobody cares anymore. Thought I'd go for it anyway.
Meanwhile, I'm looking at this book called the Bohemian Manifesto. They say that a Bohemian will watch anything with John Malkovich, but this book was published before Eragon and definitely before Transformers 3, so they therefore might have to strike him from their list. Sorry, more slim pickin's this month.


The Last Airbender - Sounds cool! I should go and see it.

The Last Tycoon - The last Elia Kazan movie

Last Action Hero - Ah, the memories. Also see Gandalf as Death.

The Last Starfighter - Nope, they're remaking that, too.

The Last of the Mohicans - Daniel-Day and Madeleine forever.

The Last (2002) - Nope.

The Last (2007) - Meh.

The Last Round Ended in a Free Fight - Whuh?

The Last Liberal Cowboy in All of the U.S. of A - must be a student film

The Other Guys - Wanting to see movie? This can't be!

Coco before Chanel - Coco before Stravinsky

Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky - Afterwards

Charlie St. Cloud - More like Yawn St. Boring

St. Elmo's Fire - What can I say? I'm stuck in 1985.

Rock-a-Doodle - A Chanticleer for Bluth-owitz?

ReVenge - Maxim magazine readers have officially voted: they'd pick Sally Kirkland over Madeleine Stowe 2 to 1!

Scott Pilgrim v. The World - I know anything goes these days, but it seems like a girl that's been out with seven guys before you's just a little bit tarnished. And she's probably going to lose her looks, too, but that's just me. Otherwise, fine film. Hope to see it in 3-D!

Christopher Nolan's "Dreamscape"

It never fails. In most cases, anyway. Any non-Coen brothers film that gets rave reviews, and I go in and end up not liking it, and I'm afraid that's true with the instant case as well. But don't get me wrong, I was as eager as everyone else to see it, and had some flop sweat for Warner Bros. and all the other studios involved, but look at it this way. Nolan's the 400 pound bear in the woods, directorially, and after The Dark Knight and even The Prestige to a lesser extent, what does he get to direct next? Well, this... I mean, ANYTHING HE WANTS.
Which is what I get for reading a review in advance. One of the majors said that Inception is basically a heist picture. And, of course, that's what I kept thinking all through it. Phooey. In addition to Dreamscape, I couldn't help but recall eXistenZ and the video game equipment used in that. To be fair, though, it is a lot less creepy in Inception. And, well, SPOILERS, I couldn't help but notice that the Japanese businessman thought all this stuff was cool enough that he PERSONALLY wanted to get involved. In the dreams as well!
That's how cool dream invasion will be when the technology comes. Hopefully, it won't. And furthermore it is the gambit that the film places its hopes on: if dreams really can be invaded by intruders, and people's minds potentially irreversibly messed up in the process. Me myself, I don't usually have very solid dream architecture. Mine is mostly a patchwork quilt of buildings and places real and unreal, and I wander from scene to scene with little thought of where I've been, etc. As for the illusion of time in dreams, well, if the rules about that really are as solid as they are in the movie, even Freud could've probably figured them out. As for the whole idea getting implanted in the first place... oh, I guess I can't question that. It is pretty blasphemous to want to unincorporate these days. As for me, if I ever got an idea planted into a dream of mine from an outside source, I doubt if it would cause lasting psychological damage, but what do I know? After all, I am a bit biased about my own mental state.
So Nolan does a fine job juggling all the elements: DiCaprio's psychoses (I haven't even mentioned the actors yet, did I?), dream rules, the heist pic, the Christoper Nolan Players (Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy, etc.).. and as with Batman Begins, he manages to revive an 80s actor's career; in this case, The Substitute himself, Tom Berenger. I personally would've gone with Peter Jason or Tom Atkins or maybe even Mitch Ryan, but that's just me. Might as well shoot the works for $200 million, right? And I know I'm gonna catch some heat for confessing this, but I think I have a thing for that Ellen Page. Glad she's got a feature other than Juno under her belt. But really, I guess she's not wanting for work. Just saw the name Ariadne in a Mexican soap opera, so it's not as exotic as I thought after all. Oh yeah, just had another thought: seeing as how the Japanese businessman became the team's ally, does it mean Lukas Haas gets to come back? And replace Ellen Page? Hell no! But I just thought I'd pose the question anyway.
So, let's wrap this mother up. Might end up getting this on DVD, if only at the pawn shop. Some have compared this to The Matrix, which is apt, but to really get into the psychology of it, I go back to 2003's The Runaway Jury, where... MORE SPOILERS ... it turns out the jury tamperers did it for PERSONAL reasons! And the usual seize the day, live like we're dying crap that we're inundated with from all sides now. Even Tickle Me Elmo. Thanks, international cadre of corporations that control everything! Death is a good thing after all!

See also: Until The End of the World

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Agnieszka Holland

Sorry, I got distracted there for a sec. This thing on Yahoo! caught my eye, and I thought about reading it. It was a list of the top 5 sci-fi movies of all time. But my shrink has warned me about that, about just leaping onto every other list out there on the web as though one's life depended on it. No, I'll just trust my intuition on that one, I guess. Well, I'm a lot like Sarah Palin, and I celebrate my ignorance openly, mostly because it's mine and mine alone, the only gift one ever really gives the world, when one gets right down to it... But back to the task at hand. Holland!! And I've actually seen some of her work, all you haters out there. You know who you are! But clearly, looking at her résumé, the 90s were her breakout decade. Maybe not her favourite, but when she took to the world cinema stage with a vengeance. First with Europa Europa, then Olivier, Olivier, and people of course started to typecast her, wondering how quickly she was going to go Hollywood Hollywood. Hah! Just thought of that one. Of course, with The Secret Garden, she sorta did. Boy, those were the days for somebody. Caroline Thompson was at the top of her craft then. But she's still doing quite well, of course, even if she faltered ever so slightly. We actually watched the garden way back when! Oh, the veritable Dark Ages, with ungodly videotapes. Must be a sign of my growing short-sightedness that whenever I see a film of someone using a videotape, I think whuh? What's that?
Anyway, back to Aggie. Actually, things sorta went downhill after Secret Garden, but work was more or less steady. She was thanked by Ed Harris for Pollock, and Ed apparently returned the favor in 2006 with Copying Beethoven. And then, Gasp! TV work! But I guess The Wire and Cold Case are a cut above. Cold Case, they always use pop songs to underline the action, right? I remember one with a Phil Collins song, "Long Way to Go"... something like that. Yeah, that's Bruckheimer for you. Is it just me, or does everything have about 10,000 producers these days? Boy, that must drive creative people crazy, having to deal with producers' notes and thoughts more so than ever before. But, as with a couple other directors I've profiled lo these many months, their brief flirtation with the tube makes them return to the silver screen with a vengeance. In Aggie's case, she's got Hidden and Janosik on the front burner, so cheers to you! Oscar still loves the Holocaust! Oh, but look @ that. People already badmouthing Janosik. It's Kasia's fault, damn it!

That's a Spicy Box-Office'a!

Sorry, just had to go for it. And so far, the image isn't an apt metaphor. Salt debuting at #2? In the face of Inception? Guts-y! Yes, A.Jo reunites with Bone Collector director Phillip Noyce... try saying THAT 10 times fast! For this tale of... whatever. Espionage. Wanted 1.5, basically. This is the kind of movie that people like Angelina announce their retirement on. But unlike Liam Neeson or Anthony Hopkins, she's got some last-minute items to finish up on, like... oh, just CLEOPATRA, for God's sake! I guess Jolie's bio-pic is already taken or something.
The other debut this week is Ramona and Beezus. Based on the 1988 TV series of the same name, sort of, Beverly Cleary is now all the rage in cinematic literary circles. What, are Judy Blume and Erma Bombeck chopped liver? Will Spike Jonze ever adapt Where the Sidewalk Ends for the silver screen? I can't take it anymore, I gotta run.

Auteur Watch - Amy Heckerling

Awww. Ain't she a cutie? Doesn't get any better than that, stylistically. It was the 80s, man, and Fast Times at Ridgemont High will probably be the one she's remembered for. To a lesser extent, Clueless. Certainly not Loser. Yes, the 80s were truly Heckerling's decade as she enjoyed success after inexplicable success. Her movies are just fun, damn it! Some might call it mindless fun, but fun nevertheless.
But then, as the 90s began and the specter of political correctness and multicultural diversity began to rear their ugly heads, she hit corporate paydirt with the genesis of the Look Who's Talking series. Then, apparently, it was time for a semi-retirement from the biz until Clueless hit! Go figure. Well, we could all use a break now and again. How and or why she got tangled up in that Roxbury debacle I'll never know... I know, it's a hidden gem, right? Most things with Will Ferrell are... except maybe Kicking & Screaming; don't those two words sum up his whole career?
Oh, surely the 2000s aren't her favorite decade. Further and further into obscurity, punished for crimes against women by the new female brass at the studios. I Could Never Be Your Woman was too little, too late. But you'll always be my director, babe. Here's hoping Vamps piggybacks on this whole neo-vampire craze and doesn't leave the taste of garlic in your mouth!!!

Inconceivable!

But every once in a while, with just the right ad campaign, a small independent feature can make a big impact on the week's box office. And no, I'm not talking about Legendary Pictures' Observe and Report, although it is legendary in its own right. No, it's Inception, the big debut this week. I mean, let's face it! Who cares about The Sorcerer's Apprentice? Not even Jay Baruchel, the film's Percy Jackson, if you will. This is his 3rd film this year, what does he care.

Angela's Dances

Ah, my seven followers. What would I do without ye? Welp, I'm making a half-way year's resolution to get back into the movie reviewing game! So why not start with Dancing at Lufthansa... I'm sorry, that's spelled Lughnasa. I don't feel so bad about getting that wrong, since I found out that Ballybeg is a MADE UP TOWN!!!! I feel strangely cheated. It's like finding out there wasn't actually a General Jack D. Ripper. Then again, Lughnasa's no Strangelove. Allow me to expand further upon this notion. And this will basically be the whole tone of the review should you choose to bail out now.
The time: 1936. The place: Ireland. And just like Scorsese was the right director for GoodFellas, director Pat O'Connor was more than perfect than this delightful tale of the land of Ire. And judging from his résumé, this just might be his GoodFellas. The January Man? Sweet November? Inventing the Abbotts? Not so much. Let me tell you something: this movie's so Irish, it hurts! It's more Irish than Red Sonja (1985) is Italian!
What else is in that list? The situation: four or five sisters live in a house together. The movie is narrated by the boy, Michael, and it's terribly reverential and nostalgic. 1936 must have been one hell of a time to be alive. You wouldn't know it from the movie by itself. But, as they say, if you remember 1936, you weren't really there, man! Something like that.. one of those years. Actually, it's a good segue into Michael Gambon's character, the brother of the Mundy sister clan. He's a minister returning from Africa, and I don't know how he was before, but he's returned lost in a haze of self-reflection. Or am I allowed to say that apparently, once he went black... you know.
If I may be so bold, Meryl Streep's always had a good career, but I think she might have been a little worried in the late 90s, with films like Music of the Heart and One True Thing. She's back in the audience's good graces now... I guess. The critics, anyway, and the Oscar voting block. Well, sometimes when one has a career like Meryl's, you gotta focus on your peeps. She does her usual fine work here, even though the material seems a bit beneath her.
Anyway, to make a long review short, the plot's not much to write home about, but I did like the cinematography and the music. And like the narrator has his memories, I remember a women comedy troupe on MTV doing a bit about this movie, and the general phenomenon in movies where either a) all women do in movies is dance, or b) dance is used as a surrogate for sex. Maybe both. Or maybe just a). Someone find that for me on YouTube, will ya?

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Annette Haywood-Carter

Close enough for the image. Well, 'tis a rare director indeed who makes the transition from script supervisor to director, but apparently she did it. I don't know why; who needs less stress in their life and more flunkies and ass-kissers to do your bidding? All I know is somewhere I got my bootleg copy of The Foot Shooting Party, and I promise I will watch it someday. Does that make me a bad person? Damn. I thought so.

The PG's have it

I guess that image's semi-phallic enough. Yes, another Pixar clone reigns triumphant at the box office this week, taking the risks Pixar just can't afford to. It's called Despicable Me, and it's apparently not based on one of these new-fangled kid's books like Captain Underpants or some crazy thing like that. Me, myself, I think that Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig are too damn busy for their own good. Oh, I'm just too riled up to dwell upon it any further. The other debut this week is the new Predator movie, Predators. By my calculation, it's the 6th in the series... sorry, the fifth. I coulda sworn there was a Predator 3, or maybe one of the predators had to babysit a bunch of kids with Ice Cube or something. I'm waiting for Predator vs. Jason or Predator vs. Freddie. Or maybe that Saw douchebag can branch out and go up against Pinhead or something! Anything. As long as it's in IMAX, and NOT directed by David Slade.

Auteur Watch - Mary Harron

Awright! Now we've got some prestige. Not much TV work, but Harron's I Shot Andy Warhol first put her on the map. Sigh. A different era when Lili Taylor was a big star; now she seems a bit faded. Her career's not quite like her role in Factotum, but close enough. So Warhol was good, but American Psycho put many people on the map, none more so than Christian Bale. Apparently all those Disney musicals didn't take. I guess the 1990s are her favorite decade. We can include Psycho in there, since it was filmed in the 90s... probably, or at least just before the 2000s began. Frankly, I need to be a fan of anyone at Harron's age who makes a movie that hits the critics that hard. Her Bettie Page thing, not so much, but that's okay, too. Did it hurt her street cred as a woman director? With the relentless marching forward of internet porn, who knows anymore? So the 2000s were rife with TV/cable work, but the silver screen calls again, and her Sonnet for a Towncar, well, let's hope it does something. She's a savvy enough director to know not to make it like Phone Booth or the beginning of The Bone Collector.

The Fangs Have It

Well, little to no surprise there. Has a Harry Potter movie debuted at #2 yet? Maybe the middle series. If I were Chris Columbus I might know it by heart... and get to make experimental films in the process. As Adam Sandler predicted, Twilight 3 mopped up all the excess blood for itself at the ol' box office this weekend. What he might not have predicted is The Last Airbender clocking in at #2! The critics SAVAGED that one... time for Lady in the Water 2, I'm guessing. We'll see what the audiences do to it next week. I mean, let's face it: Toy Story 3's great and all, but what have they done for us lately? Egg-zactly. Hence Airbender's triumph as national babysitter for a week. As for Grown Ups, well, don't worry, Adsy! You still got it! And I was thinking about it... a lot of critics have complained that Grown Ups has no plot, but the way I see it, at least he's being honest this go round. Plot, schmot. What's MORE insulting is pretending to actually HAVE a plot, like Mr. Deeds, a remake of a beloved classic... it is beloved, isn't it? It's Sandler's Fargo, I guess: lots of snow, Harve Presnell in the cast. Oh, he left us too soon. :( Anyway, the point is... I don't know! This is REALLY the era of REALLY Short Attention Spans. Instead of thinking and dressing like the tube, we're thinking and dressing like the comptroller... and somehow, that montage of 15 years worth of Adam Sandler movies, including of course the famous clip of Sandler blowing into his hands and making a fart noise from Billy Madison, doesn't quite play the same as, say, a résumé of George Stevens, but don't worry, Sandler, you're a friendly, happy-go-lucky enough kind of guy, and I'm sure you can find a couple more Sid Ganis types that can help you get that Oscar you so desperately crave. I suggest kissing up to Laura Ziskin and George Schlatter for starters. Hell, why not get Bruce while you're at it? I also want to point out that Rob Schneider plays a guy with supermodel-looking daughters. This must be a nod to his brother who works on "America's Next Top Model." They will single-handedly end the Morlock-Eloi curse by mating with these Eloi types, yes? I mean, they're clearly Morlocks. Morlock-esque, anyway, if not Ewoks.
But I guess I should pick on someone else for a while. I am, after all, an embittered O'Doyle type, and I do feel sorry for Peter Facinelli. Oh, it is so not 1999 anymore. He had his big chance to prove his acting chops with The Big Kahuna, and now he's the creepy doctor of the Twilight series. Won't be long before he's the new Mr. Belvedere, tee hee hee...
What was the other story this week? Oh, right, the ad campaign for Cyrus paid off, just not that well. It's been a while since we've seen a one-weeker in the Top 10, so why not this I say? After all, Jonah Hill's still got that Greek movie! Either way, he loses.

Short Reviews - June 2010

That's what I get for multi-tasking. Phooey. I can't do anything anymore. I was going to talk about something in the news, but I forget what it is right now. Well, another of Obama's chicks is going onto the bench, I see! I guess the Republicans will have to oppose him some other way, like through owning 95% of all the wealth... something like that. Meanwhile, have you seen that Katy Perry video for "California Gurls"? Is it just me, or is she not pandering enough? Certainly not compared to Lady GaGa in that Telephone video, that's for sure. Someone else do the hyperlinks for me, okay?


Jonah Hex - You know, one thing that Wild Wild West (1999) probably doesn't get accused of a lot is being prescient...

The Special Relationship - Between Michael Sheen and Peter Morgan? It's kinda scary, actually... there aren't too many actor-screenwriter relationships out there, though. They must be protected and nurtured, obviously. I thought Dennis Quaid was doing W.C. Fields for a second there! heh heh... By the way, Dennis. The 80s called, they want their constant flow of Dennis Quaid movies back!

Marmaduke - Now Owen's the Marley!

Sunshine State - A classic. I plan on watching it someday. I do like the part where the cute couple hold each other's noses to see who can hold their breath the longest. Gotta like that!

$#!t Year - I dunno... they might have to change the title if they want to advertise on TV or have trailers in the theater...

The Karate Kid (2010) - You're pushing your luck, Jaden!

The Betsy (1978) - Is this anything like The Baxter?

Sex and the City 2 - Well, if they don't have Sharbat Gula in this with ANY kind of cameo, what was the point, really?

A Dangerous Woman - I LOVE this kind of movie.

He Was a Quiet Man - Christian Slater does One Hour Photo?

One Hour Photo - Blondes don't necessarily have more fun.

The Dark Backward - Is this a cult movie yet?

The Pawnbroker - Is this like the last four?

Blades of Glory - Now I know where Lady GaGa got her look from!

Overnight - I'm too jealous to watch this.

Love Ranch - Taylor Hackford's a good director, but he can't direct his wife. Every director's got a blind spot. She should've studied Miranda Richardson in The Apostle!

Bell, Book & Candle - Well, it's still better than Practical Magic

Incident at Oglala - Good movie. No snark.

Auteur Watch - Leslie Harris

Yeah, I know. I'm deliberately picking the simple ones now. Sorry, but sometimes you gotta do the cautionary tales. Besides, Tamar Hoffs is busier than I thought. I swore this was called at one point Just Another Black Girl on the IRT! But I'm like Stephen Colbert and I don't see race, but I do know a racist title when I see one. And some directors have only one film in them, and they make it, then nothing else. Well, some of them get to make other movies, like Kevin Smith, but somehow they seem the same. Others, like Leslie Harris don't get to fall into the Weinsteins' good graces, so just one film for them. But apparently she's doing a sequel to her one film. This news article here says she's casting it right now. I think she should go the Michael Apted 7-Up route on the casting, don't you folks?

Toy Story Topples Sandler

Welp, I've seen our collective cinematic futures, people. It's all right here in the crystal ball of this week's box office, and it's grim. To me, anyway. It's a Morluk and Eloi future we're headed for, no question about it. Or maybe it's Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, or perhaps a little of both! He had similar class divisions in his tome. But the main thing is that every movie will be dedicated to the two big concepts: an elegy to mortality, and toilet humour. Toy Story 3's heavy on the former, but dipping their toes into the other. They're finally getting brave! I guess they can really afford to take a risk this time. Their next feature? Pixar's The Jerky Boys 2012. Go figure. Not what I would've done, but you gotta admit it's a risk. Suck it, 3-2-1 Penguins! And of course, pretty boy Adam Sandler. Some complain that his latest work is just a glorified home movie, but I ask you this: look at that credits list. That's some home movie, dontcha think? Wow! Probably more expensive than Click was! And don't kid yourself, Grown Ups did well at the box office, coming in a distant second with 40 million to Toy Story 3's 60 million; might as well round up for our buddy Pixar, we owe them that much. Some sniping 'journalist' said that Tom Cruise did badly with Knight and Day at #3 with 20 million, and maybe that's true, but hey! That's still better than Jonah Hex. I guess any publicity really is good publicity; you know it's bad when they don't talk about you at all. Respect for the dead kind of thing? Ouch!
But back to Sandler. So his little movie made 40 million, but my inside sources tell me that Giuliani bought about 10 million dollars worth of tickets with his war chest funds. What a good friend. He's not in Grown Ups, and you know who else isn't? Henry Winkler! Allen Covert! (he just exec-produced) Bad guys named O'Doyle! Why, Sandler's practically without a net here! He and his chums were concerned about releasing his movie in the range of the next Twilight movie, but I think he'll make out all right. Maybe that should be his next movie! Somewhere on that vampire slippery slope. He's a good writer; him and Fred Wolf oughta be able to come up with something! The point is, the market has clearly spoken. We've walked over the hot coals of classics like The Godfather and Raiders of the Lost Ark, but that era has clearly passed. Who wants to see such old, depressing, OLD movies anymore? The Godfather? Ick! I don't want to see a movie about crime! Plus, I think it's more than a little racist, implying that all Italians are gangsters. Raiders? I don't like any kind of excitement. Nothing but VeggieTales for me, thanque you. Plus, I think it's slightly racist, with all the racist caricatures and stuff? Or was that the 2nd one? A big capital No Thank You. No, Grown Ups for me and my friends, because for the boys, Salma Hayek's still hot, clearly reveling in her MILF years, and for the girls, Salma's outfit was cute, but clearly she doesn't look as good as she did in From Dusk Till Dawn. And Toy Story 3, toy soldiers for the boys, and Ken and Barbie for the girls. Yes, the playing field of plots is asymptotically close to being completely level now. Bland entertainment forever.
What else? The other debut this week is Knight and Day with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Looks kinda good! Well, that Mangold's a pretty good director. Ooh! Good name, too.

Auteur Watch - Catherine Hardwicke

Looque! Up in the sky! It's Ana Gasteyer! It's this gal I went to class with! No... it's Catherine Hardwicke. Oooh! Good name. If it were a guy, like Johnny Hardwicke, well... anyway, she's one of those rare few who migrate from one career to another. Sorry, Bo, but you've still got the day job. Side note: Cat in the Hat made money, right? Must not've been enough, or perhaps he a-holed his way into the director's chair, then a-holed his way right back out. Okay, back to C.H. Was the 80s her favourite decade? A semi-protege of Sally Cruikshank and Tama Janowitz, designing the production of such classics as Tapeheads and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka? Every girl's hair and dresses like Cyndi Lauper? Living in a Box only to sleep during the day, partying at trendy L.A. clubs and Jack Lemmon's house all night?
Or was it the go-go 90s? Time to roll up one's sleeves and get to work. A lot of P.D.'s retired during that time. Time for the next generation to take over! Even on a film like Posse! Which she parlayed to the white version, Tombstone. She reunited with Tapeheads director ... what's his name to do Car 54, Where Are You? I forget who that director is, but somehow I think Car 54 will be the one he's remembered for. Whichever cable network they always play it on, TMC or Showtime, it'll be on there forever for some reason. I'm thinking Rosie O'Donnell's the reason!
Surely the 2000s are Hardwicke's favourite. She finally had the motel pictures she needed to blackmail her way into the director's chair for such features as The Nativity Story and the first Twilight... somehow thematically they seem awfully similar. But no, if talking to one director has taught me anything, the current decade's always the favorite, and the 2010s are going to be the best yet, even if nifty 60's approaching fast. And look! A Red Riding Hood reboot is on the menu! With Amanda Seyfried no less! She's perfect for the part; as long as Todd Solondz isn't directing with what's her face in the lead: Heather Matarazzo, that's it. The only one NOT in that documentary I just saw!

Hey! Remember the '90s?

Hey my followers! Sorry, I was preoccupied for a minute there. I had to read up on my dating do's and dont's on Yahoo! Apparently one should talk about your former dates... I mean NOT! Not talk about your last dates. Anyway, the heavily subsidized movie market triumphs again at the box office this week... well, sort of. The kid-friendly debuts won big time. Say! Ever smoke a lot of weed and then walk through Toys R Us? Well then, Toy Story 3's for you, my friends! The long awaited three-quel is here. Pixar didn't want to do it. Disney wanted to release it straight to video. But someone prevailed and to the theater it goes. As prescribed by the laws of sequels, all the actors are back, and some new ones. I thought for sure Larry the Cable Guy'd take over for Jim Varney, but they got that Sandler cracker instead. Kewl! And of course, the roster of characters has expanded. Did they include pet rocks? Was there some kind of ode to the 70s? Did we get to see Woody with an afro? Did he get a black sidekick like Shaft or Willie Dynamite? Some complain that toilet humour has come to Pixar, but I say it couldn't come soon enough. Let the Apatow-ization, Farrelly-izing and Kevin Smith-ifying of everything continue unabated forever!
The other debut this week is Jonah Hex at... #8! For God's sake. They spent as much money on advertising as Toy Story 3! Hope it was worth it. Guess not. I'll bet Megan Fox was wishing now she didn't bow out of Transformers 3. With this and Jennifer's Body under her belt, she can't seem to sell a movie to save her life! The days of Marilyn Monroe are long gone, but we'll have the memories forever. A lot to live up to. But who knows? Some heir to the throne might come along someday.

Auteur Watch - Randa Haines

I shouldn't be too snarky here... I don't know why. Just a gut feeling I have. Don't want to burn too many potential bridges here! No doubt about it, though, Miss Randa Haines has climbed up to the top of her craft with little to no intention of climbing back down. She started a little late; preferably, one starts directing right out of high school. And she started in TV; for some, a major handicap. People like Rod Daniel and Peter Bonerz just can't seem to escape the black hole of TV directing. But not Randa! After apparently successful stints on everything from Hill Street Blues to Knots Landing she got her big break with an Oscar-worthy title called Children of a Lesser God... best known because the Simpsons parodied the title once. Was that the best decade or what? After all, the 80s ARE making a comeback.
But then came the 90s and it was rising star, rising star all the way. Two critically acclaimed features back-to-back: The Doctor, and Wrestling Ernest Hemingway. Unfortunately, she had to take it easy after those two since they weren't monster hits. But she wrapped up the decade with Dance With Me. Not to be confused with Shall We Dance. What is it with you and dancing, ladies? Is it really that much like sex?
I'd have to say the 90s was, is, are the odds-on favourite decade of her career. She was just turning 50 but somehow it didn't seem to matter because a whole army of cast and crew were kissing her ass 24-7. Not so much in the 2000s, what with don't care and don't care under her belt. The Outsider? A sequel to 1983's The Outsiders? No such luck. And I don't think Naomi Watts was the first choice... let's see if that one guy's paying attention. And she tried to sucker Bumpkin America with her latest until they realized it wasn't about Ron White.
So what's up next for Randa Haines? Nothing yet, according to regular IMDb. Maybe there's something on premium IMDb that you have to pay for. Hard to say what this auteur would want to end her career with; it is close to retirement time, no? The last installments of Harry Potter and Twilight are spoken for, I think... How about The 28th Amendment?

Hey! Remember the 80s?

I get it now! It's not that the 70s will live forever, but they still will, no question about it. No, the hot nostalgia lags exactly, EXACTLY one generation behind. And I still figure a generation at about 30 years, give or take 5 to 10 years. And so, #1 and #2 at the box office this week fall handily into that time horizon. Stand By Me from 1986 romanticized the 50s. Summer of 42 was about 30 years after. And round and round we could go... if I had more examples. Why, even The Godfather probably falls close to that! At least, the Al Pacino part of the story... maybe not. Never mind. GoodFellas as well.
For me, though, this box office is clearly a lesser class of nostalgia. I mean, I like the original Karate Kid, or maybe I'm just prejudiced. Or maybe the new Karate Kid is too young. When was the last time you heard of a 13 year old black belt? Let alone one that could take any adult in a fight? See what I'm saying? All due respect to Will Smith's kid and everything. But I included the pic of the A-Team for one reason: whose body was Liam Neeson's head cut-and-pasted onto? Surely, not Liam's! Why, he looks like he still has his Suspect or Next of Kin physique! No Hollywood black magic in the world could pull THAT off, I'm afraid! As for the rest of the box office... LOSERS! They're all losers. Yes, even Shrek. I dealt with all those already. I gotta move on.

Auteur Watch - Deb Hagan

Damn! That didn't work, did it? Anyway, I already profiled her two years ago, when her big breakthrough College made the feature-length version of D.E.B.S. look like Avatar. But lemme say this about Deb Hagan: she's got a good Jerry Lewis name. If she were ever introduced by Lewis, he could say "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you Miss Deb ga-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAN-MAVEN-MOINEN!!!!!" If you go to Deb Hagan's official IMDb page right now, you might see the headline "Ten Worst films of 2008." Is that a good thing? Basically, no, because College wasn't even good as kitsch. The commercials on TV didn't even make it look good. Of course, I'm not the target demographic anymore, so it must just be the jealousy talking, but I still know $#!t from shinola, if I may say so in this forum. Anyway, Deb's got plenty on her plate as it is: something coming up called The Matadors. Here's how it got green-lit: some movie studio exec said "Oh! A sequel to The Matador? I love it! Here's $1.5 million dollars; go and make it!" What was that thing that Pauline Kael said about women filmmakers?

(10 minutes later...) Awright! Got the image link to work! But I did forget the following...

For more on Deb Hagan, follow THIS link!! HAHAHAHAHA....

Get Me to the Shrek!

Another crackerjack week at the Top 10 USA Box Office. Shrek still top boffo, of course. No surprise there. Still not powerful enough to justify Austin Powers 4, but then again, what is? Surely not Demi Moore as the love interest! About 10 years too late for that. Anyway, we got 4 debuts this week. We got Get him to the Greek. Yeah, Apatow's still got it. I just can't decide if Jonah Hill's the new Jon Lovitz or the new Chris Penn... Let me guess: even though everyone else sees him as the new Jon Lovitz, he THINKS he's the new Chris Penn, even though he blew his chance to show it with Cyrus. No, I have a feeling he's going to lose a bunch of weight and do Observe and Report 2 soon enough, even though it'll be a direct to DVD release, but it'll still make a great Costco 2-pack!
There's also Killers with Katherine Heigl, who still owes her fame more to Apatow than she'd care to admit. Somehow I don't see the influence of that TV show she's on... that ER knock-off, what's it called? Someone email that to me. It made $16 million this weekend, which ALMOST paid for the entire TV ad campaign and the catering costs. Oh well, maybe the DVD sales will be good. The next debut is another one of those live-action renderings of a semi-beloved cartoon strip: Marmaduke. Well, it's still more real than Marley & Me. Just to give you a fair warning, in the next short reviews I'm going to say: now Owen's the Marley! Try to act surprised.
And finally, Adrien Brody's hanging on to his marquee status with Splice, a tribute to the lost era of analog movie editing: the decks, the razor blades, the glue. It's all digital now! Cameras AND film. Everything all blurry in a bad way. I HATE it. Okay, that's it for me, gotta get back to the books.

Review!

Welp, I really should be getting onto my homework... how sad is that? But it's college level stuff, so this is not some high school punk kid talking here, waiting to see Justin Bieber in Jonah Hex... man, is he buffed out! Must be steroids. ...I mean, Megan Fox. Of course. What an actress... AND a fox!
Anyway, back to the movie at hand, because I was thinking maybe a movie review will help me get the leg up I need on this whole homework racket. Ransom! is a movie, that I saw, so why not start with that. It's a movie starring Glenn Ford and Donna Reed. If it were cast today, it'd be William H. Macy and Megan Fox... I mean, Sandra Bullock. Well, she's getting older and moving into MILF territory... I mean, more matronly roles. Can't lie about that.
And, I dunno. I guess I wasn't too impressed... or was I? I guess the acting was pretty good. Glenn probably shoulda got an Oscar or something, or at least a nomination. Really sharp critics will note that Glenn seems to be the first on-screen self-conscious dad, more concerned about getting in every jokey comment he can at his son's expense before he goes missing. Donna Reed's not given much to do, but we're rooting for her anyway. Probably could've gone without the butler and the maid for our collective contemporary's sake, but it was a different era, indeed, and being a CEO back then was quite different, I guess. Or, I guess the correct answer is: it was wrong then, and it is wrong now, but to cover it up is to deny this important, but unfortunate chapter in our history.
Now, I guess I'd be remiss, derelict in my movie reviewing duties if you will, if I didn't mention that this WAS remade, but not with William H. Macy and some hot chick. No, it was redone in 1996 with pre-crazy Mel Gibson and Rene Russo... hot in her own right, arguably. Not Jayne Mansfield hot, but I guess that doesn't play these days. So, given the casting, and the modern attitude, think of this as Lethal Weapon 3.5: The Kidnapping-ing. (Kidnappening?) And it is kind of interesting comparing the differences of the two. But both do have that kick-ass scene where the dude goes on TV live with a big pile of money in front of him, to say, well, kidnappers, here it is on your TV screen. Come and claim it! I'd have to re-watch how Mel does it, but I'm guessing it's not as good. Of course, it was a lot more money in Glenn Ford's day and they padded out the script out to movie length, since it was originally done as a TV show.
But the biggest difference between the two... at least, for me, is how they deal with the kidnappers. I never get to the plot! Glenn Ford / Mel Gibson is a rich bastard who's bastard of a son gets kidnapped, and Oscar-worthy acting ensues as a reslut... result. But the 1956 version NEVER shows the kidnappers! That's just how horrible the crime was back then. I mean, for God's sake, this isn't Communist Russia we're talking about here! This is America! We don't bug our hotel rooms like THEY... used to. Sorry, I digressed again, but to reiterate, in the 1956 version the kidnappers are never shown. We don't even hear a voice over the telephone!!!! In the 1996 reboot, on the other hand, we see NOTHING BUT the kidnappers. We see their backstory, we see them planning, we see them cobbling together makeshift daycare facilities, we get the big Morluk/Eloi speech, etc. We see urine running down the kid's leg when he realizes the kidnapper's come back... well, I'll try not to give too much away, but it's a nail-biter, and Mel even gets the opportunity to do his signature Lethal Weapon running down the street. Those days are long gone now, but he stays as fit as he cares to, no question about it. Oh, and the remake features a kick-ass Kite-Cam that falls to earth. Bet that cost a penny and a half, eh, Piotr? ...damn. He's dead. And yet, has a 2010 credit! How's that for staying busy?
So, in conclusion, both kinda suck, but in different, unique ways. And of course, if you go on the IMDb and look at user comments, you'll no doubt find a positive review of anything. Even Fat Slags, I'd hazard a guess! But I'm in favour of any movie that takes me out of my usual dramatic rut, like I'm Not Rappaport and Ransom!(1956). Okay, back to the homework.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Tears for Frears: Hey! Remember the 1997s?

This is what I get for waiting too long to review a movie. I gotta learn to do these right away: snap, snap, snap the fingers! Keep the product moving. Anyway, in The Queen's favor, at least it was short. These sprawling epics get me down sometimes, man. Who's got time anymore to see a whole movie, anyway? Not even the filmmakers themselves!
Now, I've seen a lot of superhero and comic book movies lately, but I gotta say that The Queen's got to be the weirdest one yet. I mean, she supposedly has all these powers, and everyone in the movie acts like she does, but where are they? First of all, she's old. What superhero is old? Only her! Second, her sole power seems to be the ability to drive a Jeep... which she gets stuck in a river. Uh, hello? No powers of foresight into the future? And does she fly back to base camp? No! She gets on a cell phone to tell one of the servants that the jeep broke down! I guess that passes for super these days.
Now I know what you're thinking, and you're absolutely wrong. I'm NOT being hard on The Queen because she's a chick. I'd be just as hard on a dude in a similar situation. And this James Cromwell guy, well, he's not exactly Captain America himself. But I will say he looks a little more like the real Prince Charles than the guy they got to portray him. Oh well. Plus, the whole thing's a little too British for my taste. I guess I've gotten too accustomed to the British sidekick shoring up the American hero. That's just one Brit, I can handle that. Not the whole damn country!
What else did I like about the movie? Well, I thought Christopher Hitchens was awfully good as Robin Janvrin. He's always fun when he goes on the Bill Maher show, especially when he gets good and drunk. And pretty-boy Michael Sheen was good as well. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet, and nor has Peter Morgan, apparently!

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Short Reviews - May 2010

Welp, another long and turbulent month comes to an end. For some reason I keep getting Bokeem Woodbine and Boaz Yakin confused. Maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, maybe I'm just a latent racist, mabye I'm a little scatterbrained... what was I talking about? Oh, right. I'm just so glad they finally got rid of the riffraff on the Rotten Tomatoes show. What a hassle. But my question is: why is Alfonso Duralde still on the show? In other news, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but in the season finale of Breaking Bad, Hank makes a full recovery and opens a pawn shop in Las Vegas with his father, and his son Big Hoss.

Oceans - Why does this feel like that film they show you at the end of Soylent Green?

Soylent Green - Yup. Reboot time. I'm guessing Sam Worthington will reprise the Charlton Heston role.

A Day in the Life - With Bokeem Woodbine as BamBam

Curb Your Enthusiasm: Funkhauser's Crazy Sister - With Catherine O'Hara as Bam-Bam

The Flintstones - with Hlynur Sigurosson as Bamm-Bamm (Hlynur Sigurðsson)

Bam Bam and Celeste - With Margaret Cho as Celeste

The Back-Up Plan - If J. Lo wants an Oscar for the likes of this, well... she's going to have to do like Mr. Burns and spread some serious fat stacks to each Academy member individual-like.

Dirty Girl (2011) - Forrest Gump meets ... Natty Gann? What's the classic runaway movie?

Trouble Along The Way - Was this originally for Jimmy Stewart?

Wall street 2: Money Never Sleeps - Well, at least it's not going direct to video!

City That Never Sleeps (1953) - More timely than ever!

Rust Never Sleeps - Classic prequel to Year of the Horse

Satan Never Sleeps (1962) - Oh, I'll bet he sleeps more soundly than people might think...

Never sleeps (2007) - too general!

Fish Never Sleep (2002) - must be a mob comedy with no laughs or something

Money Never Sleeps (2000) - We know.

Salt - Needs more pepper.

Salt and Pepper - Needs less ham

Sleepless in Seattle - As timely a message as ever: people with allergies shouldn't breed.

Kites - Brett Ratner presents... crap? Any reason to think otherwise?

Second Best - This movie's a loser.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I kinda hope the world wins.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger - Ah, is there any more beloved cliché than a guy in school getting pantsed in front of gawking students and faculty? It sorta happened to the geek in American Graffiti. It definitely happened to the protagonists of Weird Science. A cinematic rite of passage, if you will. Why wasn't my school experience like this? And are there ever repercussions? Do the pants-ers get called into the principal's office? Do any of them come out of the closet? I just hope the fat kid that's Berger's best friend isn't actually just a ghost that only Berger can see. So cliché.

Inception - With a $200 million price tag, the Warner Bros. execs are hoping it doesn't suck.

Two Girls and a Guy - Nice try, Toback, but Jerry Bruckheimer's still not going to give you a job. Turteltaub's got National Treasure 3, Pirates 4's taken... G-Force 2 might be open, though!


Someone else do the hyperlinks, okay?

Auteur Watch - Maggie Greenwald

Okay, I feel better now. So! Who's the next super chick directing the big super flicks? Why, it's someone named Maggie Greenwald! Well, the IMDb knows about as much as I do about her, but from the looks of it she's indeed living the big-time woman director's American dream. Working her way up through the ranks of the sound editing trade, she finally came to realize that hell! Directing's really about sound! I can direct these turkeys better than those tyrants John Hughes and Michael Crichton! And direct she did. Her biggest impacts were The Ballad of Little Jo... what? Can't Cameron show some damn gratitude? Give her a 1st A.D. gig on his next blockbuster or something? And the other being Songcatcher. Apparently it's a must-see, but those tragically hip hipsters over at The Onion probably don't like it for one reason or another. As you can see from the photo, there she is with ... egad! Lindsay Lohan! Well, back then it would've been an asset. Not today by any means. Why, even Tina Fey can't bring Lohan back from career freefall! What? No guest shot on 30 Rock? let me check... NO! Dayamn. Now that's a dis.
LiLo's official website (where's Stitch? tee hee hee...)

Shrek trumps Sex

Before I totally forget, I want to give a Shout Out to my five followers. See, whenever I log in to this thing now, it tells me I have five. Up from two a month ago... why, that's 150%! Oh, the percentages will never be that good again. Anyway, to my five followers, I would just like to say... what are you, nuts? Abandon all hope! All ye who read here. Anyway, on to this week's box office. The demographics of 2010 sure aren't what they were in 2008, when Sex and the City 1 came in at #1. But I suppose it's fitting that Sex and the City 2 come in at #2. I love how they were pushing the movie, saying that it takes place in Abu Dhabi just because it's a fun place to go, that the girls haven't been there before, and that it's a backwards culture that treats women as second class citizens. Oh, wait! Not that third thing. But at least Morocco is a little more advanced, which is where the movie was filmed. But let's face it ladies: all your hard work to break that glass ceiling is for naught. Desert Islam will cover the world with its lack of freedoms and strong work ethic. They hold all the keys to a world built upon plentiful crude oil, and they're keeping them. Your alternative energy sources will not save you! Solar's one percent! Wind's even less! Saudi Arabia wins! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
...where was I? Oh, right. Also debuting this week: Prince of Persia. Oh, don't kid yourselves! That Mike Newell is still in the game. Amazing Grace and Chuck? Donnie Brasco? Oh, he's still pushing celluloid, and he himself is pushing 70! G-d dayamn! He's my hero now! Not that Martin Campbell. He used to be, but he's on the outs now for working with Crazy Jesus Man. Phooey! But back to the point I was making earlier. We got septuagenarians making today's big action blockbusters! What a crazy, topsy-turvy world we live in. Who'll be working for Bruckheimer next? Ang Lee? Wayne Wang? Michael Winterbottom? JIM JARMUSCH? ...nah, he's probably got nothing until 2013. And by then it'll be too late for all of us. Damn Mayans. I gotta go. I can't blog anymore, I'm too upset.

Auteur Watch - Jenniphr Goodman

What more do you people want? I thought The Tao of Steve was a beloved classic! Or at the very least, a cult hit! Ingrates.

Have you seen this thing?

Oh! I guess it worked! Different browsers, different actions. Something like that. Well, once again, the big green ogre takes a big bite out of the weekly box office. But apparently, it wasn't meant to last. This is all they can wring out of the story. I haven't seen it yet, but I just hope they don't go into all that crap that gets shoved down our throats now at the movies: it was fun while it lasted, you don't know what you got until it's gone, you must live for today, we don't know what the future holds for us, but we're here now, and that's all that matters; if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with; things have more meaning if they come to an end; now, let's send our Eskimo grandpa out to sea on the iceberg. I'm tired of it! Tired, I say. Why, I'll bet even Transformers 2's got some of that in there.
Anyway, gotta keep it short this week. It's crunch time at school. Meanwhile, MacGruber debuts at #6. I'm shocked! Does this mean SNL's audience is smaller than I thought? Are the American people developing some taste?... nah, that can't be it.

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Fox

Um... close enough. I first heard of Jennifer Fox in this groundbreaking documentary, To Heck with Hollywood? No! The Heck With Hollywood! (oh, I hate it when they swear) I think that documentary cost more than her feature debut, Beirut: The Last Home Movie. Of course, Fox had a little more on the line than Block did with his documentary. A documentary director named Block! How perfect is that?
Oh, but she survived those turbulent times, grappling with the likes of Ben Barenholtz... I thought he was involved. Oh well, who knows. Of the three filmmakers profiled in The Heck with Hollywood, she's clearly come the farthest. Lichtenfeld fell by the wayside, and the Only a Buck boys, well, they make minimum wage at the car wash now. But Jennifer! She's fulfilled the dream that every documentary filmmaker has getting off the bus to Hollywood: going from their original subject to the greatest subject there is that's worth documenting: themselves! Or close enough to it. But if I had to guess, I'd say that her favourite decade is the 80s: the music, the hair, and the hunger. She was hungry back then, clawing her way to the glass ceiling, sledgehammer clenched between her teeth to smash it when she reached the top. But she's not stupid: there's no way she's going to start all over again and try clawing her way to the top today. No way no how!

Ever have one of those weekends?

Well, I'll bet Russell Crowe sure did. First that reporter gets his accent wrong, now this. Favreau trumps Crowe at the box office once again: it's like Elf all over again! Wotta nightmare. But come Oscar time things could work out better for Ridley Scott and company. The Oscars tend to favor the Brits, Aussies... and New Zealanders! Lemme double check... Yup! Wellington. Beats Pukerua Bay, anyway... oh, he looks so thin!
Anyway, speaking of all things regal, the other debuts this week are all the romantic crap the studios can't release in summer lest they REALLY get lost. There's Just Wright at #4 and, yup, you guessed it. Like Justin Time and ... probably something else, it's a play on the character's name. And like J. Lo, Queen Latifah's back from an extended vacation to torture us some more. But I want to end with this Letters to Juliet thing. You know, every once in a while... at least once a year, an actor or actress has, like, three movies a year. And in the case of Amanda Seyfried, this is her third this year! Second, if you don't count Chloe, but I'm counting it, because I'm an uncultured American and we're only getting it now. She's the new 'it' girl, but why am I not devastatingly attracted? Someone send me free DVDs of Big Love, will yuh?

A Movie Called Turkey?

Don't get me wrong. A Man Called Horse has a certain charm to it as a quasi-biographical piece and as a neo-Western. On the other hand, the crying Italian Indian plays a prominent role in it.
Shall I go on? Oh yes I shall. But let's face it. Before a guy settles into a role like Dumbledore he's got to have one last fling. But not just any fling. Someone exotic, ideally. And the Natalie Wood-Native American chick will do just fine... I forget her name already. Now, they go without subtitles on the one hand, which is always a brave choice arguably, in this age of closed captioning up the yin yang. On the other hand they come up with an ingenious device: a Frenchman who also speaks English whose family was killed by the Indians but now lives among them, acting crazy to get out of doing any chores. Plausible at first, but once he starts translating, seems a bit plot-device-y. Again, that's probably just cynical ol' me. He speaks of escape, but if this were made today he would eventually concede that he likes it better where he is in the now. Speaking of Avatar, you might remember that its main character spoke of making a big dumb gesture... something like that. Well, Richard Harris has his own version of that! I wouldn't dream of spoiling it, but it ends up working and ingratiates him with the tribe's warriors; borrowed later by The Man Who Would Be King, maybe.
I guess that's about all the nitpicking I can think of. Kind of a standard Western: there's a big attack at the end, as there should be. Tradition dictates it. The characters are somewhat original. Harris plays a younger, more idealistic version of his Unforgiven character, tee hee hee. Nice to see Dub Taylor; disturbing to see the lack of teeth. And I'm a sucker for just about anything in Panavision with big tracking shots that make the picture look like it's being projected onto a giant ball. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the film that says the "Vow to the Sun" was outlawed by the U.S. government. But the older I get, the more I squeam at movie violence, and the more I think that it's probably for the best that the Vow to the Sun is outlawed. But who knows? Given this generation's veneration of scars and tattoos, it may make a comeback someday.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Everything you know is wrong... about California

Well, I saw the damn thing, so I might as well review it! How I happen upon these cinematic treasures, I'll never know. But I guess it's true what William Goldman said about movie stars: that they're totally worthless and absolutely essential. Something cute and contradictory like that. For if anyone other than Presdient Bartlet were in this, who would want to return to it again and again? Not necessarily for the car, even though it is arguably pretty cherry. It just gets a mild workout, as The California Kid himself says, and not a whole lot more than that.
But to elaborate a bit more on plot. Now me myself, I'm like most people nowadays, and I just can't handle an old-fashioned movie with a plot you can get on the first viewing of a movie. Spoiler alert! But it's a basic story: boy comes to small town, boy gets speeding ticket, boy pays speeding ticket, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy is told to get out of town, boy races with local sheriff in a race to the death. On the plus side, this is a historical drama, chronicling that dark time in American history when towns had to make do without federal assistance by charging way too much for speeding tickets. Got greedy, didn'tcha, all you small city slickers? No, this is far from the fun speed traps of Smokey and the Bandit or A Civil Action. This is serious, life or death kinda stuff. The actors take it all as seriously as they can. Especially that Vic Morrow. A fine performance. There but for the grace of God go all of us, that's for sure. I'll leave this at three stars, although technically it should get less since a vote was called to abandon the viewing prematurely, I must report.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jodie Foster

Sigh. Everyone's turning 40! I've noticed... Well, not this week's auteur: Jodie Foster. She's just south of 50 herself, but still going strong, especially given recent roles like The Brave One. Oh, why must she taunt us guys so?
Anyway, on to the patented Decade Theory. Whaddaya think? Is it the 70s, where she found herself stuck between Disney on the one hand, and Scorsese on the other? Or perhaps the 80s when she graduated to less colorful, more respectable roles? Even though she won the Oscar for The Accused, it must've been a bad time on the set because she hasn't worked with director Jonathan Kaplan since. But then again, who has? That's one of the good things about doing TV work: certain stars HAVE to work with you again!
And so, every once in a while, stars like Sean Penn win acting Oscars virtually back to back, and the 90s would start out so promisingly for ol' Jodie, but after working for so many dufusii directors named Jonathan, one can't help but think, "Hell! I can direct this turkey myself!" And direct she did. Well, Little Man Tate was well received by critic and popcorn chewer alike. Home for the Holidays, not so much. Well, this was while Robert Downey Jr. was a little more troubled. Now he gets high on life... and his new-fangled success. But back to J.F.
If Death Becomes Her taught us anything, it's that a) directors always feel the urge to commit career suicide, and b) a movie star's shelf life is 10 years at best... or is it 20, as with Jodie? The 90s surely are her favorite: in addition to being a great chef and movie star, she was probably ahead of the curve on the whole eco-movement stuff. She focused on the acting all through the 2000s as well... until now, which means the 2010s will be her favorite decade. And how will she re-inaugurate her directing career? How else? By piggybacking on Mel Gibson's rejuvenated career with something called The Beaver. Sounds a bit like Lars and the Real Girl meets Dummy. Just what we all need! I look forward to it, especially if it's in IMAX 3D or something. A toast to Jodie Foster, everybody!

Iron Man 2, pt. 1

Let's see if I can get away with this... Niiiiice! As one of my classmates always says. Well, surprise surprise, Iron Man 2 debuts at #1. On the other hand... only $134 million? That won't even begin to cover the cross-promotion costs! For some reason, I get kind of a WWE-Monster Truck rally vibe with that one scene with Mickey Rourke. Must just be me. Welp, here's hoping Iron Man 3 manages to avoid the pitfalls of Spider Man 3.
In other news, when a big blockbuster skews the results for everyone, interesting things happen... sometimes. Why did I get Married Too is still gone, though. Probably for the best. The way is cleared for Tyler Perry's 2010 Fall project, anyway. That's the main thing. Death at a Funeral rises from 9 to 8, and Furry Vengeance hangs tough dropping from 5 to 6! I thought it'd be totally gone by now! How to Train your Dragon hangs in at #3. That must be a helluva movie! But the real story is the other debut this week, Bebes. I'm sorry, let me get the spelling right... Bébé(s). That's more like it. They took that rapping French baby from 10 years ago and turned it into a whole movie! Et d'ur d'ur être bébé? Am I the only one who remembers? Well, me and Beavis and Butthead? I gotta go...

Auteur Watch - Anne Fletcher

Oh, this is bad. The box office opens in a mere matter of hours and here I am, not having profiled our next auteur! Shame on me. But on the bright side I finally figured out the lyrics to that song about the cheater in the call center. It's actually Shakira's "She-Wolf" about letting a she-wolf out of the closet! Go figure. Something about the gym speakers that muffles the words, I suppose. ¶ Anywho, our next auteur babe is someone named... Anne Fletcher. Oh, she's riding sky high now, but she's paid some serious dues, most notably as a choreographer. Hence her directorial debut, Step Up. Well, it was just a matter of time before Channing Tatum's career was launched. From there, Fletcher moved on to more ambitious fare, something more suited for the likes of a costume designer-turned-director, but God bless her, she wanted it more, and so 27 Dresses was next. How she got The Proposal, I'll never know. I guess Sandra Bullock figured she was a pushover or a nobody, or both, but it worked out for all in the end. Who knows what's next for Anne Fletcher? The glass ceiling's the limit, baby. Fight the power!

Care to rake your acquaintance!

Sorry, but I just couldn't resist. Copyright issues be damned. Yes, it's another damn 'reboot,' as the Hollywood hip call it... hmm! I didn't know Hollywood used Windows! Yes, it's a new Nightmare on Elm Street, and the box office this week has resoundingly spoken, 3 to 1. Who needs new movies? Not us! It's only crime? Where's the 3-D? My Bloody Valentine 3-D just wasn't enough, apparently. Or Final Destination 3D. But what IS in 3-D is this damn Train Your Dragon movie! It's practically unstoppable! But I figure in about 5 weeks it'll be gone. Speaking of which, Furry Vengeance is the other debut this week. Hopefully it'll stick around for about two. This is a remake of Over the Hedge, obviously...

Short Reviews - April 2010

Batman, Indiana Jones 3 - I think it's the same guy. But for the life of me, he gets credit in neither. ¶ Welp, this has got to be my worst month yet. But on the bright side, I got a bunch of other stuff done! And you know summer's on its way when the neighbors start burning in their backyards, filling your house with their smoke. Keep up the good work, guys! ¶ Oh, but enough about them. Lately it seems that the swear words, traditionally kept out of the movie's titles, have crept their way in. Now the flood gate's open, probably because of Inglourious Bastards. You got Kick-Ass, Knights of Badassdom... I guess that's it. Bastard Out of Carolina was a groundbreaker for its time. But seeing as how this is happening so close to 2012, isn't it time for a conspiracy theory? I'll leave that to someone else, but I'm a positive guy, and in all matters distressing there's one source of moral and societal comfort I turn to... That's right, The Smurfs. Now, the whiz-kid wise-ass geniuses over at The Onion have the manpower and the sheer resources to develop this further, but as 2012 approaches and America finds itself unprepared, we need to look to the Smurfs for guidance. Why, it seems like only yesterday every Saturday morning I found myself plopped down in front of the telly watching those little damn blue thingies, interacting, laughing, playing, hating, loving... in short, LIVING, damn it! Living. But then, the show slowly got deeper and deeper into the occult, and it seemed like every week there was some new curse they'd have to make a potion for, some new conjunction that occurs every X number of centuries. Why, I dare say they even had a giant chess board like in that one Harry Potter movie! And the Smurfs themselves were the pieces, trapped in some horrible suspended animation state. Alas, it appears the web doesn't have everything after all, and after spending about 5-10 minutes looking for plot synopses of all those old shows (two mini-episodes per 30 minute chunk! Man, that Hanna Barbera can do anything) I could only find their titles. Normally that might be enough to go on to recall a whole show... it seems to work so well for Seinfeld episodes... but alas, it was too long ago, and I'm too broke and disinterested to get whatever multi-DVD collector's edition is out there. That's where the Onion comes in. This could be their next big "Way of the Swayze", God rest his soul. Okay, on to the movies.


Anvil - A triumph for VH1 films... and no one else.

Robin Hood - Finally Costner free!

MacGruber - Rated R? Wow! SNL's going out on a limb on this one! The last time they did that was on... The Ladies Man?

Furry Vengeance - Participant Productions has officially gone Hollywood!

The Road - Some consider it an apocalyptic vision of things to come; I consider it a training manual.